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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/26/2009 8:47:00 AM |
I have been on this site for some time and have not come across anyone interested in marriage. I was wondering is there any man really looking for that? I have indicated to them that is what I wanted and it usually scared them away. I don't understand why that is so scary.
Lots of helpful comments on this thread, so no point in repeating them unnecessarily. Just the following:
1. It may be 'scary' to some men because most 30+ men are at an age where they're comfortable, and don't feel the need to make a mad dash for the altar (and some will have even been burned before (although hopefully not at the altar itself - that's a far scarier kind of gathering).
2. You may be trying to maritally run before you walk: love has to come first. Marriage should only follow when it feels natural. Are you feeling pressured by society's conventions rather than your own judgment? As a traditionalist my inclination is to marry too (although you're too far from me - New Jersey's a long swim away), but when push comes to shove I'd actually be fine with a 60-year partnership without the ceremony... as long as my partner knows that I'm in it for keeps.
3. I know several couples who feel far more relaxed because they're not married, and because of that their domestic balance is great. They have every intention of growing wrinkly together but none to tie the knot.
Bottom line: concentrate your energies on enjoying a partnership. Your headstone won't be trashed if you choose never to put on that white dress. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/26/2009 9:09:59 AM | As a man, I believe marriage is for starting and raising a family. It is not at all about security and commitment of having someone to be there with you. When you weigh the 'security and commitment' against 'only having sex with one person', most men don't see that as an advantage. Plus, it is considered unrealistic these days to have any remote expectations about her cooking, cleaning, or performing any other wifely duties, so a man can't be interested in finding a woman to 'take care of him'. And when it comes to money, no man worth a damn wants to have to lean on a woman for financial security. So as long as he can support himself alone, he doesn't doesn't really see a second income as a benefit, especially since expenses are likely to go up at least proportionately. And like others have said, you can be madly in love with someone, and not be married to them. Realistically, marriage doesn't make a good relationship better, it only makes a borderline relationship completely unbearable.
The only reason left these days for a man to get married is the family factor. Therefore, any prospective wife has to not already have started a family, and she has to be young enough (i.e. under 30) to have a number of years ahead of her where having kids is a safe and responsible option.
There are plenty of men who are interested in marriage. However, women don't seem to really get interested in marriage until they are no longer marriage material. Before that they are more than happy being independent, not being tied down, and enjoying the attention they receive from multiple exceptional male suitors. Only once those suitors start to dry up does she decide that maybe she should stop partying it up and settle down, however, by that time it is too late. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/26/2009 10:21:34 AM | I dont think it is so much men not wanting marriage, it has more to do with when they are ready for marriage.
1) I knew a guy who dated my friend for 5 years. He never proposed or even talked marriage. They broke up and he started dating someone else. In less than a year, he proposed to this girl.
2) My brother was always a confirmed bachelor. Never wanted marriage or kids. He met a wonderful woman with a child. They are talking marriage now.
3) my ex husband told me once that he knew from the first moment he met me that he was going to marry me. We are divorced now, so take it for what its worth :) | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/26/2009 7:40:08 PM | Marriage (in the U.S) is a contract between a man and a woman and the government. If things go bad, the gumment will be on her side. I doubt many women would take that bet if the shoe were on the other foot..
OTOH .. One can set things up to benefit their SO, should something happen , if they are in a LTcommited relationship. So, the piece of paper is really not needed unless she's in it to win it.. In fact, I have customers who divorce and stay together to get the extra benefits that come with being single. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/26/2009 8:39:35 PM | | My goal is to eventually find someone to share my life with, someone who is the right person for me and vice versa. Whether or not that includes getting married, we'll have to see. I'm not opposed to it, but the emphasis isn't on getting married for the sake of marriage, its on meeting that person I want to spend my life with and establishing a lasting relationship. Having married the wrong women twice, I know how important it is not to do that again! | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/27/2009 1:05:35 AM |
Marriage (in the U.S) is a contract between a man and a woman and the government. If things go bad, the gumment will be on her side. I doubt many women would take that bet if the shoe were on the other foot..
