|
|
|
|
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 9:50:55 AM | gent said: Clarification in the word "casual" I am not into casual dates at all.
So if you mean those awkward first and second dates as you look for that thing called chemistry,then I understand what you mean by "casual"
Yes indeed it is a getting to know you process and takes many dates to really get a feeling for someone.. Chemisty for me happens the first time I met them for coffee? We talk easily and I am comfortable with them as well as attracted to them. So if he feels likewise he will contact me about a date..
Then the getting to know you process starts.. That mental connection is a much more difficult to find.. Are we on the same page? Do we want the same kind of relationship?More importantly are we connecting on an emotional level? That takes way longer than 2 dates to know.. Not everyone is as open at first and they begin to slowly unfold like a flower. Until that emotional connection happens we just date casually..
We are all hoping to find our one and only and it is simply time that will give us our answers.
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 10:20:10 AM | Then the getting to know you process starts.. That mental connection is a much more difficult to find.. Are we on the same page? Do we want the same kind of relationship?More importantly are we connecting on an emotional level? That takes way longer than 2 dates to know.. Not everyone is as open at first and they begin to slowly unfold like a flower. Until that emotional connection happens we just date casually..
And through all those many "dates" that you view as the "getting to know you" stage, the man is "under evaluation", and the closeness and intimacy that incentivizes most men to look for a relationship in the first place are denied.
I've tried it, and it feels like an endless job interview, constantly feeling like a bug under a microscope, with the unspoken message that she hasn't decided I'm "worthy". Frankly, for me, the only way to cope with that, if I even want to keep seeing her, is to "friend zone" the whole thing, which kills off any "desire". I simply don't allow myself to want things I can't have. I suppose the alternative would be to "casually date" a whole bunch of others, or begin the "job interview" process with more than one prospective "girlfriend", and then accept the best offer, when it comes. Personally, I'd rather just apply to one company, where the job meets my needs, and the hiring process isn't so protracted and uncertain.
I know a lot of people who claim to have that dating style. The funny thing is, I rarely encounter someone who is in a relationship of long standing, where it took 3-6 months to decide to be "exclusive" and intimate. I suspect that for some people it's avoidance, by saying, "I want a relationship, but haven't found the right one yet"...cuz every guy was found "deficient" in one way or another. For some, I suspect that they're afraid of being exposed to a real, intimate relationship, but don't want to admit it. So, it sounds reasonable to say "my next relationship will be my last relationship, so I am being very careful"....careful to the point that many men, who might have been 'good" for her in her life, will tire of the ordeal and move on.
So, for me, that's never worked, and most of the time, if I know that's someone's dating style, I move on without wasting her or my time, | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 11:17:42 AM | ren said: And through all those many "dates" that you view as the "getting to know you" stage, the man is "under evaluation", and the closeness and intimacy that incentivizes most men to look for a relationship in the first place are denied.
Not at all I am just enjoying him and he is in turn is enjoying the time he spends with me..
So how are we both not benefiting from it????
Well as for it not working out for you most of the time goes, how has your method worked for you?
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 11:21:04 AM | ren said: Personally, I'd rather just apply to one company, where the job meets my needs, and the hiring process isn't so protracted and uncertain.
So I can assume you only apply to companies where YOU are the only candidate being interviewed?
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 11:36:13 AM |
Hi I am Ginny said: Once I've done the "meet and greet," and agreed to a date, since I'm not a multi-tasker, I state that to anyone else I'm communicating with. So basically what you are saying is you are making a commitment to be exclusively dating just this person after the first cup of coffee?? If we decide to have a date, yes. I'm not in such a hurry that I have to have more "waiting in the wings." The last time I was dating was 30 years ago, so maybe I'm old-fashioned, but it still works for me; I found my fishie.   | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 11:51:23 AM | Hi I am Ginny said: If we decide to have a date, yes. I'm not in such a hurry that I have to have more "waiting in the wings." The last time I was dating was 30 years ago, so maybe I'm old-fashioned, but it still works for me; I found my fishie.
Boy find this site confusing at best. I like to read posters profiles to perhaps get a better understanding of them.
