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| not calling
Posted: 6/19/2009 6:27:49 PM |
My Ex called me four years after we broke up and asked about getting back together. At the time I said no. I would try it in a heartbeat if she called today.
Just being nosy...why now??? | |
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Posted: 6/19/2009 6:32:44 PM | Just being nosy...why now???
Good question. I have since undergone some extensive relationship therapy, and I think we could make it work. A lot of it happens to be about listening and getting the details. Imagine that?
Anyway, if the OP doesn't want to provide details; I would suggest a personal counselor where she will feel less like a fish in a bowl. group therapy won't work if you don't open up. One on one is the only way to get started if you fear the contact. Most of the drama queens want to get out all of the details, even if they are a bit biased to their own point of view. They don't see it as a fish bowl, they see it as a soapbox.
"Vote for me, I'll set you free!" | |
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Posted: 6/19/2009 6:43:18 PM | You're not gonna want to hear this, but it's low self esteem.
You don't value yourself enough that you can't recognize or detach from someone who isn't good or right for you, it's a complusion. I would suggest you google it, but I won't and don't.
Irrational/compulsive behavior...that's some scary shyt.
You could have an undiagnosed mental illnes....probably NOT.
The medical/psychiatric/pharmaceutical (spelling? eh...) communities are leeching so much money from this...
The bottom line is valuing yourself. Many of us want something we know it's good, healthy, beneficial or productive....we like things that we know on some deeper level aren't good.
Ehh...enough psychobabble....until you get to that point where you realize you are and always will be the most important person in your life and embrace it, there isn't anything anyone else can say that has any merit....for the forums....okay, but it's not our life, it's yours.
I know that I've gotten there through a learning curve. I can be myself and BE a generous, giving, understanding, tolerant and patient woman, but because I value myself I am better able to recognize the toxic, takers, abusers, liars and can remove them, abruptly.
Bottom line, I trust my "spidey senses" you should trust yours.
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Posted: 6/20/2009 12:30:42 AM | | ^^^ those words apply to alot of life's experiences. I have been described by some as a doormat. Yes we should value ourselves. Yes each individual here is important to themselves. | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 12:33:08 AM | Yes, you need a distraction when you want to break a bad habit especially one that no longer benefit you.
Good onya....come join us fishing   | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 1:25:26 AM | I can loan you some guy's #'s.
Men are like socks...when they get nasty...throw them away. | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 2:11:40 PM | | So I already gave in! Damn it! This is super hard... | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 2:15:14 PM | | and it's girls like you that are reason why guys think that girls want to be treated like shit | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 2:16:10 PM | | WRITE YOURSELF A NOTE ABOUT WHY YOU NEED TO KEEP AWAY FROM HIM! Read it whenever you feel the urge to call him. | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 2:25:43 PM | No no --->lets not get off track.....
Just re-read message #7 and 11.... its all good!!!
anna blue you rocked it the first time and the OP got the message!!!
Now.. where's my pen....
Keep writing OP! | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 2:28:13 PM | merely delete there phone numbers and msn etc, or if you remember numbers and stuff, which frankly I dont as ive the world worst memory ever, stick the offending items in your washing machine eg mobby, phone and pc, for a boil wash and get yer brain wiped by some mad cult..wicked is not without sensible answers at times
Or my personal favourite act as irrationally as they do, and embrace there utopic standards if your at loose end then feed them to the lions..if someone doth no like their own standards perhaps that is whence you should give them a berth known as wide
* this may backfire if your where in the wrong in the first place. (but it still much fun) | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 2:31:46 PM | Everytime you think about calling your ex do one or two of the following
duck tape your eyelids shut
tie your hand behind your back
stick a in pin your left eye, if that doesn't work repeat wit h the right eye
snap a rubbeband to the most sensitive spot you have
locate and chase a squirl up a tree and try and pet it
catch the neighborhood tomcat and introduce him to the squirl
have a friend drive your car while you run down the road chasing it screaming your exs name
take a pair of toenail clippers and g trim your grass
curl you eyebrows with a curling iron
straighten your eyelashes with the same iron
these are but a few past time that are so much more fun than hanging onto an ex, enjoy and have fun | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 2:35:16 PM | Ok, here's some information I have gathered about second chances. Now, understand that even under ideal conditions, the odds of a second chance actually working is about 5%. The odds go up, however, if you keep the following information in mind.
(Disclaimer: I'm not a relationship expert. I will say that I have read, studied, talked to countless "so called experts" and see first hand what works and what doesn't. There is no guarantee if you following my guideline you will win your ex back. Some people are able to move on from a failed relationship quite easily, others are not. These are my theories (and theories from others) and as such, will have variations depending upon the circumstances.)
