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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/14/2009 8:35:26 AM | Hun, instead of spending your time worrying about telling the ex, you should spend your time looking inward. The longer you continue to focus on him, the ex, the child and the relationship, you avoid examining why YOU chose to stay in a relationship that obviously did not work for you. Why did you stay? Why did you ignore glaringly RED flags? Why did you settle for this? Don't answer these for me or the forum; answer these brutally honestly for yourself.
The ex KNOWS about his NPD. She may not have made an arm chair diagnosis, but she does know that he is self centered, selfish, manipulative, etc. That is why she is his EX!!! Regardless of who initiated their break up, or your break up, this man will continue to cycle through women. He needs the attention supply.
Move on and move up! Don't look back. Find something else to fill your head. | |
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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/14/2009 12:34:34 PM | | OP do you know what defamation of character is. The thread hasn't mentioned any specific instance the guy did to you other than how you describe him as having an affair with his daughter. How you derive him having an affair with his daughter is beyound me. Perhaps he was spending time with her when he should have been in bed with you. And this is what he gets for it. You seem like a women scorned who has been emotionally involved with someone you can't let go of. There hasn't been anything mentioned in the initial post that indicates the guy is anything that you describe. It is interesting how you are bestowed the honor of labeling someone for the herd to go along with. I'd also question your emotional state again because you are trying to access his latter dates in concern for him trying to get custody of his daughter. You don't think something is wrong with that. She isn't even your child. You make it seem like there has been some sort of sexual impropriety. Also try him not being interested in you as a beginning to your quest for a label for him. I don't buy it. | |
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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/14/2009 2:09:22 PM | Hi Nexthyme:
I want to thank you for taking the troube to explain.. I know that you "get" what we are talking about when we mention NPD..
I am associating his behavior by what I have read on NPD.. ALL the traits are as if they wrote the books on him..
ME: Yes, I KNOW I have issues, from my past ...things I told him when he was "falling in love" with me... The more I told him of my disfunctional upbring..(i wont go into it on here) the more he would 'joke' about my skeletons. When i got upset he would just say "boy, cant you take a joke?"..
Im sure you know what Im talking about.. their behavior is very confusing with the push/pull technique.
I also am aware that I have deep rooted issues that have attracted me to dysfunctional people..I am taking steps to work through it.
I fell in love with his image that he presented to me.. but all of his being was a lie ..
You have knowledge of this disorder.. you know what they are capable of..
Some of these posts are looking at me like a "woman scorned" YES ,I was scorned DURING the 'relationship' - Right now I am extremely grateful that I was privately emailed a link to a NPD site. I can honestly say that I was astounded at the accuracy of his behavior - I have also joined a help site of other victims - we all have very similar stories..its almost like we are talking about the SAME man!
I am not vindictive .. if I was, there are many many things I know that would get him into the courts and even deported back to Canada, his home country..
As far as his relationship with the child.. there were many things that I took a 'doubletake' on, prior to my knowledege of NPD. Having read some of the traits - its almost like a 'fog' cleared and my mouth dropped when realization set in.. If I were to write some things on here that was done covertly, some people would think "thats innocent enough" and others would see clearly what I am now sure of..
I asked a close friend recently who has a psychology degree and is also a police officer with abused kids, what he thought of my situation. He acknowledged the trait and was fully aware of the covert behavior and said its very hard to prove.. but aquiesed that these things happen.
Again, I thank you for your message. My intension is to help and not hinder the ex wife - Lord knows she has enough to deal with. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER surely?
..and his texts and emails still show there ugly head occassionally.. I IGNORE them. Im told thats the best way to deal with him. | |
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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/14/2009 2:13:04 PM |
The exwife needs to know WHAT she is dealing with She already knows- that's why she's his ex. She handled it by divorcing him.
She doesn't need some former fling telling her anything about the man she's already done with. | |
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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/14/2009 3:06:54 PM | If you know that a child is in danger, you have a moral duty to inform appropriate authorities.
_If_ you know that a child is in danger. Do you know this to be true? If you do, you know what to do.
If you do not _know_ that his daughter is in danger, if your suspicions are based solely on your diagnosis of his disorder, then it is not your place to tell his ex or anyone else.
In fact, since there is a child involved here, if I were in your place, I think I would seek advice from a professional, a social worker perhaps, as to what you should do. | |
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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/14/2009 4:08:10 PM | OP, I DO get what you are saying, and probably even know what you are feeling... I understand wanting to HELP SAVE someone else from another persons treachery... However the reality in this world is that we can only do so much...
You spoke with an officer, and he has told you the down side, which is this stuff is hard to prove... It would be great to send the ex wife a little note with the web site... I supposed complete anonymous wouldn't be a big deal... However you have to ask yourself could you stop there, would that be enough to have given her info and then just let it go???
Stay off his radar screen...
Truth is like Ameera stated these "sharks" will come swimming back to your waters... The guy I dated day after his probation for assaulting me was done (20 mo), he looked me up on Myspace... I was shocked, I had moved to a different state, taken a year off of dating, and was knee deep in college hoopla...
