| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/17/2009 3:38:36 PM | the mentality of some men on here is the reason I stop dating POF men...and just here for the forums.
This is a free site; the old adage is true "you get what you pay for" lol. Really most of us are in these forums because we've given up...that says a lot about POF ers or people in general. I can afford better and no longer use this site for finding someone special. Yes, by golly I paid to be on another site (upperscale site and more classy people). Men there have more substance. Less about what's between their legs and in their pockets. | |
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| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/17/2009 3:57:28 PM |
the mentality of some men on here is the reason I stop dating POF men...and just here for the forums.
OK, let me make this as simple as possible for you, since you seem to be a little slow on the uptake:
In traditional dating when men would take women out on extended dinner dates the would most often meet those women in person before a date was ever decided on. And by meeting that lady in person, both the man and woman could see, hear, and smell the other person and be able to tell right up front that there was a chemistry between them.
In today's modern day internet dating, there is no way to instantly tell if there is going to be some kind of chemistry between two people, so the simple coffee meet and greet was invented so that two people could get together and get a real-life look at one another without either party having to spend inordinate amounts of money on dinners and extended dates with someone they may not be all that attracted too once they met in person.
With you're "traditional values of dating" theories you are putting men at a disadvantage by saying they should pay for the date because that is the "traditional" thing to do. And not only are you saying that the man should pay for the date, but that the date should also be one of substance, because "that's the traditional thing to do."
What you are leaving out in your traditional theory is that women now make just as much money as men do, so my questions are:
1. Why have "dinner" dates at all when a simple coffee meet and greet will do.
2. Why do men have to always pay for these "dinner dates"
Neither of which questions you have been able to answer me, except to say that it's the "traditional" way of doing things.
Tradition has absolutely no bearing what-so-ever in modern internet dating, until after two people agree that they have some kind of connection. | |
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| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/17/2009 4:03:15 PM | I am sorry but he should have been there on time, or phoned or even texted to say he was running, late things happen.
But not buying you a drink is completely unacceptable, to me manners are important, a lady is treated as a lady, if you cant afford to buy a drink dont ask some one to the pub.
Anyway hope you dont put us all in to the same pot as this person.
Take care, and there are new people out there. | |
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| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/17/2009 4:57:41 PM | BaldyisBeautiful ,
Umm thanks for the internet dating vs. traditional dating education...I would have been clueless without your impressive insights!
Somewhere I read that you go on A LOT OF DATES...then a coffee date is an excellent choice for you and your piggybank. You do what makes you happy and can live with. People are adults and can decide what they want to do on a date; whether that's coffee, dinner, walking etc. Going dutch is my preference...yes even on coffee too, don't want the equal rights men to think I'm gold-digging.
Tradition has absolutely no bearing what-so-ever in modern internet dating, until after two people agree that they have some kind of connection.
There are persons who are sponsors of third world children (or other charitable causes) whom make regular monthly donations- they use the internet to communicate with them, yet have NEVER MET THEM IN PERSON and probably never will. Is that going to stop them from donating? These sponsors ask for NOTHING in return. These are generous people with big hearts and can see beyond themselves and their own needs.
I have made charitable donations... $100 dollar here $100 dollar there, $25 or $50 to help people I absolutely I don't know and have fed people I also don't know. And i have volunteered my time to people whom I don't know. I'm far from rich, but I'll be damn if I settle down with someone who can not even pay for my dinner. In this sense, yes i'm looking for my equal...nothing to do with equal rights - rather equal in kindness and generosity AND I deserve someone like this!
Regardless if men and women eventually make equal monies, women will always want a MAN...as in gentleMAN, class anyone? | |
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p~s
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Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 105 | |
| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/17/2009 6:10:56 PM | This is such a silly argument. The OP bought the first drinks, it would only have been courteous for the guy to offer to buy the next round, it's more about manners in this case then money. As for being late, he did drive all that way just to see you OP so give the guy a break.
