| Walking away versus closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 7:11:43 PM | It almost kills me to also agree with Humpty but I do -- walking out without a word of some kind after 6 months would be prettttty cold.
Apt or not, Oprah-babble or not, I'm glad for the word "closure" to describe my wish to mark in my mind when something began, or ended pointlessly, or ended so that something else could begin. I think it's part of why so many of us keep our rituals of funerals, bachelorette parties & the like. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 7:22:34 PM |
" I do know that when I did split with my ex that we both gave our reasons for why it should be over. I also know that we learned (or should have learned) what not to do and what to do in our next relationships because of it.
Really what you learned was what not to do if you got back into the relationship with your ex, because unless you seek a copy of your ex and that relationship, it's not going to be the same and what didn't work may very well work with someone else. I can see where you could learn something helpful but unless you want to change or can change, the learning probably isn't going to be all that helpful and in many cases could damage your self-esteem. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/17/2009 7:45:21 PM | I understand why some people need answers as to why a relationship ended...
as for me...the bottom line is it wasn't happening and I no longer am invested in the others opinion of me....and I don't need to hear why they decided I wasn't good enough for them...that would hurt right?
That doesn't mean I don't review it all in my own head though....and rehash it with my friends...I let them tell me all of those crazy rationalizations from the movie He Is Just Not That Into You . In the end...he wasn't that into me.. Many times I have had an inkling that something isn't quite right....but have overlooked that out of optimism...or because I really liked him...
Still I continue to look for love- go figure!
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/19/2009 8:22:31 AM | obviously not the one I am in, who is most dear and closest to my heart
Who is this man!!!?!?
Why I'll moida em'!!!!
Oh wait, it's totally me! 
__________________________________
In regards to the closure.....
There is not one person on this site, who is so devoid of simple human traits, that if they were in a long term relationship, and loved the person, and said person randomly walked out on them, would not be curious as to why.
There is a fine line between curiosity/needing closure, and needing to still communicate with someone with that desperate hope of rekindling the fire.
It's a delicate strand, but their is a line.
Learn it. Know it.
But before you can even attempt, one would first need to know ones self, to further differentiate between whether you are unknowingly to yourself, seeking to rekindle the flame, whilst in denial, or if you are simply curious. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/19/2009 9:56:44 AM | | Of course the smartest thing would be to "walk away with your head held high" but, depending on your support network and what else is going on in your life, this can hit some people harder. I think it's a lot easier to walk away with your head held high if you've acted with dignity and cannot reproach yourself for your actions in the relationship but it's easier if other areas of your life are working out. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/19/2009 10:38:26 AM |
In regards to the closure.....
There is not one person on this site, who is so devoid of simple human traits, that if they were in a long term relationship, and loved the person, and said person randomly walked out on them, would not be curious as to why.
 OMG...I can't believe I'm saying this but I agree with apainlessend 100% for a change. As I said, if someone came to you and said they didn't want to be with you, especially after many years, how many of those high head holders who state they walk away without a curiousity as to why actually do just that? It sounds good in black and white when you're wanting to espouse what a strong individual you are (after the fact). I'd want some proof from you that's what occurred in all or any of your break ups but I'm somehow doubting I'd get it. At the very least, I'm sure those who state they don't ask a question at all would have asked, "Is there someone else?" It has nothing at all to do with wanting to rekindle anything. To go on and on asking months down the road, as some have said, and constantly contacting the individual, yes, that's the extreme and likely does have something to do with wanting to still be with the person and amounts to stalking, but the fact that so many say that just walking away with no questions is good enough for them, I call B.S. If that's the case, stop telling people who are in the situation to go to counselling where one of the parties has said they want a divorce - tell them to just accept it, hold their head high with all that self-esteem intact and walk away without asking a question. You can still walk away and at the same time have answers, even if you likely have some idea what some of those answers may be, aka closure. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/19/2009 11:44:05 AM | People need closure. But demanding answers doesn't really give them that.
They would be better off giving themselves closure than demanding it from someone else, or they are going to keep coming up shortchanged.
For example, "I can accept that I will never really understand what his/her motivations or desires were, but since they obviously don't want me, or treated me that way, I have no need to look back and even try to understand. It's just over, and I wouldn't go back to that"
When you can get to that point, you feel closure. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/22/2009 10:32:00 AM | Reality,
I am in agreement with you. An honest answer should end closure,in relationships,but we TEND, to halt all signs of heading in wrong direction. Forgot to wake up and smell the coffee ,so to speak,Should have seen it coming?Too many un-answered questions,Didn't smell the rat,Action speakes louder than words.Unspoken words lurks the answer. CONTROL/Something to hide/Selfish Reasons. Too good to be true,etc.