1. LET GO: Yes, I said LET GO. No matter how much you love and care for your ex, as long as you stay attached to them and are hoping/praying for a second chance, you will not follow the rest of the guideline and heal completely unless you first truly let go. The reason for this is allow your heart to heal, to focus on self-reflection and improvement and to get your mind and body in a state of happiness. No second chance will work if you are still pining and miserable over losing your ex.
2. NO CONTACT: That means exactly what it says. For the first month or two, you must never contact your ex under any circumstances. If you do, you will have to start the process over again. That means no emails/text/drunk dialing, etc. Now, that doesn't mean if they contact you that you should never reply (chose wisely) but if you do, make sure to keep any replies short, sweet and to the point. Take your time before replying, even several days. It's good to sleep on an email before replying so you have a clear head and are not replying with a ton of emotion. Never discuss the relationship during your healing phase and above all, DO NOT STALK YOUR EX. Do not try and find information about them. Whatever is going on in their life, you can't handle the information right now. Stay away from their web pages, blogs, etc. Don't talk to mutual friends (trust me, they will share any negative comments) Ignorance is bliss. Don't focus on who they are with and what they are doing. It will only torture you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and while they may be living it up with the new person in their life, chances are it's a rebound for them as well. It may take up to six months to a year for their new person's bad side to show through. In the meantime if you screw it up by clinging to them, bad mouthing them or otherwise stalking them, you will only serve to push them away even further. If you share a child with an ex, complete NC will be hard. Any conversations with your ex should focus on the child(ren) and remain, short, sweet and to the point. Absolutely no talk about the relationship. Remember that any conversations with your ex should be a pleasurable one. That is what they will remember. If you are constantly arguing with them or otherwise trying to cling to them and force them back to you, you will make it a painful experience and that is what they will associate with you. Happy/Fun/Pleasurable is good. Arguing/Clinging/Whining/Crying is very, very bad.
3. DO NOT BE FRIENDS: It is impossible to be friends with someone you are deeply in love with. It just won't work. All it will do is show your ex that you will accept second class treatment (in which any respect you had at that point from them will be lost). In addition it will delay your healing process. The longer you cling to hope, the longer it will take for you to truly let go and complete the healing process. I realize to some degree this is counter to your goal, winning them back, but is essential. Your ex doesn't want you all broken and shattered. Have you ever met someone on the rebound and dated them? If so, it probably didn't last long as you saw yourself feeling sorry for them. Their lack of confidence and self-respect is not attractive. Respect precedes love and you can not respect someone who doesn't respect themselves first. Also keep in mind you can not expect someone to love someone who doesn't love themself. And you can not make someone happy if you can not make yourself happy. Remember, all the good/healthy feelings you want your ex to feel about you will only come if you feel them about yourself first - and believe it.
4. FOCUS ON YOU: Allow for the normal grieving process, of course. How long it takes it completely dependent on you. The period of NO CONTACT will go a long way toward helping you focus on yourself and your healing. It doesn't matter what your ex is doing right now or who they are seeing. You need to let go of things you have no control over and unfortunately in your case, you are no longer dating so all you have left is you.
5. RE-ACQUAINT YOURSELF WITH FRIENDS: Pick up your phone book or email list and start making contact with friends you haven't hung out with lately. Get out of the house and go hang out with them. Right now you're feeling down and out and a little quality time with your friends will go a long way towards healing your spirit. Do talk about the relationship with them if you wish, but don't dwell on it. If they are friends with your ex, realize anything you say (good or bad) will get back to them. Focus more on what they did to get over and ex and listen to any positive advice they give you. Primarily though you want to invest the time with friends to get your mind OFF your ex and more on fun and bonding. Make new friends as well.
6. GET TO THE GYM: It's a proven fact that no drug works better at getting someone out of depression faster than endorphins. I do not believe the old adage "The best way to get over someone is to get UNDER someone else." If your head is not in the right place, some meaningless sex will only make you miss the ex even more. While you have the feeling of being lonely, sex isn't the answer. At least not right now. Companionship is what you are missing and in the interim, talk to you friends and work out.
7. DIVE INTO HOBBIES: Now that you have some free time on your hands, rather than sitting around at home feeling sorry for yourself, engage your mind. Do something you've always wanted to do as a hobby. Fly model airplanes, take up hiking or mountain climbing, start biking, take a college course in computers, play video games. Your mind can usually only focus on one thing at one time. Keeping your mind engaged on hobbies will take it off your ex.
8. PUT THE DRINK/DRUGS DOWN: Yes, it's ok to occasionally go out with friends and have a drink, but don't over-do it. Drinking heavily leads to depression which will not only delay your healing process, but quite possibly throw you into an un-recoverable downward spiral. Not only that but it will put you out of shape and you will lose any gains from working out.
9. REBUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM: It's normal to be dumped and have your self-esteem and confidence take a hit. Those who recover the fastest are those who have the strongest self of self-worth. Many relationships end in failure and not all of us were meant to be together. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you focus on your needs and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem, the sooner you will recover - and be stronger.