So are you married and just seeing male friends?
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 12:03:23 PM | thecatsmeoww,
Actually, just one.
Boy find this site confusing at best. I like to read posters profiles to perhaps get a better understanding of them.
So are you married and just seeing male friends?
I don't understand why you would be confused. If you look at the options available when you set up your profile, you'll see I'm certainly not the only one. And there are probably even more who just aren't honest about it.
My preferences don't negate my opinions. I get this a lot. I'm not offended, just amused.
. | |
|
| |
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 12:23:21 PM | Hi I am Ginny:
My preferences don't negate my opinions. I get this a lot. I'm not offended, just amused.
Okay so you are married and just seeking one male friend..
Ahh so no one is in the wings...
Thanks
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 12:34:19 PM | .
If you'd read my profile title and the body of my "About me" you would have seen that I have my fishie and am here for my chat buddies and the forums. So, no. No one in the wings.
Okay so you are married and just seeking one male friend..
Ahh so no one is in the wings...
Thanks
thecatsmeoww
Anything else you want to take a shot about?
Namaste.
Ginny | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 1:32:23 PM | I don't assume exclusivity with anyone until we've openly agreed to it. Until I've agreed to be exclusive with someone, what I do when they aren't around is my own business and what they do when I'm not around is their business.
Some people can only integrate seeing one person at a time. That's okay. For them.
You aren't doing anything wrong by seeing more than one woman unless you are misleading them into thinking you are exclusive with them.
The whole point of dating around is to get to know a variety of people. At some point, someone may stand out that you want to get to know more deeply. At that point, it's time to narrow your focus. Until then, you're a free agent. Just play nice and don't hurt anyone unnecessarily. | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 1:39:11 PM |
Well as for it not working out for you most of the time goes, how has your method worked for you?
Over the past 10 years, I have been in relationships of a year or longer far more of the time, than I've been without a relationship. For me, a relationship that lasts beyond 6 months, where it makes both people's lives better "for a time", is worth having, rather than viewing it as a "mistake", or something not to repeat.
So I can assume you only apply to companies where YOU are the only candidate being interviewed?
Most of the jobs I've held, have been from interviews that I created by contacting a company I'm interested in working for. When I have gone through an interview process, though, it's 0nly 0nce required more than two interviews. If, after a 2nd interview an offer doesn't come, I start to lose my enthusiasm, and will look elsewhere.
Keith | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 2:26:27 PM | Hi I am Ginny: Anything else you want to take a shot about?
Part of the problem is the choices you have in the drop down menu.. When I asked you answered me that you were just looking for one male friend as it is on your profile?
At any rate now I know you are not looking for one male friend you have already found him 30 years ago.. Had that been your answer would have understood it right off the bat.
Namaste
Karen | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 2:32:09 PM |
~OP~ There are no right or wrong ways to date.
Absofreakinlutely.
We are over 45, junior high school was quite a long time ago.
I don't think an independently functional adult owes other adult friends/dates a minute accounting of how one spends every waking moment when not in each other's company. I think if the chemistry is heading in the right direction there won't be a need to date others after a few dates with a potential serious relationship candidate.
While I do not subscribe to the theory that it should take 3 to 6 months to determine whether one wants to become serious/intimate,I also have little use for the "quick let's f*ck" mentality. I think a lot of women are falling into that because they think they HAVE to have sex on the first date in order to even be considered for further dates. Of course, a man that bases 90% of his intent to continue seeing a woman on her willingness to have sex on the first date cannot be(IMO)depended on to be there for you in the long haul. The minute something happens that even temporarily restricts his "need" for frequent sex, will pretty much torpedo the relationship.
This is not to say a woman needs to reject a man who wants lots of sex real soon. Just don't count on him for much of anything else. As long as you can deliver the (sexual)goods, they can be great fun and companionship. Enjoy. Whether you make that enjoyment an exclusive arrangement or choose to continue keeping your eyes(and heart) open for something more balanced is something that you'll need to make your own decisions about.
