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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 12:08:36 AM |
haven't read all the way through this thread - I think I'd become a bit annoyed at the abuse towards "men like me"! So this isn't just a reply to JackeeF's post. I am one of "those" men who tends to "avoid" (for lack of better word) single mothers. I am 30yo, have never been married due to a number of personal reasons (not least my work commitments), I have no children. My aversion to women with children from previous relationships, does basically come down to the fact that I do want to be #1 on occasion, and the only thing I'd want to supplant me as #1 are my own children. I think that's pretty natural really. I understand and accept that will never be the case with a woman who has children from a previous relationship - so why should I bother pursuing it? I would like to be able to go out to a restaurant on a whim without having to worry about babysitters, I would rather go to a hotel and enjoy some peace and quiet without having to worry about children... the list goes on.. Of course now I'm going to be damned as some horrible, selfish, immature, child hater. I'm nothing of the sort, I love my niece and nephew to bits, but there is a very big difference in my mind about dealing with these things when they are MY children, to when they are someone elses. Now I see that as quiet a natural male thing to be honest, I'm not saying it's right, but I would rather accept that it MAY be a problem and avoid the situation, than pretending everything was going to be okay and mess someone (and their children) around. I can't help but see that someone with a child from a previous relationship, male or female, has made a pretty big choice in their life. Having a child is, to me, the biggest commitment you can ever make - it is truly lifelong. Making and sharing that commitment to someone who I'm in love with is one thing; picking it up and putting it down on the off-chance a relationship may work is something I'm not willing to do. I wouldn't sign into a mortage with someone who I'd been on a few dates with.... and in my mind a child is a far bigger commitment than that. I've chatted to women on plentyoffish who I have been totally honest about my aversion to dating someone with children, and while I would have liked to have continued a friendship, then received nothing but abuse and, frankly, rudeness. I have never judged, nor made comment upon the situation or relationship that they had a child from, simply that it was an issue to me with regards to a relationship. I'm finding it pretty difficult now, as I think I'm a pretty decent guy ( ), and I'm never anything but honest about this topic - which limits my possible pool of dates by quite a lot now I've reached this age! What amazes me is that it seems that people have the opinion that a child is "no big deal" - well it is. You don't have a child on a whim, as a fashion accessory, as something to do because you're bored. It's a lifelong commitment. And I (and other guys like me) are demonised for accepting and understanding that fact and taking the view that, you know, we'd just rather make that commitment when we have our own children rather than some ready-made ones. (awaits the replies of hate!) :)
This is the kind of reply I was hoping to hear. Someone who is actually truthful about the reasons men won't date single mothers. I thank you for respecting me as a single mother, and being able to share your opinion as well. Many of the posts on this forum are manipulating, aggresive, rude, mean, and downright oncalled for. I tend to take offense from people who automatically put me into a stereotype without getting to know me. I am not going to reply with hate at all. Your post was well written and has changed my opinion on why men run when they find out I have a child. When I find someone who is emotionally comfortable with the fact that I have a son, I hope he realizes everything you have put into perspective. I have kept playing the part of why me? why me? I have failed to realize the amount of responsibility that comes with having a child. Thank you for your truthful and respectful opinion.
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 1:03:08 AM |
I think all men need to ask themselves a question!
What would it have been with out a stepdad?
What if no one wanted my mother because of me?
What if you were the child of a single mother, would you want men to think of you and run?
Oh, and a man really loves you it will be unconditional and he will put up with any drama, kids, good times and bad, and still love you! As, you will also do for him, if you really Love him!
A new relationship does not usually start with love. If the he or she was your friend first, and they want to date you, they already know about your children and have accepted it and may love you in spite of that. Big difference.
Answers to the questions from a woman:
1. It would have been 1/3 less abusive without a stepdad. It would have been much better for me without all the men who dated my mom.
2. I wouldn't have cared. I wasn't interested in finding my mother a new lover, and I'm still not.
3. I was the child of a single mother, and wished all men had thought of me and ran. | |
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 2:27:16 AM | Oh - and in response to those three questions....
My parents are still together - but, my mother had a child from a previous relationship and I have VERY vivid memories of my dad and half-brother (11 years older than me) fighting like crazy. I wouldn't want to go through that. They both get on great now, and my brother than I are closer than many full brother are, but I wouldn't want to go through what my dad went though, or cause the emotions in a child that my brother obviously felt - though I fully accept that there was equal blame on both sides. | |
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 2:45:05 AM | Actually, as a single dad myself, I only date women who have children themselves.
