| if i am so perfect to him why does he still need to chat to other women
Posted: 6/19/2009 7:22:37 PM | | To me, either you're in a serious relationship or you're not. Seems like it's a little one sided if your profile is turned off and his is not. I agree with others who say he's telling you one thing, but doing another. You need to talk to him not us to find out why he's still chatting with other women on this site. But just because his profile is active doesn't mean he is talking to women from PoF. Have you seen him online when you've been on PoF. | |
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| if i am so perfect to him why does he still need to chat to other women
Posted: 6/19/2009 7:30:45 PM | Ok...so you are wondering 'why' he still needs to talk to other women.
That's valid.
But, I am not sure if it is a need, as much as a right. I also would like to believe that it has nothing to do with the fact that you 'aren't' giving him something.
Although we humans may indeed feel patterned to find the 'One' special to us, it shouldn't preclude them from talking to other people. Way too many relationships are tainted by ownership and jealousy. I call it the two headed monster theory of love. You know..me and you baby.....and NO one else. No man...no woman can life a life full, by not relating to others.
Of course, you don't mention, and it would be helpful to know...is he contributing to the forums? And has made some 'friends' that way? Or...is he still hunting down profiles and looking to chat up others'.?
and...maybe he is not aware this is bothering you so. For the best info, it always pays to go directly to the source. Ask him what he is getting from these chats.
In a way, I can see how his behavior can kick up some insecurities in you, and in another way, I'm not sure it's healthy at all to tell anyone, 'now that you're with me...there will be NO communication with anyone else.
But, that's up to you two to work out.
Every couple operates differently on this issue.
regards
Kimbo | |
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| if i am so perfect to him why does he still need to chat to other women
Posted: 6/19/2009 7:51:10 PM | Run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run..............................................The lights are blinking and Im serious take it from me .Experience is the best teacher. | |
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| if i am so perfect to him why does he still need to chat to other women
Posted: 6/19/2009 7:58:54 PM | I think there is something holding him back.....may be. I would also think that if you haven't been talking about where the relationship is going or about being exclusive, he probably doesn't think he is doing anything wrong.
I honestly he is doing this to hurt you, but you need to ask him bluntly. On the other hand, you can't expect him to do the same and close his account unless it has been discussed and agreed. I think you are in a different stage of the relationship than he is; unless you have a talk to him and asking to tell you where it is all going you will be doubting yourself.
I think you need to have a talk with him, and it doesn't mean give him an ultimatum if you care about him and don't want to lose him, the last thing you want to do is make him feel trapped. | |
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| if i am so perfect to him why does he still need to chat to other women
Posted: 6/19/2009 8:58:06 PM | And Dardika~...I feel the same way about your posts...where you wrote
<div class="quote">and Big Daddy Jinx...I adore you and enjoy the majority of your post but this time....I just don't agree and I know you don't care...lol... But yes, I do believe in todays society where people run around on each other all the time.... that actions speak louder than words....still being here is an action which states he is still available and willing to talk to other women...it is a dating site not a social club.
...sorry...but he nailed it.
And OPie...
First off, if you don't want him playing on the computer, be more interesting than what is on the computer. BDJ says it perfectly.
Second, if you can't be "comfortably confident" in who you are, and the position and status you award each other in your relationship, then you either fall to be controlling ("He should change his profile") or the whiny stage of being needy/clingy ("Why won't he change his profile?").
Third...like it or not, the reason he continues to interact with women is because he has a secure relationship in you and his confidence and interactions demonstrate it...and in guys, it generates feelings of power. We all know what it feels like to be in love and have that glow about you beaming to others...this is what some guys do with that energy.
It's OK to talk about it with him...and it has to be OK, because if it isn't, you'll be living a lie with yourself that will continue to eat away at your soul.
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| if i am so perfect to him why does he still need to chat to other women
Posted: 6/19/2009 9:07:07 PM | | If he told you that you weren't perfect and he talked to other women in hopes of finding one that was better looking, more fun or whatever what would you do? My guess would be that he just tells you what he thinks will keep you around and he has no intentions of it being an exclusive arrangement on his end. | |
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| if i am so perfect to him why does he still need to chat to other women
Posted: 6/19/2009 10:02:17 PM | It takes a while for us men to slip into our "focused on only you" mode. I'm not making excuses...honestly, sometimes we need a really good yank to get back in line. It's not because we don't think the woman isn't perfect, but because we have to unlearn "the pursuit". You know..the chase..the thing most women want us to gain them with...yeah, that.
It's not a perfect science, but, it's one to try and work with.
Danz | |
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| if i am so perfect to him why does he still need to chat to other women
Posted: 6/19/2009 10:20:55 PM | Is it possible he really is just looking for friends? Personally, I think it is because I was on here for a while doing that. People do do that! Search it, there's been forums on it. There's another one going on right now about whether men and women truly can just be friends.
My bet: he's just bored... Like I am right now. That's why I'm here posting. If it really bothers you, ask him to change his status to Not Single/Not Looking. I bet he would. But, for the sake of the relationship, I wouldn't ask him to leave this site. (Please also reference the forum on POF ADDICTIONS.) This is serious! Some people just can't go cold turkey on this thing!! ...Myself included! | |
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| if i am so perfect to him why does he still need to chat to other women
Posted: 6/20/2009 12:08:14 AM | | Perhaps something in the relationship has him wanting to reach out to other people for friendship. I had someone tell me I am perfect and I believed those words. The abuse I had suffered in the past caused me to not trust men. So I had a guard up but knew something was very missing in my life. In reality the words I am perfect may fit you two but reflect on giving him time and if it meant it will happen. The fellow who said I was perfect has since started chatting with others and dating others | |
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| if i am so perfect to him why does he still need to chat to other women
Posted: 6/20/2009 3:09:35 AM | He's either trustworthy or he's not. I think my man still enjoys a little flirting with other women (in person) when I'm not around. I have to admit I find it flattering when someone hits on me when he's not around too (but I would never cheat on him). It's just an ego stroke. No big deal, because we trust each other. And when we're together, he has no problem showing that we are a couple, and that he's definitely taken. That said, I still asked him if he would hide his profile a few months in. And he knows I'm on here just for forums. We talked about it. Calmly, without a lot of "drama." He had no problem hiding it for me.
