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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/24/2009 1:18:46 AM | having been married 2x, that is not my major concern. however, i would like to think that i will ultimately, at least, be living with the right man for me. marriage to me expresses a spiritual dimension, but that would have to evolve. there are also econ0mic aspects that need to be addressed by both parties openly. since i am way over 30, let me save you some time and tell you what i've learned:
despite my ultimate vision of my future, i don't immediately say i want to meet a man who will live with me--unless i am arguing on a pof forum! first of all, how the h-ll do you know if you'd want to live with a man let alone he with you--seeing as you don't know him well enough?!* you are putting the cart before the horse.
if you aren't willing to do the work and take the time to date and meet men for their character, interests, values and other aspects of "self", that cannot just respond to a laundry list and must first be "processed" in the course of a relationship-- then, you certainly will not have the time or energy to sustain a marriage, should you even get that far!!! marriage takes work. i used to love my work, so that's not a bad word to me. you must not only have immediate chemistry, but over time, you must both be able to "bond". you won't know that until after around 18 months, despite what he or you say your goals are!
marriage is like the wrapping paper that goes around a gift. you need to find the gift and spend the same amount of quality time, as you would when searching for a valuable asset. after all that, you can both decide how/when to wrap that gift. all that being said, if you meet someone who's a screw around, disrespectful towards you and just an overall not the man for you kind of guy--well then, just mose on along.
if it makes you feel any better, my generation married too fast and for the wrong reasons. look at the divorce rate! marriage is a sacrament, some say. it has to be approached and treated that way. it's not a quick fix, nor is it a guarantee. you do need to be saavy and sharpen your intuitive/people skills. you don't want an imitation gift. you want the real thing! i know way too many supposedly "religious" people, cheating on their spouses or just going from one marriage to the next, so they are fitting into what i perceive as a hypocritcal social structure. why waste the energy? i'd rather put it into a less superficial relationship and take my time "knowing".
as to internet, if you put want to marry, i'm sure many would lie and say the same. however, your profile says little about you and there's no pic--so, again you have the cart before the horse. he's not going to come in through your window. you need to do the work to find him. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/24/2009 5:01:02 AM | I want to be utterly in love with somebody that truly deserves it. It's a one step at a time issue with me. I've actually never been married. It's a cliche but my heart has been broken from a long term relationship breakup. Now I am cautious about who I even date. I still throw myself in at the risk of my feelings when I find someone I'm interested in. Short-term heartache is worth it if I eventually find the right person for something that lasts.
If it ever happens for me again, I hope I will be more goal-oriented regarding marriage. So, I understand why women want to talk about marriage early. I've been emotionally hurt by throwing it all in only to be eventually set aside. I just know I can't go straight to marriage. There has to be risk at first from both sides. I really don't know what to expect anymore. At 40, I'm just plodding along hoping for that romantic happiness that eludes me. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/24/2009 6:05:57 AM | It shouldn't be scary for the right guys in your age range.
what I would say is there is really no need to bring it up though in the early stages of a relationship - but if you do it should not be right up p there in someones face.
You can find yourself attracting and being attracted to people for the wrong reasons as marriages can end as quickly as they start these days. It isn't the be all and end all.
There is a difference between people with commitment phobia at the start of a relationship and those whose commitment phobia as a relationship progresses. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/24/2009 9:05:31 AM |
I think putting the emphasis on "getting married" as opposed to "having a great relationship" is one of the main reasons so many marriages fail.
Or as someone else once put it: women are all into getting married, not being married.
Thus there's a very prevalent sentiment out there among men these days that women simply aren't marriageable anymore. I know I can't recall having run across one who seemed like she'd even be an adequate wife. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/24/2009 9:41:22 AM | Certainly we are!
It's fun and fine to have a great girlfriend, but to have a great wife, that sense of belonging, being a part of, with dedication, there is so much more too. Marriage STILL it the BEST choice any many can make for himself.
While I am divorced, my ex wife, until things went the way of the "Do Do", it was a great life. I enjoyed it very much to the tune of 18 years. One of the things I miss is seeing or reading something really cool, looking over my shoulder and saying "Hey! Honey, check this out"! Sharing everything is awesome. You get that from marriage. Well, you're supposed to, anyway!
