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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/19/2009 8:32:47 AM | Molly girl think of it this way. Those of us still single at this age dont hang out as often with the happily ever after types. I know lots of couples still as much in love after fifty years as they were as kids. it happens. its just a question of whether you want it bad enough to overcome the problems (show me a marriage without problems and I will show you a divorce) you just have to be true to you and keep trying. loves out there, its unfailing as the seasons. its just a lot tougher to find these days.  | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/19/2009 6:15:33 PM | Nice topic, parrothead!
1: How do you know when its time to say goodbye?
When they lower his casket into the ground.
When you look in the mirror and don't even know who you are anymore, or what you want, because your life has begun to resemble Pluto (a body in his orbit, but not even deserving of the term "planet".)
When you realize you still love him, but you aren't sure you like him anymore. Or you aren't sure you like yourself when you are with him.
Basically, sometimes they are taken away from you. And sometimes, it's time to take yourself away, because the relationship isn't doing anybody any good.
2: How do you personally deal with it when you're "the left"?
It's a lot of freaking hard work, some trial and error, a GINORMOUS amount of grace, layered with lots of forgiveness. Lots of forgiveness. Lots of reading. Lots of talking. Lots of crying. Lots and lots of soul searching. Lots of learning. Then you start at the beginning again: lots of grace, layered with . . .
when your "the leaver"?
Before you leave? See #2 above. After you leave? Relief. The hardest part is over. Regret, because you miss him (but not too much). See #2 above.
3: What do you do to "start again" using what you learned in the just ended relationship without allowing it to ruin a potential new one?
See #2 above. | |
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Posted: 6/19/2009 6:19:47 PM | | I really hate it when people are so stupid that they can't tell the difference between "their" they're" and " there". But, whatever, I could give a sh*t about her. When I'm bored I tell her to f*ck off and don't worry about it. | |
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Posted: 6/19/2009 6:24:52 PM | The time to say goodbye is when the relationship drains you (emotionally, physically, spiritually; & financially). When there is no joy left. When your gut tells you to get the hell out.
As far as dealing, you just DEAL WITH IT! When you are ready to get back in the pond again, it's one foot in front of the other. | |
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Posted: 6/19/2009 7:03:53 PM | He said, " I love you, Carrie !!!"
I said, "I love you too, J."
He said, "I don't love you, Carrie."
I said, "I can't see you any longer, J."
He said, "Then return the gift that I gave you."
I said, "I will when I no longer love you."
.......... | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/19/2009 7:28:28 PM | m7arpeggio said he hates it when people can't tell the difference between "their," "they're" and "there" ...
when I was a child, I wanted to be an English teacher ... then ... when I was doing student teaching at Pierce College ... I realized that VERY FEW people give a crap about these differences ... they're intent on conveying an idea and really don't CARE about these details!
I immediately changed career goals ... I gave up photography for the same sorts of reasons ...
totally off topic!
thanks for getting it, Mr. ParrotHead!  | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 6/20/2009 7:44:05 AM | It's time to say goodbye when something is missing in the relationship and the two of you cannot communicate constructively enough to make a lasting change. Is the thing missing in that case lack of real love? Maybe. If two people are meant to be together, they could probably learn to communicate in some way to keep the relationship alive.
The one left: Cry a lot, wallow for a couple of days, then start trying to rebuild yourself. Get back out there, either dating again or by joining a group for support and sharing common interests.
The one leaving: Same as above. But only cry and wallow if you had to leave for a reason, but still actually love the person. If you left for a reason and the reason was that you couldn't stand the sight of the person any longer - throw a party!!!
To move on requires introspection, self-improvement in the areas you feel you failed in and approaching the next relationship with the knowledge that you know what you want from it and won't let it continue another day if you see a pattern of behavior that made you end the other relationships you were in. Don't waste either your or the other person's precious time. Life is too long (ha - you thought I was going to say short!) when enduring constant broken heartedness or staying with the wrong person. | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 9:48:42 PM | 1. When you see red flags. When you dont care if they call. When it is not an issue of you change plans, time to move on.
2. When I am the left, i clean house and phone and think about the why. I will never get that answer from the past. I journal and reread it to see where I went wrong.
Live and learn and move on.
When I am the lever. I do most of the above. I realized the red flags were there and thank myself for seeing them. Then I spent quiality time with me and move on.
