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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 1:20:47 PM | My Dear Sweet Ms. mmaeflowersaeflowers,
You have no need what-so-ever to apologize to me..
My comment was meant as a veiled compliment in
the hopes to entice you into inviting me over to
spend some "quality" time together..
If you weren't in a darn different country..
I'd get rid of my shopping cart and hitch-hike
over to your place and visit you for a couple
months or so..
but alas..
the gals who like me live sooo far away...
and the gals I like..
want me far away...
Just remember..
if you ever get desperate...
I AM available...
more later..
---SoldierByte--- | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 2:44:50 PM | To forumfilly and sagman4u.
God bless you both my new friends - and forgive me for getting hot under the collar and a little snippy
I have been having a lot of transitional crapola going on in my life right now, I am also a little grumpy - but I chalk that up to the effects of the onset of "Manipause" .
I appreciate your patience, and I respect your right to have your own points of view.
Now pardon me while I knaw my own paw off, lol . | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 4:54:58 PM |
Let me see if I understand this. I've never been married and that is considered to be a problem by those who have married the wrong person and gotten divorced (maybe more than once)? Well ok - you are doing me a favor by not dating me. I can live without someone who doesn't think logically.
i am in total agreement!
thank you! | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/16/2009 6:38:25 PM | WOW!!! Didn't think I'd start a war with this one. Thanks for all your input.
Honeygaze: You're absolutely right. We are not in that 'mindset'. We've not fleeced a guy and I know that I don't intend to - ever. And I know that I've never been high-maintenance - just happy with simple pleasures in life.
tinkerbellcgy: I developed a very 'thick skin' over the winter - so the forthcoming issues are ... not an issue. And you're right - should'da done a search. Oops!
Landra2: I luv' being an oddball. Don't you? Come on, I know you do! Makes the rest of them pale by comparison. Non?
And, thelonelydude: Wanna get married? We don't need to live together or, heck even consummate it, but it could be fun. No need to be a statistic by getting a divorce either. Heck, we could even get dual-citizenship out of the deal. Yes? No?
NOW SAGMAN4U: I have issues with you. You don't know me and heck, you didn't even read my profile carefully. But to rebuttal some of your comments/assumptions:
1) you are a "professional" woman and MARRIED your career.
[I'm not a 'professional' woman but I do work. Pays the bills.]
2) you have shit for luck with men.
[You're right on that one. My child's biological father disappeared 4 days after WE found out WE were pregnant. The relationship I referred to in my OP (who was not my son' dad, but a guy I was living with/dating/possibly forming a relationship with) introduced another woman the relationship. As I've stated in other post - I DON'T DO 'ménage à trois' very well. I'm kind'da silly that way!]
3) you are a NON-COMMITTAL type of person.
[I don't commit to guys I don't have feelings for. Again you're right.]
4) you probably have a son [again, did you not read my profile], which would explain part of the reason why you never married
[regardless of the sex of the child - I had a child to raise].
Boys are attached at the teat more than girls.
[Again, you're right. His girlfriend has em' and he thinks they are the best!!!]
5) You are from the same generation I am. So, after high school most girls in our age group either got married or went to work. Very few went to college. You obviously chose work.
[I didn't really choose work - but, heck, I had to keep myself busy! You are correct in stating that the females of my generation were expect to get married or work. My mother is still upset that I didn't get married after high school, pop 2.3 kids, get .6 of a dog and live in a white picket fenced house. Oops, I'm French Canadian please change that to 6.3 kids.]
6) The issue as a man looking to find a mate when they meet someone like you (never married) it is a BIG ISSUE. You NEVER met ANYONE that you loved? Not ONE single person? Statistically, that is very hard to believe.
[I was involved with guys that I really loved (3 in fact), but they didn't love me back in the same way that I loved them. Read - players! I believe that in their minds - the grass was greener on the other side of the fence. What's a girl to do?]
Which also can concur up thoughts of YOU being a real *itch of a person.
[Interesing thought. If that's the case, why would men, whom I met last year here on PoF, be contacting me now. Don't men want to eliminate *itches from their lives completely? Or do they like the pain a '*itch' inflicts?]
And lets just assume you're the nicest person in the world, that is even MORE of a red flag to me. Because if you ARE that nice and sweet and loving and all that other good stuff....why no mate in marriage??
[Maybe I am waiting for 'Mr. Right for Me'!!!]
It's not like you grew up in the '80's. You know, the "new age" woman. You know the kind...the ones who have a career and think they don't need a man. You know the kind of woman I speak of. The same type of woman who thinks that a kid would be better off without their father present in the kids daily life. Another mistake made by women.
[I didn't make that mistake - HE (his dad) did!]