I too regard "long term" as decades, not just anything over 6 months. However, we are all SUPPOSED to be grownups,with the sense to figure out and do(or not do, as the case may be) what is best for ourselves without either coming to regard members of the opposite sex as throwaway conveniences, or setting our own self up for frustration,deprivation, or clinging desperately to a relationship you are truly not happy in.
I'm dating. That means? I'm socializing with the opposite sex. There is no physical intimacy (personal choice) but they are more than free to indulge in that with someone else should they wish to do so. What happens outside of my time with that person is NONE of my business. Now, should one of these people turn out to be someone I'd like to see exclusively? That's a different deal for me ~ but I firmly believe I'm meant for dating, nothing more. Until that changes? I'll multi-date. It's a great deal of fun without any of the "stuff" that goes along with the mind-set of permanence.
Right now, this is pretty much the way I'm looking at the whole "hein' and shein' " thing. In fact, it would have to be pretty amazing for me to relinquish the autonomy of being a mature woman with nobody to answer to.
Would it bother me if someone I was just dating/just flirtingfriendly with/or with whom I had mutually agreed upon FwB dated other women? It might, a little, but then my "grownup override' system would kick in and I'd realize that if I have the right to pursue my own romantic best interests, SO DOES HE.
Personally, OP, I think if you had just kept things at 'casual but interested' dating with both ladies for awhile, things would have sorted themselves out. In fact, I think you'd already pretty much made up your mind that the local lady was the better deal( that's just a statement,not a jab,insult or indictment) and by informing the longdistance interest, you put the ball in HER court. If she was "hurt", then she hasn't learned an important lesson to NOT be overly invested in the outcome of any new romantic encounter, be it online or someone you meet in a real life setting.
The only thing I don't hold with is multi dating and LYING about it. If all you are doing is preliminary, non intimacy dating, I really don't think you owe your date(s) an open book on everything else going on in your life. Trust me, if a particular person is meant to become significant in your life,honorable,emotionally healthy men and women will not have any problem winding down other dating activities as that becomes apparent. Note well; the part about honorable and emotionally healthy. If you feel compelled to juggle several bfs/gfs, FwBs,or always be grooming a "backup" romantic partner,then I think maybe you need to figure out and address the underlying issues.
Cindy O | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 2:38:35 PM |
Not at all I am just enjoying him and he is in turn is enjoying the time he spends with me..
So how are we both not benefiting from it????
If all she allows is "casual dating", while evaluating him "during the getting to know you stage", in my experience, that has usually been a woman "calling all the shots", in the role of the "main evaluator".
For me, it's not comfortable, nor really close. For me, I put a high priority on thngs being warm, close, and harmonious, and will only participate for a short time in something that isn't. I've tried. I did so recently, because the woman was so exceptional, so I wanted to find out what it would be like, if I went outside my comfort zone. It didn't work for me. I was about as comfortable as I would have been, if I had to go on stage before a large audience.
Most people know that, no matter what stage of life you're in, that there is a huge difference in the "ease and comfort" between people after they become lovers, compared to before they are. So, usually the line of demarcation between a relationship, where there is a sign of "mutual acceptance" of each other, compared to when each is "evaluating" the other.
At some point, and not that far down the road, comes "decision time", whether to go forward with an exclusive, real relationship, or to let it go into the "friend zone" or nothing at all. | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 2:43:28 PM | .
thecatsmeoww,
I said I have found my fishie. I'm here now for my chat buddies and the forums.
I'm open about the fact that I am married and wanted a friend. That's what I stated, and that's what I found.
The OP's thread is about dating or seeing more than one. That's what I posted about. You're getting rather far afield.
If there is something you really want to know, as opposed to just misquoting my posts, I'll be happy to answer personally. I don't have any mail filters.
Namaste
Ginny
. | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 2:49:39 PM | | See to me in order to be comfortable with someone, you need to be able to talk to them, to communicate. I want to know their mother's name and father's name, blood work, and so much more before I would ever let them get as close as two humans can get. Sex is after dating. Sex is after you know the person and have feelings for them. I do not think I will ever understand the mindset of people that have sex just for the fun of it and think they build a relationship after the sex instead of before. | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 2:52:35 PM | ren said: If all she allows is "casual dating", while evaluating him "during the getting to know you stage", in my experience, that has usually been a woman "calling all the shots", in the role of the "main evaluator".