It is good that you joined a group, that is always powerful, and always helps to know that others were willing to look past the red flags too... Stay focused on BUILDING you new foundation, and be willing to know that you can still fall victim to another "charmer" at this point of the game... It is easy to learn things, yet there is always going to be someone that can see past your newly growing "defenses" and see the weak spots you still have...
I know this, because I had been "played" after getting counseling, and learning what to look out for. You read these threads, and there is always a bunch of "guilt threads" that women have taken all the power, and won't give "GOOD GUYS" a chance...
That is why YOU have to focus on your own weak spots, and REMOVE them from your life..
As I said, people with specific personality disorders, and or mental illness look for certain types of people... It isn't a planned out process, but one that they have learned that WORKS, that these people get THERE NEEDS met from a certain type of person...
I would block him, and then if you have to change your number...
The NPD+ told me how he had changed, and learned all these things, and that he was wrong to have behaved the way he did.... WE didn't get back together or anything, BUT I read his e mails... He hadn't changed, and that was obvious because of the tone of what he wrote...
Keep in your group, and keep working on YOUR life... It is your life you want to save...
Best of luck | |
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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/14/2009 4:28:47 PM | Nexthyme:
Thanks again... its weird as I type this there is an article on CLARK ROCKERFELLA- on tv - he is the guy who changed his identity and lived a complete lie..he also kidnapped his daughter and kept her away from everyone.. they are describing his very "odd" behavior with the daughter........
Now im not diagnosing but.. I think I smell NPD off the charts... | |
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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/14/2009 4:42:32 PM | True NPD is actually very rare... Generally these behaviors are a combination of different personality disorders, mental illness, and mimic one another all the time...
Look up personality disorders in the DMS, or some of your good psychiatry sites... There are only 10 now, and you will find that these disorders cross over each other...
Just to let you know there is more than NPD, and that what MAY seem like NPD can be something else.. Either way YES, it is interesting to see these traits, and perhaps going to school if you have the time will help you get a good grasp on the human brain...
My field of study NOW is legal, I used to be in the medical field, However my minor is psychology, and advocation for helping people... It is really truly interesting to find out what causes these dysfunctions, and how they are treated... | |
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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/14/2009 9:41:49 PM | I agree leave the Ex alone. She knows something is wrong with him. You will be a reminder of part of the problem.
I also know that too many NPD are not or ever diagnosed. They are not, because they do not believe they have a problem, the restof the world has the problem. NPD does not just start one day, it happens over time and grows to becoming dangerous to those around them.
Yes I watched this first hand. I continue to watch his behavior with the new wife and it is worse than when he was with me. It will only continue to get worse. Saddest of all, unless a person with NPD, willingly gets help, there is no cure for them.
No Ido not have a degree, just read up on this disorder. You can learn how to deal with people with NPD. Believe me they do not just behave this way in their relationships. | |
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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/15/2009 4:17:08 AM | Eden: re ^^^^ in wanting to devalue her to me.. he used to send me emails that she sent him..he wanted my opinion on the emails. ... I NEVER ever saw anythng wrong in any of her emails.. just a mother concerned for her child.
^^ this also became one of the flags that something was amiss because when i gave an honest opinion - he went into a 'silent' rage.
He would not letup on hounding and antagonizing her. | |
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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/15/2009 6:28:58 AM | Enough OP. I'd really be interested to read his side of the story. You seem annoying. How about prescribing everyone who fits neatly into the category that you suggest adderall. That why the students at least can focus better.  | |
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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/15/2009 7:35:19 AM |
I have no grudge or am not vindictive at all
Yes you are. If you are over with this guy, leave him alone, move on with your life, instead of using your feelings of being the poor little victim to continue. You need to get over. His ex, probably knows everything you are talking about, even better. | |
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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/15/2009 1:06:40 PM | | It is tempting to send the wife something but will probably do no good. Plus, it will not help you have closure. He cannot be fixed, and the damage to the previous relationship is done. You won't be able to help his other victims. As one poster said, it is not your battle. Remind yourself that closure with him is impossible and repair your own life. It will take plenty of energy to do that. Do your best to forget him, use the websites to help yourself move on and Move on. Maintain NO CONTACT! | |
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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/15/2009 2:15:01 PM | You can sure tell by the responses who has dealt with an NPD and who hasn't. They are NOT rare, they are just undiagnosed! Have never meant one who thought they had a problem. NPD's are just crazy, they have no peace of mind, I actually feel sorry for their lifelong tortured souls.
OP, I don't see the harm. Its anonymous and not hurtful, and may help the Ex if she isn't aware of what kind of person she's dealing with.
What's the old saying...something like... "he who does nothing allows evil to continue". | |
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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/15/2009 7:55:56 PM | btj: You will never hear his "side of the story".. guess why ?>>>HE IS PERFECT!!!
If this post offends you move onto the next one - we have freedom of choice ya know..
have a great day :)
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Thanks to ALL others who KNOW this disorder - I am free of HIM but I am still affected by what I went through, thankfully it was just a year out of my life. | |
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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:43:18 AM | OP, sometimes that YEAR out of your life is one of the best times of education you can have... IF it has gotten you to really take a look at your own life, and to decide to make it a point to find mental balance then it was NOT time wasted..
