| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/24/2009 8:23:28 AM | | Once again - you can tell someone why it's over and still they want to keep rehashing it over and over. For the sake of proper etiquette, exactly how many times and languages does one need to tell the other that it's no longer working because "________" and I've got to leave. Life Is Hard and seldom full of easy answers...or answers of any kind, other than the one the other person wants to hear that she/he can fit into their already made up theory of why is wasn't their fault. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/24/2009 8:40:24 AM | | You are so right. When something is over, it's OVER, and "closure" is NOT going to make anyone feel better, though they think it will. "Answers" are not going to be the magic balm that eases the pain...If anything it might make things worse. Walking way is SO much smarter. Let "walking away" BE your closure and be done with it! | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/24/2009 8:40:39 AM | to the statement someone made...
"There is not one person alive who would not wonder why it went the way it did."....(or something to that effect}
...I believe that's true....unless, we are made of steel parts , plastic, or robotic connections.
Where this thread can get off track real quick is here.....so let's be careful, K?
It's about closure (hate that term, by the way }.....and we gotta be careful not to confuse that with 'rehashing'. They are separate things.
As Caroline Myss states very clearly....it's your choice...your free choice as to how long it takes to get this so- called closure. You can have it...and get it...for yourself....in 30 seconds, or 30 days, or 30 years....it's up to you
I still would opt to go with 'some' communication, but I'm aware that not everybody understands what that means.
and, that's ok.
Kimbo. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/24/2009 8:48:07 AM |
Myss states very clearly....it's your choice...your free choice as to how long it takes to get this so- called closure. You can have it...and get it...for yourself....in 30 seconds, or 30 days, or 30 years....it's up to you
nah I'd say in relationships that continue by need closure from collateral damages that there may be a lifetime of mending to do when someone scr-ews with the sanctity and preciousness of what used to be .. infidility has no quick fix.. it is a journey of pain and recognition that needs the participation of two minds healing.... closure is only a journey for the intuitive and the mature mind.. if you cannot see what is created then you are destined to recreate.
Responsible people with empathetic minds of intuition.. sometimes believe that all should be accountable and nope .. you cannot alter what is not alterable.. if you need closure it is a singular process.. if someone cannot see their position no amount of communication will make that transparent.. so dysfunction and disillusion stay in an unhealed mind.. someone past this has already altered the course of action in the way they partake of the life they choose to alter .. their own. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/24/2009 9:13:22 AM | Roque Saint ...
But, for some of us who need a reason ... or some brief explanation of why we are getting dumped, .... there is no need for "rehashing" at all. It only has to be said once. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/24/2009 9:13:28 AM | Interesting about this closure stuff. My ex just broke up with his girlfriend of six years on Sunday. He had been over to her place the night before and BBQ'd for her relatives and all seemed fine. He received the phone call the next morning. Although she was too chicken to face him, she did at least provide her reasons why (not wanting to live with her, marry her or move across country to her home province). All these things had been discussed before - she knew his position and he knew hers. Even so, she did have the maturity to reiterate that these were the reasons and that it was "time" for her to move on because she wanted the "more" that he wasn't willing to provide. Had she just been with him the night before and said I don't want to see you anymore, it would have seemed out of the blue, even though it really wasn't; however, the status quo had been played out for so long that it seemed the situation was more than tolerable. She had some sort of epiphany that time was awasting and at least provided confirmation of her reasons, even though they both knew all along that it likely wouldn't work. He's obviously still in pain from the break-up, but the confirmation of the reasons gives him the closure. He will not reseak further confirmation.
It's much like if a person dies. You rarely hear of someone dying without the questions of the circumstances being brought up, even if you knew the person was dying for months. You don't just hear the news that someone died or is dying and say "ok, fine" and then walk away. The end of a relationship of any significance is a grieving process, much the same as experienced with death - it's the death of a relationship. Again, casually dating someone is one thing and doesn't require the same type of closure as one of long-standing. Perhaps that's where the different opinions are coming from. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/24/2009 11:12:35 AM | Chame....I totally disagree with you...just kidding...I'm remembering all those posts I've read from women who's husbands/boy friends just up and left...no notice...no nothing...and how these poor women wonder wtf. It reminded me of our situation here...why did disease strike us?