Really you mean every single man I meet is going to want to become intimate with me in short order???? I do not think that is the type of man I gravitate towards. In fact I like a man that moves slowly simply because he is more likely in the same place I am. Slow but steady wins the race for me..
As for the ease and comfort that occurs that happens when you fall in love with one another.. it does not happen in the bedroom but rather in the mind..
Yes at some point and time comes "decision time" you will either see the relationship has grown or you will both recognize it is not simply not developing.. So what is the hurry? If it is real it will stand the test of time. If it is not it will not
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 3:33:47 PM |
Yes at some point and time comes "decision time" you will either see the relationship has grown or you will both recognize it is not simply not developing.. So what is the hurry? If it is real it will stand the test of time. If it is not it will not
Your dating style is common. It might even be the "norm". I just know that it doesn't work for me, because, to me, I think it leads to "paralysis by analysis". That, and I'm not "dating to date". I date, because I am looking for what's "missing", a close, intimate connection with one person, who will be special in my life.
A lot of it has to do with the perception that comes from being online that there is an "endless supply" of "interesting" memebers of the opposite sex. The "available universe" is so vast, that it's easy to fall into the illusion that one can determine who will be the "ideal" other, without getting too close. In reality, who someone will be as the other half of an "us" isn't something you can know, until there is an "us".
You can screen out, obviously, those who would not be a good match, based on physical attraction, a few "must haves", and a few, reasonable "red flags". However, once you determine those, if you are attracted and your personalities fit, you'll never "know" the other deeply, in ways that matter in a relationship, prior to being in a relationship.
In high school, there were 800 girls in my "available universe". I dated a couple, and then found one, who had all the qualities I wanted initially, and we learned together, how to form an "us". It lasted 2 1/2 years. In college, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven, cuz there were 10,000 women, but after dating a couple, I found "one", and we went on to be together for 5 years, and got within 6 weeks of marriage.
In my 20s, I did the 70s version of "casual dating" in the singles bars, and while I had a lot of sex, it was extremely lonely period, because I never got close to anyone, nothing was ever "exclusive", and everyone was dating a lot of other people.
Then, in my late 20s, with all the women there were in the world, I managed to find "just one", who was likewise ready to get serious and have children, raise a family. We were married for 20 years.
I could go on, but the relationships that have worked in my life never took that long, once we found each other, and I never had to "give up" or "settle" on any of the "must haves".
The point is, yes, there are always lots of people out there you could date. You can look forever, and make the process long and involved, and always "find something wrong" in every man you meet, always sure that there must be someone "better", if you keep looking. None of that will fill the hole in life for someone "special". That happens, once you decide to work together in a relationship, and allow someone into your life in ways that no one else can enter. How well you will work together isn't something you can know, until you're together, and taking things too slow, over analyzing too much, just dims the enthusiasm, and wastes the time that could have been spent forging a strong foundation for a relationship, by instead holding each other at arm's length, and subjecting each other to "evaluation" for months on end. | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 4:04:43 PM | You articulated the quandary of old-fashion dating in the new world. In my opinion you did nothing wrong. It is a difficult conversation to have that honestly states that you are dating, and there could be a possibility of other ladies in the picture, until there is a mutual agreement for exclusivity.
I joined a dating group that was online/matchmaker format. The owner’s clear demand – date, date, date. See multiple people, enjoy finding the fun of meeting people, and waiting…waiting for the person that fires up your spirit and you theirs. Only then do you consider exclusivity. Her opinion, we want so badly to meet our love/partner/soul mate, that we meet someone and quickly couple up in hopes of making that partnership happen.
So, you seem to have a good heart and good intentions. Dating is tricky…..but I really believe you did good. Best of luck. That lucky lady is surely out there.
| |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 4:47:28 PM | Thank you cape2islanda, All I want to do is the right thing.