And of course, the reason I am a single dad, is that I took responsibility for my daughter, and fought tooth and nail to remove her from the unstable, drama filled environment that was life with her mother.
And now she is happily settled at an excellent school, is registered as gifted and talented in Literature and Science.
Funnily enough, I'm still single. Seems those yummy mummys who have kids themselves don't seem too keen on a single dad, they want single men without kids....
Strange, that.... | |
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 10:37:44 AM | | ^^^^ See that is something I don't understand. If you don't have the patience to parent someone else's child, than how do you expect men to help with yours? If you are willing to date men with children than how can you expect any man to date you? | |
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 10:54:43 AM |
^^^^ See that is something I don't understand. If you don't have the patience to parent someone else's child, than how do you expect men to help with yours? If you are willing to date men with children than how can you expect any man to date you?
Maybe she is not expecting the man to parent her child, she is doing that. I've heard other people with children say the same thing, but it is because blended families are difficult, the children don't always get along. | |
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 1:14:37 PM | | ^^^^ Than what is the point of having a separated family? If you are in a loving committed relationship than blending the families is what should happen. The stepdad is going to have to assume some kind of responsibility with the child eventually. I don't want a man in my son's life if I don't think its going to work out. If you are with a man for 5 years and you both have different children from previous relationships, if you live together than your role as a stepparent will have to come into play sometime. It can't be her raising her kids and him raising his because than the children will most definately fight. If both parents have the same set of parenting standards and rules that are laid out early in the relationship, than I don't see the problem. If your views different than that is what compromise is all about. | |
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 1:22:37 PM |
If you are with a man for 5 years and you both have different children from previous relationships, if you live together than your role as a stepparent will have to come into play sometime
The problem is, most single moms have the mantra, "my kids don't need another father" or a variation of that... the upshot being they won't tolerate a man being in a position of discipline or anything... They feel that it is their job and the man should and I quote some postings on it "Butt out"....
Then they wonder why the relationships don't work... | |
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 2:49:32 PM | | ^^^^ Who are "they"? All of the single mothers I know including myself would enjoy another man's opinon on how to raise children. If they have any suggestions or tips on how to raise our children better than why not? I know a lot of the times my ex would tell me stop worrying about my son, he was right. Having the right amount of emotional support and similar style of parenting is what I am looking for. I have only read a couple of postings from single mothers who feel that the step father should "butt out". When it comes down to the major decisions like medical and such than the biological parent would obviously be the decision maker. | |
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 3:01:41 PM |
Who are "they"?
Try reading the forums... there are a lot of posts about it... "my baby already has a father" is a common theme...
For my own part, my G/F and I went through hell over her kids... I was not allowed to discipline the kids or have a say in whatthey did... everything I did was wrong... the kids were never wrong... I was imagining that they were trying to split us up.... finally we broke up over it... a year later, her eldest admitted they used to plan how to break us up. They were deliberately sabotaging the relationship... playing us against each other.... They only admitted it because they decided they hated her next boyfriends more than me... and realised I wasn't such a bad guy afterall... Their reason? they were jealous about the time I was spending with her....
Now her kids have moved out, we're back together.... but we went through a lot of trouble to do it... not the least of which being the relationships she had in between...
and we're still working on fallout... | |
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 3:11:29 PM | | Honestly I just would like to add to this discussion that perhaps the whole issue with some men not dating single mothers is in that same "basket of worms" with all of those men or women who prefer not to date someone of a different ethnic group, or someone is too thin or has a few extra pounds, or even something as trivial as their dialect or even political or religous ties. Perhaps it's all just a matter of preference. I never understood the arguments concerning who likes or doesnt like whatever group of people. I don't understand prejudice, but look if someone does'nt like me because my skin is darker....ok. We all have our preferences, and we all have a nice little waste basket where we draw a line and say "look I am just not attracted to these people". I say let them have their prefences. Some guys do not like to date women with children. I personally do not care either way-but that's the beauty of being human and American- Choice. | |
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 3:25:32 PM | I was thinking along the same lines as you. It just comes down to "he's not that into you". When first meeting someone I will say I have a daughter. If they choose to get to know me that is great. If it progresses, that person will see my desires and needs are only companionship. If they have preconceived drama and instability, that's on them. However, as a single parent that has been dating for six years, I also have been the one to be picky and choose not to continue seeing someone for various reasons. I think women forget that we too can make choices and as much as we remember being the one that was seen as not the right fit there are probably even more that we were inclined to throw back to the sea. My reasons may be interpreted as even more shallow than having a child. Some of them include: He can't meet me halfway financially. He just got divorced. He's too short. He's too skinny. He is too fat. He talks too much. He's needs too much attention.