I know many women that are marriage minded, pretty good women too. Of course, I am holding out for that one that meshes "just right" with me.
Good fishing to you! | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/24/2009 9:43:35 AM | TheReason"I would probably have to see what you looked like, before deciding to get married or not.
Call me crazy."
I have not posted my picture, however, if someone reads my profile and is interested in speaking to me, I will forward it. I want to avoid meeting others who are interested in me just based on looks. I want to speak to a nice gentleman who wants to possibly settle down in the near future.
I don't know why others on this site seem to think this is bad. Marriage is a good thing if you are really want to be married. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/24/2009 9:48:02 AM | bluejeansnteeshirt"Certainly we are!
It's fun and fine to have a great girlfriend, but to have a great wife, that sense of belonging, being a part of, with dedication, there is so much more too. Marriage STILL it the BEST choice any many can make for himself.
While I am divorced, my ex wife, until things went the way of the "Do Do", it was a great life. I enjoyed it very much to the tune of 18 years. One of the things I miss is seeing or reading something really cool, looking over my shoulder and saying "Hey! Honey, check this out"! Sharing everything is awesome. You get that from marriage. Well, you're supposed to, anyway!
I know many women that are marriage minded, pretty good women too. Of course, I am holding out for that one that meshes "just right" with me.
Good fishing to you!"
Thanks for the positive comment. What a nice guy you are. I wish you all the best:) | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/24/2009 11:17:22 AM | | There are couples out there who have a stronger relationship that are not married then a lot of couples that are married. Being young and having been though a whole bunch has change my idea of the perfect life. Most of the things I thought I needed to have over the years I had and well... it wasn't that fairy tale story I was dreaming of. Now I am looking for a best friend one that supports me for who I am and one I can love in the same way. A true bond doesn't have to have a peice of paper or a huge wedding. It has to have what makes the couple happy without influence of the outside world and the pressures of the way we all "think it should be". | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/24/2009 12:06:25 PM | | i'm ok with making a life long commitment. so far, no one i've dated has given me the impression that they'd be able to as well. i am trying very hard to avoid divorce. so i am being very patient and careful about marriage. if i married all the girls i thought i would have, i'd have 3 divorces already probably. instead i just got some painful break ups. but that beats breaking a very serious vow. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/24/2009 2:21:05 PM |
So, could I get any ideas as to how to approach the subject without causing them to run?
Simple. You don't bring it up in the initial dating. You should wait a while before even talking about things like "what do you want in the long term?"
Too many marriage-minded women make the mistake of somehow thinking that finding a husband should be a short quick deal. They want to meet someone, date for 9-12 months, and then get engaged with a marriage to come 1-12 months later. Many more then want a short "married couple" period (a few months) and then get immediately into having kids.
To some women, this sounds reasonable. To most guys, this is utterly scary. We don't operate like that, and with the current climate of marriage, divorce, and favoritism of women in divorce laws, you're not going to see a lot of men who will quickly get on the subject.
Does that mean we don't want to marry? No.
Does that mean we want to talk about the possibility of marriage down the road on the second or third date? No.
I have a few female friends who think I should marry my GF of 10 months. She's about to go to SF for dental school and we'll be doing a LDR for four years. They feel if I don't do it now, she might lose interest and break up with me over the years. I feel that I'm not going to rush down the aisle and then be away from my spouse for four years. If she does lose interest and leaves...then so be it. My female friends can't believe my attitude, even though my GF is nowhere near ready to get married.
I'm sorry to tell the women out there, but there isn't a quick thing that will make you see if he wants marriage down the road or not. You have to take chances and maybe a month or two into the RL you talk to him about what he wants in his life. Make sure he knows you're not putting pressure, but you want to know if he wants to marry at some point of his life or remain single.
I will remain single for life before I rush into a marriage. That says how seriously I take the sacrament. If I end up alone, then so be it. Otherwise the women who get involved with me have to deal with my way of doing things since it is my life. If a woman is on a time constraint to marry and have kids before a certain age, then that's her problem. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/24/2009 3:20:09 PM |
I was wondering is there any man really looking for that?