I do not want to hurt anyone, mislead anyone or be hurt or mislead myself in this, the new age of dating. | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 4:52:55 PM | I do not want to hurt anyone, mislead anyone or be hurt or mislead myself in this, the new age of dating.
Sometimes GentlemanNJim, that is unavoidable, no matter how honest and honorable you are. All you can do is the best you can. Even when you're completely honest, some people will nod their head yes in understanding but still have expectations, or hopes, of an outcome that isn't to be. At least if everyone's honest, and someone gets hurt, they can look back on it logically and hopefully say "no promises were made, I wasn't mislead to believe a falsehood, therefore no reason to hate or have bad feelings towards that person." | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 5:18:21 PM | Once again, I'm going to have to opine that we are each different in the type and style of meeting and dating that fits each of us. My own preference and practice has been not to *date* at all. (Okay, a few over the past fifty years.) Rather to get to know a person, and if liking them enough, and feeling enough, stopping getting to know others. (Very little of getting to know takes place in classic dating venues: dinners, movies, attending events.)
At the point I don't wish to keep getting to know others, I stop doing so (generally very early, and most often before they are ready to do so). I figure it's *my* type and style, and don't require/demand it of the other. I do most certainly appreciate knowing if they are wishing to/and doing so vis a vis seeing others. It will tend to keep me trodding a little more carefully down the garden path.
When I first joined PoF, I was "caught" a couple of times corresponding (on the getting to know you side) with more than one guy. Made me acutely uncomfortable, though both times it resolved itself fairly quickly.
Just be as honest as you can with the other. And ask them the questions *you* need to have answered: it may clear up issues for them also.
 | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 5:39:35 PM |
Slow but steady wins the race for me..
As for the ease and comfort that occurs that happens when you fall in love with one another.. it does not happen in the bedroom but rather in the mind..
Yes at some point and time comes "decision time" you will either see the relationship has grown or you will both recognize it is not simply not developing.. So what is the hurry? If it is real it will stand the test of time. If it is not it will not.
Yes, love,like romance evolves and having time,well spent together.
There is no rush right off the bat as humans are very complex and yet were similar in wants and needs. So stir the pot slowly and if the chemistry makes a good soup,savor it and let it grow as to want not to live without it....and if he or she does not,at least you were at your best and disappointment will be melancholy but such is life at times .
ren said. I understand your points and your own personal opinions that work best for you.
All I know is the magic of chemistry takes two in a union to be successful, unlike a job interview where're your resume may be right yet as in a relationship it is much more personal and heart to heart.imo | |
|
| dating or seeing more then one...the rules
Posted: 6/22/2009 9:25:05 PM | So stir the pot slowly and if the chemistry makes a good soup,savor it and let it grow as to want not to live without it....and if he or she does not,at least you were at your best and disappointment will be melancholy but such is life at times .
I understand the point, but I'm not sure I agree.
For me, I really don't like the whole "dating" game. I'll go through the process, up to a point, with a goal in mind of finding someone to be close in my life in a very special and unique way, but only if she seems "into" it. If it's some protracted "process", where I am supposed be a supplicant trying to "win" Lady Fair....no thanks.
It really only works for me, if it's mutual...warm, affirming, and close from the start, otherwise, it's a negative in my life, that I'm not willing to endure, in some "hope" that "eventually" it might be something good.
All of which is precisely why I won't do the "seeing more than one" process. If there is a str0ng attraction, and she has all the "must haves", I'm not looking to see if the grass is greener somewhere else. If she is, then I don't want to be there. It's not worth the angst.
For me, all those "getting to know y0ou" meetings do, is bring out the "public personna, who has had 1000s of business dinners, and with the same attitude. It's not fun. It doesn't add joy to life, and I don't want to go through it.
We're either "into" each other, and wanting to see if we can form a relationship, one on one, or we aren't. If she isn't, or I' m not into her, that's cool. No harm/no foul, but ambiguity to me is deadly and makes life worse. It's either "yes" or "no" to go forward. "Maybe", for me, isn't a comfortable dating paradigm. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
