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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/19/2009 2:51:35 PM | ....The assumption that someone has never married because no one else wanted them?!! I .....I would rather be single, and safe, than be in a relationship that was not healthy for me.
.... I avoid men who have been married more than twice. .... multiple marriages are a big red flag for me. Agree, Bella. Going by my own experience, and I don't think I'm unique, most never married people have been in long term relationships and have had the option to marry, sometimes more than once. An awful lot of people get married so they won't be alone, so they fit into the societal norm, etc. I chose to stay on my own rather than marrying the wrong man, more than once. Chose to not 'be in a relationship that was not healthy for me.' As well, someone who has been married multiple times is, to me, someone who can't deal with being alone and marries the wrong person, only for the marriage to end in divorce. Making that mistake once is understandable. Making that mistake twice begins to be a concern. More times than that, and I really don't think this is a person who sees reality the way I do. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/19/2009 3:13:57 PM | aren't all the assumptions and judgements a perfect example of one reason society is so muxed up?? have we learned nothing yet? every person has a story--instead of rushing to your ever so correct opinions why not hear them out first?
and sagman4u--are you the category police now? i checked off "single" because i refuse to categorize my life based upon a very sad event.
so there--shoot me now. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/19/2009 3:19:19 PM | Frankly, I have to admit that I avoid men who have been married more than twice. Why? Because, for me, an inability to stay committed in a marital relationship may be a sign that they are not good relationship material. Not saying that the man is always the one to blame for the breakup either; just that multiple marriages are a big red flag for me. - strollinbella
It's true, many people consider this to be a red flag. I don't personally, because even if it shows the person has (& their partner) screwed up in the past, it also shows that they
WANT to be in a LTR & that they haven't become bitter & jaded, by their failures. They believe in committment & (hopefully) also in monogamy & are simnply looking for the right
person for them.
I read a business article when I was starting my first publishign copmpany. About 90% of all first-time businesses fail! That is a heck of a lot worse record than marriages have!
I do want to get married again, because I believe in marriage & love & long-term committments. 
In response to the SoldierByte's earlier post (#84)
A typical scenario for me: (sp)
I meet a decent gal, things seem to look "good"..
and when I say "yes, I have been married before,.. five times.!"
wthin minutes her cell phone rings,.. a dire emergency..
she just rememberd she has to be home NOW,
or she "don't feel good" and she needs to leave.
Anyways..
Regardless..
I never hear from them again,
some do not anwswer their phone,
some MOVE..
some call the cops..
and some have even bought a gun..!!
I feel for you dude & hear where you are coming from. I was chatting with a guy here on IM once & he blocked me, in the middle of a conversation, when he learned I've been
married & divorced 4 times. And he was divorced, himself!
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/19/2009 3:47:52 PM | SagMan4U: Re your message 71:
My agreeing with 90% of your comments to me was all 'tongue-in-cheek'. I think you are an idiot for thinking the way you do. Me thinks that you need to reply to another 50 posts to get this off your thread posts. Woman (the intelligent ones) will not want to approach or respond to your emails if they read your contributions to the threads.
On your '****ness' issue (was that bitterness OR ****yness) I've moved past that. Although 13-15 years ago I was bitter, I no longer am that way. Heck, I'm a great person to be with (or so I'm told by family and friends). You, on the the other hand, seem to take pleasure in downgrading people (both sexes). How's that working for you?
In this latest message to me, you state that you are not a 'drinker' yet your profile states that you are a 'social' drinker. Which is it??? Please explain.
As far as my son smoking a joint. It will never happen!!! He cares for his body too much and knows that it could jeopardize his chances of getting into the RCMP organization. Heck, he won't even participate in 'road rage' 'cuz he knows IT would be detrimental to his future career.
MF | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/19/2009 3:57:29 PM | I've never been married and decided, when I walked away from my last LTR, that it was best that I devote myself to raising my child.
Magic Fish, I don't see anything wrong with this.
People have questioned the fact that I got divorced over a quarter of a century ago and have never remarried. I wanted to ensure my son had a stable upbringing, and for me that meant concentrating all my energies on him. Mightn't work for everyone, but it was my choice and for us I know it was a wise one:-) | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/19/2009 4:12:34 PM |
My agreeing with 90% of your comments to me was all 'tongue-in-cheek'. I think you are an idiot for thinking the way you do. Me thinks that you need to reply to another 50 posts to get this off your thread posts. Woman (the intelligent ones) will not want to approach or respond to your emails if they read your contributions to the threads.  Agree, magic fish. Some people clearly illustrate why it is not always a good idea to get married. Look what you might end up with.  | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/19/2009 6:00:57 PM | This subject has been so beaten to death I'm amazed this particular thread has survived.
I line up with the other posters on here, both men and women, who are heartily tired and deeply offended by others who cast asperions upon never married people. Some people have been married four and five times. So much "until death do us part." How long could each "marriage" have lasted; a few years? I'm willing to bet good money most of us unwed people have had longer LTRs.
