| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/20/2009 6:53:21 PM | I don't have a set script that I follow. I'm generally a "need to know" kinda girl and only ask questions if something in the conversation sparks one. I am not evaluating every date for long-term potential on the first date. Some could say that I'm here because my "picker was bad" but I'd beg to differ. I was married for 18 years and lived with my ex for 4 years before we were married. Although over those 22 years, we grew in different directions, no one can tell me that my life didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. I had a great marriage for a long time. I'm still great friends with my ex. I have two wonderful sons as a result of that marriage. I have a great job and I'm happy. Would I like to find someone to share my life with? Sure, but because I don't have that does not mean that my life isn't how I want it to be.
So, for the questions...if one comes to my mind naturally, I'll ask it. If one doesn't, I'm not asking questions. I've even had dates tell me to ask them a question, and generally, I tell them I will if I think of one. I am terrible with manufactured scripts. I'm more of a spontaneous person. It doesn't take long for me to figure out that someone isn't a fit for me just through regular conversation. Someone else answered that she just listens to the person because she learns a lot that way...I agree with that 100%. People are constantly showing you who they are if you just watch and listen. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/20/2009 7:31:16 PM | Typical - farceur being brilliant:
Being asked those three questions would tell me what I needed to know.
Guess what? When you just listen, and let people talk, they will tell you exactly who they are, what they need and what they offer. If people aren't talking to you it's because you aren't listening. Listening is a provocative act that compels people to reveal themselves. It's usually in the questions people ask that they tell you the most about themselves.
I agree that coming in with a set list of three questions that you ask to any date announces your own issues, assumptions, values. To show that you value playfulness, as in Abelian's questions, is probably the best you can really do with a fixed set of questions (particularly given the crucial importance of skillful kissing - thread on the kiss out there somewhere).
Go with the flow of the conversation and if there is no flow, just go . . . | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/20/2009 8:41:10 PM | Comments:
I am flattered and deeply touched when a man shares with me, of his own volition, past painful experiences. I know he must trust me when he reveals to me matters he does not usually discuss.
Never could I be intrusive with a potential love interest. We will, in a natural exchange of feelings and principals, tell each other all we need to know.
By this time I have determined that he is someone I would like to get close to; his actions have let me know he feels the same.
There need never be intrusive grilling of the sort you have proposed OP.
It would suit you well to heed all that you’ve heard here for you are way off base.
Not one of your questions would garner insight into another; rather they make you appear superficial and, quite frankly, boring. If you understood just a bit of human nature you would know the sort of dialogue you propose is meaningless in an interview setting; persons, would more than likely, tell you what they think you want to hear. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/20/2009 9:33:11 PM | Y'kno...I think you guys need to go back and re-read the OP. Nowhere was this was projected to be a job-interview, formal, stilted questionnaire type of interaction.
These are precepts...the basis of the type of karma that I want to get to know. Someone who stumbles upon and maintains happiness, good karma, through their entire life, are lucky but few. Most of us have been knocked about a bit...many are out in the dating world. Maybe the ship did right itself just fine, but again, a lucky few. Many unhappy, sad, desperate, scared, settling people are willing to invest months of time in putting on their party manners, in pretending to be someone they're not...
...And for months you've emotionally invested of yourself...and for all of us, time is precious...both the time getting involved and the time recovering from it.
So while it seems overly analytical to have genres of thoughts you'd like to understand...along with a million other little things we're wondering and asking about every day, knowing someone has a healthy attitude toward relationships...both their past as well as preparing themselves for the future...is one of the best things I believe we can do for the partner we have yet to meet. After all, I doubt if many of us are single now because we had too good a relationship...too much communication...
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/21/2009 6:37:18 AM | I don't have a set questions I feel I need to get through on a first date. For me, it's more about the general flow that let's me know how compatible we are.
The questions the OP asks would send up a red flag to me because on a first date I'm concerned if the other person brings up or asks about previous relationships (especially the 2nd one which makes assumptions I'm not sure are true) and I'd wonder if the person I was with wasn't over their last relationship. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/21/2009 6:48:20 AM | 1. What do you do for a living / how do you earn your keep, so to speak?
2. How long have you been in that field/ at your current employer?
3. Do you enjoy what you do/where you work/your coworkers?
For me, these 3/6 questions tell me if the guy is self-sufficient, stable, and for the most part content. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/21/2009 6:56:55 AM | i don't have 3 questions but i have a 5-page list of interrogatories, and you will be deposed under oath in the presence of my finest and most expensive attorney. don't be late.
.................................................................................................................................. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/21/2009 7:06:51 AM | The type of karma you want to get to know OP??? Seriously?
So, let me get this straight....you will not invest any time in a woman unless she is willing, very early on in your dating experience....to tell you every detail about her past relationships and exactly why they ended?
At that point in time, do the words.....'none of your damn business' ring a bell?
