| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 8/3/2009 3:46:04 AM |
I'd be more concerned about people who haven't had a reasonable number of serious relationships, which is not the same thing as being some undesired recluse who lives alone with their cats.
Moreso, a huge red flag for me would be someone married 5 times and that being held up as some standard of normalcy. There are also issues with someone who might have had 20 boyfriends/girlfriends by the time they are 30. I'd opt for someone who hasn't been out there quite so much, rather than either of the aforementioned options. Agree with you completely. I find that a never married man who has had long term relationships but has not gone through a bitter divorce and unhappy marriage has much less baggage then many divorced men. Also, those with multiple marriages are a bigger concern for me than a never married man.  | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 8/13/2009 3:39:17 PM | I'll sum it up with this: It is better to be single than to wish that you were! So what I never got married! I haven't been divorced either! No alimony! No child support!
Many women have a preconceived notion that a never-married man in his 40s or 50s should automatically raise a red flag. These women should revisit that! My last girlfriend was divorced three times and had just ended a four-year cohabitation when we met. In essence, that's a four-time loser! She projected my never-married status at me as some kind of character defect and insisted the failed marriages weren't her fault! If anyone should've seen a red flag, it should've been me when I realized her history.
Since when is never-married a character defect comparable to drug or alcohol abuse? Marriage doesn't happen for all of us. It doesn't speak for one's character or integrity. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 8/13/2009 8:00:11 PM | | I'm glad so many people (incl. the OP) have refuted this popular belief that single people past 30 are total losers. As we (in the USA) continue to hover past the 50% divorce rate, with a similar rate for subsequent marriages, perhaps we should reexamine this urgency toward marriage. Let's not forget the enormous emotional toll a divorce takes on all parties. That's why I'd take a 50+ single woman with a great attitude over a thrice-divorced (and inevitably embittered) woman any day. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 8/13/2009 9:39:43 PM | | I have a reference to my never been married/no children status in my profile, and have gotten several responses from men telling me how negative my profile sounds, and that no one wants to date a woman my age who has not been married. I agree with a previous poster, if a man seems to be hung up on the fact that I have not been married ( especially if he has not been married), then I say NEXT..... | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 8/14/2009 11:50:38 PM | | It wouldn’t raise a red flag for me. I’d be interested in their reasons why not, but would most likely assume that they never found anyone that they felt ready to make that commitment with. It’s entirely possible that they don’t believe in marriage but have been in a LTR. I only married in the 80’s because it was expected; I’d have been just as happy living with him instead but it wasn’t the done thing in my social circle back then. Maybe not being married could mean less baggage? Different strokes for different folks; what some would find unacceptable is perfectly acceptable to someone else. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 8/15/2009 2:43:21 PM | | I was asked that by the last person I was interested in. All I could say is I haven't found the right person. I really don't think there is anything wrong with me. I dated a girl once who is now on her 8th marriage (honest). I think divorce has really become acceptable while when it comes to being single people automatically assume stuff (they are way too picky, they aren't good enough, there's got to be something wrong with them, haha and the ever classic they must be gay). I while it saddens me when people get divorced I understand there are reasons for it. I just don't know why people say if you are over a certain age and you are still single there's got to be something behind it. I've even had women say they won't date a guy that has never been married. I just say...their loss. =) | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 8/15/2009 6:12:22 PM | | I often feel like a character out of the movie "Invasion of the Bodysnatchers"-- one of the last NORMAL humans, surrounded by alien pod-people who have an agenda all their own, and the well-being of our planet isn't part of it. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 8/19/2009 5:56:27 AM | | I agree....why should people who prefer to wait for the right person be pegged in society as someone to fear and loathe, while people who have multiple divorces under their belts, someone to admire? I will never understand this rationale... People who have waited to marry are overly analytical and want things "right", while people who marry multiple times just simply have poor judgement..plain and simple. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 8/19/2009 5:59:21 AM | | thank you for clarifying the misconception about unmarried people. My brother is now on his 4th marriage and his new wife is on her 5th. And,....to sustain the relaitonship, they decided not to live together! Is that any more normal than we are? Good grief... | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 10/7/2009 9:51:24 PM | ForumFilly:
I wouldn't be concerned if a man over 45 hadn't been married, as long as he had been in at least one live-in relationship that lasted a few years, at least. Someone who has never lived with someone else would be somewhat worrisome to me.
So you are Red Flagging people because they don't believe in live-in relationships? I have good reasons for most of those years, and I am willing to discuss them if the person is willing to listen and not JUDGE.
verygreeneyez
. I don't believe I'd be interested in someone who has never had a long-term relationship (more than 5 years)
So I should have married someone and let it end in a messy divorce instead of determining that it won't work and ending it peaceably in less than 5 years?
