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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/14/2009 11:55:41 AM | The best sex ever and living happily ever after don't always happen with the same person. The best sex I ever had (so far) was with someone I wouldn't want to still be with, yeah the sex was good but the relationship was not good, sex (for me) does not trump a bad relationship.
Why would you assume that ALL women liked rough sex, that to me is a big red flag, and leaves me wondering just how many other things you generalized about women and situations and just how aware you are of other people and their needs. Are you really going to have to be told that people are individuals, with every new situation needing to be explained to you??? That would bug me, I'm not into teaching men how to treat people with compassion and understanding, that should come naturally, otherwise it would be a freaking job not a relationship.
Can you make he as happy as he did, well sure you can find a solid compromise between what turns her on and you on too, but since she's not still with this man, I don't see why you would have to be like him in every way or that you need to feel compared. If she can't function because of the past, that's a whole different issue and not one that you making her feel sexual like with 'him' is going to help. If she needs professional help to get over her past that's up to her, if she wants to wallow in self-pity I'd write her off as a lost cause. | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/14/2009 12:04:29 PM | OP, certainly not everyone is the same when it comes to what we like and I don't imagine it is all that unusual for someone to wonder how they rate for their partner or if they are the best. If she is with you and you are into each other that is the present and the reality for both of you. Like with everything the past is past.
Just work on and develop your own relationship so you are entirely yourselves to each other. A little bit of imagination and slowly experimenting will usually tell you how much your partner enjoys anything and maybe ask the odd time but mostly let it come out of her unless she is very shy and inhibited. Most women will tell you pretty fast if they do not like something.
By having the conversation as you did you risk having your relationship going somewhat sideways. Some people are turned on by such talk while with other people it moves things in a sort of platonic clinical formulated direction. It will depend largely on how she sees things and how much your doing what the other guy did will convincingly really be you. What I am saying is that even if you can do exactly as the other guy did is she going to accept that as a sincere representation of yourself or forever as an artificial like imitation of her past lover and each time will she be thinking of you as a new and original performer or an Elvis impersonator?
One thing to keep in mind is that he may have been the best she "had" so far but not necessarily the best she will "ever have" and with careful work that new best guy could become you. | |
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| Thoughts....
Posted: 6/14/2009 12:24:37 PM | emlamnsea says:
The men that women call "great lovers" are the ones who a) Get the mechanics right (which you can learn from a book, and practice) and b) Are perceptive and receptive to THEIR needs.
Absolutely positively agree. And b) overrides a) every day. Cause if you are missing anything important with a), I'll let you know. And then we'll practice! And then practice some more until you get it right! And then we'll work on finesse. And then we'll practice that! And then ... well, you get the picture. 
women can separate sex with a guy from their feelings for a guy. Meaning, they are capable of saying, yeah that guy was a hot fcuk in the sack but a fcuk head outside of it, so I don't want to be in a relationship with him
Yup. Grown up women (of any age) do this. | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/14/2009 12:58:21 PM | Wow. Sounds like you met a very honest woman there guy....congratulations.
Of course...well, two things.....you pressed into an area that was uncomfortable....for 'you"
Now, what the helI are you going to do with that young Male Ego thing? I mean, that image that you pressed her to put into your head.....which, of course, has nothing to do with your relationship with her....but, what is going to be your workaround...around that?
Bet you don't have one.
and..two...ummmm...I think there's a sexuality section on here.
And although your question it's cloaked in wanting to get answers about 'why did she say that?".....and, it does raise some points about staying in the present, not pushing someone to where they might give an answer..that is contrary to the answer you already 'dreamed' up in your head...ya lost me at the how many times she cums part.
too much info.
but really, look into the sex and sexuality section , k?
good luck
Kimbo********************************************** | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/14/2009 1:44:32 PM | Well my gosh, if you don't want to hear details that can possibly hurt you, don't go digging for them! You have done this to yourself, this is nothing she's done. You went looking for trouble and you found it. Now you've got to find a way to deal with it, and it's not going to be anything she can do to help you get over it, so don't expect her to. This is something you asked for, now you've got to figure out how to get over it without alienating her.
There's nothing wrong with talking about exes, but there's also such a thing as not going into every deep dark detail. You shouldn't have wheedled this information out of her, if you weren't prepared to hear it! | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/14/2009 1:47:46 PM | | Barbee, she was already becoming uncomfortable with his drilling her with questions, and he kept pressing for more information. She didn't just walk up to him and say "hey, you know my ex? He's a much better lover than you!" The OP went digging for intimate details that were none of his business, and he didn't like what he got. Hopefully it's a lesson learned...don't go asking questions if you can't handle the answers. | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/14/2009 1:58:11 PM |
I think what she said was mean and hurtful.
Why would a guy stay with someone like this is beyond me. Maybe she would be better off with the ex, then. Comparing guys is so uncool.