You even mentioned how YOU walked away from your last LTR to raise your kid. Are you for real?? Your 53 years old today. My question to you is when did you "walk away" from this last LTR? Assuming like women your age, your kid is probably anywhere from 21 to 35 years old. So did you break up 5, 10 15 years ago??
[Read my profile - it's accurate. My son is 23½ years old. And yes I 'walked out' 15 years ago. Again, I don't do 'ménage à trois' very well - just a quirk I have. Shoot me, for being like that!]
Another reason why fathers are just as important(and in some cases) MORE important to raising a kid(s) than their mother.
[I truly believe that male role models are important in a boy's life. And as his biological father wanted nothing to do with him (MY son - not OUR son), I made sure that MY son was surrounded by male figureheads throughout his life. Case in point, at 18, the Boy, (MY son) joined the army. During the first week there, he was told that he could only go home on special leave to attend HIS 'parent's' funeral, if it happened. MY son informed me that if his uncle 'C' passed away while he was in, he would leave the army (dessert) if it meant him not being able to be close to the ones he loved. His uncle 'C' is the most important male in his life, as been since the Boy was 5 years old.
As well, when the Boy was 8-10 years old and very passionate about cowboys, I'm the one (not any of the males in his life) who drove 4 hours (both ways) from Ottawa, ON, Canada to Frontiertown (Albany) NY, USA on day trips to enable MY son to be a cowboy for a day. Heck, one summer I did the trip 4 (four) times, because it was important to MY son.
I'm also the one who sacrificed car repairs and hauled groceries by bus, so that I could save the necessary money for the Boy to go on THE canoe-camping trip of his life with his Scout Troup.]
Before you women jump all over me, I love my mother. And my kids and I would do anything in the world to have their dead mother back....but we can't. Fathers are greatly under appreciated in today's society.
[I agree. The fathers who care, are not appreciated. The ones who don't give a ratsa$$ about their offspring, should not be /could not be appreciated. They just don't deserve the glory/appreciation/adoration.]
[...]
Well, there you have it. Oh by the way. Your last sentence..." I don't think I'm broken, flawed, etc..." Well, I'm not a doctor but I did study psychology. And if YOU think your broken...well baby, you are. As far as being flawed, we ALL are.
[I don't think I'm broken or flawed ... Heck, I think I'm perfect. And if the rest of the world thinks I'm broken/flawed... that's their problem, not mine!]
Why am I still single? Because I made my child MY priority when no man wanted to make me his priority. I am happy to state that my Boy does not have tattoos or body piercing, nor does he do drugs or smoke. He's a licenced auto mechanic and is now applying to get into the RCMP ('cuz mom always said that in this day and age he should have two careers, in case one goes into a tailspin).
People have asked him why/how he is so well adjusted - being raised my a single female. He has told me that he has raised his shoulders and said "I dont' know", then he would come home as asked me why. I would raise my shoulders and say "I dont' know", but if it works - use it. In hindsight, I believe I was a *itch, as referred to earlier, but the kind of *itch that did right by the Boy.
MF | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/17/2009 2:34:53 AM | Well I guess I have two strikes against me ... never been married, never had kids. So bring it on, all you critics. Tell me how I'm warped and twisted and lacking in something ...
That said, I've raised more than my share of kids (and done a dang fine job if I do say so myself), I've had long term relationships ... 13 years my first ... not only married people break up ... sometimes there's a reason, and it's not always the guy who's responsible.
Although I have nothing against the institution of marriage, there were reasons why I never married, and I think 13 years with one woman should allay any commitment fears people might suspect of me, not that I care ... I have my LRHG.
Almost 4 years into this current relationship, and she doesn't want to get married ... "been there, done that" ... fine ... I don't see a piece of paper changing the nature of what we have together, although I would marry her in a heartbeat. And I've helped her raise her two boys more than ever did their father, even though I never wanted kids.
Ceremonies don't make relationships better or more lasting or more righteous ... commitment, love and effort do, and no piece of paper or ritual is gonna give you a replacement for that. Do the work, reap the rewards. Where in the marriage ceremony does it tell you to rub their back or feet when they've had a rough day, listen to them rant about their job ... or share the good things that happened that day, bring them flowers for no reason, or chocolates, cook them dinner, write them poetry ... the list goes on and on and may differ for everyone, but the result is the same. Care and consideration go far.
Separate issue ... not gonna say I agree with everything you've posted, Magic Fish, but I admire your position and your commitment to it. You go, girl. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/17/2009 4:31:09 AM | Ok I've never posted here before so please be gentle with me.
