| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 10:25:22 AM | | I'd say how long had she been out of her most recent relationship. How many relationships has she had since the most recent one. And if she has any substance abuses. Because you are stuck with those abuses after the honeymoon phase is over. If its just friends than not so much. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 10:58:10 AM |
What are your critical "Three Questions"?
I got rid of those. I've found that people can easily pick up "test" questions, and tend to tense up and get nervous...so I'd rather ask questions like:
"Did you notice all the wait staff is wearing khaki pants...except those two. They have black pants. Do you think they are new and have to wear black pants as an initiation?
Do you think they get in waiter gang fights with the khaki pants wait staff? Stabbing each other in the kitchen with forks, using trays as shields, for dominance over territory like the sauce area? Does flair determine rank or wounds and valor?"
Or really what ever comes to mind that I didn't specifically set up.
Because IME
if this conversation doesn't flow easily
Then it's either partly or mostly my fault for asking questions that don't fit the situation, or that I have to spring on them like a trap.
You know, as if I'm judging their answers because it's an interview where I want them to ultimately/eventually fill my desired role for them rather than a mutually enjoyable experience shared by two individual people.
Because I get to set up "critical questions" it means I have time to prepare my answers. I have time to prepare and understand the depth I intend. And time to contemplate the answers that would be most meaningful to me.
The person I am asking does not. And that does not seem fair (according to my sense and definition of fairness).
So if/when I do ask "critical" questions I have no problem allowing days, weeks, or months to go by before receiving an answer. Depending on the length of the relationship up to the point of me asking them something I think is important.
Also, I may be completely transparent in how I would answer the question. Such as asking a question, and then telling them my answer. But that just gives them more to think about, and more paths to take, and more points of conversation. So their mind may be focused on the question, and different points of my answer. So a great response isn't all that likely in a short amount of time as the mind is focused on too many things at once. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 11:23:20 AM | One area that interests me about a guy is if he has children, and how often he sees them. I've heard some lame excuses for men who move away from their kids due to tension with the ex but tell me they have a stronger relationship seeing their kids only 4x a year versus a couple times a week when living in the same city. I'm sure their kids wouldn't not agree with dear old Dad. If a guy complains about paying child support, that's another red flag.
I always notice the non-verbal and the tone of their voice when talking about their job, ex's, family, etc.
If a guy is racist and uses derogatory language to describe any demographic in society, he won't get another date with me. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 12:56:00 PM |
And if she has any substance abuses.
I have to disagree with that one. An active substance abuser isn't likely to answer this truthfully (I've always wondered about the "do you do drugs" questionon POF.. does anyone ever say YES?!) Not much point in ASKING. Whether or not they have an addiction problem is best learned by observation, IMO.
I like the question about reasons your last relationship broke up. It's a great way to see if there is still some anger there. As for the "how you moved on" (paraphrased) questions, I think that can be learned by observation, as well .. although I can also see that coming up in general conversation.
I don't really have any set questions ... I'm more of an observer/listener in "normal" conversations about one's life. I tend to be wary of anger, victim mentality, and negativity. Actions speak louder than words, in many cases.... | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 1:58:09 PM |
I like the question about reasons your last relationship broke up. It's a great way to see if there is still some anger there. As for the "how you moved on" (paraphrased) questions, I think that can be learned by observation, as well .. although I can also see that coming up in general conversation.
I can understand why someone would want to have some idea of why the prior relationships did work out but I typically don't engage in conversation about prior relationships because they tend to reconstruct the same relationship with a different person. Often though it seems the new person has some similar qualities until the person is able to identify what those issues were to be in a better situation. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 2:52:10 PM | I just have conversations. If their story doesn't come up eventually, I'm probably going to start to wonder a little bit. However, if I have to pick three questions, I choose these.
1. Are you a good cook?
2. Do you tip at Starbucks?
3. What was the last book you read?
OK, I'm full of guano. I wouldn't ask these, but, they do serve a purpose. The first one doesn't matter, because I love to cook and I'm pretty good at it. However, it allows for a conversation on dietary habits which can tell a lot. For example if a woman is a vegetarian, it tells me that we are not likely to be a good match, both on a food level and because vegetarianism is in my experience and opinion highly correlated with more liberal political views. The second question easily segues into a discussion that point to starting assumptions and attitudes toward politics, government, and responsibility. I'm not likely to be a good match for someone that worked on Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign. The last one puts me in the same camp as Henry Rollins, 'nuf said. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 3:26:26 PM | I don't have "set" questions either; but If I were to ask the three most important, these would be what I'd ask and why:
1. What is your biggest passion and why?
If a person has something they truly value and can really decompress or energize (or both) in, they are someone who is not sort of "floating" along, unsure of who they are outside of a couple.
