| People who intentionally sabotage relationships
Posted: 6/14/2009 11:01:16 PM | Speaking as someone who has sabotaged relationships in the past, I can tell you why I did it. Having come from a rough childhood, I just couldn't honestly believe that someone could ever really choose to love me for who I am. Low self-esteem was the main issue but a secondary reason was the inability to trust love as being something other than a whole lot of pain down the road eventually. It really had nothing to do with what any man said or did right or wrong, it was 100% me.
As soon as I heard those three little words I was outta there.
Then I moved into my bad boy phase, where I actually thought if one of those "big strong men" could love me, I would finally be able to believe that I was lovable. They hurt me too (cheating, lying, etc...) so I gave up ever being with any man.
Yeah, that didn't last so I finally went for some help to deal with my issues when I was pregnant with my first child from my last bad boy.
I've managed to break the cycle of my own childhood with my children and I've also been able to break the cycle of being attracted to bad boys and I truly believe that I'm emotionally healthy enough now for a relationship but for other reasons, I am not actively seeking to get into one.
I am comfortable in my skin, cherish my quiet "me time", love being a mom more than I could ever explain, enjoy my career and for now I find all the satisfaction I need in the company of my children and my friends. | |
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| People who intentionally sabotage relationships
Posted: 6/14/2009 11:47:24 PM | I can't answer definitively, but I can guess... I don't think they seek them out just to break them; I truly believe everything in them yearns for it; wants it; but when they get it the fear becomes a raging beast and the fight or flight hits; and they hurt before they are hurt.
I think because they feel victimized themselves they don't understand how much pain they can inflict on another; not understanding they are empowered now; no longer just a victim.
It is a rough and vicious cycle. Until they come to some kind of peace and closure with their well, baggage, they will carry it into the new ones; it is not intentional; it is subconscious. But it seems to take ona life of its own when the fear hits. | |
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| People who intentionally sabotage relationships
Posted: 6/15/2009 2:28:00 AM | The subconcious mind, the part of the mind we can't conciously control, is extemely powerful.
This is where all the past pain is hidden. The subconcious feels it's job is to protect us from pain. This protection comes out as ending relationships to avoid pain,
overeating to avoid pain, being an alcoholic to avoid pain, drug addiction, compulsive gambling, any number of self destructive behaviors. | |
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| People who intentionally sabotage relationships
Posted: 6/15/2009 6:31:53 AM | | OP...People sabotage relationships for different reasons..Not all is due to child abuse. Some people cannot love themselves enough to accept someone else's love. So trying to love such person is truly a waste of time and energy, because no matter how much love, attention and reassurance you give them nothing becomes absorbed...and the more you give the more fearful they become because they feel pressured into giving back something they don't poses, so they find reasons to sabotage the relationship, it's their way of escaping and not having to deal with their underlining issues. | |
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| People who intentionally sabotage relationships
Posted: 6/15/2009 6:47:11 AM |
OP...People sabotage relationships for different reasons..Not all is due to child abuse. Some people cannot love themselves enough to accept someone else's love. So trying to love such person is truly a waste of time and energy, because no matter how much love, attention and reassurance you give them nothing becomes absorbed...and the more you give the more fearful they become because they feel pressured into giving back something they don't poses, so they find reasons to sabotage the relationship, it's their way of escaping and not having to deal with their underlining issues.
This is SO TRUE AA! My last boyfriend did exactly this and I was completely baffled by it. The harder I tried to make it work, the more he pulled away. And this lasted for 5 years! I knew it wasn't about me but still hoped I could "fix it". There is no fixing this problem. It wasn't about me. | |
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| People who intentionally sabotage relationships
Posted: 6/15/2009 7:54:30 AM | So far you've got 31 posts, and only one person admitting they actually do sabotage relationships...kudos Serenity BC. So why don't you change your profile from looking for a LTR, to Dating?
I really didn't expect many, if any admissions to something that would actually sabotage their ideas of a dream. Are they in denial, or is it simply because their not aware of what their doing?
Just how many failed relationships does a person have to have before they realize there's a common denominator in each one. Then take the time to take a good look at themselves and possibly, hopefully get some professional help. Not many are capable IMO, of that much self awareness. Because they'll (most) always have an excuse. | |
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| People who intentionally sabotage relationships
Posted: 6/15/2009 8:22:54 AM | Dang, Rick, I just woke up--gimme a minute! 
I sabotage relationships. As do all my siblings. And guess what--NO CHILDHOOD TRAUMA AT ALL. No divorce, no deaths, no nothin'--even had the same DOG until I was in college.
