| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/15/2009 10:39:38 PM | ...My dear soldierbyte,
I never quite know how to respond to your posts...or if I should  I was only agreeing with something someone else posted, and now I'm kinda sorry I did....for many reasons. Please accept my humble apology.
...maeflowers | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:39:11 AM | sagman4u - are you even remotely serious?
You have just insulted her, myself, and EVERYONE who is in our shoes. It's because of people like you that reinforce stereotypes that we WON'T find anyone whose right for us easily because you KEEP US FROM FINDING SOMEONE - BY REASON OF THE FACT THAT YOU CONTINUOUSLY SPREAD AROUND BULLSHIT ABOUT US BY MAKING ACCUSATIONAL STATEMENTS LIKE THE ONE'S YOU JUST MADE!!! Who in the HELL gave you the right to prosecute ANYONE!
Are you jealous? Did you mess up your life so much that NOW you have to pick on people who HAVEN'T? Why are you so angry at her for NOT having gotten married?
She's done absolutely nothing wrong - and your crucifieing her on the cross of public opinion. Your notions are based upon baseless conjecture, inuendo, and a pack of prehistoric social wive's tales based upon NOTHING!
Your "logic" stems from a lab rat conditioned, lemming, bandwagon mindset - and you've proven yourself a follower and not a leader. You are PATENTLY RIDICULOUS!!!
You are obviously a misogynistic sexist, and your using the fact that she has never been married as a platform to take a cheap stab at her because she's a female who - in YOUR eyes - hasn't followed the traditional norm. Apparantly " LIVE AND LET LIVE" is a concept that is seriously alien to your way of thinking. How sir - can you believe yourself to be so enlightened, that you can blindly SLAM someone else whose life you have not a clue about? Someone whose history YOU DO NOT KNOW?
How can you make such bold assumptions based upon facts that are NON-EXISTANT TO YOU? You do not KNOW HER - you do not know the ROAD THAT SHE HAS TRAVELLED, and you ARE NOT QAULIFIED TO JUDGE HER - PERIOD!!!!! | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:46:07 AM | Whoa..slow your role cowboy
Every person has an opinion, he was just stating his, and I doubt that his point of view is the opinion of the majority.
I will add though that chronic and irrational anger creates problems getting along with others, and can lead to involvement in physically or emotionally abusive relationships.
JMO.
I find it easier to enjoy life and the perspective of others even when it disagrees with my outlook on life. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 1:05:28 AM | Passionate gent, you are absolutely correct sir. My apologies to you - and also to sagman4u for allowing my sense of rightious indignation to get the better of me. But I have faced considerable prejudicial behavior from others when they have learned of my "never married" status. In a more rational world - it would not be an issue.
I felt that my anger was justified because he was implieing that never married seniors are "damaged goods"(insinuation). I am only 42 - but I still took that as an insult.
As not only standing up for myself - but for others within my unique social minority.
Opinions are one thing - but the villification and demonization of others is quite another issue. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 3:21:54 AM |
I don't think I'm broken, flawed, etc. So what gives with the red flags and the older crowd! Explanations sought, please.
Never married doesn't raise red flags with me. Doesn't mean they are broken or flawed. It just means that for whatever reason - marriage wasn't a choice they wanted to make. It doesn't mean that they aren't able to succesfully engage in a relationship or that they are any of the stereotypes already brought up. They just chose not to marry.
Never married and never involved in an LTR would be a big red flag. My own personal experience has been that those who have never married/been involved in an LTR aren't able to compromise their own lifestyle choices to the extent necessary to be part of a committed relationship. Even if they have reached an intellectual decision to attempt a relationship now, those who have reached my age or older without having been involved in any kind of a long term relationship don't seem to be good bets for learning those skills at this late point either. Just my experience though - probably doesn't apply to all in that boat.
Cheers | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 4:38:35 AM | Hi Magic,
Some people think because you were never married that you are not able to make a commitment with the opposite sex.
I certainly would not look at it like no one wanted you as some other poster stated.
However I hate to admit this to you but it would be a red flag for me as well.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 7:01:02 AM | It's interesting, magic fish ...
I have never married, and if I meet a guy who has never been married I think of it as a great thing ... not a red flag. One, two, three divorces under a man's belt does concern me moreso.
If people see never-married people as "red flags", I guess they are entitled to think what they like. Really, if they prefer someone who is bitter from previous marriage(s), that is their option. Personally, it is a turn-off for me.