To state my position: 46 years old, never married, longest relationship 2 1/2 years (not live-in). | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 10/28/2009 9:25:44 AM | That's funny coz the first thing that goes thru my "never been married" mind
when I've met any of the numerous divorced women I've dated is, "How come you couldn't stay married?" hmmm? Watching someone like Lizzie Taylor go thru, what, 27 marriages (?) we have to wonder why she didn't just say, "I cannot keep a committment" after the 2nd marriage and just shack up once in a while and call it good. People may think, "someone who never married is committment phobic", sorry but I say, "People who can't stay married are committment phobic". By definition, divorce is not about "committment", it is about trashing one's committment | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 10/28/2009 10:50:37 AM | When I hear someone say a person who isn't married is "committment phobic" (excuse me, are u a psychiatrist? a psychic?), I think, "have they looked around and seen the craterholes (divorce) on the battlefield of marriage?" In this divorce culture ("I do, forever and ever, until I'm ready to leave, amen") where men get seriously reamed in the court (goodbye house, car, kids, future income), using a phrase like "committment phobic" is like saying a soldier in the trenches in WWI is "artillery phobic". Like saying somebody stranded at the North Pole in a leisure suit is "cold & snow phobic". Sexual liberation and monogamous marriage have what is known as irreconcilable differences. We are embedded in a culture of bed hopping and Sx in the City, does anybody seriously think any of those women in the show (and ditto the men, they are all dysfunctional) can ever be "committment oriented", as in "viable, lifelong marriage"? A culture that has embraced sexual liberation and the idea that men owe their souls to the divorce courts should not hypocritically assume that a man who (wisely) chooses to be very careful about "committment in marriage" is necessarily afraid of "committment". What he might be afraid of instead is losing everything he has and having to live in his car (excuse me, the Gospel Mission, he loses the car, too ) for the rest of his life not if, but when, the marriage fails because his lovely Sarah Jessica decides she needs someone who can buy her mo' better shoes. 80% of the time its the woman who leaves the marriage or relationship, not the other way around. I love women a lot, and know many of them have sincerely heart rending stories 'bout the no-good man they chased and chose to marry, but still...a man should not forget to take the existing cultural "norms" into account when evaluating the high cost of "commitment'. It's not far from wrong to say that at this stage of the game in America committment for men can be almost as risky as a frontline stint at Verdunne in 1917. (Please realize I am not picking on women, or men either, just the risky cultural context in which we all find ourselves today, i.e., who can blame men, or women, for being so-called "committment phobic"?).
Excuse me, I think I hear incoming
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 10/28/2009 11:12:37 AM | After reading several of the previous posts there is not a thing I can add. In my case had I married I would like so many others probably be divorced after 20 to 30 years of marriage. So then I could state "divorced" in my profile and then what? All the great female catches are going to come flocking to me? I can tell you another thing, my being single all my life has not stopped me from achieving my dreams and goals, so guess what, I really don't give a shit what flags it raises.
On Edit: I have a male cousin a few years older then myself. Last time I had contact with him he was on wife no. 4, My step father's daughter was on husband no. 4, I remember her asking my mother not to mention to Dave (husband no. 4) about John (no. 3). Another cousin is on husband no. 3. So these people are better than someone that's never been married. You people who think that way are all nuts. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 10/28/2009 12:29:12 PM |
On Edit: I have a male cousin a few years older then myself. Last time I had contact with him he was on wife no. 4, My step father's daughter was on husband no. 4, I remember her asking my mother not to mention to Dave (husband no. 4) about John (no. 3). Another cousin is on husband no. 3. So these people are better than someone that's never been married. You people who think that way are all nuts
And I bet all those people would vehemently declare that they were able to make commitments. Too funny, eh?
I don't have any problem dating someone who has never been married. It raises no red flags for me. Quite the opposite, in fact. I consider them to be smarter than the rest of us as, considering that many of us on here are divorced, it would seem that our "pickers" are broken. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 10/28/2009 1:19:12 PM |
After reading several of the previous posts there is not a thing I can add. In my case had I married I would like so many others probably be divorced after 20 to 30 years of marriage. So then I could state "divorced" in my profile and then what?
Well, Mr. Pitbull, you have obviously missed the wild and crazy new thing that is taking over POF these days. I have never seen so many people who are indicating that their marital status is "Single" on their profile and then go on to say they are separated, divorced or widowed in the narrative of their profiles. The correct use of the word "single" means never married according to the Canadian Government's web site. Why are so many people who are truly not single choosing to adopt the use of the word single which technically means never married? To me that spells a huge red flag in that they are lying about their marital status and are trying to be something that they are not. So, really, the major red flag is not with the never marrieds but rather with those that married but who find themselves now no longer married and are clamoring to jump on the never married bandwagon. Ah, the irony of it all. 
