| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 12:57:07 AM | | I agree with the ladies above that said closure comes from within, unfortunately some of us have been in such situation where we wanted to know regardless of whether or not we can handle the truth, we just wanted the communication to continue...I've learned that when someone wants out, it’s over...all the excuses that come after it are just smoke screens. Even if you were given the truth, the mere thought that someone you loved can end it, is enough to walk away. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 1:02:11 AM | I think you hear closure when one is still too attached to walk away, and let things go without strong resentment, regret, or longing.
I don't like to leave things hanging, but find that non response is also a response oftentimes. M | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 5:54:18 AM | IMHO, demanding closure is a way to avoid the cutting pain of accepting that it is over. It is the fear of being in that dark, damp place where the soul churns out a new version of yourself - similar to the metamorphosis into batman. It is a soul's journey to accept the initiation of the rejected. It takes humility and fortitude and the shedding of the ego. When it's all over, your view of the world is totally turned upside down and you just start afresh.  (no bat icon here!) | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 8:08:40 AM | | OP yes walking away with your dignity and self respect intact is the best route to take when it's over. But some people need to know exactly what your perception of the problem with them is in order to accept what they have done wrong in a relationship so that they don't repeat the same mistakes again in the next one, that is why people are so clingy when it's over, they need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they can fix that part of themselves in order to have a better relationship with the next person and as such have closure. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 8:17:48 AM | | Unless someone is a complete jerk, I think it's just the right thing to do. If you're cruel enough to just dump someone out of the blue, they at least deserve the truth. Only cowards don't provide closure and only a wimp would let it end without demanding it. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 8:24:56 AM | | When a relationship is finished .. and you need closure that is about "self" it does not require the participation or imput of the other participant of that relationship.. closure is wonderful if two can participate in the end thru communication and resolution but if not .. then singular closure is necessary to move into the present and live emotionally in the current of now. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 8:36:45 AM | DivaGreen,
Smart input on closure.
Is the case for some. put to rest,for some.A need to know bares angue / letting go.Lesson learned.
BestLuv, | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 8:43:36 AM |
I thought once it was over, that was the closure. I've never wanted closure for any reason. It's over. 'Nuff said.
I agree!
Most people wanting closure are those that can't handle being rejected. They think the end of life has come but they are so caught up in the situation they fail to realize it could be the best thing that happened....To some it's their way of having a pity party.... | |
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rs64
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Joined: 5/28/2009
Msg: 34 | |
| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 8:45:51 AM | | I think it depends on how long you had dating each other. If I had only went out on 1-2 dates with a man, then a simple "we're not a match" email or text message is okay. But if I had dating a man for several months or years, then I would like to know why he is beaking up with me. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 8:56:52 AM |
But some people need to know exactly what your perception of the problem with them is in order to accept what they have done wrong in a relationship so that they don't repeat the same mistakes again in the next one, that is why people are so clingy when it's over, they need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they can fix that part of themselves in order to have a better relationship with the next person and as such have closure.
You cannot figure this out by reviewing your own behavior? Asking people that were witness to the relationship if you seemed unreasonable, b!tchy, yada yada? Most people can figure these things out for themselves and if there were things in that relationship that they could have improved, carry it on to the next.
Sometimes people just find out at the end of the day that they just don't love the person. To fail to provide yourself closure allows the other person to continue to have power over you that they shouldn't have, and it is a choice. You can take that need for closure into every relationship and continue to have unsuccessful liaisons because YOU do not want to get over it.
Would it be nice if it was wrapped up in a little package? Sure, but even if it is, does this do anything for you if you were a normal reasonable person and the other individual chooses to see you differently? You are as likely to get a complex as this so highly valued closure. Does knowing why someone did something change the hurt that it caused? You are better served just salving the hurt and moving on because you are never going to know what is or went on in someone's mind even if he/she tells you because they aren't going to tell you everything and they may not even know themselves.
This is no different than the person who pursues the career or the car thinking that that will finally make them happy. I will finally be happy if I figure out why X didn't want me, really? It boils down to creating your own self-worth instead of deriving it from what someone else thinks of you. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 9:00:26 AM | | I truly don't get where people think wanting closure at the end of a relationship can be construed as controlling and used as a reason to keep in contact with someone. It all depends on the nature of the relationship I suppose. If it's just a short time of dating, I can see it ending by someone saying "I just don't think we click" and that would be closure enough. If it's gone past the stage of "just casually dating", that's another story. I can't imagine being with someone exclusively for a long period of time and having them out of the blue saying "I don't want to be with you anymore" and not providing the reasons why. If you're comfortable with that and say that's all the closure you need, I'm thinking something's wrong with this picture. Closure would be asking for the reasons and getting them. Constantly contacting the person after having received those reasons would then, yes, be considered wanting to stay in contact and not allowing yourself to know when to quit. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 9:22:22 AM | I have always disliked euphamisms.