Sounds like sex wasn't the reason she is an ex(if she's and ex because he wanted her to be an ex and she still wants the relationship go & go quickly). Everybody brings something to a relationship, so maybe you got to look at it as "he was 1 in offence" & "32 in defence", I'm "2 in offence" & "1 in defense". All things considered she'd rather be with you. | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/14/2009 6:24:08 PM | My girlfriend told me that the best she ever had was one of those college lesbian flings, I felt the bar was set pretty high though I took it as a challenge(considering pleasing her was like building a ship in a bottle). Take it as a challenge and do everything you can to make you her best and tear that @$$ up. Also as a note there are alot of women that like it rough but you have to find the acceptable level of roughness. I had an ex that had a rape fantasy and I did everything to make it happen and as real as possible as she told me one night. Needless to say it was perfect for her atleast, I had a broken nose and a fractured rib but she never forgot and I will never do it again.
Do what ever it takes to make things special and trying something new is good for a relationship. | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/14/2009 6:49:38 PM | I had an ex that had a rape fantasy and I did everything to make it happen and as real as possible as she told me one night. Needless to say it was perfect for her at least, I had a broken nose and a fractured rib but she never forgot and I will never do it again.
If you do consider doing it again, do it at gun point. | |
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| Thoughts....
Posted: 6/14/2009 6:57:07 PM | women can separate sex with a guy from their feelings for a guy. Meaning, they are capable of saying, yeah that guy was a hot fcuk in the sack but a fcuk head outside of it, so I don't want to be in a relationship with him
Yup. Grown up women (of any age) do this.
Hmm. Men seem to get to get burned at the stake for this supposed behaviour...
Dayum! BoBo's gotta hear this!
To answer the OP's concern, lovers should be able to communicate all their wants, needs and desires both in and out of the bedroom.
Every woman I've ever been in a relationship with had things that she would admit drive her wild, and would communicate that to me, as well as want to know what drove me wild.
It's part of the discovery process. If one man in her past stood out as being exceptional, I'd want to know what it was that made him that exceptional to her, sexually. I'd not want her wanting. I'd want to be able to fulfill each and every one of her sexual desires. Just as I would want my own to be fulfilled.... | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/14/2009 8:03:18 PM | OP, if making her beautiful is what did it for her with her ex, maybe that's where you should focus. Appreciate her vocally on a regular basis. If you notice something about her that you find gorgeous or sexy in the moment, say so. My favorite partner was incredibly vocal in telling me those things--I've never felt so appreciated with a partner before, and that's part of what made our sex so awesome.
<div class="quote">I have to admit that when I get down to things, I'm very generous but I'm not exactly "gentle" I thought women liked it a bit rough around the edges, slam me against the wall type of thing.
It doesn't matter what "women" like, it matters what SHE likes. Have you discussed what she does and doesn't enjoy? Ask her how she feels about the speed and such. Women are all individuals, and while many enjoy that sort of roughness, there are plenty of women who don't. The best lovers I've had are people with whom I had very open and clear communication.
My advice is to use this as an opportunity to get more open with your communication with her. Don't focus on what this guy did for her--focus on what you can do for her.
You thought women liked it rough?
Then you need to learn to be a better lover. That's just sad that you tought that.
Yes, women like lots of gentle foreplay, duh.
To go from lots of gentle foreplay to being "slammed up against a wall",
I would feel bad too.
That's not necessarily the case. I LOVE that sort of roughness. Gentle foreplay is great for a while, but I also really enjoy animalistic f*cking. It depends very much on the individual. The OP's girlfriend may well be into more gentle sex, but she's the one who knows that and needs to communicate that to him. | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/14/2009 8:22:48 PM | I agree Abbicci. Too much talk about the ex. There are some things one should keep to themselves but since it's out there....
1Look at it this way, maybe he was the best she ever had but someone else was the best she ever had before him right? See my point? Focus on what you do and you can be the best she's ever had.
Find out what she likes and you might be surprised you might find some spots that she never knew that she had. Cheer up over there. If you love her then love her enough to statisfy her. Take your time to really get to know what she likes, what turns her on, etc. and get to loving (LOL)
Don't be afraid to experiment, spice it up and try some new things. Let the ex stay in the past. Remember that you are the present. If he was Mr. Perfect he would still be in the picture but since he isn't stake your claim because right now you have the upper hand.  | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/16/2009 6:43:01 AM | The point is .. that she is already telling him without words that he is not her emotional connection someone else is ... and like I said before .. you cannot jump around and grow fifteen inch balls and expect a different outcome.. she is already without any form of communication .. invested elsewhere ....
Our highest and most sacred connection as humans is sexuality .. if not it should be .. or we would be procreating our species with anyone.. and producing outcomes where we have no plans for investment.
If she is invested elsewhere he already knows... he doesn't need to hear it from her voice .. you can see it in someones eyes they are not present !!! I believe that honesty is the best policy in the verbal articulation after the fact as to go beyond this is to firstly recognize that this is where they begin.... that is what grownups do.. in order to be vulnerable you must be able to uncover this or you begin a lie.. and that is no way to start something that could be incredible. She has now told him her truth and there are ways to alter what is .. she has given equilibrium from her heart, mind and molecules to allow for change .. to deny this is only to deny herself and when she divulged this she allowed her true self to be unveiled to this man..