As far for the thinking that never married women especially were too busy focusing on their careers, financial states, etc., well, what's wrong with that? Are women supposed to stay in menial, dull, low-level, poor paying jobs, hoping a man will come along and "rescue" them, giving them what apparently all women pant for - a husband and children? What if one never does? Are women supposed to live in poverty because they spent the years waiting for some guy to come along instead of building skills that enable them to earn a good living on their own? Even if a woman gets married, has kids, yada yada yada, what happens when the husband leaves, either through death, male menopause or the call of a 24 year old hottie? How does the left-behind woman support herself?
This is the 21st century, for God's sake! Women stopped being chattel a long time ago, excepting the catholic church's outlook on the whole deal. Marry or not - everyone's choice and no one should be branded as self-centered, committment-phobic, a workaholic, selfish or any of the other insults hurled our way. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/19/2009 8:43:07 PM | You even mentioned how YOU walked away from your last LTR to raise your kid. Are you for real?? Your 53 years old today. My question to you is when did you "walk away" from this last LTR? Assuming like women your age, your kid is probably anywhere from 21 to 35 years old. So did you break up 5, 10 15 years ago??
Somewhat off topic-I could not help but comment on this. I will be 52 in 6 months. My child wll be 14 in 2 weeks. I have been married, but my decision to remarry or not will take into account being able to maintain the same level of time and committment I give to raising my daughter that I have now.
Funny that poster does not know women can have children in their forties. My mother did as well. | |
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kansuz
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Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 85 | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/19/2009 10:00:06 PM | This is an interesting topic and one that I struggle with. I have been married once and divorced once. I did not want the divorce but I do understand that it takes 2 to tango and that I had at least some part in my marriage ending in divorce. I have been divorced for almost 2 years and have not dated and am not sure I want to (yet). But I am interested enough to look at profiles on sites such as this. I have wondered about this very issue as well as the issue of people who have never had children. Intellectually I agree with those who say look at each individual and their personal situation and reasons. However, when I see profiles of men who are divorced with children similar in age to my child, I think that person might understand me, my choices, my responsibilities to my child, etc. more then someone never married, never had kids, etc. On the other hand, I know that by eliminating such people narrows my chances of meeting someone who really may be just right for me.
In regards to never marrying, committment is the issue to me. However, someone who has not ever had a long term relationship (married or not) is the bigger concern. A long term relationship (especially a live-in one) requires learning to compromise and accept differences. One poster mentioned that married people who have been divorced but single for a long time also get set in their ways. That person is so right! I have only been on my own for 3 years after a 23 year relationship and sometimes I think I am getting way too comfortable being single!
On the other hand, my X had been married twice before me and remarried as soon as he could after our divorce. Obviously a person with committment issues! I have zero interest in someone who has had multiple marriages at this point. What is the magic number? 0, 1,2 marriages? Obviously there is none and it is the individual and their personal situation that counts.
In regards to never having children-for me the issue comes down to having a relationship with someone who understands the committment I have to my child. I don't think people who choose (or for whatever reason have not been able to) to not have children are immature, avoid responsibility, or have any other "deficiency". I do think that, at least in many cases, they will not totally understand the amount of time and comittment I give to raising my daughter. I totally understand what OP is saying about choosing to not date in order to concentrate on raising her child. And of course there are plenty of childless people out there who have spent much time and personal involvement in the raising of the children of family members, spouses, significant others, etc. who would understand. I guess it all comes back to considering the individual, their situation, their personality, etc, and don't eliminate them as a possibility just because their expereinces have been different from yours. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/19/2009 10:08:55 PM |
I guess it all comes back to considering the individual, their situation, their personality, etc, and don't eliminate them as a possibility just because their expereinces have been different from yours. Yes, yes, and yes. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/20/2009 12:13:33 AM | Most of the people I know in this catagory(Over 45) that are divorced, were (first) married in their 20s. Most tell me that they were not really aware of what they were getting into at such a young age (i.e. commitment/ kids).
In addition, most tell me that divorce is a horrendous experience.
I knew damn well i wasn't ready for marriage/kids in my twenties, so I didn't. I felt it was prudent to wait until I was ready.
By some peoples standards, had I been married, at the young age most do, and gone through a divorce I would now be more attractive/availible.
So, why haven't I been married after my 20s?
Because I paid attention!
I am not opposed to marriage, but I have watched others and seen that it takes an extreme finesse and unique compatibility to make it work, successfully.
"Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread."
just a few 'needle in the haystack' thoughts | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/20/2009 2:04:38 AM | no you are not flawed, just like those who are divorced are not failures at a marriage, I,m proud that I never had to pay thousands of dollars to a lawyer, to tell me
what I aready know, he did,nt love me.I also did not have to take half his debt either, or have to change my nane back, sorry don,t but this red flag crap! The bottom line is divorced and looking and never married and looking is still the same,its just harder if your over 45.cm | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/20/2009 4:15:30 AM | Hi MF,
RE: "I don't think I'm broken, flawed, etc." -- You're not! Don't let anybody even suggest it! No person with integrity would write it, say it, or even think it about you. I applaud you for your fearlessness in restarting this thread on what apparently is an old issue.
