How Do I Get Over Her and Everything Free Dating, Singles and Personals

How Do I Get Over Her and Everything Posted: 7/10/2009 8:55:28 PM
Matt..... I went through what you went through. Here is my story a little....and see if you can relate to any of it. (sorry... this is long) Was with a girl for 7 years. It was great. Went all over the world with her, etc. But after a while... it became a really good friendship and the romance was gone. So one day, I met another girl through work (will call her J). When I met J, I felt an instant connection, and I mean INSTANT. It was amazing...she seemed to be exactly what I was looking for. We got to know each other and I ended up breaking it off with my long term girlfriend. J and I started dating and the passion was amazing. Oh my gosh... we went everywhere and did everything. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had met someonet that completely matched me like never before. I fell in love with her. I didn't just love her, but I fell IN LOVE with her. Fast forward about a year and my work took a turn for the worse. It was stressful and I had to work crazy hours just to keep the job (financial industry and the company was tanking). Well.. what I did not know is that J had become very attached and me not spending as much time with her for about a week really affected her. A couple days later, I learned a horrible thing. The one night that I went to my brothers house for a visit, she was upset and went out with a roommate to just grab some dinner. This roommate proceeded to get her drunk (and I mean beyond drunk to the point that he almost had to carry her back to her room) and when they got home.... he proceeded to have sex with her. She woke up in the morning, felt bad and went back to her room. Next day, her and I spent the day together, had an amazing night making love and I was happy. The day after that, my mom was in the hospital and I had to go visit her. I could not go over to visit J, so what did she do? The roommate gave her some wine, they talked and he said why don't they have sex for the heck of it again. So they did. And then a day later, they did it one more time. I found out about it all really soon after when I saw an email of her describing how horrible the roommate was at sex, she made fun of him and his male anatomy and how small it was and so on, so on so on. In her email she described how she realised she loved me when she was with this roommate. I was mortified. I died inside and could not believe it. I confronted her and even though she had a really hard time saying sorry... she appeared to regret it. Instead of leaving her on the spot, which is what I should have done... I decided to work on the relationship... give it a chance. Unfortunately, I had some really religious friends that told me to "forgive"....and so I tried. But there were basics she just did not get. For example.. I told her to remove this guy from her myspace page...and she did not see why she needed to do that. I did not want her living there anymore and she said it's no big deal. Of course, if I had done something like that with a girl... OH BOY!!! It bothered me that she had no concept of what was right or wrong, or what actions of hers really hurt. Anyhow... she moved out of there 5 months later and into a new place. Things were better. But, like life, nothing is perfect. another 6 months after that and she went to visit a cousin who was older (almost 40) and they were going to have a girls weekend. Later, I learned that during this girls weekend... this cousin of her's was trying to whore her out to a 25 year old horny guy that was visiting from the east coast. Long story but basically, the cousin got J drunk, put her in a room...and told this young guy to "go get it". J had enough sense not to do anything.. but the next day, the guy got her drunk again and they all went to a concert where she was flashing her boobs, dancing and grinding with the guy and then holding hands with him all weekend. Funny thing is, we made amazing love right before she went out there for the weekend and right when she came back. Well.. I learned about it again a week later because of her myspace page and pictures on her cousins page. I called the guy too.... and he mentioned that J NEVER told him she had a boyfriend. Not once. To me, that was cheating again. Even though she had not slept with him... she emotionally cheated by not telling him she had a boyfriend, by holding hands, etc. I confronted her about it and she treated it as "it was no big deal, nothing happened". So... did I break up? Nope. I was too in love with her. Decided to work on it. Decided to keep going. A month later, she posted a picture of that weekend, where the guy is right behind her, on her own myspace page with the caption "AWESOME WEEKEND" under it. Seriously?? I mean.... where was the common sense? If I had cheated and then posted "AWESOME WEEKEND" on a picture of me and some chick and posted it on my page.... I would not be alive today. But to her, it made no sense why I was upset. So yeah... I had a battle between the mind and the heart. My mind hated the things she did. My heart loved her. Stupid! I kept going. She was the sweetest girl and boy, did we have some amazing times. Her body was to die for. Her cute