MiMa, | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/22/2009 10:41:48 AM | yes it is and no its not. it is a way of keeping the lines open to a point. Some people can just walk away and say its over with no answers which is a form of cruel and unusual punishment. the fact is answers should be given because closure is a good thing. because sotimes its you have habits someone dosent like that have ended the realtionship. somtimes one person thinks they are ready for a realtionship and then find they are not. sometimes the spark just dies. somtimes the stresss of outside things kill a realtionship. somtimes its someone else.
there are multitude of reasons why realtionships end and people walk away. but if you had at truly one time cared about that person you should tell them why the realtionship is over and put finality to it. not giving answers give false hope there is a chance down the road becasue hey they may not talk now but in a few days or weeks or months, we can talk. putting finality to it stops all wonder and doubt. and closes that door. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/22/2009 11:36:04 AM | | I say suffer in silence. don't allow them to know that you care. They obviously don't care enough to give you a much deserved answer. Unless they see you've moved on, then they get all jealous and stalky. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/23/2009 5:59:29 PM | In my opinion the person who wants closure is not ready to walk away and most likely is blindsided by the ending of the relationship. The one leaving saw it coming and had all the time in the world to mentally prepare. I think its natural to want to re-examine the scenario if you did not see it coming, it would only be human.
I can understand your perception but what is "smart" may not have anything to do with the emotion.For example someone who smokes cigarettes may well be aware that its dangerous in the long term but how that cigarette makes them feel may be more important to them.
Walking away means snapping that connection, to someone who may not see the end coming this does not "feel" good so they will fight it. Even though it is "smart" to walk away because of the fact that an end is an end, the feelings evoked with that word or situation will not allow them to feel capable of doing so.
It is not detrimental to a person moving on if someone else can not let go, you will and can move on whether they hang around or not, it is your life.In fact its detrimental to the party that wont move on, while the person moving on is doing something new, the one who can not move on is still hanging on to that one thing/moment but again I feel its about making the distinction between what has happened and how you feel it about it. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/23/2009 6:14:13 PM | Walking away IS closure.
Walking away is a person making their own decision. People don't always have the tender, understanding discussions that fully explain why the relationship can't continue...it rarely happens.
Closure is deciding to do what you feel is best for you. Walking away means LEAVING it, not hanging on, not wanting to "be friends" as every experience I've ever known it's only to maintain "information" because they're still in the person's life in some form or another. For me, personally, the "let's go have a drink/lunch/dinner as friends" inevitably has involved, after the small talk niceties...ugh...to why did you break my heart...I don't understand....waaa....I loved you. Clean breaks, that's the best at least for me. I can't deal with clingy men.  | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/23/2009 6:23:31 PM | | There could be a lot of different things going on here. First say your SO just stopped calling, talking to you, wouldn't you kind of want to know what's up. For all you know they may be in the hospital because of an accident, do you just go; "they didn't call must be over." and then start dating someone else? Closure may just mean; "hey is this thing over or what?". After you've been told it's over, saying you want closure is totally different, and sometimes it's because you get blind sided by the break up. It's kind of like a deer in the headlights thing, you're just like; "What happened?". When you trip don't you look down to see what you tripped over? I think often saying; "I want closure", is just that kind of reaction, you know the What just happened? reaction. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/23/2009 6:33:44 PM | Hey southbabe...
Yup...closure is the final stage of grief....but, you know...I've got a grief statement and I think I'll pull it out and share it with you!
The grieving process is related to how long and strong the relationship was. I’ve been thinking a lot about grief lately, and have come up with this thought.
At first when the loss is fresh and new it’s like being in the surf, during a storm, with the waves of grief crashing all around you. Gradually, how ever severe the storm was, the waves of grief start to subside. But, there are still waves, and once in a while, one is large enough to crash over your head with grief. And this will continue to happen until you drag yourself up to the shore. Sometimes, when it’s sunny out, we go back into the surf of grief, and re-experience the wave washing over us and the lap of memories splash around us. Thank goodness, it’s not like the original storm.
Grief is an individual thing…some around me experienced what I call “pathological grief.” Or sick grief. It was and still is inappropriate grief. And that has kept some of the waves of grief crashing over my head. But, I keep struggling for the shore. And know that I’ll make it.
BTW SB...nice profile...I borrowed your love quote...thx
Irish | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/23/2009 7:25:16 PM | Here I was thinking closure was "we're over" ...
That I like to know.. People can use "I don't think we should see each other" or "it's me not you" whatever you want to say.. just end it and be done.... Some people don't provide other person closure, as they just disappear into the sunset.. which if you've gone for coffee once and didn't hit if off - understandable.. but if you have seen someone for more than a few months.. or that Love word has been hinted at.. You should also deserve some sort of closure... | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/23/2009 7:53:10 PM | I don't know. I think closure is a valid request. The one who seeks an explanation (or closure) is the "dumpee", never the "dumper". The dumper has already had time, before the announced departure, to sift things through, whereas the dumpee is often blindsided.