Had I known not being married would be such a concern for others at this stage of life, I guess I should have married who I was supposed to ... then I could have enjoyed years of blissful being cheated on, emotional abuse, and being knocked around when he drank ... and likely would have 4 kids to keep me locked up for years ... until I could finally break free and get divorced. Then I would be more "normal"?? lol | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 7:47:58 AM | the thing is you have to ask a few questions about this peice of info. the only thing i know is you never said "i do", does that mean you are anti social? violent? conflicted about sexuality? unable to form a meaninful bond? or is there some less negative reason like you lived with a person for years and never got married? perhaps you had sick parents to care for and you simply never had time for love. Its not the state a person is so much as why they are in it and what they learned from it that matters.  | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 8:36:44 AM | If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 11 35 AM
Sagman4U, I'm not drinking the Cool Aid - because I DON'T follow the crowd.
You speak your mind - and I respect that, what I DON'T respect is making assumptions about people before you get to know them.
I haven't married - NOT because I'm trying to make some anti-establishment, left wing, Californian B.S. hippy freak statement SIR - I have never married because I HAVE NOT FOUND THE RIGHT PERSON - PERIOD! Time pushes me to no great rush. I WILL NOT SETTLE! - I just got out of a relationship where I ALMOST SETTLED for the WRONG PERSON FOR ME - and if I had caved and went ahead with it, then I could've been a happy "LA LA WHOOPEE!!!" Member of the global divorcees club. I would rather yank my eyeballs out with a rusty can opener THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
I resent others forcing their expectations upon me - and then "nudging me out of the club" - if I haven't made the same retarded, idiotic, stupid, innane, foolish, and childish
pooch screws that THEY HAVE! I have never been married before, and am past 35 - I'm am in the the social minority, hence I CANNOT BE A "FOLLOWER" IN THAT REGARD. FOLLOWERS TEND TO AVOID REJECTION AND PERSECUTION
BASED UPON THEIR CHOICES OR BELIEFS.
I am not OVERLY SENSITIVE - I am JUSTIFIABLY PISSED, whip out the Websters and dig for the difference sir. I am pissed because myself - and others like me - who haven't married, and yes - some who haven't even yet had real "LTRs", or the victims of "BASELESS, BASELESS, BASELESS" assumptions - and "witch hunting".
All that I have to say to others who go through their little lives with blinders on, and who fly "RED FLAGS" when someone has conducted themselves responsibly, while THEY go out and do all manner of unGodly crap - while judging folks like us, is that they can take their tiny hypocritical "RED FLAG" - and shove it up the very thing that they have been using as a substitution for a brain for most of their lives.
P.S. - IF my handle "the lonely dude" says volumes about me - then your handle "sagman4u" says even more about you. Personally - I would prefer "the lonely dude" any damn day of the week - END RANT! | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 9:53:45 AM | Its not the state a person is so much as why they are in it and what they learned from it that matters.
Very true Mr. Parrot
In my case it was being the only child around of 2 elderly parents who spent a lot of time going in and out of hospitals. I helped moved them out of their house, into 2 different apartments at different times, did the groceries, bill paying, taxes and even cooking. At one time they were in different hospitals, and I was running from their apt - to the 2 hospitals, and my own home, to take care of their needs. On top of that I was working a full time job that required a lot of overtime, and sometimes shift work.
I did this for over 20 yrs, and yes, it was my choice not to have a relationship as I didn't think it fair to any man to be dragged into that situation.
To say someone who has never been married by now is likely unable to compromise is ludicrous. I have found the men I have dated who have come out bad marriages and finally have some peace and freedom in their lifes, are absolutely unwilling to take a chance in losing those. I understand that, and have a certain amount of sympathy for their stance. The reasons people are unwilling to compromise has nothing to do with the fact that they have never been married; it is the type of person they are. There are many married people who are unwilling to compromise as well, hence the high number of divorces.
My advice is try to get to know the people, before you judge them, as Parrothead advised.
However OP think about it this way - if they judge you without really knowing you, is this the type of person you would like a long term relationship with? They perhaps do us a favour by dismissing us. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 10:15:39 AM |
It's not the state a person is so much as why they are in it and what they learned from it that matters.
Yes! I was going to answer this thread that it is an *initial* red flag until I have more information. Maybe I could call it a *yellow* flag (proceed with caution), meaning more information is needed.
I also have yellow flags for the multiple marriages (yes, that is you, dear Soldier Byte) and other things. I'm not looking for the perfect partner here. I'm just looking for someone who owns their choices and learns from their mistakes, instead of either a) playing the victim or b) blaming someone else for their choices.
OP, you said you started this thread because you've read many references to negativity towards the never married in this forum. My advice: mark the people who've said it's a red flag as not-what-you-want and move on. In other words, it should be a red flag to YOU that they are still letting their past inhibit their future.