Women have power too. As many times as we bring up "he's not into you" we forget the "she's not into you". We are all picky and that is what makes finally meeting someone special so perfectly wonderful.
I just returned from my best friends wedding. She is 37 with 4 girls. It was amazing! It may not be right now, but it will happen one day. :)
Good luck all! | |
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 3:30:29 PM | | Ooooo yeah. Good point. Even those mums with kids, shy away from single dads. Did no one ever see the show "Eight is Enough"? Well, it's not quite like that now is it? But when the right one comes along, it will be special. There is no better man qualified for a real full on relationship, than one who has toiled with the responsibility to raise and nurture children. So those mums who have already passed this way and prefer to hook up with fathers that have side stepped parenting responsibilities and left it to the moms they left behind, you're cycling with the same type of man you left behind or left you behind. | |
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 3:30:33 PM | I disagree with your response completely.
I feel that dating a single mother is different than dating someone without children. There are less distractions during the relationship. You don't need a babysitter everytime you go out. Personally I dont see the big deal. You take her/him as a package deal together. Try and include the kids in activities once you are at that stage. But I can also see but don't agree with men that don't want "ready made" families. These are a couple of arguements for both ways , but personally any single mothers in my area......message me anytime!! | |
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 3:32:51 PM |
^^^^ See that is something I don't understand. If you don't have the patience to parent someone else's child, than how do you expect men to help with yours? If you are willing to date men with children than how can you expect any man to date you?
I am not looking to date anyone right now.
If I were, I wouldn't belittle a man who admitted it wasn't something he was capable of doing, or something that he wanted do. I find it interesting that the same women who beg for tolerance of their situation are intolerant of someone who is only being honest.
I think that admitting that I do not have the patience to be an equal parent to someone else's child is a good reason to steer clear of a man with children.
What man would want a woman who believes she could never treat another woman's child as her own? | |
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 3:54:12 PM |
I think that admitting that I do not have the patience to be an equal parent to someone else's child is a good reason to steer clear of a man with children.
What man would want a woman who believes she could never treat another woman's child as her own?
I actually applaude you for your honesty. As for myself, I struggled with the thought of whether or not I would or could date someone with children. If they did not have custody, yes. Then I think, even if they didn't, would I? Does that make me selfish?
My son is reaching 21, so I am in the "all my kids are over 18" category. I am single and am at the point in my life where I don't want any of those added responsibilities or obligations should I ever become involved with someone who has those obligations. Because lets face it, they become yours too. But I try and keep an open mind and take things as they come. | |
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 6:10:12 PM |
Who are they? All of the single mothers I know including myself would enjoy another man's opinion on how to raise children.
Who are these mothers that m_church is referring to? I can admit I'm one of those women that doesn't want a man telling me how to raise my child. I'm 27 but I have never liked having a man tell me what to do in any aspect of my life.
I'm fully competent of raising a well-behaved child on my own. I know my daughter's needs. Why would a man presume that he knows better then me with dealing with my child? I carried her for 9 months, I gave birth to her (that is the attitude m_church is talking about)
And yes I can admit I'm guilty of having it. But when u do it on ur own u become comfortable with that. I have a very high standard of parenting that most people just are not going to meet-- my ex didn't.
similar style of parenting is what I am looking for.
kathrynbk you have already determined the parenting standards u expect. Most people do once they become parents. So even though u say u would welcome a man's opinion on how to raise ur child u will only listen if u consider it to be valuable information. Would u want a man teaching ur son its okay to talk down to a woman? Some men might think thats acceptable parenting advice are u going to listen to that?
Seriously would u just want some random guy telling u how to be a parent without him even knowing ur child? Every child is different. Even with ur own children different parenting techniques are going to work and others will fail. Parenting is a learning experience... you learn as you go and adapt along the way.
Once u have a child ur standards have to be much higher. Standards for who you date, and even for who your friends are have to become much stricter. You want to have people that are going to be a good influence around ur child and cut out the negative ones. If u expose ur child to negative influences they are going to learn those behaviors. | |
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 8:45:14 PM |
Now her kids have moved out, we're back together.... but we went through a lot of trouble to do it... not the least of which being the relationships she had in between...
and we're still working on fallout...