you are 100% wrong. I am the one person you cant say that to. my wife decided she wasnt straight after 10 years and needed to explore her options. they did not find in favor of my ex wife.
the government guarantees you 50% of what you both earned and have accrued in a marriage. unless you mess up and cheat on her, hit her, or just yell and act like an ass fighting over petty crap because you got your feeling hurt ..then the court will find for the woman..dont blame the government for things that arent their job to control.
everything is slipt 50/50. you get get 50% of the prize or in most cases 50% of the debt. its the creditors that make it hard. in most cases 90% of everything is in the mans name
tell visa your only going to 1/2 and see what they say. you can absolutely do that, wait for them to issue a judgment and then issue a judgment on her saying she owes your money, but that doesnt solve your problem with the creditor does it. this isnt the 50s. the court now agree that it take 2 to break up a marriage. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/27/2009 5:44:55 AM | Of course we are.
But the criteria is more exacting nowadays in these times of easy divorces. I've never been married and there is a simple reason. I haven't met the woman that I can truthfully say about "Yes, I absolutely want to grow old with you".
Bottom line ; Men are interested in marriage, but 9 times out of 10, they want to be absolutely sure it's going to be a partnership for life. | |
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doork
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Joined: 6/12/2009
Msg: 59 | |
| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/27/2009 8:40:47 AM | | Better to start off with 'dating' and see if it progresses. Announcing an 'Intent to Marry' right away jumps the gun, to me anyway. As for the headline question: Interested? Yes, someday. I just won't settle for one who doesn't meet the criteria. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:05:31 PM | ^^Good point. This tends to happen with younger women, though. Many here are divorced so the idea of "her special day' is going to be radically different from that of 'Daddy's little girl'.
That being said, I want to get married some day. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:48:46 PM |
Blaugh..in most instances you are correct, but there are a lot of women over 40 that aren't nasty, that are in great shape and who are really fun! I think you have a lousy attitude. Have any of these men looked in the mirror? There are MANY men over 40 that are sagging, can't make body parts work or who aren't fun...not to mention balding and with beer guts. I know young women whose boobs sag more than mine do and who have cellulite.
It's an individual thing. In my opinion, I don't see how a 48 year old MAN OR WOMAN...would have a lot in common with someone that much younger with them..other than Sex.
Blah..blah..blah.. Tell it to Paul McCartney and all the rich american men like Trump and Johnnie Carson etc. etc. etc... see if 'they' say I'm wrong. Marriage is anothe form of prostitution in america and westernized countries. Just because you didn't get tagged doesn't mean squat. If you don't have anything ..they won't waste their time in court.. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/27/2009 3:23:35 PM |
you should beware not to generate your own forgone conclusion. That's true even if in response, you recite that it already happened to you, that you are just expecting it again. What you bring is what you have in relationship. Is that what you intend to bring? I hope this helps you to reconsider marriage if you fall utterly in love with someone independent. Scary. Worth it.
This is hugely important and I am afraid an awful lot of people don't get it at all.
A lot of people seem to want to read a profile, "meet" someone briefly (in some form eg text, phone, quick date) and project their fears, past relationships, assumptions and hangups onto that person.
People create situations to either "confirm" their feelings about themselves or others and then react according to that rather than what is really going on in a "relationship".
What is also going on is people blindly thinking they operate in a vacuum, everything is so serious and the slightest thing revealing about another person.
We have to open up and listen to each other, explore with an open mind and be secure in ourselves. So many people are so far off that place and level of competence it is sad to see all the missed opportunity.
Mail someone/speak to them or meet them and the replies are "I am not this, I am not that, I am not your type, you are this you are that. If it isn't offered as a topic of conversation/exploration with a tongue firmly in the cheek and you got one...probably. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/28/2009 2:17:22 AM | "The problem is, most guys seem to try to pretend that they are interested in this and then just keep on seeing a female for 2 or 3 years then suddenly say it is not working out."