I had a pretty sharp tongue when I was married... As well I NEVER forgot being slighted, and my spouse slighted me often, he did it because he knew I feared abandonment...
Crazy BF was 100 times worse than I could ever be, and he was relentless when he felt he was slighted... He could BIOTCH for hours upon hours, and then start all over the next day, as well, he had no problem repeatedly bring up the same stuff over and over... Beating me over the head emotionally until I just wanted to scream, however from MY END, I was addicted to the relationship... I bought into his telling me, that NO BODY would love me like he did... That all the people that were family and friends were really crap, and that they didn't love me...
I gave 3 1/2 yrs of time, really sad it took that much to learn what I needed to learn...
NOW, I don't have a mean mouth, and KNOW when to shut up... I let things go, and stop holding on to things that were dealt with... I hate to think it took going through such abuse to get my head screwed on better, but the reality is that I did need that for me...
MANY PEOPLE focus on the person who inflicted the injury, for me I stopped and looked at myself, and focused on my problems as a person, and things I did that hurt my own relationships...
It was a year out of your life, however what you do with that years worth of lessons depends upon you... Getting help and focusing on the things that make life hard when comes to relationships IS a very good thing...
I progressed more in the year after then I had my entire life... I feel like crap sometimes that I allowed myself and my then young son to see how nasty a person can be, and how he treated me... HOWEVER I can tell you I have never let myself get near a person like that again...
It can be hard to turn the focus on yourself, when you are hurt, and angry how someone else had to regards for you, BUT this is YOUR time to find out what is ailing you, and how you can avoid that personality disorder and the others that make life miserable for people...
As always I wish you the best... It is a hard road, but at some point there will be a part of you that is thankful that YOU experienced a harsh lesson, that ended up helping you to become a better person...
I can personally say that I am a much better person since the ordeal I put my son and I through, and fortunately my son is doing well, and seen this guys antics as a horrible way of treating others...
My best thoughts... | |
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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/16/2009 1:00:13 PM | I have a question about the narcissist. Can a person with these tendencies actually change if they meet someone they respect? Do they only display this behavior with who they consider the weak in the herd?
Sorry about the off track question - this post got me thinking about this type of person. | |
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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/16/2009 1:16:09 PM |
I have a question about the narcissist. Can a person with these tendencies actually change if they meet someone they respect? Do they only display this behavior with who they consider the weak in the herd?
A person with NPD, Narcissistic personality disorder, does not change for others.. They do not see anyone that is actually on their level, because they are generally superior to all...
As well these types demand all the respect, and attention, and accolades, so even if they initially have respect for someone, they will quickly see fault in them, and they to will be nothing more than an underling...
True NPD is very hard to treat, simply because these people do NOT see themselves as having any thing wrong, and if they did, they cover it up with blaming others for what MAY be deemed as wrong... As well, they are in complete denial that anything they think, say or do IS wrong...
Here is a list from: ( http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd-definition/menu-id-1471/ )
An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts. Five (or more) of the following criteria must be met:
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Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
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Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion
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Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions)
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Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (narcissistic supply)
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Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favorable priority treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations
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Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends
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Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others
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Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her
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Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted.
You stated Tendencies, which means the person has a few of the above listed traits... Most people have tendencies of a large number of personality disorders... In those cases it doesn't mean they have the disorder, but rather some tendencies... Example could be someone that feels they are so important, that they need to surround themselves with important people... That doesn't mean they have TRUE NPD, but rather a trait, which probably is over lapping with one of the other personality disorders... | |
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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/16/2009 1:24:14 PM | Who has actually diagnosed the man as "a TRUE NARCISSIST(NPD narcissitic personality disorder)" ??
You?
And what, besides Google, qualifies you to diagnose someone with a serious mental illness?
What qualifications do you have to "discover his 'illness' and label his increasingly bad behavior" ?
Yes, it is very clear that you are indeed still struggle with this issue. I suggest you worry less about him and seek help for yourself. | |
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| Broke up w/TRUE NARCISSIST - Do I tell his ex what he is?
Posted: 6/16/2009 6:18:24 PM | Insert Clever Line:
You asked a question...I learned a lot from this site: narcissistic-abuse.com
When I read this my mouth dropped at the recognition and accuracy of what I went through.... it is a full explanation of their actions or traits that outline their weired behavior. Many of them will never see anything wrong with themselves so will never seek help, therefore MANY go undiagnosed. They go from one victim to another without even glancing back.
By reading these passages by a Doctor in Psychiatry (Sam Viknan), who is in fact a Narcissist himself, opened my eyes and gave me the courage to run.
Sam V, has written volumes on the subject - it is quite prolific and if you are going through any of the tell tale signs, this is a must read.
PS: Nexthyme has very good points and I thank her for taking the trouble to explain the disorder to me and also to recognise why I was selected by him and others - I have issues that I did not know attracted these people to ME. Even though I was victimized by them, my issues from my past was the bait for them.
Thanks again Nexthyme!
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