Yes, there is a time and place to discuss deep topics, but that time and place is NOT on the first few dates.
So, in theory, let's say a woman you've seen a few times is actually willing to answer your intrusive questions.... I am assuming that if she has not bought out the self help section of Chapters or amazon....you aren't interested in continuing the relationship??
Unless one has read self help books, watched videos on how to become a better person or seeked professional help they are not worthy of your precious time? | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/21/2009 7:18:41 AM | I was on a date once and the guy asked me if I knew the square rt. of pi.
So I was like "oh, yeah 1.7724...wait! Why are you asking me this?" and he said "I just like to test my dates to make sure we are intellectually compatable"
And no, I never spoke to him after that... | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/21/2009 9:01:58 AM |
Y'kno...I think you guys need to go back and re-read the OP. Nowhere was this was projected to be a job-interview, formal, stilted questionnaire type of interaction.
Well, if we have misunderstood, apologies. Though in defense of all of us who read it this way, the OP does list the questions, and then gives instructions about how to listen to or push for answers, and then offers an interpretation of the length of time the discussion of the three questions might take:
To me, the beauty of these questions is this...if we're done talking about it in 3-5 minutes, I know it's a pass...we didn't talk. And if it lasts more than 20-30 minutes, then I worry either it's way more drama than I'm open to...or worse, they're hiding something behind a lot of rationalizations.
If, on the other hand, what you are trying to get at in this thread is that you feel it is important to know early on whether a person has learned from their relationship history. Sure. Agreed. Absolutely. And to weave your questions into a conversation, to listen for the answers in the way the person talks -- sure, can be good ways to get to know about a person's emotional maturity.
That the conversation might slip into interview mode is, as this thread shows if it shows anything, a real and present danger!!! | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/21/2009 10:02:04 AM |
As most of us are here because our life hasn't turned out exactly as we'd wanted...when you're first communicating with someone...
...After the "Party Manners"
...After the initial "Hmmmm, this could get interesting"
...What do you do/say/ask/expect to hear to help you best understand if the other person and yourself are on the same wavelength?
Ok, once I think "this could get interesting" it would likely be after the first or second date. At that point I think it's fair to ask them about
1) past relationships and what they would do different if they had an opportunity to do it all over again.
2) what is it about me that they find interesting enough to go on a 3rd date with me.
3)how do they approach money: on a scale of 1-10 are they spenders or savers and how do they spend their $.
These questions let them know what is important to me and I would be very happy to answer the same Q's. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/21/2009 11:04:14 AM | Asking why a past relationship failed? You're only going to hear one side of it, and it seems to me most people can justify (at least in their own minds) why it failed.
I don't just jump with these questions...I let them flow in, but I do like to know how long ago was your last relationship? And how many times they've been married. I'll ususally ask those before we meet for the first time. | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/21/2009 11:12:47 AM | I just read the OP's post...and nothing after that.
But I would see the original 3 questions asked as part of an interview
process and that to me is one of the worst parts of internet dating. I work
at a popular bookstore with a cafe and we can usually pick out the people
having interviews. I almost expect to see index cards or check lists or something.
I lose interest if I feel like I'm being interviewed. I think you can find out everything
you need to know for a second date just by talking.
I think anyone that needs to know EVERYTHING about you within the first
30 minutes of meeting has more problems than I'm willing to deal with.
But that's just my opinion....whatever works and doesn't chase people away I guess.
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/21/2009 10:40:03 PM |
The type of karma you want to get to know OP??? Seriously?
So, let me get this straight....you will not invest any time in a woman unless she is willing, very early on in your dating experience....to tell you every detail about her past relationships and exactly why they ended? That's not what was said...not even close...raising a question does not require someone tell every detail about their past...and yes, 'none of your damn business' is a good answer for some people. But to me, if someone has not emotionally dealt with the end of their past relationship...and they become angry and defensive like some posters here, it would make me slow down...a lot. Not everybody is ready for a relationship...maybe they're not completely over the last one, but if there is an angry, hostile karma about this, then probably not somebody I want to be with. And yes, the time IS in the first 3-5 dates...ideally before you sleep together...and certainly before people are going to be hurt if things don't work out.
So, in theory, let's say a woman you've seen a few times is actually willing to answer your intrusive questions.... I am assuming that if she has not bought out the self help section of Chapters or amazon....you aren't interested in continuing the relationship??
Unless one has read self help books, watched videos on how to become a better person or seeked professional help they are not worthy of your precious time? Again...massive OCD behavior. The question was WHAT...NOT How Much. And in some cases it may have just been "I have a really good network of friends and we talked about a lot of things". Again, your perception.