Maybe it wasn't working out? I wouldn't place the onus mostly on the men! Have you reflected upon all these relationships to find a similar theme for them breaking up? I would wonder and then reflect upon them. How else can you improve yourself if you do not know your weaknesses? If I was in a two year relationship and broke up with a woman, there would be good reason, I'm not happy. I wouldn't want to marry someone I'm not happy with. Would you? | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/28/2009 8:11:56 PM | | I for one am a person that is on this site to find a partner. I have been single for over two years and it sux!! If I meet the person that I feel is the one, then I do want to get married. You see I have been married before and it sanked. Sanked while I was still trying to bailout the water. I feel that people are afraid of commitment regardless if it is marriage or buying a car. People can also get set in there ways or like in my situation, had a great deal of heart break to work out. I feel that I would like to remarry someday, but after the long nasty divorce, I am alot more cautious than before. If you drop the M bomb to soon, you may scare off someone who may be looking for the same thing. Be patient, give it time and as Shakespear said "it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all." | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/29/2009 8:13:24 AM | No they are not. They are interested in seeing how much p*ssy they can get. Not just on here, anywhere, especially dating sites. Perceived anonymity, plain and simple.
It's been my experience, as well as girlfriends of mine, and other women on this forum that sex is what they want. There is the exception though, if you are under 30, under 125 lbs, have no kids, never been married, make over $100k a year and English is not you're primary language, actually the income is unimportant, then you have the chance to become READY... a long-term partner or possibly wife!  | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/29/2009 9:03:11 AM |
They are interested in seeing how much p*ssy they can get. Not just on here, anywhere, especially dating sites.
I take it that you have some "issues" with that?
Simple fact is that most men, and most emotionally healthy women, are motivated to date partially in response to sex drive.
For me, if to have a sex life meant that I'd have to get married again, I'd embrace celibacy as the more attractive option. The worst reason to get married would be to "get sex", and who would want to be in that sort of marriage? | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/29/2009 9:09:24 AM | No they are not. They are interested in seeing how much p*ssy they can get. Not just on here, anywhere, especially dating sites. Perceived anonymity, plain and simple.
ruffian-
I read some of your posts. Hate to tell you this, but do you realize women are just out there looking for sex too? You make it sound like all women are looking for long term, when that couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, I would say more men are ready for long term than women are. Women just think they want a relationship but they can never stay in one cause they think it's supposed to stay all exciting like the early infatuation all the time. When the passion fades they always move on. | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/29/2009 9:28:44 AM | Aww that's unfair. You can't really have come to that conclusion about men or there'd be no point being on here at all!
In my experience it is usually men who are ultra keen on settling down and getting married - I've obviously just met lots of people who are ready to settle down. When someone's mentioned it early on, I question whether it's me they're interested in or if they just want to get married, and it feels intimidating. I would assume most people (men and women) would feel the same, if someone jumped in early with that as a end-goal. It puts a great deal of pressure on the start of a relationship if someone tells you they're looking for marriage, it certainly made me feel trapped and want to fleeeeeee!
Why do you want to get married? Is it for 'the day'? In which case throw a huge party, it's just the same. What is the point of marriage in the modern day? As a woman you no longer 'need' to get married. Is it because of religious expectations? The notion of marriage as a symbol of unity and devotion is very sweet, does that make relationships without it of lesser value? | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/29/2009 9:41:04 AM |
It's been my experience, as well as girlfriends of mine, and other women on this forum that sex is what they want. There is the exception though, if you are under 30, under 125 lbs, have no kids, never been married, make over $100k a year and English is not you're primary language, actually the income is unimportant, then you have the chance to become READY... a long-term partner or possibly wife!
Umm, yeah, you are mostly right, men looking to marry are not looking for a "bride", we are looking for a "wife". So, while you are having fantasies of gorgeous white dresses, diamond rings that will make your friends green with envy, and lavish parties where you will be the absolute center of attention, we are dreaming about someone who will make a good wife who can keep a home and raise a family.