It would have been valuable to have been in touch with allowing this information to the forefront before sex began as that would have started a detoxifying process to begin on a better emotional footing .. fraility and honesty are strengths of character .. they set messages to let s0meone in to who we really are .. and without that we have nothing .. as we fake what needs to be addressed in ourselves.
The OP has no need to feel as though he opened up an area of where he should not go... in order for them to be true to each other as a bond that cannot be foresaken they must go to the truth ... to be emotionally deep you must go deep.. and if this is going to be great sex it has to enter depth. The best sex is about emotional connection ... a female cannot succumb to vulnerability without having that connnection .. so anyone that says you can have great sex without engaging your emotional bond with the person you have physically engaged to tango with is saying that they "felt" nothing .. genitals can move but the brain on a deeper level is not there ..
If she divulged this information in a manner that rendererd an expressionism so as not to hurt your soul then you have begun a relationship that will alter both of you for the better .. if it was expressed of spite .. and unconcern ... she is not ready for herself let alone you ..
I am certain that the owner of this post knows by her being and how she responds to her own inner language of self... as to whether it is worth it to continue on this journey ..now is the time to begin his journey of being completely honest with himself. A decision should be based on the way you treat each others molecules .. if you are not healing together .. you will not grow strong...it is the natural consequence of what is. | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/16/2009 7:16:33 AM | "now is the time to begin his journey of being completely honest with himself"
OK, then should he be honest with himself first and realize he maynot be the best lover in the world? And what's to say if the relationship continued and grew he could not become the best lover this woman has ever known? I base that on when people grow together, they become more trusting and open about things, and most things improve, including sex.
I think what you're saying is she is simply not emotionally available? Then my next question would be..how long ago did this past relationship end? Maybe she's healed from it and ready, but the topic came up...so she was at least honest enough to answer his question.
He's said he really loves her, maybe it's time for him to ask her how she feels about the relationship. And acccept a little humility. Or should we all just give up on a relationship because something was said that cramped our ego? | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/16/2009 7:51:59 AM | I don't think anyones ego should be cramped over the truth.. unless he has a 13" real boy toy and she is resting a gspot somewhere near her right kidney!! gees I do have a sick sense of hah hah... always.. anyway back to the best sex...
Like I said before she has offered up this situation information... she has told him that she is sexually invested elsewhere .. sex is not magic.. it is an action born of great bonds and then it is magic.. you cannot work with something that is not there .. the present moment is essential in great sex and she is not capable of a bond with him when she is already bonded elsewhere .. incidentally .. the best sex any woman should have is with herself as knowing your body and its rhythms has zero to do with a man .. investing in a sacred .. and special connection as in the action of love making is about believing and feeling in sync with the person you have connected to in front of you .. .. whatever you believe in will be what makes what is ..
If you believe that you desire a one true thing than that is what you will create in needs and deeds .. and he believes that or he would not have probed into an area where he already knows what he knows via her inability to be with him...the stage was set and the distance in the meeting of two sets of flesh was there .. you can feel emotional engagement if you allow your being to be in that moment... there is no comparison for a special connection if you are ready .. as living in the present offers no comparison.. you are just living and love cannot grow especially great sex without that... you must fear as YODA says .. engaged in a fearful approach to sex in real time is esssential... because you are in the present moment desiring to be your partners emotional lover, that is why you have sex with someone you "feel" drawn to .. in all sensory forms .. she is not .. only in that set up can you have a long term union.. all others are just players playing with someone .. themselves... an internal emotional storm is not great sex .. as the storm is still inside .. and you cannot enjoy what is .. if you mourn still for what isn't ..
The best lover in the world is someone who is looking into the eyes of their best lover .. themselves .. you cannot equate love making positions in sex with best lover .. as the emotional connection is firstly and foremostly paramount.. we all look at images of true connection in people... we see the photo of the depth of love in the eyes of the now departed life of Christopher Reeve and his beautiful wife and we "feel" their connection .. great sex , great lover it is all about great people making great connections.. when you decide to have a great connection with yourself then and only then do you allow your being the opprotunity for the same. You don't have to touch someone you love to "feel" great sex .. it just is when it is between two that are true in the eyes that bind. Best love is not about genitals .. it is not what we miss when they are no longer here with us .. it is the emotional connection of our desire for them as lovers that makes us act of love , motion is meaningless if you have no reason to move.. if the brain is not acting of desire born of a bond between two.. it is not going to be great. Alot of people on plentyoffish are just fooling themselves if they are looking for something that they cannot find from within.. you cannot make a great connection if you are not good for you .. and being bonded to someone in the past is a prison in a mind wasted on what can never be.. what is is where to live.. or you are not living. | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/16/2009 6:20:50 PM | | I read your story and i think you can you just need to be more open to her . The guy she was with took control and wasn't rough with her. Have confidence and be sensual and just take it slow . Give her the something else to think about. You are just as good as him and well you need to think that. | |
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| My girlfriend told me the best sex she's ever had was with a past lover
Posted: 6/20/2009 11:24:19 PM | I believe it is well that your feelings have changed about her. Because, you probably did not realize you were going with someone who was so selfish that they would dump on you their woes over losing a better lover (to them) than you are. What a ****! Dump her tomorrow!
Whitefeather | |
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