So, my dear....you see why I have to believe in some higher power...it helps me with closure....otherwise everything is random and out of control...sigh...
Everyone deserves some sort of closure...even if they have to make one some excuse to find closure. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/24/2009 12:29:02 PM | Annonimiss,
Would that it be true, but life is almost never that simple. This is where the stalkers come in - THEY can't take 'goodbye' or any reasoning that goes along with it. But then we never know who is going to be a stalker until a boiled rabbit shows up in a pot on the stove. Right, I'm over-dramatizing there a bit, but the point still stands: for some individuals, a conversation, reason, nor falling upon your sword for their amusement will EVER be enough for them. We may try to close a relationship and still retain the best parts of that and be friends - I do - but sometimes the magic works and sometimes it doesn't. I'll agree that a reason and/or explanation is the best course, but we've all met those individuals for whom it is not and never will be. THAT'S when we have little choice but to cut your loses and walk away. I'm not insensitive about this issue - I've been on both ends of that chopping block, and yes, sometimes I do wonder 'why' about a long gone relationship. But as stated so eloquently before, when we begin to heal, and how long it takes to heal is entirely up to the one who feels they've been left with the dirty end of the stick. What's the old song, 'Cruel to be Kind.' | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/27/2009 5:42:20 PM | | I feel that closure is an important part of ending a relationship. It helps you to come to terms with ending it and putting all the what if's to an end. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/27/2009 6:51:17 PM | I think "closure" and the cry for it, is also a plea for respect of one person or the other.
Generally in relationships where there is respect for each other - closure isn't needed. It happens.
Only in relationships which are unhealthy and unbalanced during the relationship do you see or hear of people feeling victimized by another person's unwillingness to give them closure.
When I hear this I study very carefully the terms within that statement.
One person expecting, looking for, or requiring another to "GIVE" you something emotionally that you need/require in order to live or move on?
It's rare that I feel it's a good idea to give someone this much control or power over how I FEEL emotionally. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/27/2009 6:54:32 PM | | I feel if two people were committed and in a loving relationship, they should do whatever it takes to get closure for each other... everyone needs that in order to move forward. If its forgiveness or just saying goodbye in a peaceful manner, I think a couple should respect that of each other...its not always possible, but, if everyones mature and logical, it can happen. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/27/2009 8:01:27 PM | | Maturity (at any age) brings an understanding that we can't force people into any kind of behavior, including giving us explanations that are supposed to make us feel better. If the other party is inclined to have some sort of closure it will happen naturally. If they don't, it's far better to leave any questions unanswered and get on with your life. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/27/2009 9:18:11 PM | | Therein lies the crux. There are those who are mature enough to know that closure is a good thing; those who deny it by not being strong enough to provide it and need to hide from it because of that weakness; and those who will provide it to those who are willing to acknowledge they have been provided it and move on. Those who are mature will understand the differences and act accordingly and not just say the end is the end and that's all that's required. Too bad too many people are left hanging and too bad too many people are too weak or to cold to know the differences. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/27/2009 10:19:05 PM | | oh i definitely prefer closure..mainly when i have had something serious with someone. For me its just a way of knowing where i stand and what really happened and to overall have a peace of mind. that's all | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:24:09 AM | Closure comes from within not without. You close the door yourself and begin to heal.
I couldn't have said it better than Margo, for me the end of a relationship is closure.
People only talk about problems in a relationship when there is hope of staying together or an investment in the relationship, time, children or finances. When one person wants to end a relationship often that person has already had time to consider the alternatives and had their closure. | |
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| Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/28/2009 2:10:39 AM | | I have been keeping up on what everyone has been posting, and have to say I am impressed by the views. The different age groups, sexes, ideas and opinions involved. I know for me that my view of "closure" has changed over the years as I gained maturity and insite. At least I hope I have gained both. Thanks everyone for participating. | |
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