Yes. Some of them go the foreign bride route. Fly to Russia and all that.
why that is so scary.
They don't know you well enough or understand what you mean, so they put in what they think you mean.
IMO when people hear that, as a goal, or too soon in the relationship they hear "I am looking to get married. I want the wedding, and the marriage. I am just shopping for the best cog to fit into my idea of what the wedding, marriage, and relationship should be. So you aren't really a person to me, just a means to the end of getting married. And you better behave how I idealize or you are the bad person."
So, could I get any ideas as to how to approach the subject without causing them to run?
IMO it's not really a question of how, but of when. IMO it should be when you know they will understand what you mean, how you mean it, and you know them well enough that you've already got a general idea of how they will probably react.
Or simply lay it all out in your profile or the first date. Tell them what you are looking for and why. So what if they run. Better they run now than the day of the wedding, or after the first kid. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:02:38 AM | | It's important to establish goals early with a potential partner but bringing up the "M" word may not be the best idea on the first few dates. Men (women too) can sometimes feel as though they are being roped into something they may regret and can't easily get out of if it doesn't work out later on. Take it slow and enjoy getting to know one another without the expectation that this is the partner you will one day marry. The less expectations you have when dating the more comfortable you'll both feel just being yourself. You'll make more friends in the long run. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:32:41 AM | I write 'independent' in my own profile. It means more than independent from a parter. It means I can think for myself and not just repeat what others expect me to say and do. It means I'm not going to be a parrot for your own musings but rather, that I would have my own creative thinking which should excite a suitor for me. I'm creative. I'm smart. I'm independent. A veritable treasure trove of thought behind blue eyes.
If you assume the use of the word 'independent' means that a woman is ready to flee marriage at the first sign of trouble, as you have essentially pointed out here, you should beware not to generate your own forgone conclusion. That's true even if in response, you recite that it already happened to you, that you are just expecting it again. What you bring is what you have in relationship. Is that what you intend to bring? I hope this helps you to reconsider marriage if you fall utterly in love with someone independent. Scary. Worth it. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/25/2009 7:09:21 AM | I am really interested in marriage (and relationships in general), but mainly from a social, anthropological, psychological perspective these days. I'd consider the actuality of it for myself with the right woman.
If people actually got married for love then divorce would not exist.
Not so. Love is not enough, and love can fade if the underlying compatibility and commitment do not exist or do not last. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/25/2009 2:45:38 PM | | Well, I'm independent. I hope that helps clarify my attitude. If you're speaking purely as a US Citizen, then the state views marriage as a contract, not a business deal. Those are distinct. A contract between individuals is what a vow is. When you get married, you make those vows and the state recognizes it as a contract between individuals and gives each partner certain new rights regarding the other, for care when incapacitated etc. If you fall utterly in love with someone, you want these things. Otherwise, you're lovers without rights. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:27:20 PM | | OP there are plenty of men who love to be married to a good,faithful,loving,thoughtful,considerate,emotionally stable woman who has more to offer than spreading her legs and collecting a child support check from her ex. Sad but true, men do want to be married they just don't want to marry the wrong one! | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/25/2009 9:15:22 PM | Yes, some of us do! ...But only to the woman who is a good match for me.
Honestly, I've wanted to get married since my early twenties. I've spent 17 years in two long term relationships, and came close to getting engaged with the second LTR, but fortunately I came to my senses and ended the relationship before I made a huge mistake. ( she was a smart and beautiful woman, but she was also a complete self-centered cold fish )
...I only want to get married once, and am willing to wait as long as it takes to meet the right match for me. I am a total chemistry person, and emotionally I like to jump in with both feet right away. Both of my LTRs started with a first date where the chemistry was unbelieveable and we ended up doing everything before the date was over. I've never had this happen with any non-LTR.
I doubt I will ever meet my match online, because every women I've met online seems to be scared witless about sex and emotionally opening up without a long "let's get to know you" waiting period. I can understand why some people need this, but it's definitely not for me.