The fact that the OP started to measure every thing this guy did after this date including his preference to drink water as a sign of his being a free loader is a bit ridiculous to say it kindly, and also makes me think she was more interested in his financial standing than if he was a man of quality [which has nothing to do with money boys and girls].
I just wanted to say as to the comment that people who are here just for the forums have given up on POF and you get what you pay for; this is the only dating site I'm on, and I doubt very much that just because you pay for a service that it makes it better. There are sooo many people on POF that it stands to reason by numbers alone that there has to be some good fishing, if you get a bad catch throw it back and stop complaining about it!  | |
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| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/17/2009 6:16:13 PM |
Umm thanks for the internet dating vs. traditional dating education...I would have been clueless without your impressive insights!
Apparently!
Somewhere I read that you go on A LOT OF DATES...then a coffee date is an excellent choice for you and your piggybank. You do what makes you happy and can live with. People are adults and can decide what they want to do on a date; whether that's coffee, dinner, walking etc. Going dutch is my preference...yes even on coffee too, don't want the equal rights men to think I'm gold-digging.
Yes, I do go on a few dates now and then, and there have been weeks where I have gone to meet 2-3 girls in a single week to see if there was any chemistry between us. Lets break that down for you in terms you might understand: If I had done these dates in the "traditional" way that you suggest then I could be forking out 60-70 a date for dinner. Now times that by three and I'm now running anywhere from 180-210 for one week of finding out if any girl out there is compatible with me. See where I am going with this? Where as if we go out for coffee, whether it is dutch or not then I am only investing anywhere from 5-30 for a whole week. Which makes more fiscal sense to you?
Now if I worked someplace where I could meet people instead of behind a computer all day then their might be other avenues available for me to meet potential girls where we would know before the first date whether there was a "spark" between us. As it is, all I can go by is how they represent themselves on the computer ... and trust me when I say, there are a majority of women out there that misrepresent themselves in many ways, from pics and hobbies, to religion and politics.
There are persons who are sponsors of third world children (or other charitable causes) whom make regular monthly donations- they use the internet to communicate with them, yet have NEVER MET THEM IN PERSON and probably never will. Is that going to stop them from donating? These sponsors ask for NOTHING in return. These are generous people with big hearts and can see beyond themselves and their own needs.
I have made charitable donations... $100 dollar here $100 dollar there, $25 or $50 to help people I absolutely I don't know and have fed people I also don't know. And i have volunteered my time to people whom I don't know.
I fail to see how this has any relevance to this discussion. And seems like nothing more then bragging on your part.
I'm far from rich, but I'll be damn if I settle down with someone who can not even pay for my dinner. In this sense, yes i'm looking for my equal...nothing to do with equal rights - rather equal in kindness and generosity AND I deserve someone like this!
Why does a man have to buy you dinner to be considered your equal? And so far I have seen nothing from your posts (let alone your profile which says you are only here for the forums) that suggests that you "DESERVE" anything. Kindness and generosity are earned, not given to someone who thinks they "deserve" them.
Regardless of everything we have all said here, what it all comes down to is that we all DO have personal preferences as to who we will date and why will date them and how the dates should go. I respect that you want to be treated like a lady, in an old-fashioned sense of the word. I, personally, even had we met under other circumstances would never have gone out with you on a real date unless we had gotten together before hand to have coffee/tea/drinks/whatever. And as is obvious from your posts, you wouldn't go out with me because I am not about to buy dinner as a first "meet and greet". The only thing I have been trying to get across this whole time is that times have changed from the traditional days of dating when men were chivalrous. Women make just as much money as men do now, and wield just as much power (if not more so) then men when it comes to dating. So, there is no reason beyond personal preference for men to hold the sole burden of paying for all dates anymore.
And as Tom Hanks said in his portrayal of Forrest Gump: "That's all I have to say about that." | |
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| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/17/2009 6:26:32 PM | And as Tom Hanks said in his portrayal of Forrest Gump: "That's all I have to say about that."