What's got me worried is that you've equated this attitude with your own attractability. No so! You wouldn't want someone with this attitude anyway? | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 10:34:37 AM | I really don't see why someone who hasn't been married would be a red flag.
Looks like just one more reason for men to automatically reject someone.
Seems to be about a hundred reasons men have to automatically reject.
And it can be done so fast, with about a dozen fast questions.
No need to waste time getting to know a woman before you reject her...
What! Never been married!!! REJECT! next.... | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 10:48:00 AM | I really don't see why someone who hasn't been married would be a red flag.
Looks like just one more reason for men to automatically reject someone.
Seems to be about a hundred reasons men have to automatically reject.
And it can be done so fast, with about a dozen fast questions.
No need to waste time getting to know a woman before you reject her...
What! Never been married!!! REJECT! next.... Agree!!
Given the way some people complain about how bitter and angry divorced people are, it's really hilarious how adamant people can be, possibly the same people, about not wanting to get involved with a never married person. On these forums, I have never seen so much bickering, anger, bitterness, and just plain hatred between men and women. And almost exclusively, that is between those who have been married. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 10:54:00 AM | .
As I read through this thread, two things came to mind;
How would one know if a person had never been married from their profile? I know quite a few men and women who, after a number of years of divorce or as a widow/er, consider themselves single.
And, I can't imagine it mattering in any case. People who have tried and failed in one or more marriages are no more or less capable of a lasting commitment than one who has never married.
In my view, raising a Red Flag over this issue would be short-sighted.
 
. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 10:54:22 AM | Oh you can reject people for any reason or no reason at all. Problem is www that rejection is a final thing and often done without consideration. There are reasons to simply say no but most folks dont stop and think so much before they act, mores the pity really. You never really know if the person you are rejecting for some superficial reason could have been the love of your life and you just missed it.  | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 11:29:30 AM | Parrothead 13 said:
" the only thing i know is you never said "i do", does that mean you are anti social? violent? conflicted about sexuality? unable to form a meaninful bond? or is there some less negative reason like you lived with a person for years and never got married? "
Do you SEE? - here we have JUDGEMENT - or rather prejudice. What parrothead 13 said is the same analogously as making a ridiculous statement like "Uh oh - that person is BLACK, does that mean they are more prone to crime? will they lower my property values if they move into my nieghborhood? Are they crack addicts? do they REALLY eat carp? Will they carjack me or put a chicken bone voodoo hex on my children? PLEEEAAAASSSEEEE - how idiotic!
This is putting never married people in the same catagory as predators who cruise school yards in rusty stationwagons. It's demonization plain and simple. I am appalled at how STUPID people are. We don't merit a YELLOW FLAG, a RED FLAG, or any other paranoid delusional idiocy and superstitious nonsense small minded, obtuse homunculoids slap on us. If anything - we're bastions of wisdom, and should have are backsides kissed profusely. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 11:51:09 AM | .
Lonely Dude, I think you missed Parrothead's point. The last sentance of his post which you didn't quote, shows that he was NOT advocating any of those things.
the thing is you have to ask a few questions about this peice of info. the only thing i know is you never said "i do", does that mean you are anti social? violent? conflicted about sexuality? unable to form a meaninful bond? or is there some less negative reason like you lived with a person for years and never got married?
.....(my emphasis) ....perhaps you had sick parents to care for and you simply never had time for love. Its not the state a person is so much as why they are in it and what they learned from it that matters.
This puts me in might of that song from the 70's, "Short People," which people took in exactly the opposite of what the song writer meant. The last line of that song was, "Short people are just the same as you and me....."
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 11:58:20 AM | How would the divorced people in the room feel if all of a sudden the whole room started saying "Yeah - someone being divorced would raise a HUGE RED FLAG with me - because it says to me that they are creepy losers who can't keep a marriage together to save their asses! It says to me that they break up their homes - despite having children involved in the mix - because they are self centered, irresponsible, amoral, and childish themselves, and could care less about the psychological or spiritual welfare of their kids. It says to me that they CANNOT COMMIT, THEY HAVE SOME KIND OF SEXUAL PROBLEM, THEY ARE "DAMAGED GOODS", THEY ARE BAGGAGE CARRIEING EMOTIONAL TRAPS WAITING TO SUCK OUT YOUR LIFE FORCE, THEY ARE "UNDESIRABLES", SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THEM - OOoooooh YUCK - a divorced person - L-O-S-E-R!!!!!" It wouldn't feel too good would it? Choose your red flags wisely - because people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones...