I think "closure" as a concept has validity when it is used as a process of accepting that which cannot be changed, but the word itself is psyco-babble and is often used in the context of "Tell me why, " that, to me it's a form of "mommy. make it better," rather than facing events like an adult.
That said, in the context of ending a relationship, if a person was important in m life, for whatever period, it's kinder and , agan, more adult to give a reason why I broke it off so the person doesn't have the pain of wondering what happened as well as experiencing the loss.
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 9:22:24 AM | | Closure give a certain kind of person the ability to finally let go. They do not permit themselves to move past hurt without it. Fortunatly most of us grow up and move on without it. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 9:24:54 AM | When I was younger I once pursued closure because I heard it was the thing to do. Once I got it, I realized I didn't learn anything new or feel any different. So I decided I didn't really need it after all.
It's about as useless as doing SO or ex drive-bys (does anyone do that anymore?). | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 1:38:05 PM |
I can't imagine being with someone exclusively for a long period of time and having them out of the blue saying "I don't want to be with you anymore" and not providing the reasons why. If you're comfortable with that and say that's all the closure you need, I'm thinking something's wrong with this picture. Closure would be asking for the reasons and getting them. Constantly contacting the person after having received those reasons would then, yes, be considered wanting to stay in contact and not allowing yourself to know when to quit.
Fair enough and logical chameleon but what if I don't want to be with you anymore is all you ever get?
Closure is okay when it is a nice thing that you want, it becomes a problem when you need it. It becomes a problem when you are given a reason, and that is not enough because YOU perceive it as illogical or whatever. It is a problem when you need it and don't get it or when you get the reason and you are not suddenly transformed by that information.
Why is one not transformed? The reasons why someone is a weiner change nothing, they are still a weiner and you have been weined. Is it going to make it hurt less to know he/she had logical reasons or that they had reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with you? Guess what, you still have no control over the person or to change the situation.
Sometimes that closure only makes you more nuts because rather than just seeing him as a douche, he is now, if he strung you along intentionally and used you, for example, an evil douche and there is now a higher level of suspicion with which you might approach men in the future.
Someone who treats you badly whether that is silence or terribly mean in breaking up, is that the person you fell for? The person you fell for is either gone or never existed and you should be gone too. Off to a weinerless life. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 2:01:43 PM | what if I don't want to be with you anymore is all you ever get?
That enough, that says it all.I dont want you, I dont want to be with you.Do you really want to know why.That is the real reason.We are no longer beloved or wanted by this person.Thats the utterly painful truth, that is willfully avoided and denied.Why dress it up.
We may love someone, but we do not own them.They may stay with us or leave.We cant control the choices of others, however much we love them.Its the instinctive knowledge of this lack of control, that panics people, makes them become obsessive and clingy.The knowledge that only a persons own will, keeps them with you.Nothing is certain, there is no control.
We must walk away, what closure can we get.It is obvious the person has outgrown us, fallen out of love and is finished with us.
The most effective closure, we can get is the one, we will find in the mirror.What have we learned from the relationship.Its best to assume in this life that most things are our own doing.The blame game with its bitterness and self pity serves nothing.We can moon after closure or we can take control of our lives.
We can give away our power to someone who has spurned us or we can move on a wiser person.I am for moving on.Life is about choices, the best closure lies in wise , self empowering choices.
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 2:10:28 PM | I see your point as well packagedeal when you state there are those who are given a reason(s) and they still persist. But I dunno, after being with my ex for 35 years start to finish and he suddenly came at me and said "I just don't want to be with you anymore," I can't see that I'd be about to say, "OK, fine, see ya. I don't need to know why." I do know that when I did split with my ex that we both gave our reasons for why it should be over. I also know that we learned (or should have learned) what not to do and what to do in our next relationships because of it.
Of course, as you say, there are going to be those weiners who, no matter what explanations they are given, just aren't going to be enough, but that's a whole other can of worms and is likely a part of their personality that drove the person away from them in the first place and likewise for the person who all they will offer up is the repetitive, "I just don't want to be with you anymore" statement. I suppose I didn't relate to it because that's not my experience, even though it's been the case for others. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 2:15:28 PM | Subjecting yourself to the "closure" mantra is flailing yourself some more.
When it is done, it is done. Walk away.
Dignity and self-respect is a far better exit than hashing it out.
Then go on living. Live your life the best you can do with your head held high...and smile!
Nothing says it louder than when you are doing well and radiate happiness....post break-up.
That is empowering. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 2:48:04 PM | | If a man tells me he doesn't want to see me anymore, what more closure do I need? End of story, no contact. Hey, I got my pride! | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 3:15:55 PM | Most complex questions can have the most simplest answers: yes or no.