1) Under 30. Of course, since the risks of birth defects, miscarriages, and other complications skyrocket with older women, why would any man want to get married and start a family with one?
2) Under 125 lbs. - She can be quite a bit heavier, if she is tall of course, but at 5'1", 125 is a good weight. Men are visually sexual creatures, and are looking for fit healthy women. If we are going to be faithful to one women, then she needs to strongly appeal to us sexually. Plus, it's not like she is likely going to get fitter and better looking as the years go bye and kids are born, so we are just starting with a baseline.
3. No kids, never been married. - If she was married and in the more likely case that she left him, why wouldn't she do it again? Did she end up taking him to the cleaners in the divorce? In the less likely case that he left her, what was so wrong with her that divorce was preferable to being with her? If she has kids, would a guy want to clean up someone else's mess? If he is taking on the role of father and provider, it makes no evolutionary sense to raise and provide for kids that aren't biologically his.
4. Making over $100k a year. - While that would be nice, like you said, the income is unimportant. As long as she isn't obviously a deadbeat or gold digger, most guys are fine with a women. After all, being the provider is his role.
5. English not her primary language. - Nothing to do with language ability, its just that marriage is a traditional institution, and men are looking for women who will fill the traditional role of wife if he is going to fill the traditional role of husband. Foreign women tend to be more traditional and thus better suited for the role of wife. American (English/Canadian/Australian/etc.) women tend to be less traditional and more modern, and therefore are better suited for a more modern type of relationship (non-committed cohabitation, casual dating, fwb, fb, etc.)
Look, it's not that men aren't looking for marriage, we just aren't looking to get married to fat old women with other mens kids and a ton of debt who can't and won't keep a house. I don't see what is so unreasonable or hard to understand about this? | |
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astock
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Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 74 | |
| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/29/2009 10:25:08 AM | OP while the numbers may be dwindling there are still plenty of men wanting to get married. as for the comments i have read by other posters. about divorce and such
<div class="quote">But if marriage is even brought up during the early stages (like if you're still speaking through POF... at all) then only the severely deficient wouldn't run like hell. this is not entirely true, as you said in your comment you have obviously grown up a little jaded.
<div class="quote">It's pretty stupid for any guy to marry a woman with kids at your age, especially one who doesn't indicate she wants more kids. Most guys who will want to get married will want to have kids, and most guys won't raise someone Else's kids period. Plenty of younger and freer options abound with lower opportunity cost.
now that's just plain stupid, i have no problems raising another mans kids, it takes sperm to be a father but a real man to be a dad, which apparently the read dads are growing fewer and fewer in numbers.
<div class="quote">I don't know why others on this site seem to think this is bad. Marriage is a good thing if you are really want to be married.
Right on OP
<div class="quote">Too many marriage-minded women make the mistake of somehow thinking that finding a husband should be a short quick deal. They want to meet someone, date for 9-12 months, and then get engaged with a marriage to come 1-12 months later. Many more then want a short "married couple" period (a few months) and then get immediately into having kids.
um yeah thats kinda how marriage works. my parents have been married 43 years now, they dated for a 8 months, engaged for a year and been married ever since. it's not that unusual | |
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| Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/29/2009 6:47:10 PM | | youngsnowbird... Does this woman understand what she wrote you? She contradicts herself! She mentions the only thing an older/younger relationship has is sex. But, she makes fun of older men that "can't make body parts work"! I don't think this woman is very intelligent, there are some good reasons a man will date a younger woman, children and less negativity towards men and relationships to begin. She's too negative, probably the real reason no man wants to keep dating her! It's funny how a negative woman like her says it's not about the sex then makes fun of men who are having sexual difficulty. What if she was having difficulty, should we laugh at her and point out her sexual flaws? She should be better than that. I don't have a problem dating women my age or older, but I wouldn't date someone like her that is so negative. I have had girlfriends that were much older or much younger than myself and about the same age. I don't see much difference and I wouldn't want to limit myself, I might miss someone really wonderful if I do. The point is to be happy, not conform to someone's ideology! | |
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