I have to admit that when I see that a man has never been married it does put a question mark in the back of my brain but it is never a deal breaker from the get-go. People need to be considered on an individual basis. Generalizing doesn't work no matter what generalization one is making. For instance: All blondes are (fill in the blank), all black men are (fill in the blank). There are any number of reasons why a person has never married and not all of them are negative. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/17/2009 5:45:31 AM | Here is what I think ...
If you meet a person, at 40+ who has never been married, and fall in love with them don't EXPECT to get married its a long shot.
If you meet a person, who has been married 3 times, at 40+ and fall in love with them don't EXPECT to stay married its a long shot.
If you marry at all you only have a 50/50 chance. So either way life is too short, eat desert first and don't buy green bananas.
OMO | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/17/2009 5:57:11 AM | | If you marry well you have a 100% chance, while if you marry badly your chances are zero. The percentage of marriages that fail is not random. It is determined by how many people know what they are doing. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/17/2009 7:32:36 AM | SagMan4u ...
You are making alot of assumptions about me, based on that fairly short post. Yes, I am a little discouraged about the marriage thing NOW ... and I think the divorce rate is really sad, and all the hurt and bitterness that usually comes with it - not to mention all the poor little kids caught up in the mess.
However, it does not mean that I am "jaded" against men or marriage. I understand that marriages fail for all sorts of reasons, and of course it is not necessarily the fault of the men. Each individual marriage has its own reasons.
As for widowers, you are absolutely right. I would have no absolutely no hesitation dating (or marrying) a man who had been widowed. As you said, they unfortunately had no choices.
As for me and why I never married? The main reason being that I tend(ed) to make bad choices in selecting partners. By the time I realized what a "nice" guy was, it was too late ... the good ones were doing the "right" thing and marrying the girls that got pregnant, or in one case the guy had to stay with her under blackmail ... since he was naive enough to trust her with his life savings while dating. College, then getting pregnant by a "bad boy", becoming a single mom who was determined for her child to never have to suffer because of a poor choice I could make in a partner(meaning no involvement with a man for 10 years), then "dating" a guy for 7 years - but marriage not being an option ... there.... my life in a nutshell!
I don't think that qualifies me as a "jaded" person ... or commitment phobic ... or unable to function in a relationship ... (the point of my earlier post was to try to point out that just because I didn't go through a marriage/divorce, that doesn't mean someone should be any more leary of me than if I had been through it all)
I really do wish you all the best as well ... you sound like a good man. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/17/2009 12:12:52 PM |
Boys are attached at the teat more than girls.
LMAO ~ MEN are attached to the teat, Dear. It has NOTHING to do with raising a male child. (Good grief, that comment was well worth the log in today. I soooooooooooo needed a spewing-Pepsi laugh.)  | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/17/2009 1:25:12 PM | ^^^You might wish to stop painting all women with male children with the same brush. Not only exceptionally over-generalized, but simply isn't factual. Just because Freud says so, doesn't make it fact. I have a male adult-child (he didn't breast feed, by the way ~ he wasn't interested nor was I, he went straight for the hard stuff ~ a BOTTLE) and he's not only been on his own since age 18, he recently had a near fatal accident and I've only seen him twice since he's been out of ICU. Why? He's a man, has a life of his own, prefers to live it as he has for the past 5+ years and sees NO reason to be emeshed in MY life or me in his. There are many stories just like mine (save the accident portion maybe) and to think that female children aren't emeshed with their mothers is simply ridiculous and gender-bias. Every parent/child relationship is different ~ there are momma's boys and there are also those darling princesses that NEVER leave Mom and/or Dad. That's life, not gender. JMO  | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/17/2009 1:51:02 PM | NEWS FLASH - Through some correspondance I have discovered that MAGIC FISH was indeed serious about her marriage proposal to me - but her take is that since we're both "mature" adults - from a non-romantic perspective - it might be a fun, crazy, off the cuff thing to do just for the heck of it - i.e. just be friends, but be legally married.
I am in shock now, and have increased my level of naps and aspirin intake | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/17/2009 2:10:00 PM | I don't think anyone who hasn't been married is a red flag.
I do wonder about people who never left home or have never
been in a long term relationship or lived with someone.
Sometimes people can get set in their ways...like things the
way they are...don't like to see change...that's the only time I
see a problem.
I always bristle when I see someone post that somehow widowed
people are better at relationships simply because they have more
staying power or something.
Lots of people stay together because they can't think of anything
else to do. I don't think being a widower or widow gives you better
insight into what makes for a good relationship.
I agree with the poster that said the red flags come with their personalities
not their marital status.
In which case...some of the posters on this thread are in big trouble.
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/17/2009 5:54:01 PM | I can't believe this incredibly redundant thread wasn't deleted.