To demand 'closure' is a rejection of reality. At the very least, difficulty to undertand which part of the 'no' may lack of spelling problem. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 3:17:18 PM | | I've gotta agree with Divagreen. To me closure is not about what went wrong, but being able to encounter the ex without raising my blood pressure. Closure is the tacit agreement between the two parties that they are putting behind all the problems they had while trying to live together since they are no longer roommates. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 3:34:30 PM |
To me closure is not about what went wrong, but being able to encounter the ex without raising my blood pressure.
Which is again a choice. Do we not do this with friends? I have had fallings out with friends that because we live in the same neighborhood, have children in the same schools or whatever, there is contact. Pretty easy to choose to wish someone well and mean it. Isn't it only weird when they have hurt you so badly you see them differently than the other people you don't see every day?
If I ran into a friend who ended things very badly with me 20 years ago, it might be uncomfortable but if it is, it would be uncomfortable because she might not be particularly proud today of the choices she made. Exiting from my life truly simplified it because she was no longer in it causing a bunch of crap. If you view someone as doing you a favor rather than hurting you, the discomfort comes in where?
I also don't think most things come out of the blue. You may have a problem with the way someone deals with ending it but generally, things aren't moving along swimmingly and someone just ups and walks away. After 20 years it would be a real kick in the teeth but you pretty much have to go back to the attitude that you don't want them so the source of their idiocy is going to make it easier that they threw 20 years away?
It's not like I haven't wanted reasons in the past but after a certain point I figured out that the reasons don't change anything so what value are they? Aren't you looking for the person to really say they did care about you yada, yada? If their feelings weren't genuine, for example, yours were, and they were based on what you knew at the time so it doesn't cheapen what you previously enjoyed unless you let it. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 4:12:55 PM |
Closure is the tacit agreement between the two parties that they are putting behind all the problems they had while trying to live together since they are no longer roommates.
Funny and oh, so true...
I notice that there are a lot of different ideas about what constitutes as closure.
In my last three relationships, (obviously not the one I am in, who is most dear and closest to my heart), I was asked if we could have closure. I guess it was something that they needed, months after the break-up.
First one- He needed to apologize.
Lesson learned-I have it within me to forgive the unforgivable. It took place eight months after the break-up.
Second one- He wanted to know why. I replied we do not need to get into a recipe as to why the relationship failed. (In my head I am thinking, shouldn't it be obvious? But while it was obvious to me, it wasn't to him.) I have attempted to give him closure for the past year and a half, which has resulted in, every three months, I get very lengthy voicemails. I discerned a while ago that I thought I was giving him closure, I was actually giving him I was giving him hope.
Lesson learned-I can be such a slow learner sometimes...
 ...at myself...
Third one-I attempted to give closure, only I got called a bunch of expletives.
Lesson learned-With the help of my beloved, I don't have to put up with such crap.
The idea being behind closure, as I see it, is to say what was left unsaid, to take responsibility for my part while allowing them to take responsibility for theirs and move on. Does this always happens? Heck no. But I have hope. I also believe that closure is best experienced after several months (or in some case, years).
Some things can only be worked out with another human being. There is a difference between needing answers as to why, and wanting to close a chapter and move on. There is a difference between demanding and asking. There is a difference between truly letting go, and referring to your ex in derogatory terms.
And I shall invoke the POF perfectly polished, pristine quality that we all embody...it comes down to preference. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 5:06:29 PM | | If someone doesn't want to be with me anymore, that's closure enough for me. I'm not into flogging a dead horse. Walking away with dignity is my preferred way of dealing with it. Besides, isn't living well the best revenge? | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 5:43:46 PM | | Depending on the situation . The person is owed the courteousy of complete answers to why ,what ,when and maybe where. Just answer them and move on. In case of selectively avoiding date or stepping up the relationship or just plain moving on with out telling the person then that is a problem and answers are owed.In stead of avoiding telling the person you only want benefits not relationship or look I want somebody else or I'm shipping out they just leave that is simply wrong. Face the person then move on . Don't be a coward. Funny how so many of the ones doing that is in uniform. No wonder they come home to find partner moved on.Selective failure to communicate properly and think its ok to cheat .If you did not make it clear it is still cheating!Yes an explanation is owed then walk away. But you know what it is fun to torture the crap out of them when they know they have been busted! You deserve the right to some few minutes of interrogating. Then have the good sense to tell them off and stay the heck out of their presence. Leave them alone .Users deserve to know you have the last word.They always want to be friends and sorry but never are.Forgive me they say. LOL! Simply detach before you play! If not the other person deserves answers and shouldnt have to beg for them.Folks that is signs of a coward and cheater if they cant face you. You dont need that person in your life. | |
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