smile can melt iceburgs. Her eyes captivated me. We could never get enough of each other. We held hands ALLLLL the time, made love like rabbits. She wanted to marry me. She wanted to have kids. She wanted to move in with me and hated that I had not asked her to move in already. Fact is, I wanted her to move in. I wanted her near me. I wanted to wake up with her every morning and go to sleep with her every night... but a part of me knew that I also needed to see her be responsible and mature and not do these things that hurt so bad. I dont think moving in cures anything at all... marriage definitely does not cure anything. So, I wanted to see her step up first, and then move in. But, I gave in. I asked her to move in and we were set to live together. Then, I noticed that she was talking to some guy a lot, an old ex who was married but kept asking her to go have sex with him anyhow. I was upset and told her that the friendship with this guy had run it's course that if we are to start a new live together, she had to put that friendship away. Be done with it. It simply was NOT appropriate (he was having sexual conversations with her, asking her to descibe things, compare sex partners, etc). She got upset... and a bad argument took place She left and I felt bad.. but I had to stick to my guns. A week later, we "broke up". I figured we needed a cooling off period and maybe she would think about things. Well... as fate would have it... one day I had a property manager at my house discussing things and J came over unexpectedly. She heard a womans voice and went NUTS!! She was pounding on the door and ringing the bell, etc. The property manager wanted to leave.. and opened the door. J accosted her, called her names and went balistic. It was nuts!!!! She stormed in and was so upset. She was telling me she still had hope, still thought of me, still wanted to be with me and work on things and be together. We talked a lot that night and for a moment... my heart was winning. It wanted her too. She asked if she could move in still. She wanted to start a family and I said yes... .but I still needed to see her act her age and ditch the friendship with the guy that was extremely inappropriate. Also, she was going back home to the east coast (where the guy lived) to visit with her family for a couple weeks.... and I told her that she can move in after she comes back, not before. I told her that I needed to know that I could trust her, that she would not hang out with that guy, not see him, be faithful and honest. Also, the reason is that I did not want to just be "storage" for her stuff while she did whatever she wanted. Anyhow... she was mad again.. flew off the handle and walked out. That weekend, she flew home to visit her folks. I did not hear from her. What happened later? She came back with a boyfriend. LOL While she was there, she ran into an old highschool boyfriend that she had not spoken to in over 15 years. He was drooling over her and wanted to sleep with her... and they hooked up. He was in his 30's, just got kicked out of his moms house, had no place to live, had an 8 year old daughter, was divorced and had no job.... but he wanted to sleep with her and to her, I guess that meant the world. She came back to California and he followed soon after. He moved in with her (of course... he had no other place to go). On her silly myspace, she was posting tons of pics about how they are in love, blah blah blah. Yes, it was crushing. She went from wanting to move in with me, getting married, having kids - and practically begging me for all that...................to having some other guy move in with her within two weeks. :) Talk about HURT!!! I had nobody and yeah, it sucked. I was plaqued day and night about thoughts of her and I. What I could have done different. About how maybe I should have given in more, not stuck to my principles as much. I thought how now I could be the one sleeping next to her and not this other dude. I thought about it all... and it really really really brought me down. Hard. My job sucked too, I did not have any more friends in the area (um... nobody liked her, they all thought she was bad news for me) and totally alone. I felt like the world was ending. Like there was just no point. She went from loving me and wanting me....... to having this other guy move in, and now I get to see all the kissing pictures on myspace. :) But then I realised something. I read about a lot of things and I am actually glad that I am not with her. Even though I remember all the good and she was extremely drop dead beautiful, she was sexy, she was fun and I loved being with her.... I knew that in the long run, it would have been misery. She needed physicall approval from guys. She had a crappy childhood and because of that, she absolutely needed to feel like she was adored and wanted by men. It is why she allowed herself to cheat on me with that roommate. I was busy and she felt neglected for a day...and he was drooling over her and wanted her. To her, that meant the world. It is why she cheated again at the concert by holding hands with this guy and not mentioning she had a boyfriend. This guy half her age was drooling over her and she liked it. It is also exactly why she hooked up with this new boyfriend so fast. We were in an