3. Journaling all the time helps me in any realtionship. I am an only child and it allows me to vent and no one gets hurt. I learn from this expereince. Howerve sometimes I cannot change things I do that are me. So finding someone that loves me for me will be a tough job. Unconditional love is just that.  | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 7/16/2009 11:51:51 AM | as you know OP, i just stopped "dating" someone i have been seeing for the past few months. i decided we needed to talk, in light of what i was observing and experiencing. i did not believe he was ready, although he really would have liked to be. we each are at a crossroads, but he still needs to transition from a death, move, et al.
not sure it is a goodbye. we are still good friends, belong to some of the same groups, and are there for one another as we started out to be in the first place. nonetheless the boundaries are now back in place. i care about him a good deal and vice versa, in that i hope he feels better over time. both very different from one another, we still feel a bit of "wistful", but both also a bit relieved. in between talking to him, i talk to my ex SO of three years. ours was a bit more stormy, but he too is not willing (or perhaps able) to transition or grow past where he is at--which is and probably always will be "alone". yet, we both care.
oddly, i do not keep in touch with my two ex's. just one of their wives and only my second, if the kids are involved. i think my last two relationships, one long and this last one short lived, were nipped in the bud, before any more damage or resentments could occur. my three year ex SO has a lot of very charming aspects to his personality, alongside some very deep seated rage and anger. it's a lot better dealing with that, via a large emotional boundary. both ended with knots or digust. one took me five years to get over, and the other was over way before it ended.
during all my relationships, i have learned that they are in nature and much like seasons. some are only for one season and some can last until one dies. for me, i'd like to explore what is left of that last option. others have different climate preferences.
if you can't grow within a relationship and/or grow the relationship, then it is time to move on. life should not be about stagnation and resistance. well put by one of the men in my life: he knows about faith, but he only feels fear. i have faith and for me, what squeezes out the fear is love. still, one has to love "self" first. not many people do, until they face their own "inventories" and stop taking everyone else's!
it's hard to let go of a relationship w/o malice or pain. i think it's important to remain conscious at all times when in one, so as not to build up denial or hostilities and be willing to accept when it is not going to work, nor can you "make it". yet, also know when a little bit of work will move it right along. takes a bit of experience and saavy and also the ability to "truly" love. | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 7/17/2009 2:03:11 PM | 1. i'm not so good actually at "goodbye." more aim for a change in the relationship that suits both. when i have said goodbye it's often not been permanent. can still appreciate those things i liked and respected about most people, so... in most cases, believe people can change, myself included. friends with most of my former folks.
2a. i have rarely been left. again, relationships change into something else for the most part. sometimes people drift apart, but that can be a natural differing of directions, and again, can come back together later if the drift is on good terms. this has happened so often can't count on two hands.
when it's not on good terms, much pain, cry, cry, move on.
2b. i have rarely been the leaver. pls see above.
3. what to do to start again, without bringing along the old horrors--
this is a big question for me right now. i'm a total mess with terrible energy that i don't want to visit on others. the one big exception to the answers above is my exhusband. messy, awful, damaging, draining etc.
so to start again-- therapy, for one, serious bigtime therapy. second, asking questions, learning very much from the wisdom of the forums here with gratitude. third, tons of hard work on facing issues and processing them. at the same time, trying to rebuild-- one little piled up piece of paper at a time, one tidier corner of living at a time, one transformation of where energy is spent at a time. working on relationships and trying to work on health and all that related stuff.
i really believe that in order to engage honestly with other people, in a healthy way, one needs to have a strong and clear sense of oneself, how you're feeling at the moment, and why, so it's possible to do something about it if it's not positive. then the good energy you're emanating comes from a solid and open place, and everything gets better.
JM long and winding opinion...
peace to all.... | |
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Posted: 7/17/2009 2:44:15 PM | .
1: How do you know when its time to say goodbye?
When they lower his casket into the ground.
When you look in the mirror and don't even know who you are anymore, or what you want, because your life has begun to resemble Pluto (a body in his orbit, but not even deserving of the term "planet".)
When you realize you still love him, but you aren't sure you like him anymore. Or you aren't sure you like yourself when you are with him.
Unfortunately for me, all of the above, but after 25 years, I still can't leave. So I guess the casket part will be when.
In my first marriage it was much easier.
When he bagan making me wish I didn't have to come home from work. He quit his job the day we got married. Fokking gold digger.
When I found myself pumping iron at the gym to burn off my agressions so i didn't shoot his azz.
When he tried to rape me in my sleep to get me pregnant so I wouldn't leave his worthless azz.
Well, the best one can do is soldier on, any life is better than the alternative. If you can find joy in your life and peace in your soul, eventually you will come to a place where you can find happiness. (I hope...for me and you.)
Namaste,
Ginny | |
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Posted: 7/17/2009 3:05:12 PM |
How do you know when its time to say goodbye?
When the pain it takes to hang on is far greater than the pain to let go. | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 7/17/2009 3:47:30 PM | Hi I am Ginny msg 36 said:
When you look in the mirror and don't even know who you are anymore, or what you want, because your life has begun to resemble Pluto (a body in his orbit, but not even deserving of the term "planet".)