Well, if we have misunderstood, apologies. Though in defense of all of us who read it this way, the OP does list the questions, and then gives instructions about how to listen to or push for answers, and then offers an interpretation of the length of time the discussion of the three questions might take: Noooo...I discussed an idea that we all probably have some questions we're more curious about...and here are my three and how/what they are relevant to me...that's all. I know some people who are interested in financial security...heck, I think this kind of discovery is far more interesting than every frickin date somebody wanting to start discussing jobs...heck, I won't even talk about jobs and work till after several dates...I'm trying to learn about the girl first.
If, on the other hand, what you are trying to get at in this thread is that you feel it is important to know early on whether a person has learned from their relationship history. Sure. Agreed. Absolutely. And to weave your questions into a conversation, to listen for the answers in the way the person talks -- sure, can be good ways to get to know about a person's emotional maturity. BINGO ! ! ! Give this girl a cupie doll ! ! ! Exactly the point
That the conversation might slip into interview mode is, as this thread shows if it shows anything, a real and present danger!!! Valid point...and in conversations with new people in which things aren't starting so well, inability to have easy, flowing conversation is major red flag...and one which should be heeded. If topic areas such as these create a lot of concern, then yeah, we probably have a bigger problem...and how much time do you want to invest with somebody in which things aren't starting off well.
Good Lord, OP, I wouldn't want to date you! That sounds more like a psychological screening than a date! Whew...I feel the same way 'bout you...but I'm going to refrain from telling you why. And really now...isn't that what dating web sites are...are psychological screening first...you've got all these people writing what they would like to be true about themselves...and they leave it up to you to decide if they are telling the truth. Yeah...like that happens all the time. Sorry grumpy, but I prefer partners that are real.
Ok, once I think "this could get interesting" it would likely be after the first or second date. At that point I think it's fair to ask them about
1) past relationships and what they would do different if they had an opportunity to do it all over again.
2) what is it about me that they find interesting enough to go on a 3rd date with me.
3)how do they approach money: on a scale of 1-10 are they spenders or savers and how do they spend their $.
These questions let them know what is important to me and I would be very happy to answer the same Q's. Good ones...makes sense...easy to talk about or defer as the situation warrants.
Asking why a past relationship failed? You're only going to hear one side of it, and it seems to me most people can justify (at least in their own minds) why it failed. Not the point...we all know we're only going to hear one side of it. It's how they talk about it...is it in anger, depression, melancholy, remorse, sadness, sarcasm, or hopefully some happier and comfortable emotions. Not everyone is there...not everyone can...and personally, if someone is still wrapped up emotionally with someone else...even negative emotion, isn't it really better to let them work through that...unless of course you like managing projects.
I just read the OP's post...and nothing after that.
But I would see the original 3 questions asked as part of an interview
process and that to me is one of the worst parts of internet dating. I work
at a popular bookstore with a cafe and we can usually pick out the people
having interviews. I almost expect to see index cards or check lists or something.
I lose interest if I feel like I'm being interviewed. I think you can find out everything
you need to know for a second date just by talking.
I think anyone that needs to know EVERYTHING about you within the first
30 minutes of meeting has more problems than I'm willing to deal with.
But that's just my opinion....whatever works and doesn't chase people away I guess. Sorry to hear that...sounds like a somewhat jaded view of how good conversations and communications can be. I'm sure you see lots of hopeful and scared faces come through the door and watch the uncomfortable initial attempts...uggghhhh, I can't help but believe most people would perceive things in that way. I guess I just think more of people. I can honestly say I've only ever had 1 bad first date...the rest have all been good...doesn't mean we hit it off, we go out and have some fun, play a bit, talk, feel each other out. Dating should be fun...and if you can't talk positively, confidently, on topics such as these within a very few dates, are you building a house of cards with your heart?
:123:
WHEW...never did a response that long before...typos and all
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/21/2009 11:04:39 PM |
So tell me, what happened to your marriage/(relationship) that you are no longer together?
He stole a towel and never called me again.
What have you specifically researched, planned for and did to help yourself since the last relationship ended?
I bought new towels
What are some of the most influential materials (books, videos, counseling, etc., etc.) you found to help you really be the person you want to be found by others?
Southpark DVDs | |
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| Three questions that tell me a lot...very quickly...
Posted: 7/21/2009 11:21:11 PM | I would suggest that the analogy of these "dates aka meets" being like a job interview, would lead me to believe that the applicant can be trained in the art of passing the interview stage... and somewhat easily if they are at all astute and well versed.
SO... that said, you would need to throw in completely random and rediculous questions to take these applicants off their scripts and see if they sweat. Some possible questions might be;
If you were faced with the choice of saving a cat or a dog from a burning building, Would you choose A; The Autumn Equinox or B; The Vernal Equinox to dispose of the carcass of the one you didn't save?
If your mother called while you were entertaining guests and you knew she would go on and on with her usual verbal diarreah, would you A; Spank a stepchild or B; Play the bango?
Say a random stranger came upon you, would you wipe it off? | |
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