No clue why we do this, but we "test" our mates, to be sure they really do love us. For example, asking him to do something for me and when he says 'no he's too busy', getting all bent out of shape about it. Instead of accepting that he's "too busy", I make up a story in my head how he doesn't care for me at all, I need to dump him and find a guy who ISN'T too busy to help me out.
Now, when I see I am making up some stupid "crisis" in order to test the relationship, I back off. But I still have my moments. I find I DO crave someone who is never "too busy" to help me out, but apparently this is too much to ask of anyone. | |
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| People who intentionally sabotage relationships
Posted: 6/15/2009 8:31:40 AM | | OK CassaGo, have another cup of coffee. You're describing yourself and siblings as "needy". I understand what you're saying and it's something you "need" to deal with. But most people who self sabotage a relationship have far deeper problems. | |
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| People who intentionally sabotage relationships
Posted: 6/15/2009 3:30:30 PM | And guess what--NO CHILDHOOD TRAUMA AT ALL. No divorce, no deaths, no nothin'--even had the same DOG until I was in college.
People always think of trauma as death, divorce or something grave like that. Fact of the matter is, people react to different situations, depending on where they are in life -- a move to another state can be as traumatic to one child as the death of a parent.
Or not ever being given attention (as the child perceives it) can result in trauma.
Trauma is the human condition. We all have to learn to face and process disappointment, pain, loss and rejection.
A parent being ill for a time when a child really needed comforting can result in trauma. Also, we haven't even talked about co-dependent behavior, which is modelled and encouraged in our society as "love".
The co-dependent lover says: OMG, I love you so much!!!! Now get the hell away from me! And back and forth and forth and back.
It's all fire and angst and longing and desire and want and pain -- the stuff we swoon over in movies and books. But in real life, that's not love; that's dysfunctional, and a very painful way to have a relationship. | |
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| People who intentionally sabotage relationships
Posted: 6/15/2009 3:45:09 PM | OP,
Ever think that just maybe those people are sabotaging anything, but are just going through the motions of the relationship? Relationships can often be destine to fail before the two people ever meet. So it's nothing more then life setting itself right.
Put two people that are meant to be together and nothing will come between them.
The rest of the people are just settling for mediocre or unhappy lives! | |
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| People who intentionally sabotage relationships
Posted: 6/15/2009 3:52:26 PM | I'm a confessed relationship saboteur. I tend to detonate them the moment something goes wrong. It is a habit I am trying my hardest to break. I think I do it because I dislike the feeling of being dumped. It feels lousy. I find that dumping someone makes me feel like I "won" whereas if I'm dumped, I "lost."
Yeah I know it's twisted, I'm trying to give the women in my life more chances, trying to be more relaxed... but sometimes, they do something that just sets me off, and bam, I'm out of there.
My last ex and I go to college together. I work on the school paper. One week, I let a bunch of editing errors hit print, and was really pissed off about it. Her idea of consoling me was taking a stack of print from a newsstand, a stack that probably cost a thousand dollars to print and represented the work of 20 people and one pissed off paper coordinator, and chucked it in the trash. In that instant my love for her died and I ended the relationship in my usual explosive fashion a few days later after mulling it over.
I have no traumatic childhood experiences to speak of. I just dislike being dumped, and employ frequent pre-emptive shock and awe dumpage. | |
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| People who intentionally sabotage relationships
Posted: 6/15/2009 4:45:48 PM | You sure did!
Round and round in circles .. still not clear on what u are asking!
They screw things up because they are not really into you and or they have committment issues. Try not to make their problem yours. | |
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| People who intentionally sabotage relationships
Posted: 6/15/2009 6:28:05 PM | | It is a tough topic, sometimes people use sabotage as a coping mechanism. It helps them cope. So maybe as a child they were abandoned, they may have not recovered from that incident thus they may ruin relationships intentionally or subconciously because they fear abandonment. It can happen for many reasons. I think they have to work on their problems at their own pace, and not all will work through them. I think all we can do is understand people's life stories and actions that they may exhibit due to experiences that they have had. And also accept they may not change ever, and it is not up to us to change them. | |
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| People who intentionally sabotage relationships
Posted: 6/15/2009 9:22:24 PM | Or they'll turn to drama, simply trying to get the attention they lacked during their childhood!
The list is long, and unfortunately most just keep on doing what their doing without ever taking any responsibility, leaving a wake of failed relationships because their in denial.
And that's simply one reason why some people sabotage relationships. Take a page to list just the ones I've learned about. | |
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