GOOD RIDDANCE.
sorry couldn't bother reading whatcha wrote up there...but would have paid $50 to get rid of you on a date and send you home in a taxicab. seriously. | |
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p~s
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Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 108 | |
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| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/18/2009 10:57:08 AM | He was late, which was rude, he didn't offer to buy you a drink, he was really rude, he abused you in public, he was really really rude!
As for it's 21st century, what's that got to do with it? I was with someone for 6 years and never paid for a drink or a meal in that time, he took me out! I dont expect someone to fund my life, but I do prefer a man who will treat me in a certain way. | |
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| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/18/2009 1:05:59 PM | Guys and gals thanks everyone for responding I didn't really think it would stir up such emotion and debate but it's all been interesting to read nevertheless even though I disagree with some member's comments we are all individuals and entitled to our different views...
Whilst this medium is a fantastic way to meet people it can be disappointing for a great many once they meet up in person, being a generous individual who always thinks of others before myself i.e. friends, family, partners ...... I tend to judge people by my own standards, I'm the first to suggest nights out, cook for my friends, offer to help out when needed however with mates it's different, if I'm sitting there with an empty drink with mates, I just say get your backside to the bar lady it's your round....
On dates it's kinda different as you don;t know the person very well and on this occasion yes I was disappointed because I just generally felt he was disrespectful for being late, for not even offering to buy me a drink and getting agitated and abusive when I choose to leave, I'm a saleswoman for a living and because I am judged on first impressions, my first impression of him was poor, I just could not be bothered wasting any more time with him folks, I've little patient nowadays for men maybe it's age but mostly because I'm fed up of fellas probably and dating in general I just wanted to go home, even though I was polite and made my excuses his comments touched a raw nerve and after that yes I called him a tightarse and rude!!!.... however I was upset afterwards and it got me questioning myself ......'is it me????'
I think I'm just tired of the online dating circuit which probably explains my lack of patience, on here you give fellas your number they never call, you meet they fail to impress, sorry but this has been a cycle for me for past few years, so maybe I was a bit short with him (unacceptable I know sorry) but hell expecting a guy to buy you a glass of wine and turn up on time is not too much to ask surely .... come on fellas ....
I wanted answers as I kinda can't understand why I think I'm not getting things right, my date previous to this chap I met in his neck of the woods about 15 miles away, even though I offered to buy a round when I arrived he wouldn't accept, he bought first great but a double gin and tonic!!!! for me and then proceeded to buy me double again on the second round even though I'd driven and said I was driving home so wanted a soft drink however he did not listen and promptly put a double gin and tonic in front of me again was that generous or rude?????? I took one sip and asked him why he'd bought me an alcoholic drink when he knew I was driving and he basically admitted that he was trying to get me to relax as he hoped we'd go back to his place as we had tons of chemistry online and he wanted to get to know me better!!!!!! Well I didn;t feel the same in person believe me and left ..... so even on this occasion the guy paid but only because he wanted to get his leg over !!!!
I know there are some lovely genuine fellas on here I just seem to be meeting the wrong sorts, like in my dayjob (sales) numbers game I say to myself 'keep making an effort natalie there has to be someone out there so don't stop dating' perhaps however each disappointment makes one more cynical and apprehensive about even bothering anymore ... | |
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| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/18/2009 1:59:10 PM | I dont drink -- so it wouldnt really matter to me --- however I suppose it depends upon your expectations here ..
I would expect a man to pay at the first date unless otherwise arranged or if I was totally not into him- in which case I would pay to get outta there fast :)
Now I dont expect after the first date or two a man to pay for me all the time - in fact that would insult me -- however if a man were to keep taking advantage and expecting me to pay and take from me and then never offer to do something nice for me, I'd
be done with the cheapskate...