Now to confuse things a little more... I know that I want an emotional connection as much as I want a physical connection, thus I've only slept with women that I've had a relation with. The shortest one was 3 months. ( I broke up with her because she refused to meet my family for a few hours over Xmas, we would have been together for 6 months by the time Xmas rolled around )
So yes I'm hopeful that some day I will meet the woman I want to marry, but it just hasn't happened yet. ( not easy being hopeful at my age... ) | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/25/2009 9:49:24 PM | I agree with cheerilystrawberry. POF feels far more casual (and social) than other sites.
I have 2 friends that have met serious, long-term partners with eHarmony - there are PLENTY of men look for someone to take care of - and vice versa - and just want a stable, peaceful homelife. They're called engineers. Probably farmers too, but then you might break a nail.
That said, it wasn't for me, but I'm not really looking for a new spouse - had enough trouble with the last one :).
Good luck - you might also try actually filling in your profile - then everyone would be on the same page when/if you connected.
K | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/26/2009 5:40:10 AM | "I have been on this site for some time and have not come across anyone interested in marriage. I was wondering is there any man really looking for that? "
Well, I will put it this way. I used to be interested, but now it will take a bit of convincing for me to change my mind about even dating. There are a number of reasons, and a couple of them are below.
It seems marriage and relationships by and large are temporary in nature. Less than half of all marriages even survive, and the number of truly happy ones has to be even less.
Most women it seems do not want an average man. They want someone that makes them the envy of their female friends and coworkers, with super good looks and loaded with money, very charismatic and flamboyant. An average man, they may hold their nose and settle for when they finally realize Mr. Perfect is not coming. Sorry, I am not interested in being some woman's last resort or what she settles for when she cannot get what she really wants.
Let them chase their toyboy playthings, their celebrities, and sociopaths of all types. Best of luck to them. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/26/2009 5:41:43 AM |
If you're serious about getting married within the next two years, you're on the wrong website. POF is pretty casual.
I'd agree here too. I am not knocking POF, but I'd tell anyone that you shouldn't make POF your primary means of meeting someone online if you're serious. Had many tell me that those who shell out money per month for a profile on another site are the more serious ones. That anyone can make a free profile, but serious ones will pay money.
My suggestion is the same...join a pay site on top of this one, or if you're getting a lot of dates here then just hold off on the marriage/future plans talk until things are more comfortable/intimate.
I also wonder if putting a statement in the profile would help some? Like you say you would love to find Mr Right, fall in love, get married, and have a family. Toss in that you're not expecting it quickly, but you would like to find that in life. I'm sure some of the non-commitment guys would steer clear. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/26/2009 5:56:19 AM | first off. im brutally honest. im not here to impress anyone that cant handle me being me.
hum???? why men 30+ have an issue with marriage???? well lets see. allot of us have been married. we have too much to lose if we make another mistake. im 34. im not a teenager anymore. i have money, im stable, and i own nice stuff. i dont want that taken away from me again. when i was 20 i didnt have to worry about women trying to get with me because they wanted a baby daddy or someone to take care of them.
your close to or in your 30s,,, your single,,, we have to wonder if your so wonderful why are you looking.why arent you with a nice guy already.is there something wrong with you,, am i going get 6 months down the road and find out you raving psycho. if i dump you am i going to wake up and find****spray painted on the side of my truck, all 4 tires slashed and dead fish under the seat(never happened to me personally but ive got a buddy with a car in the body shop right now).
we get lonely and we're smart enough to know most women are just as lonely. however its proven the men are logical about things unlike women who r emotional. just because we get lonely too isnt any reason to jump into something. lonely isnt love.
as for me most women ive gone out with like the idea of security over happiness. others you get 6 months into a relationship and figure out that they haven't gotten over issue from their previous relationship and like to compare you too them.
you wanna get marred quick find a really stupid guy thats never had a real relationship outherwise play the game like everyone else. and make no mistake it is a game. we all play the odds. some play the smart some let it ride. some of us get lucky some of us dont .
obtw you got one major thing going aginst you peacock you dont have a pic on your profile. how are we supposed to know what your feathers look like. you got something to hide. | |
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