Yes - I'm sorry parrothead 13, I should've been less hastey. But my point is that this nonsense has to end. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:17:32 PM | Look.... 
the bottom line is that we
as human beings and individual STEREOTYPE..!!!
It IS a fact..
being human.. we are not perfect.. 
example:.. see a big dog..
assume it is aggressive..
a little dog...
ohhhh so cute.. etc., etc.,
Our culture, life experiences, education, and
general outlook all had / have parts in how
we each see and perceive things..
Not always correct.. yet is how humans are..
And so it goes to say as this thread clearly
denotes..
How each and EVERY one of us is so darn adamant
that OUR way IS the ONLY and correct assessment..
I am going to ask the same question I many times
was forced to ask my fifth wife as she'd chase me
round the house with a baseball bat...
" come on now.. can't we just get along..??"
I'm outta here..
---SoldierByte--- | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:18:31 PM | Back in the 1950s, If you would have told someone on a date "Oh - by the way - I'm a divorcee". Your date would have more than likely excused themselves to the restroom and would have pulled a "D.B. Copper" on you - and you would never have seen them again. If you would have been divorced - and you had children - you would have been in the eyes of society just a little more tolerable than the Antichrist.
My point is this...STOP IT!!! Stop looking at never married people like they are abnormal simple because the flavor of the day says that your not kosher unless you've had a string of failed relationships and shattered marriages (which is a pretty sick viewpoint - I mean REALLY sick!). | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:22:07 PM | I wouldn't be concerned if a man over 45 hadn't been married, as long as he had been in at least one live-in relationship that lasted a few years, at least. Someone who has never lived with someone else would be somewhat worrisome to me. Just because they didn't opt for a marriage license doesn't matter. I sure wish I hadn't either with a few of my ex-husbands.
Everyone needs to be judged on their own merits. Whether or not you've ever been married isn't good enough criteria for being in a successful relationship now. Some people who are divorced are so broken that they will never be able to participate in a healthy relationship. Others who have never married may find the person who compliments them the way no one else ever has.
The red flags come with their personalities, not their marital status. Divorced or widowed doesn't mean you will be a better partner than someone who has never married. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:25:21 PM |
If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Nope. It's my personal preference. I don't seem to have a hard time finding those age-appropriate for me who have never been married and have no children and I don't find them problematic or phobic, either. I don't believe I'd be interested in someone who has never had a long-term relationship (more than 5 years) but I certainly don't mind those who've never ventured into a legal binding contract. JMO  | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:39:13 PM | Thank you ForumFilly - I agree with the majority of your post, but you made a statement that concerns me - here it is:
"I wouldn't be concerned if a man over 45 hadn't been married, as long as he had been in at least one live-in relationship that lasted a few years, at least. Someone who has never lived with someone else would be somewhat worrisome to me".
First of all - that would immediately discredit and discount me - because I lived with my former fiancee for only three months. I can prove that I am sane - I can demonstrate that I can be resonsible, and yet - your basing your judgement of me on superfluous data.
A live in relationship - OH - well - could that mean staying in my family home, and dressing and helping to care for, and bathe my father before he died of luekemia last Thanksgiving day? Hmmmm - interesting. Or - how about living with my mother now - and helping her out - while she tries to cope with life having a difibulator in her chest because roughly 36% of her heart is practically non functional? Hmmmm. Facinating...
Exactly what do you define as a "live in relationship" that has merit - one filled with hot passionate sex and empty expressions of "playing house", or one that involves actually caring for someone. Would I fit your criteria then - or - would you dismiss me without the benefit of getting to know me.
Your right - Content of character, hands down. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:58:06 PM | LonelyDude, you're not 45 yet so you are neither discredited or discounted. Gotcha!
Seriously, I'm 58, and have been married five time (4 divorces, 1 death). Does this make me a major Red Flag candidate for some men? You bet it does. Does that bother me? Not a bit. Why? Because the man I have fallen for doesn't see me that way. He sees me as a woman with a loving heart who made some bad choices. Did I learn from my mistakes? I sure as hell did. And everything I've been through in my life has made me who I am today and that's a pretty wonderful person, even if I do say so myself. Would I have rather not had 4 divorces? Most definitely. It's not something I'm proud of but they were necessary.
The only concern I would have from someone who has not been married or in a live-in relationship, is whether they are too set in their ways to allow someone into their space to share it with them. But this can also be a problem for anyone who has been single for any length of time. If a person is a solitary loner by nature, they are going to have a problem allowing someone 'in'. If they are a loving, giving person, by nature, they will welcome another to join them, when they find the RIGHT person. | |
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