Do you mean fallout from the relationship she had in between? OMG she's not pregnant is she??? | |
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 9:44:44 PM | I will tell you what many men have a hard time with single moms.
I have dated ladies whose kids tend to run the house. This is bad when they're in elementary, but when they get into jr high and high school it becomes unbearable.
I would also like to meet the women who want you to tell them your ideas about raising their kids. They've been doing it their way and are happy with it. They don't want your input.
Okay ladies. here is the main reason guys have an issue especially with young boys in the household. We want the remote. We want to be the controller of it and a lot of the kids think they get to decide what to watch in the house. There are many things I can tolerate, but giving up the remote is NOT one of them. I AM NOT kidding about this either!!!
He who controls the remote rules the roost!!! | |
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/6/2009 10:24:47 PM |
Do you mean fallout from the relationship she had in between? OMG she's not pregnant is she???
No... she's not... she had her tubes tied years ago... (and regrets it very much)...
No the fallout was one of the relationships she had was with someone we both knew... he made a point of telling me and everyone we knew that he was "fcuking her regularly" as he put it.... and to top it off she found out he was screwing other women on the side which everyone else also found out... and she ended up badly humiliated. She had known him for several years longer than I had and she had trusted him as a friend... and well, it went horribly wrong for her... As it is, we still run into him in stores, bars, restaurants etc....because of the area we live is not far from his place... it makes things very awkward... as I've said before, I don't like to run into my partner's Ex lovers... so it bothers me a lot... and it's something she wants to forget...
It was not a pretty picture... | |
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| Why do men find it so difficult to date single mothers?
Posted: 7/7/2009 12:05:55 AM | I've dated single moms. There's nothing *per se* about being a single mom that drives me away. On the contrary, I have nothing but the highest respect for single moms who manage to provide a good upbringing for their kids. I can barely make it on my own salary; when I see a single mom successfully raising kids on half of what I make, I am amazed. I have nothing but respect for women who can do this. In some ways, it actually makes them MORE attractive, because that's the kind of mom I want for MY kids.
Heck, I'd go so far as to say that some of my best experiences have come from dating single moms. Pardon my French, but single moms are often refreshingly free of bullsh*t, compared to childless women. They know what they want and what they don't want and they aren't afraid to say so.
To me, the relevant question isn't "is she a single mom?" or even "will there be any baby daddy drama?" Instead, the relevant questions are:
1. How many kids are we talking about here?
If I were older and more financially secure, this might not be that big of a deal. But I'm just not at the point in my life when I can take on any more huge financial responsibilities. And kids are, quite frankly, a huge investment. I know a lot of single moms would protest: "My babies don't need another daddy!" But the fact is, if you're there, and you're married to mommy, you are going to bear some financial responsibility -- unless you want the kid(s) to grow up hating your guts. I'd love it if I were independently wealthy and could afford to rescue single moms with six kids, but that just isn't the case. If that makes me a bad person, well, so be it.
2. How many daddies are we talking about here?
This, really, is the crucial issue. If you hooked up with one guy, and he turned out to be an assh*le who left you with a mountain of responsibility, I can deal with that. I've known guys like that, and wished I could bash their sorry faces in. For the right woman, I'd have no problem at all stepping up and taking his place and showing her what a REAL man is made of.
But if you have fallen for MORE than one guy like that...
...well, that's another issue.
At that point, we're getting into serious character issues. Let me ask you this: If you REPEATEDLY fail to recognize a horrible guy when you meet one, why should I believe that you're going to recognize a DECENT guy like me? For me, this is not an abstract question. When I was 11, my mom dumped my dad -- a dull but perfectly decent guy -- to run off with another man. A man, I should note, who unceremoniously divorced her for another woman less than a year after she married him.
The experience was pure hell, for both me and my dad. I don't care to experience that, and I DEFINITELY don't want any kids I might have to experience that. I can understand making a mistake with one person. God knows I've made my share. But more than once? With more than one person? That indicates that you are either profoundly unlucky or you have remarkably poor judgment. Either way, it's a MAJOR red flag.
Let me try to translate this for women: If you meet a guy who is a serious drug addict, who has had three wives leave him because of his drug addiction, but he promises that FOR YOU, he will change...why should you believe him? That's the situation faced by a guy who meets a girl with multiple babydaddies.
Hmmm. Maybe that's not a clear enough analogy. Okay, let me put it THIS way: Ladies, if you meet a guy who has five kids by three different women, what does that say to you about his potential as a boyfriend/husband? Not so hot, huh? Well, it's no different for women. That's all I'm saying. | |
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