10. UNDERSTAND WHAT WENT WRONG: Instead of focusing on what your Ex did to cause the demise of the relationship, focus on learning a lesson and improving where you can. If you became clingy, then rebuild your confidence. Understand that you don't NEED someone in your life. You can and will live fine without them. You must never NEED someone, only want them. I can not emphasize personal improvement enough. Almost every aspect of our life in regards to success can be directly attributed to our confidence and self-esteem. At healthy levels, we will find much success in everything we do. When the levels are below healthy, we often find failure. Not because of the situation, but because of how we viewed ourselves. If you are a clingy guy, some essential reading: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and any of "David DeAngelo's" stuff. Pay less attention to the pickup lines and focus on his insistence on confidence and self-esteem. He's dead right on everything he says in regards to confidence. Remember boys: No woman respects a man who constantly kisses her ass. The same can be said of women. If you kiss a mans ass, he will lose interest in you quickly. You must have mutual respect for each other and that can not be had with ass-kissing.
11. LEARN BOUNDARIES: Boundaries are essential for anyone with healthy confidence, self respect and self-esteem. Learn to make boundaries clear from the start of a relationship and have repercussions for crossing them. When you set a boundary, it is imperative for you to follow through on your actions. If you make it clear to someone you are dating that if they say they are going to meet you somewhere at a certain time and don't, make it clear it better not happen again. People whom you allow to cross your boundaries with no repercussions will lose respect for you and continue to cross them. Remember again, RESPECT PRECEDES LOVE. Without respect, there can not be love. Read "Love Must Be Tough" for more information on boundaries and why they are essential. Boundaries are not just for relationships. They are essential at home, at work and throughout your life.
12. NEVER TELL YOURSELF NO ONE WILL LOVE YOU: That's a self-defeatist attitude that not only will keep you down, but is just outright WRONG. There is someone out there that will love you in the way you want. You just have to find them. And you certainly won't find them if you are wallowing in self-doubt and pity. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps! You have plenty to live for and while no one likes to go through a bad breakup, it's almost an essential part of life. How else are you going to learn the lessons of love without going through the hard knocks? Trust me, as long as you learn something from the relationship and self-improvement you are almost guaranteed greater success the next time. You will have learned valuable lessons to guide your future relationships. And, if you have rebuilt your confidence and self-esteem you will naturally attract those with the same qualities. Remember (especially guys) that attraction while initially might be based on looks will never last without you have strong confidence and self-esteem. However, you can attract and keep a great woman in your life without having great looks, as long as you do have strong confidence and self-esteem.
13. ACCEPT THAT SOME THINGS JUST AREN'T MEANT TO BE: Keep in mind that you may follow this guideline to a "T" and in the end and still the may never come back. Some people are just not meant to be together. But don't get discouraged. Use this experience to guide all future relationships. How much do you love your ex? Do you love them enough to want them to be happy even if it's not with you? To me, that is the true test of love. Not only do you love them unconditionally, warts and all, but that you want them to be happy with or without you. There is someone out there for you, but until your confidence and self-esteem is at healthy levels, until your life is full of happiness and fun, until you realize that you have to be happy before you can make anyone else happy, you won't find them. People with all those positive attributes don't have to look for a mate, they usually find them ;)
Best of luck to you all! | |
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| not calling
Posted: 6/20/2009 6:33:51 PM | OP..here's a thread about what guys think about when an ex keeps calling....
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts6155914.aspx
If you can't control it, then I think you need to get some help to figure out why you need this abuse.
If you don't get an handle on this, then another guy will come into your life that is just as bad or worse!
Tell us,.. what it would take for you to not phone him?
P.S. Is there a 12 step plan for women addicted to men's bad behaviour? | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 6:44:26 PM | You just don't do it. If you really want him out of your life you call someone else or put the phone down.
You're not a parent but you work with children, would you want any of those children to grow up and allow themselves to be treated the way you are allowing someone to treat you?
One of the things you regularly hear from parents is that having children totally changed them because they realized that they were teaching their children the most by the example they set. Do you want to set examples for the young people that are watching you about how they should care for themselves that are good or that are bad?
Because the thing is, after you have the kids, it doesn't matter whether they are watching because you know and you want to be the best person you can, which starts with loving yourself enough to require appropriate treatment from the people you allow in your life. | |
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Posted: 6/20/2009 7:48:59 PM | | You will not allow yourself to mend if you call your ex. Remember: he's an EX for good reasons; reasons you validated to leave him. Don't run back; it may stop you from finding the right one for you. | |
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| not calling
Posted: 6/20/2009 11:18:39 PM |
You mean , if i keep jumping back into the dryer, i'll eventually find my mate??
^
^
^
^>>>>>lmfao...that was a good one! | |
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