So perhaps those no longer marrieds might want to choose to refer to their marital status as "solo" then that is a non-descript catch all word that simply has no meaning when it comes to describing one's marital status. That perhaps would more accurately describe the state of one's marital status once marriage vows have been entered into and either death or divorce of the spouse has occurred.
Far as I am concerned, the only case where a red flag would appear in my mind is someone in this age group that had never had any sort of relationship with the opposite sex. All the rest of the cases except for those currently hooked up are completely equivalent to "single" as far as dating is concerned. People who want to split hairs over this are rather silly, in my view.
So it's okay for the no longer marrieds to call themselves single and be lumped in with the never marrieds when it's convenient for them and it's to their advantage and when it's not to their advantage they can red flag those never married singles? It's really quite silly for those no longer marrieds to want to align themselves with a group of people that so many of the never marrieds find to be so much of a red flag. It is really quite silly for those no longer married to want to misrepresent themselves.
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 10/28/2009 1:29:08 PM | Far as I am concerned, the only case where a red flag would appear in my mind is someone in this age group that had never had any sort of relationship with the opposite sex. All the rest of the cases except for those currently hooked up are completely equivalent to "single" as far as dating is concerned. People who want to split hairs over this are rather silly, in my view.
Personally, I think there would only be a small group of people who have never had any serious relationship by this age, and the reasons would likely be special situations, like nuns that quit the church, people who spent their lives in jail or mental institutions, or people who were really not social beings to the extent needed to even have a relationship.
Even so, every case would require some investigation before making any decision about the person. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 10/28/2009 1:45:38 PM | "And I bet all those people would vehemently declare that they were able to make commitments. Too funny, eh? "
Yeah they made commitments alright, they just did not make them for very long.
And here is another red flag since we are discussing red flags. I got an email form some gal telling me the Bullmastiff dog on my profile reflects the kind of person I am. Be advised that there are at least four incidences of Bullmastiffs perpetrating fatal attacks on humans. So now I'm a never married that owns a dog breed that has killed people, talk about red flags! All you never married Rotti and Pitbull owners you are just as bad! | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 10/28/2009 2:12:26 PM | OP,
Marriage is ridiculous at any age, if no kids are involved. Some people do it for religious reasons, but to me, those people are half-baked anyways. There is nothing wrong with never being married. You have no baggage, so employ that in your search for happiness  | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 10/28/2009 3:14:31 PM |
There is nothing wrong with never being married. You have no baggage, so employ that in your search for happiness
Whoa, Dude! There are many forms and causes of baggage and it isn't all related to being married, divorced, separated or widowed.
Before you start in on me, I am a never married and although I like to think I travel light, I do have some baggage. While it may not be major baggage related to relationship issues it is baggage nonetheless. Every man, woman and child has baggage albeit it may be ultra light for some people and mega heavy for others but everyone is susceptible to having baggage. It is part of human nature. The only human being that literally has no baggage is the newborn infant as (s)he takes her/his first breath. The meter starts tick after that first breath. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 10/28/2009 5:13:06 PM | | To slumpy. I don't think tinkerbellcgy has a problem at all! She is simply saying that a "never married" person does accumulate some baggage throughout their life. Relationship breakups, family problems, whatever...They are still baggage, just not the same pile that a formerly married person would have. | |
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| If s/he has never been married that's a major red flag
Posted: 10/29/2009 7:49:26 AM | There's also the commitment issue that has been brought up...and it seems to be aimed at us guys. I have had dating relationships....but when it comes to commitment (after a few months) they suddenly pull out the "I thought you knew I just wanted to be friends" card (sure after numours dates and numersous nights of sex and meeting the parents and friends and being introduced as the bf).
I've never dated someone long enough for living with to become an issue. In almost all my dating cases the women have been the ones to back out...cheated...lied..pretty much all the stuff that us guys normally get accused of doing. I've got no problem with commitment...would just be nice to find someone that's worth it. I don't blame it all on the women though...it's partially my fault...I have tended to go in the past (no more though) for the women that always seem to have issues and drama and are clingy. I've been drawn to the wrong type (all my friends and family have said the same thing). I've over the past few years tended to say thanks but no thanks to them as soon as I get a certain vibe from them. Even told the last one that canceled out on a date with me that decided to just be friends that I have enough female friends and wished her the best of luck but that I just didn't need her friendship. | |
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