argument, I stuck to my guns as far as what I wanted from her (maturity, loyalty and respect) and here was a new guy, drooling over her, wanting to have sex with her, complimenting her and willing to move out here for her - and that seemed easier. So it was an instant relationship, she had an instant boyfriend and that was that. I kept thinking about how he was now having sex with her every night. Kissing her every day. Talk about feeling rejected!!! It sucked!!! It ate away at me to the point that almost nothing was left. When I fell in love with her, it was unconditional and that is why I kept forging it all in the past. But, in time, I learned something. I looked back on all the emails and thought about everything that went on. She had Borederline Personality Disorder (BPD). It explained everything and the more I thought about it, the luckier I feel. It explained everything she did, every argument and every fear I had of what she was like and what she would do in the future. I have nothing but love for her still and I know that this relationship is not going to be good for her either... but that can't be my responsibility any more. I know him and he is using her, but she doesn't see it. To her, the fact that he wanted to move in meant the world to her... and so it works, for now. :) But I researched and read a lot about this condition. It sounds like your ex had the same thing. The fact that she told you that she never loved you in all that time, is not true. She did... but it is their coping method. She also needed a way to get over the relationship and that is definitely one way. You are a nice guy, so you internalize it and you feel the pain. But her, she threw it your way, insulted you and made you feel like crap - but it was just her way of dealing with the guilt and her own issues. My ex did the same thing. After she cheated the first time, she had a very hard time saying sorry. She did not want to feel guilty or that she did anything wrong...and at one point... she did tell me that too. She said that maybe she never loved me and that was why she was able to sleep with the roommate. I walked away. A while later, she came over and said sorry for saying that. I asked her why she said it and if she really meant it.....and she said no. She just said it because she felt crappy for what she did and between feeling crappy and justifying it - she chose to justify it by saying what she did. But she did not mean it. So your ex has said that not to really hurt you.... but to clear her mind, to make herself feel better, to make it easier on herself. Imagine if you have a great car you love. Or a job. It's the best thing ever. Then one day, it blows up, or you get fired. What do people say??? "Oh well, I didn't care for that car anyhow" Or " Whatever, I hated that job anyhow". Same thing. It makes YOU feel better by saying it..... at the expense of the person you are saying it about. She was selfish and if you were still together, you would have had to deal with that your whole life. Right now, it does not make sense and none of this will help the pain... but it is true. Go to these websites (BPDCentral.com & bpd411.org) and read more about this. Trust me, it gets better with time.... it just sucks that for now, we tend to remember the good stuff only and forget the bad. Stupid brain. :) What you need to do is kick yourself in the ass. Know that for now, it will hurt.. it will suck... but it will pass. There ARE other girls out there. When you write them, or email them... you have to sound positive. You can not let your depression come across in your emails. Girls will pick up on that... and run. Nobody wants baggage. So deal with yours. Read about Borderline Personality Disorder and know that you are lucky and maybe better off. No offense to your ex and she may have been a great gal..... I know that mine definitely was. I fell in love with her, that's for sure. I would have spent my life with her.... but it would have been difficult and not fulfilling. So deal with this, fight the battle, think about stuff... and then start pulling yourself out of the hole. It's hard to look towards the future and think positive thoughts and all that stupid mumbo jumbo.... but you have to. Killing yourself is stupid. Don't do it. If you think that by doing that you will finally show her how much you loved her and she will finally realize what she has lost and feel bad.......... it's not true. Some people simply do not have it in them to feel guilty or bad. Call it a defense mechanism they have or whatever... but it will not phase her. I know when I broke up with my ex and then she hooked up with the other guy so quickly, I had doubts whether or not I should have let her go and so I did go there once to get my stuff. I thought if she saw me one more time, she would realize what she felt, that she loved me, etc.... and we would talk. Maybe something magical would happen and it would all fall into place. Nope. It does not work. So don't do anything because you think it will send a message to her or that she will finally love you. She has massive issues, just like mine (not that we all don't) and you just need to find someone who's issues blend better with your issues. :) If you need to chat... let me know. email me at dream2reality2004 on yahoo