2. Are you a giver, a receiver, or someone equally comfortable with both?
oftentimes receivers can be slightly selfish and "takers" and sometimes those who are only givers can almost be controlling, if they are not willing to let you give back. I am very much a giver, but I believe in give and take. If it is one person setting the rules on which is being done or one being passive and entitled while the other did all the spoiling, it wouldn't be a good fit. I very much appreciate those comfortable doing both.
3. Would you call yourself someone who can trust?
The ones who say definitively no, and say they are unsure they will ever be able to be in a relationsihp with anyone of any substance because they were so burned are going to be tough. Because of some pretty intense armor; they are closed; and they will possibly never open themselves enough to trust to be in anything but the most surface of relationships; because a relationship (even a dating one) can't exist without trust being present; and a person who is that guarded will never allow themselves any emotional intimacy or vulnerability; which will make it tough for the two to ever connect. If they say it is difficult, that is different; because it means they might try; but those who say they don't ever want to go down that road again; I'd be compassionate, but I could not try and build a bridge when distrust is the dragon guarding the moat.
The last is my biggest one. I know what it is to have trust broken. But I also know life is meant to be lived; even if it's scary sometimes; because easier and comfortable is not always the best. Living at 100% on all phases is living. It's all good. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 3:34:28 PM | I personally don't have any set questions. I like to let the conversation flow.
I'll often be really truthful about my situation and see how it flies and see if she can handle the truth.
I also try not to do the 'meet for a coffee' thing and instead try to do non-traditional date stuff like going for a bike ride or Go Karting or something else.
And I might also set up interesting situations to see what the reaction is... like going for a bike ride that just happens to pass by a nude beach...  | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 5:35:41 PM | For example if a woman is a vegetarian, it tells me that we are not likely to be a good match, both on a food level and because vegetarianism is in my experience and opinion highly correlated with more liberal political views.
I typically get that vegetarians try to convince others to adjust their diets. As if it is a religion. One could probably gather a politic about diet but I think you have to learn more about the person which a lot of people prefer to discuss after they believe they have an idea about compatibility. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 5:59:06 PM | What's the last book you read or what book are you currently reading? If the dude isn't a reader, it's a complete non-starter.
How do you feel about AC/DC? If you get me, you get them.
What do you like to do when you're alone? I want to know if this guy is someone I can not just talk to but also be silent with. I couldn't be silent with my ex. He wanted my constant undivided attention.
I read a great quote in a book: I can't imagine anything lonlier than spending the rest of my life with someone I can't talk to, or worse, someone I can't be silent with. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 6:05:34 PM | Questions?... Wow... how boring...
I guess I am more like the observer. Like mentioned above, I read the non verbal clues.
I also am a good listener and I am not afraid of silence.
It is amazing how people get very uncomfortable with silence. I guess I love to just watch rather than make noises with my vocal cords...
I always find that sometimes, the more the person talks too many details reach my ears and I am just not receptive.
I guess... everything is small doses.
I also learned that if the person does not ask me questions in return, and only talks abaout themselves then it is a huge red flag... I mean, sharing IS a two way street.
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 6:50:08 PM | Interesting there is a lot of isight and wisdom being posted here about communication. I particularly like the fact that 97% of communication is non-verbal. This is true there is ot exageration in that statement.
Now we look at how online dating is practiced, generally the searcher looks at a one dimensional picture that may or may not be accurate or current, you read a one dimensional profile which may or may not have effort put into it, then send an email.
The recipient receives an email and immediately goes to view the picture to see if reading the profile is worthwhile, then they read the profile if the picture works for them, if the profile works THEN they will ready the email, if the email is something more than a sexual picture or "Hi how are you?", then they will think about responding to it and maybe put some thought into it.
The original sender will get a response and it will go back and forth and maybe in a week or so the phone calls will start, then a few more weeks and you might get a physical meet. And that is where 97% of the communication will take place.
Wow, we keep doing this why?
Bill | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 7:19:30 PM | I like to ask things like what is your most embarrassing moment?
You both can laugh at each others answers.
What was the last thing you did for someone? and when?
I am very unselfish and want an unselfish man.
How old are your kids? Do you see them often?