Lovers and partners who leave or injure a relationship without an apparent reason or verbal exit are cruel cowards. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/23/2009 10:03:37 PM | | In a perfect world we all get the closure we'd like, but life isn't a fair tale, regardless of what Julia Roberts says. Not all the loose ends will be neatly tied, and doors will sometimes be left slightly ajar. That's where self determination and character come into play. Ultimately we are responsible for our own feelings, for good or ill. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/24/2009 3:52:50 AM | People who have to have closure seem to want validation it was not their fault
and want to be stroked more than anything.
Whiney, what did I do wrong types.
Flip side.....
It is the clinging and demanding control freak coming out.
I must know!
When it's over and done, who really cares? | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/24/2009 6:35:37 AM |
Why is it when a relationship ends, one person keeps clinging and demanding answers, when the smartest response would be to just walk away with their head held as high as you can?
In my experience some people need the answers to those questions in order to be able to walk away. They want to know how their behavior may have contributed to the breakdown of the relationship so "they" can look at that behavior in "their" next relationship.
If you are the recipient of the question "why are we ending" what is the big deal in answering that question? We are all adults and the purpose, from my perspective, of being an adult is to learn how to be the best person we can be and that happens by responding in a mature fashion to others. I have no problem answering those questions as long as the person asking is willing to accept the answers and not badger me for more because they can not accept my perception of the issue.
I believe it is a lot more cruel to leave someone wondering why you left them then to just tell them why your not compatible with them.
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/24/2009 6:50:14 AM | I have yet to be in a relationship where upon it's end.. NO reason was given. I've always had a reason for ending a relationship and those who've broken up with me always had one.
I don't often give reasons as to why I'm not interested in someone who is interested in me, because generally, I feel like my actual reasons would likely come out as a slight of some kind, but ending a relationship is different.
If one is given a reason why so-and-so doesn't love you anymore and doesn't want to be with you anymore.. and you can't accept that (even if it sucks to do so), it's not "closure" crap you're after... it's a mean to stick in the person's life and mind. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/24/2009 7:11:44 AM |
Isn't demanding answers from the other part only a way to keep a line open to be in contact, even if it is detrimental to a person moving on, with lessons learned?
there are a couple of ways to look at closure
yes,..'demanding'....anything , really, is not about closure...it's just about hounding someone for selfish reasons, and, it may indeed be a way to attempt to keep a line open, usually never works.
To me though, if a person just 'poof's' and doesn't want to talk..and makes that clear...by action , or word, then, I'm not gonna press them.
On the other hand, often , behind every poof, there is a misunderstanding....that's all.
and, if the person is willing to talk...you know, sometimes I just want to know...for me...what is it that was said, or done, that caused such a sudden and severe break, when we were just talkin' the day before.?
If we talk about wanting to advance our skills at communication and learning, and intimacy, then just deciding to make someone 'disappear', as if all of your talks or time meant nothing....just seems like two giant steps backwards.
Mostly though, I have found that there is 'always' something more behind anyone who just shuts the door in your face.
I'm also very aware that it's not my job to hound someone , or figure out their stuff...especially if it's rude stuff.
But, everybody has different skillz, ya know?
Some are skillfull at just walkin' away
others are more skillfull at communicating about what set them off.
happy Wednesday folks
Kimbo | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/24/2009 7:21:45 AM | I agree with Keiper.
If a long term relationship breaks up and there has been a lot of emotional investment, in order to heal and move on one would certainly at least need to know what went wrong. I don't see that as trying to hang on to a person or being needy.
Short term - cut your losses and move on.
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/24/2009 7:32:24 AM | | Okay, it may be a valid point to say that someone 'NEEDS' validation, or that the 'WHY' answer will only help them to be a better person in their next relationship, but consider this: sometimes the the behaviour that precipitated the break-up can, metaphorically speaking, obliterate any possible answer. Once again, we go about our adult lives, we try to be good people and be responsible for our actions, however, in the end we are still responsible for how we feel and handle our emotional baggage. Are we our brothers and sisters keeper? Beats the hell out of me, but what's the 'big deal' about dragging out the other persons pain as well as our own? We ALL have to seek and find solace as best we can. Is it more cruel to leave someone wondering why? I think it's ultimately more so to leave them with the notion that others will fix them when they should fix themselves - life hurts sometimes. And again, that 'closing of the door' scenario seldom ends with the closing of the door. I'm just saying.... | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/24/2009 8:04:14 AM | Personally, I think it's just the decent thing to do ... give a person a reason why you are leaving them. Even a little note would do ... just don't leave a person hanging ... wondering ...
Just my opinion, but I think it's a cowardly way out to not give the person at least a brief explanation.
Unanswered questions burn in some people's minds, and makes it harder to "get over". | |
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