Its hard sometimes on a first date -- maybe he just was nervous and overlooked the situation -- I like to give someone the benefit of the doubt the first time-- its when you start to sense a pattern you dont like that you find another pasture :) | |
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| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/18/2009 2:56:57 PM | I think I read somewhere in the O.P. that she suggested the night out...which if you go by that old rule, then she should have paid for the whole evening.
Unfortuntaley, this is a symptom of the changing role of man and woman in the mating ritual. I, like many men would certainly love to treat a gracious lady to a drink, dinner...the whole date...whatever. The problem invariably lies in the sense of self entitlement that some women are clinging to. Nothing turns me off more because that type of attitude never goes away, it never changes except to get worse.
Whether you like it or not, whether you agree with it or not, times have changed. If you're an old school girl who needs a man to do all the traditional man things like ask you out...call you...pick YOU up...order for you...pay the tab...drive you home...then you should probably make that clear in your profile. I'm not saying that to be oldschool is wrong, but to immasculate a man for your own fault is just wrong. To justify it by crying out for a "real man" and all that is just foolish.
And how many women have I dated that claim to be oldschool, who found a nice man...married him because of all his manly qualities....maybe even had some kids...but then her needs changed...she's perhaps working and has disposable income...or she's not and has disposable time to crusie these sites for greener pastures...and now she wants to be her own woman etc..."she doesn't need a man for this, that or the other..."
...but instead of acknowledging that their needs changed...these women spend countless hours explaining how the husband went from being the man of the house...who made the decisions etc...to be a control freak.
News flash...you marry a guy who you let make all the decisions...you turn him into a control freak...especially when you threaten to change his family situation all because your needs, which you clearly don't understand have changed,....and that most of any of his negative reaction to the new you is just that...a reaction...to you.
So who really changed and who really deserves the blame??? Who really needs to learn about themselves before wasting countless men's time making the same damn mistakes??? | |
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p~s
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Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 114 | |
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| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/18/2009 5:30:02 PM | It seems to me he did put some effort into it when he drove the 35 miles to go to you.
I think it was very rude of you to have a tantrum because he would not buy you a drink.
What you should expect when you are meeting people you don't know is that you will be paying for your own drinks, dinner, etc. Why do you feel someone that is really a total stranger owes you anything? | |
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| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/19/2009 12:46:18 AM | OK..You need to look at this from two perspectives...
1. This chap spent about 35 to 45 minutes of his time driving to meet you. So, taking into consideration the cost of gas and HIS TIME, what's that worth? I'd say you buying yourself two rounds of drinks for yourself.
2. You're a woman, you fought for your 'right' back in the 20's and you've got a MOUTH, which according to you, gets 'dry' pretty often. :-) Thus, if you were thirsty and didn't want to wait around for HIM to ask you if you wanted another round, as if he was a fricking mind reader, then you should have raised your hand, gotten the attention of a waiter and asked for a 2nd round.
MAYBE, had you done that, he would have chimed in with 'oh..I'm sorry...the next round is on me! How foolish to have waited so long! My sincere apologies!'...or some sh** like that.
But instead, you ASSUMED this dude knew what you were thinking, which he didn't, and you were to afriad, for whatever reason, to speak your mind...and now you're on here complaining about it as if it was HIS FAULT???
I have no problem buying drinks, but at the same time,I'm not a mind reader neither. Therefore, I'd expect a grown woman to order a 2nd glass of 'whatever she was drinking' if she was in need of replenishing her tasty beverage without having to wait around for me to 'offer', as if by asking for a 2nd round of drinks, I'd not get the hint and offer to pay then!!! | |
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| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/19/2009 4:19:42 AM | FunkieMonkie thanks for encouragement NOT you don't even know me or my past history so get lost .. I've lived worked all over the country for the past 15 years so never settled in one place being self employed you struggle to meet people day to day, plus I hate noisy town centre weekend bars/clubs and after a 10 year relationship which ended 3 years ago I've been trying this online dating lark with not much success .....I'm obviously pretty lousy at dating so I'm off for a short while a break might be good .... they always say when u stop looking ..... I love photography taking pictures so perhaps I might join a group or class locally to try and meet some fresh interesting new people that way ...