When you realize you still love him, but you aren't sure you like him anymore. Or you aren't sure you like yourself when you are with him.
Unfortunately for me, all of the above, but after 25 years, I still can't leave.
Hi I am Ginny: you didn't ask for advice, so i won't offer any-- just want to say i've been there, i empathize, and send warm good wishes that something will change-- something good that opens the right door for you.
peace... | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 7/17/2009 4:03:52 PM | 1. Whenever I quit respecting him
2. Thought I knew everything
3. I did the tick for tat
I won't bring up what he did doesn't matter. My behavior is what told me it was time to let this man go and to move on.
What I did to start moving on. I went to counseling and sought out other help besides that. I quit dating for a year. I was hurt and angry at him at myself and I still loved him or what I call love at that time. I made changes. Sought supportive friends. Waited a year and now here I am at it again. Today I am a healthier person. Thank God that Man was put into my life or I would have never knew who the problem was. I would of kept blaming everyone else but myself forever if it wasn't for him. Today I seek out healthier people that includes friendships. Today I take my time. If something doesn't work out I now know that neither one of us is wrong for feeling that way it is just wrong. I don't need to blame someone fro not liking me nor feel guilty for not liking them. So I no longer put pressure on myself whenever it comes to dating. But if something is off and I don't feel right about that person I don't even question why I just let it go....I don't always need to know all the answers.... | |
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Posted: 7/17/2009 4:15:15 PM | When to say goodbye?
When you spend more time worrying about keeping the relationship, than you do enjoying it.
just a thought | |
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Posted: 7/17/2009 4:35:58 PM | blueyesrsmiling typed...
"Today I seek out healthier people that includes friendships. Today I take my time. If something doesn't work out I now know that neither one of us is wrong for feeling that way it is just wrong. I don't need to blame someone fro not liking me nor feel guilty for not liking them. So I no longer put pressure on myself whenever it comes to dating. But if something is off and I don't feel right about that person I don't even question why I just let it go....I don't always need to know all the answers.... "
I think you have excellent insight. Your first sentence (above) is important. It's something that I think is easy to miss...seeking out healthier people in our friendships, not just our dating friendships. We can have very unhealthy people as friends who continually drag us down with extreme negativity or by creating excessive drama for themselves and then involve us. I've learned to slowly let go of those friends who are only takers and don't give back to our friendship. I have a couple of friends who only judge my worthiness on what I can/will/have done for them. If I don't meet their expectation of what they think I should be doing for them, they will tell me how uncaring/bad/insensitive I am. Unfortunately, that type of thing does make an impression. I'm still friends with the people, but at a distance now.
Whenever a dating situation doesn't work out, I really try not to blame. It always seems it's because the man and I have different preferences or different priorities that just clash. It's not because either of us is bad or wrong, it just happens. I always tell the person I hope they find someone who takes their breath away, and I truly mean it. Everyone deserves to find long-lasting happiness.
Great response to the questions, blueyes... :) | |
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Posted: 7/17/2009 4:54:58 PM | 1. when something gloriously wonderful or absolutely abysmal happens, and I don't think to call him to share it. or if I spot his picture on the wall at the post office.
2. any living thing will die if you don't feed it. stay . . .away . . .from the phone (or computer). never drink and dial.
3. continue on with [ed. note: NOT "return to"] my life. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .and go fishin! :-) | |
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Posted: 7/17/2009 5:39:20 PM | 1: How do you know when it's time to say goodbye?
I am irritated by everything she does. It's not anger, as there I sense no intention on her part to irritate me or ire me or irk me. It's just that the stories start to repeat, the Saturday nights are always the same, sort of smelling of boredom. Some would call this stage the "comfort-zone stage", but if that's comfort, I would rather be sitting on pins and needles. I need change, constant challenge, entertainment and high intensity. I have had that, too, in several relationships, too. But I don't leave those.
2: How do you personally deal with it when you're the one left?
I drown my sorrow in songs... sad love songs. I have a favourite song for each woman that left me against my wishes. Two never got a song... I was not in love with either, but they were the two best physical lovers of all times, by far. I cried over them. The first one, for a good five years, I'd wake up in the night from crying in my sleep. For no other reason but mind-blowing sex.
when you're the leaver? I feel relieved. I feel incredible lightness. The reverse of falling in love, yet the sky is bluer when I leave one that I've fallen out of love with from to at near in.
3: What do you do to "start again" using what you learned in the just ended relationship without allowing it to ruin a potential new one
I wait. I don't jump into anything, and when I do, I make it sure everyone knows that. And interestingly it can happen so that everyone involved is comfortable with knowing that it's just a little relaxing in the shallow, warm pool, having gotten out of the long pool, with cold water, where I'd been doing long laps.
I wrote a little poem some time ago that can be applied to point two:
The Fire That Burns Inside
It is what gives us warmth
And makes tea water boil.
