| To settle or not to settle?
Posted: 6/28/2009 8:07:53 PM | NO! Don't ever "settle." It's not worth it. If you still feel like, "She's okay, but she's not what I really want..." tell her it's not going to work. Cut your losses and move on. That's so much better for you both instead of giving her false hopes and yourself a guilt trip.
At one time in my past I could have settled, but I'm so glad I didn't. When I met my husband we both knew within the first hour. We had 19 wonderful, loving, happy years. I lost him to cancer 4 years ago.
Hang in there, it's well worth it. | |
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| To settle or not to settle?
Posted: 6/29/2009 2:01:57 AM |
hmm..I would have thought it would be the other way around.
I think women would be more apt to settle for stability, security, money, etc,... then a man would.
As for me, I think it would depend on the situation. I could settle for not being "in love" as long as I did love and I was safe and semi happy.
hmm..Now you have me thinking....THANKS ALOT
Wrong!!!
I would love to find a girl that has class,doesnt go out bar hopping "with her girls" 4 nights a week and can take care of herself | |
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| To settle or not to settle?
Posted: 6/29/2009 5:01:09 PM | The part of your question that made me scratch my head was
Would you ever "settle" for someone you were only kind of attracted too because they were nice, secure, rich, stable and or you felt they deserved a chance
Attraction is not the of all and end all of a relationship. Security, stability, like minded thinking, financial compatibility etc all make up a large part of the equation. I think that people who enter into relationships and marriages simply based upon attraction ARE the problem. Attraction and "chemistry" are nice, and very important to a point. However, they are just one piece to the puzzle. If a woman came along with a like minded personality who I was greatly compatible with in how we lived our lives, I would definitely overlook the fact that "sparks did not fly". Now, I will admit that I don't make emotional decisions, period. Everything I do is based upon a stoic, rational basis. I realize that I am the exception, not the norm, but I have a strong opinion that going the other way and making your decisions based on feelings isn't smart or realistic in any way. Usually some happy medium between the 2 approaches is the best way.
To make a relationship work, everyone has to make concessions in some way (settle). Entering into a committed relationship can be a rational decision making process, and that is how 50 year marriages are made. | |
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| To settle or not to settle?
Posted: 6/29/2009 5:38:53 PM | Personally, I'm inclined to think that the actual question of settling comes from a rather silly notion where people are quantifiable to the point of one being better for you than another. If you choose not to settle, you keep looking, and believe me that you will not ever find someone without a flaw. If you choose to settle, you will eventually bump into someone that seems to be "better" than the person you have now. That just invites a whole host of problems that I really don't think I need to elaborate on.
You either decide to make it work or you decide it's too tough. Relationships aren't all bliss and sandwiches, they're full of irritation, aggravation, and pain, and you'll spend what at times seems to be a ludicrous amount of effort just getting through one day... then other times, you realize it's all worth it. Unless you're prepared to dig the badness with a shovel, you're not going to be happy in any relationship for long.
As Abraham Lincoln put it, "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." | |
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| To settle or not to settle?
Posted: 6/29/2009 7:27:37 PM | | OP the fact that there are so many people on this site actively looking for someone means NONE of them wants to settle. I find you have to learn to compromise and yes in some cases we all settle for character flaws that aren't deal breakers in order to sustain a good relationship. But if people wanted to settle this site would have to shut down cause there would be no one on it looking for someone, cause they settled! | |
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| To settle or not to settle?
Posted: 6/30/2009 10:38:56 AM | | "settling" means keeping someone in your life who has qualities that would otherwise be unacceptable to you. it's evidence of an underlying neediness that i personally find extremely unattractive and rather toxic. plus if you think about it, it's really unfair to the person you're "settling" for. what am i chopped liver?!? on the other hand, "settling" says nothing about whether or not your standards and list of needs are completely ridiculous. so don't settle, but make sure you have your head screwed on straight. lots of people have trouble with the second part. i'll settle for nothing less than Viggo Mortensen!! | |
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| To settle or not to settle?
Posted: 6/30/2009 12:41:20 PM | Well, I 'settled' in my 2nd marriage. I was only kind of attracted to him, but decided to give the ole' looks aren't everything route.
For all the people that think looks don't matter, I'm sorry to say, they really do. Attraction HAS to be there, for the romantic part to be there. The only good thing about it was that divorcing him was a LOT easier and I don't miss him at all. | |
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| To settle or not to settle?
Posted: 6/30/2009 12:57:46 PM | No, I would never settle...that would mean I would have to fake affection - not to mention having sex with a person I only felt so-so about - and I am far too honest with myself to be able to fake anything. If I'm not "feelin' it," then I will just be your friend, and that's it. I want to feel sparks; I want to look at a man and not notice any other man around me; I want to get lost in his eyes, heart and soul; I want to think of him when I wake up, and right before I close my eyes. You cannot feel those things with someone you only "like." I have plenty of friends (settling = friend-zone in my opinion) - I want the passion and emotion that go with finding that special person. I've had that feeling and I want it again, and I don't care how long it takes me to find it, I won't settle for less.  | |
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| To settle or not to settle?
Posted: 6/30/2009 6:26:17 PM | exogenist,
Everybody say "don't settle" or they wouldn't settle, but I think we all settle to some degree simply because we will never find one person who has every quality we are seeking. I know I haven't met one guy who had all the qualities I seek in a partner. And if I do seem to meet one who has most of the qualities, then their negative qualities usually win.  | |
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| To settle or not to settle?
Posted: 6/30/2009 6:51:01 PM |
Not a silly question at all but if they delete your thread it might be for redundancy -- no, I see people who settled and although they seem to tolerate it well, it's my idea of hell on earth.
I agree but dont tell them that.  | |
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| To settle or not to settle?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:03:44 PM | Great comments. Lots of wisdom and ppl speaking from experience. This topic has been on my mind a lot lately. I have never been tempted to settle until I turned 35. I kept asking myself, 'Am I too picky? Is my ability to attract men declining as I age? Are there any guys left that are great matches for me? Do I have unrealistic expectations?' and I thought maybe I should settle for the great guy who loved me but who was so different from me in some very big lifestyle factors? Honestly, it was a bit tempting. But I want to be in love and have that be mutual, and I want to have compatible lifestyles. So I have decided to not settle and have faith that when the time is right I will meet a guy who will be a great match for me!
However, I disagree with the notion that everyone settles. No one is perfect so it is unrealistic to expect perfection. But when you're in love with someone, you love that person despite their quirks. Or you love them for their quirks. If you're in love you feel like the luckiest girl alive. :) and THAT is not settling! | |
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| To settle or not to settle?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:07:00 PM | I'm not having much luck getting together with Rebecca DeMornay or Francis Oconnor. Guess I'm gonna have to settle.
Now, where might I find Janine Garofalo? | |
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| To settle or not to settle?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:29:07 PM | | Considering that we are all simply figments of each others imaginations - perhaps we settle for the fairy tale knowing full well it's a lie. Who knows? We are filled with so much conflicting adage and advice from children to adults. It is still so bittersweet though is it not? | |
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| To settle or not to settle?
Posted: 7/8/2009 12:15:57 PM | | What would be the point in settling when you are seeking bliss and happiness there is FWB for that | |
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