Good luck everyone in your search for whatever but I just feel like I'm wasting my time on here and everybody elses, I just can't be bothered anymore x | |
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| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/19/2009 5:15:39 AM | | I have been on dates where the man we met at the dance and he started out buying the drinks and I would buy the next round of drinks. Usually when the man asks you out he would pay for everything and if the woman asks the man out she would pay for everything. When I moved I had to cancel a date with this man and he offered to help me move so I took him out to dinner and a movie. | |
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| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/19/2009 6:46:40 AM |
FunkieMonkie thanks for encouragement NOT you don't even know me or my past history so get lost .. I've lived worked all over the country for the past 15 years so never settled in one place being self employed you struggle to meet people day to day, plus I hate noisy town centre weekend bars/clubs and after a 10 year relationship which ended 3 years ago I've been trying this online dating lark with not much success .....I'm obviously pretty lousy at dating so I'm off for a short while a break might be good .... they always say when u stop looking ..... I love photography taking pictures so perhaps I might join a group or class locally to try and meet some fresh interesting new people that way ...
Good luck everyone in your search for whatever but I just feel like I'm wasting my time on here and everybody elses, I just can't be bothered anymore x
Good luck  | |
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| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/19/2009 11:24:09 AM | | Hopefully you will go and do those activities as those are great ways to meet like minded people...that being said, I hope you get the point of what most of us are trying to say and that is you need to be a better communicator and get a better understanding of your own wants and needs. | |
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| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/19/2009 2:23:45 PM | | On line dating is what each person makes it. I am sorry you felt the need to explain your personal history in which came across to me in such a defensive manner. I do hope you can take on-board some of the very valid comments made by so many members which are looking from the outside in. Yes i agree he could have dealt with you leaving alot better as i believe there is no need for anyone to be disrespectful of others . Yet, i wonder how you would feel if the guy had posted details of your date? I have had good and not so good dates from POF however i do not feel i could ever justify posting details other than general comments so as not to insult anyone who has given up their time to meet me. It either works or not, why question things so much? If there is no attraction fine, sit back relax and enjoy a chat. | |
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| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/19/2009 3:26:57 PM | Well you were absolutely right to leave that date, no doubt. What a classless jerk. And any man who wants to attack you for that position can do so...and I would say it's good to know that about him. :)
Well, I gotta tell you, I expect the man to pay for first dates. If you go on a second date, it's reasonable to offer to pay...unless he kind of jumps on the bill or just goes and buys the ticket, what have you. If a man is employed and/or not in desperate financial straits, I just feel like that's how it should be. I would never go to a first date *unable* to pay and if he asked me to I would, but...probably never see him again. I'm just old fashioned in some ways and if you don't like it, that's perfectly understandable...just don't date me, not a problem, we aren't right for one another.
Assuming your goal is to be in a relationship, once you're steadily dating you can just talk about it. I know some men that I've dated throughout my life were not happy if I've offered to pay for things even on subsequent dates.
A few months ago I did recently go on several dates with a man who worked in the non-profit sector; I don't and I made a lot more money than he did. We would generally take turns paying for stuff.
But he paid on the first date. | |
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VF102
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Joined: 8/30/2008
Msg: 125 | |
| Called a golddigger because I expect a man to buy me a drink?
Posted: 6/19/2009 9:06:17 PM | When I pay all the time they think that I want booty. You can't win. I tell them, "hey, it's 2009. If I want booty I sure as hell ain't going to date to get it. They have Web sites for that!". Why pay and play for something that you can get free and easy if you need it that bad?!?
So I do the right thing and pay anyway. If she is that dumb that she can't recognize a good gesture when she sees it then I don't want anything to do with her. I don't want to breed with someone who has sub-level intelligence and no-common sense.
Jason the Fed | |
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