I can't believe I actually read the whole thing. That's ten minutes I'll never get back!
I can't believe this dumb debate is still raging. I think the only other one that gets so much time and space is smokers vs. non-smokers.
I'm going to watch the Orioles game now.... | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/17/2009 6:06:38 PM | Hi ya Lonely (guessin' we are on a first name basis, now that we've exchanged private emails),
You never answered my question. Will you marry me? Yes or No?
I believe it is No, and I am truly devastated. Guessin' another notch on the 'no' bedpost - correct? And here I thought we had a beautiful thing going! What's a girl to do to get married???
Regardless, you still hold a special place in my heart.
Hugs and kisses,
MF | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/18/2009 6:52:48 AM | Not all widowers or widows had a healthy marriage going.
You have no idea why people get divorced.
Sometimes the brave thing to do is the right thing.
Not all marriages are good and not all divorces are bad.
Its pretty much that simple.
The rest is just opinion. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/18/2009 10:03:22 PM | | It's is really so hypocritical for all these folks to challenge the viability as long term partners of people who have never been married when most of the people questioning others' stability have been married once, twice, thrice, etc. Most of the people who have not married have been in long term relationships, many of those relationships longer than many marriages. There are a multitude of reasons people haven't married, and many reasons people have, not all of which have to do with reasons that deserve respect. It's just silly and offensive and annoying for so many threads to discuss if never married people are worth considering for a ltr. How about a few threads discussing whether or not people who have been married more than once are good candidates for ltr? I would say, if you've been married more than twice, I'd question your ability to sustain a ltr, not to mention all the bitterness, anger, and baggage you bring with you to a new relationship. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/19/2009 12:17:17 AM | I'll have to agree with the last 2 posters in the posts prior to mine, too many broad-sweeping generalizations being tossed about here. just when did we become clones?
I just love when something posted can have all the answers. lol makes reading these forums so much easier.
as to widowdom (new word. I just made it up) affording insight to the relationship arena, I've seen many times on these forums where the deceased takes on a saintly aura, same as when some children tend to idolize the missing parent that left the family early on and didn't keep in touch. it's not uncommon to remember the good and kinda brush aside the rest, imo, it perhaps aids as a coping mechanism. it happens. but by no means are my words here meant as a slam against widows/widowers, but where clumping all male spawnage as tit attachments...yeah, guilty of slamming.
as a long term (23) and one-time-only divorcee and spawnmom of males, I'm hoping that I'm not delusional in believing that when they've shown me some unexpected kindness in one form or another, that it wasn't due to them yearning for my mammoraries.
suckling is not part of our relationship routine. well, you know what I mean.  | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/19/2009 11:28:50 AM | I get resentful when I meet a woman who's been divorced and when I tell her I never married, she looks at me as if I told her I was an alcoholic or a drug dealer! Where is it written that being over 45 and never married is a character flaw or a crime? Would I be more attractive if I had three divorces?
My last LTR was a perfect example. My then girlfriend who was my age, thought someting was wrong when I told her I'd never been married. She'd been married three times (no kids) and had ended a four-year cohabitation a year earlier. As far as she was concerned, none of it was her fault! I thought it takes two to tango! Her track record didn't concern me as much as her lack of accountability. We weren't attracted and in trying to keep an open mind, I was attempting to make a relationship with a partner who wasn't right for me.
There can be many reasons why someone doesn't marry, too numerous to mention here. These people are functioning individuals who are part of life. They're just as capable of loving another person as is someone with multiple marriages. The never marrieds are not all fat, ugly and unattractive. They are secure with themselves and will not marry just because they're of a certain age or the parents want grandchildren. They just haven't met the right one!
Being single is not a character flaw, a crime or a disease! It is better to be single than to wish that you were! | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/19/2009 2:43:41 PM | Hey there Soldierbyte. In regard to your first post in this thread,
If by our age they have NEVER been married..
RUN like h-el-l-l..!!!
Cause if no one else wanted em...
I'm sure I do not want em either..
And neither should you...
I find that rather presumptuous on your part. The assumption that someone has never married because no one else wanted them?!! I have had several longterm relationships, some as long as 9 years, and was not always the one who was dropped. Sometimes it was a matter of mutual decision; coming to the conclusion that we made better friends than we did partners. Sometimes it was because the other party was abusive. I would rather be single, and safe, than be in a relationship that was not healthy for me.
Frankly, I have to admit that I avoid men who have been married more than twice. Why? Because, for me, an inability to stay committed in a marital relationship may be a sign that they are not good relationship material. Not saying that the man is always the one to blame for the breakup either; just that multiple marriages are a big red flag for me.
Wishing you luck in the pond. | |
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