It is what makes light,
And lends us to carefree talk.
It is what crackles quietly
And makes the voice go hoarse.
It is what dries our lips
And makes us thirst for a kiss.
It is what makes us hot
And throw off all our clothes.
It is what makes our love
And lays its sweetness in our core.
It is what goes up the chimney
And into the thin, cool, night air.
It is what leaves us without notice,
And collapses into ashes; no more.
It is what we’ll keep on yearning
Forever, always, and evermore. | |
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Posted: 7/17/2009 7:21:39 PM | Great thread, while I was married (20 yrs ) I never thought about ending it, I guess I just kinda lost me in the whole deal, became a drone and a human atm and was happy to accept that this was my life until I died ( pretty pathetic ) I had no Idea there was a real life just waitng for me to explore, but my ex had other ideas and maybe even more ba@@s and went her own way. After alot of soul searching and asking myself why, why, why, one day I realized that she had done me the biggest favor she could have ever done ( short of bearing our child ) and I was free to finally do, have and become whatever I wanted to, It was now MY choice, but before I could even think about having another relationship I had to develop a good sense of self, learn to make myself happy, define my boundries etc.
freatlt you went and made me cry! My first marriage ended just like you described, at the time I was devastated but except for my son it was the kindest thing he ever did for me! Now, I am ending my second marriage, this ending was my choice. Now, I am learning to be just me. Not just someone's mother, not someone's wife, but the woman I really am and I have learned I love this woman I see in the mirror, even with all her faults! I am not ready for a serious relationship yet, but when I am I know what I want and what I'm willing to do to have it!
Robin | |
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Posted: 7/17/2009 7:37:24 PM | Great thread, Parrothead!
#1. When you think of escape, when you are lonelier in your bed with your husband then you are when you are alone, when you are the sole adult in the relationship, when you feel as if you can't breathe from having the air backed up in your chest because you are afraid to let the rage out.
#2. A. I cry, I curse, I drive my car and scream with the radio turned up loud so neighboring drivers just think I'm singing.
B. I looked in the mirror and saw the woman I wanted to be looking back at me. I gave up trying to save everyone and decided to save me. I moved out on my own for the first time since I was 18.
3. The first time I was so raw I wanted nothing more than to find someone to "heal" me. This time, I'm still working on the starting again! I am not raw this time, not to say I am not still tender, and the skin is still peeling from the burn, but it's healing and the tan is coming along nicely!
Robin | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 7/18/2009 1:21:59 AM | 1: How do you know when its time to say goodbye?
When that quiet but oh-so-persistent voice in my gut keeps saying "this isn't what you *really* want, you're just too being too 'nice' to say it out loud" and I can't ignore it any longer.
I think the wisest relationship advice I ever read was "You don't have to be with everyone you love."
So true. So very, very true... with that perspective, it made leaving just slightly less painful. | |
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Posted: 7/18/2009 2:02:37 AM |
1. when something gloriously wonderful or absolutely abysmal happens, and I don't think to call him to share it.
Thank you Elle Kaye. I can relate to that perfectly and it wasn't until I'd gotten to that point that I realised I had let go. | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 7/18/2009 2:07:02 AM | 1:When the feelings subside and emotional bond has deminished.And the trust is gone.
2:Look at what my mistakes were and improve.Not to make them again.
3:Look out for the warning signs of disinterest and emontional detachment.
But,if I love them.I always try to keep the fires burning red hot...lol.Tru love is very hard to come by now a days and you have to make a diligent effortt on both sides for it to work.We all or at least I do,want a lasting relationship.And when I do find a good woman that has the same desires that I want.I'm dam sure not going to keep this up.It'll be so long POF. | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 7/18/2009 5:32:49 AM | .
andserendpity,
Hi I am Ginny: you didn't ask for advice, so i won't offer any-- just want to say i've been there, i empathize, and send warm good wishes that something will change-- something good that opens the right door for you.
I appreciate your empathy and good wishes. (I tried to message you a "Thank you." Not sure why I couldn't. None of your mail restrictions apply to me.) | |
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| Goodbye?
Posted: 7/18/2009 7:17:25 AM | When I find having to end a relation ship for what ever reason I don't like to say goodbye unless that person has died then you know its for real. Because we live in this huge pond although its round Theres always the passably that we will run into that person again or see them around or hear of them thorough one of your friends or for that matter come up during a conversation with some one, then some of the memories come back, some are vivid some good some not so good and some times you wish things could of been different, but when I've enden a a relation ship usually say I see you around. And when you meet a another person please take you time and get to that person and it for some reason it does not work out be up front with whys and how come . Then you can live life a little better. Hey have fun and enjoy the short tmie you have in this pond after all were all tad poles. | |
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