The desire to get attention from other women is not necessarily in itself, a sign of doom for the two of you. I think a lot of men who open to idea about being serious about a woman still enjoy it, and sometimes it takes men longer (than the woman) to feel strongly enough to be committed and let go of the idea of other women (and you just need a little patience), but the only thing that really matters is if you are comfortable with the way things are. Me, personally, I wouldn't put up with an active POF profile and chatting with single women on a dating site for more than a few months. I know I would love it if he gave it up on his own before that, but I'd probably need to have a chat about exclusivity, and want these things to be cleared up within the first four month of dating. I don't go for the cheater type though and would dump someone who is likely to cheat long before that. Could a man I am just starting to date meet someone else they liked better, and leave me for her, before we got to that more serious stage? Sure. But that's life. You can't spend (waste) too much of your energy on insecurity "what-ifs." It's too draining. At the same time, you want to be able to weed out the players right away. But just because he's still getting the ego stroke or hedging his bets right now, doesn't mean you two are doomed. It could be just the initial phase. Or not. How long has it been, by the way? Do you think of him as being trustworthy? | |
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| if i am so perfect to him why does he still need to chat to other women
Posted: 6/20/2009 5:16:57 AM | | searcher8001, I am agree with you about a few guys up here is " one girl " guys. I told someone that I don't take the guys up here serious. I want to, but it is not easy sometimes. I feel like if any man tell me he is interested in me and want to get to know me, but he don't call, e-mail, or text I just believe he is lying. I feel like if he is that interested in me it will show. I am not losing any sleep over it anymore. If they are not interested in me and there is no hard feelings than I don't mine being their friend. I am just going to continue to enjoy my single life and meet some great people. To that female that post, if you boyfriend is up here searching than he is still looking. I don't mean any harm, you don't need to tell a grown man/ woman what to do, because they know what they are doing. If wanted to change his profile or hided it he would have. Some of the questions on these forums don't need to be ask, you should have the common sense to make the right choice. Most of all you need to talk to him about it and tell him how you feel about it. If he is up here for the forum than I guess that is okay as long as it is innocent. | |
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| if i am so perfect to him why does he still need to chat to other women
Posted: 6/20/2009 9:40:36 AM | Oh good grief! Either you can trust him or you can't. If something he's doing bothers you, then talk to him about it, rather than speculating endlessly, and possibly creating a problem when there wasn't one to begin with.
My BF and I are both still active on this site and still interact with members of the opposite sex, GASP! He's made a lot of friends on this site, probably mostly female, and it would be ridiculous and immature of me to expect him to drop all contact with those friends just because we're together now. In fact, it would seem weird to me if he did, and I wouldn't want him to. I even have a half-baked theory that one of the many things that makes him a great boyfriend is his experience with women as friends- he gets us! 
I guess I'm one of those oddities that really does believe men and women can be friends without having ulterior motives. | |
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| if i am so perfect to him why does he still need to chat to other women
Posted: 6/20/2009 10:59:34 AM | | He is not chatting to others.. he is chatting to "the one" and believe me .. no paranoia included in the cookie jar.. you ain't it!!!! Guys know exactly what they want .. and will pursue it and this guy is not interested in you for a partner .. he has you to wet his whistle.. now he is looking for the one.. you are insignificant to yourself seriously .. or you would have already dumped his sorry azz excuse for owning a set of nuts and a penis.. come on.. get with it... He knows what he can have .. and he doesn't give a rats crapper about you.. reposition yourself or deal with your own self inflicted pain.. you owe him nothing.. get out while your hormones can function to date another azz-hump-shun until he proves otherwise .. you get what you put in.. to your life . so put this loot out.. !! or suffer the consequences of being f'cked wid... | |
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| if i am so perfect to him why does he still need to chat to other women
Posted: 6/20/2009 11:04:00 AM |
I hate to sound negative but it sounds like he is a player.
No you don't...sounding negative is exactly what you're trying to do. You're projecting some past pain you've had into OPie's current situation. Let me ask you this...what if it was a man asking this question about a woman? Wouldn't your answer be more "Give her a chance, she may just be getting out of a situation?"
Less than 1% of the men you meet are real players...the rest are just trying to figure out how to get from step A to B to C...not very communicative with what they're doing...and hopefully find someone who also wants to have a sexy, fun life with them.
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| if i am so perfect to him why does he still need to chat to other women
Posted: 6/20/2009 11:54:56 AM | copstav,
i am in a new relationship with a great guy from here... he tells me i am perfect ... that he is going nowhere and he is 110% happy...so why does he still need to talk to other women on here?
Good question! First of all, I say if you haven't asked him, you need to. I recently had a similiar situation and all I can say is to be cautious. Trust and instinct is a big issue in this. Trust until he gives a reason not be to trusted, but also listen to your instinct.
As far as my experience, six months into my relationship, I came to find out my BF signed up for an account (assuming it was because I had one), never had one before and came to see he had sent a couple of adult messages to 2 women. We talked about it and his reason was because he was bored. Well, this happened again on another site and pictures on his cell, lets just say 3 stikes you're out. But what I'm trying to say is be careful and don't be naive about it because people lie and sugar coat things. Always try to listen to your instincts...I did and it led me to what I came to see as reality. Good luck! | |
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