Family is important. My ex, his wife and myself show up for family get togethers my kids plan. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 6/22/2009 7:35:25 PM | | Sounds like a job interview to me, that would be a turn off to me to be asked to answer questions like that. What ever happened to just having fun and finding out about each other in a normal way? Honestly, I would walk out a man who did that to me. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/19/2009 5:59:33 PM | 1. What song makes you happy every time you hear it?
2. What food makes you think of your childhood the most?
3. Is there one moment in time in your life that you'd freeze frame and do over?
Eh, I like random...what can I say? I think if you're really conversing, you don't need a list, but silly stuff tells me personality. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/19/2009 6:08:30 PM |
Sooooo...I'm guessing you completely missed the part about weaving these types of thoughts into the conversation?
Yeah...usually happens with shortsighted people.
Cool!
Nobody even had to ask you a question before you acted like a schmuck. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/19/2009 7:10:21 PM |
What are your critical "Three Questions"?
I don't care why a woman and her ex aren't together. I'm only getting one side of the story anyway, so the accuracy is rather questionable and even themost far fetched story could really be true. I could play 20 questions for cxonsistency, but I'd be pissed of at that kind of questioning, so I wouldn't do that. I think the second question sounds like something Dr, Phil would tell people to ask, i.e., it sounds cliche and trite. If I were asked that question, I'd either tell the person to get lost or I'd tell her I went out and got laid. As for the third question, I'd be tempted to just make up the name of a philosopher and a few references and then express my amazement that she had never heard of him before (or even better would be if she acted like she had). I'm here because it's a fairlt easy way to meet women, not because my love life has been a failure or y life hasn't turned out like it planned. I di not want to deal with someone who is going to be quizzing me with self-help book questions. I don't have a critical three questions. I simply terminate any conversation that I don't like, for whatever reason I don't like it. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/19/2009 7:25:53 PM | People give themselves away, so I typically do not have to ask asinine questions to gather what my heart and mind know.
BTW:
I have gone out with a guy who had custody of 1 kid, and zero custody of the other 2, and yeah he did b---h about his ex and child support, but he never missed a payment. He loved his kids, and he just hated that instead of being able to give it the kids to make sure his ex would not waste the money on herself (which she did) he could only give it to her to dole out. It was distasteful of how every other month she would demand more, (but would not keep a job) , and yet both kids (who were almost full grown being 16-18) were out of school, and one had become a baby mom (he wanted to shoot his daughter after that, but instead did not go to the forced wedding). He did what he had to do, and him and I are still good friends.
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/19/2009 8:02:01 PM | When a relationship progresses to the point I'm ready to have more than frivilous conversation, I have only one question.
Do you mind if I run a background check?
Sigh...no wonder I date just for fun. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/20/2009 4:08:02 PM | Who in their right minds would ask these questions in the way you guys phrased them early on in the dating scene? These are questions you might ask a job applicant not the person you are out on a first date with.
Personally I would answer the first questions expecting for you to say "ah gotcha this is all one big joke" but would walk right out once I realize the second question is also interview type. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/20/2009 4:18:35 PM | | I agree bit wierd having all these set questions doesn't say much for your imagination, communication skills or individual interest in the other person if you apply same 3 questions to everyone, jeez just take it as it comes | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/20/2009 6:04:28 PM | I agree with asking about the past relationship, to see what reaction you get. Mind you I do not care to hear all about it. I just open the question up enough just to see how they respond, words they use etc. I gravitate closer to those who show no hostility towards their ex, but in fact respect.
Because this gives me a very good indication of what type of guy he is. If he can talk about her without calling her names I respect that, but when they start bashing I listen but then when they aren't looking I RUN..................
K my top 3 ?'s right off the bat....
1) [u]How long they have been single and the longest relationship they had[/u]. I stay clear of one's who are freshly out of a relationship, a year single is perfect. I am nobody's rebound....and I prefer men who tend to have long term relationships then the one's who have never had one!!
2) [u] If they have kids I want to learn about their relationship[/u]. Again I gravitate towards the one's who see their kids often. The relationship with their kids shows a lot about what type of guy they are. Family is important to me....and that includes the kids!!
3) [u] Goals, hobbies, what they do for fun [/u]. I like to see where they are mentally. If they are strong minded, still a teenager hanging out with friends all the time getting drunk, goal oriented or lazy....I much prefer ppl who like to do a varity of things but I stay clear of the beach bums...
And that about sums it up....through these top 3 I gain enough knowledge to know if I am interested or not!! | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/20/2009 6:38:35 PM | People! Its not a job interview! Its a date! Its supposed to be fun.
Hunestly, people will reveal themselves to you naturally and when they're ready.
Do you all bring index cards with you? | |
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