So, somebody marries the wrong person, and the sheep suddenly becomes the shepherd? No way! You know that marriage isn't to be taken lightly, and you are wise not to enter into a legal contract with somebody-- because that's what it is, bottom line-- just so you can have your princess day? I want the dress, too, don't get me wrong. But it sure isn't worth taking on the debt and baggage, unless they are worthy of our respect, love and yes, commitment.
Really, we are the ones who are NOT broken or flawed; we know what we want, we know what we DON'T want, and we are not afraid to stay true to ourselves.
I say go ahead, revolt against "the red flags and the older crowd!" I haven't had much luck dating anybody more than four or five years older than me anyway-- no sense of humor, take themselves too seriously, too controlling, to much "I know better than you."
What do they know anyway? Apparently, not what it takes to stay married!  | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:53:47 AM | WOW talk about sweeping generlizations, I've never been married and don't ever plan to be, I don't believe in it. I was however in a long term relationship for 13 years but have been unlucky in love ever since . Am I fussy? perhaps..... I believe I have earned to right not to settle like so many other miserable people who end up in mutual dissatifying relationship and don't know the meaning of actually loving and respecting someone.
If POF is the pool of people that we have to choose from is it any wonder all us choose to be single....toooo many head cases!!!! | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/25/2009 10:06:29 AM |
If POF is the pool of people that we have to choose from is it any wonder all us choose to be single....toooo many head cases!!!!
Nah, POF isn't the only pool that you have to choose from. POF is the comedic version of the other pool known as real life. I'm not saying there aren't any head cases in real life but rather it's much easier to spot 'em in real life. But, you have to admit, POF can be pretty darn entertaining, no qualifications are required for admission and it's free unless of course you want to throw the towel in and become a "serious member". What's not to like? | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/25/2009 10:25:54 AM | | Why is it that men who choose to not marry, or chose to wait for the right woman get labeled as headcases? I think there's something tragic and sad about people who seem to marry for the sport of it. The red flag for me is too many failed marriages - 2 is my limit. 3 or more and I have to question their decision making processes. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/25/2009 2:43:39 PM | Rogue Saint, right there next to you on this. Those who have been married and divorced and seem to think that's a much more desirable state than never being married have experience in one thing only - getting divorced.
I agree that someone with more than 2 marriages/divorces under their belt needs some help in picking a significant other and needs to explore the reasons why they keep going for inappropriate people. Maybe they secretly don't want to be married, but feel the need to bow to "society" and "conventional thinking." People often chose others who have trouble committing, or maybe it's the picker. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/25/2009 3:53:40 PM |
I thought my life was a rough road to hoe with
five ex wifes.... God, the soldierbyte, you would be the kind of guy I would want to avoid - not such a good record there! At least I didn't marry my mistakes. And who says I don't have experience with living with men, compromising, etc. etc. (I'm wondering how much compromising you did, with five "failures" under your belt.) Never married people may well have lived with partners - and it may have been THEM who wouldn't marry the losers, not the other way around! You sound like a real piece of work - unless you're just yanking our chain, to get things going just for fun. Hope you did. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 6/25/2009 4:09:03 PM | Yeah Ms marelly,..
I can see why YOU are HERE...
Does your "charming" way get you many dates..
And I NEVER married a "mistake"...
Most of the gals here remind me in some
cute, sexy, or nice way of one or more of my ex's..
Afriad you don't qualify, as you remind me of none of my ex's
or ANY female I've ever been with..
cause I've not been so stupid as to make
THAT kind of "mistake"..
But I give you credit..
at least you identify yourself..
Now take your broom and beat on
someone else...........
Me..???
I'm searching for my lil honey bunny...
AND I find..
sugar works way better then being a "hater"..
(or are you jealous..!!??)
xoxoxxo
---SoldierByte--- | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 7/16/2009 7:11:06 AM | | In my limited experience ive found that women never married have never worked out with me personally... ??? Is it true in all cases?? probably I would wager that she would nt be long term relationship material..... She might be stubborn, resentful, downright vengeful all mixed in with a little bit of trying to be sweet..... It dosent work guys ... and women :: :modhammer: | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 7/16/2009 10:03:10 AM | When I was in my twenties, I worked with a woman who was about to turn thirty. Her goal was to be married by the time she was thirty. So she went to TGIF (which was kind of a pick-up bar at the time), found some man, and married him about two weeks later -- and one of them started divorce proceedings within six months.
Lucky idiot! She made her goal a reality, and she successfully avoided the stigma of never having been married.
She might be stubborn, resentful, downright vengeful.
This woman was all those things. For example, she bragged and laughed about having destroyed a previous employer's files before she left the job. But hey! At least she's been married! And that says something GOOD about her.... | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 7/16/2009 5:44:04 PM | Hmmm...
IMHO, only if:
1) They still live at home w/ a parent or parents.
2) They have an unreasonable number of pets.
3) They constantly bring up the fact that they haven't been married.
4) They bring up the subject of THEIR getting married too soon or too frequently.
and
5) They have an elaborate, well-rehearsed speech about WHY they never married that is volunteered to you and not asked for.... | |
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