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Posted: 6/24/2009 12:30:52 AM | i didnt mean literally chuck it in the street! rehome etc......
in my defence, the OP doesnt sound like she wants it anyway! i think it would teach a valid lesson! (and take away one of the chores!) a cat is a lot of responsibility for an 8 year old.
im in favour of reward the good, ignore the bad behaviour.
be full of praise when she does her chores, but when she doesnt just explain to her without any hassle why she wont be getting her allowance end of story. no negotiation, and more importantly no changing your decison!
it is probably a phase she is going through, i would say she has heard it somewhere, does her father's new partner have children? maybe its there? | |
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Posted: 6/24/2009 3:27:06 AM | | Kids are no good at doing regular chores like that, they need reminding! She's only 8 for christs sake and a pets welfare should always be the responsibilty of an adult. Just let her be a kid and praise her when she does something good | |
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Posted: 6/24/2009 5:05:03 AM | Part of it is the age I think. My 10-year-old infuriates me because he always blames other people/situations and if he is acting like a douche and you call him on it, he starts crying or griping at me like I am the one that did something wrong. Moments I know I am getting kudos in that heaven bank for holding my temper. I'm going to focus on out of the box solutions.
OP, a psychologist suggested that when you ask a kid to do things and they don't, to not say anything. Do it yourself but when junior asks for a ride to the mall you tell them, sorry, the time I had to take you to the mall was used up feeding the cat, sorry, I can't take you. If the allowance is valuable, then not only don't give it if the kid has to be reminded every time, make her start paying you if you need to remind her when you get home. You also could, for example, add another chore if things aren't done.
If you do all the laundry, forget to do it. If you normally or occasionally bring home dinner, for example, get a burger on the way home and tell her you forgot to get her something. A few pbjs can be helpful motivators. No one can tell you how to handle this because you have to figure out what is going to work with your particular child and your lifestyle. My daughter loses her mind if her cell phone is taken away. The prospect of no hair care products and makeup is similarly terrifying. I recall a parent having problems with a kid and dress code so she went to the school with the kid in her pajamas looking terrible and embarassing the kid.
I have gone into hardass mom mode because all three of my kids are lazy and they are getting it that I am going to stay in their face until they do what I tell them to do. Tell me in a minute, the t.v. will be turned off and if you keep it up I'll cut the damned cord. A friend of mine learned because his mother's consequences were immediate. If she told you to do something and you weren't up immediately she did cut the t.v. cord. One time he asked for something to eat, she made it, he then told her he didn't want it and he wound up with a plate of chicken over his head. I don't particularly advocate that one but I don't know that I have ever howled as much as I did when he told me this story.
I know that you are trying to hold your daughter accountable but what about the babysitter? I would think if the sitter was told the child was supposed to do ex and the child didn't do ex, what the hell are you paying the babysitter to do? When I was a teenager babysitting it was understood that if the kid was supposed to do something and you didn't make the kid do it, you did it because having things "right" when the parents came home was part of the gig. Ask the babysitter to make a chore time during the day. If the child is expected to do chores from 8:30 to 9:00, she won't be able to forget them. Or perhaps when it is lunchtime, the child does chores while lunch is being prepared. She does it at the same time every day she forgets how?
Whatever means you choose or multiple things, just don't give up. Like adults, children behave how we allow them to.
It sounds like this stuff is just new to her, and not ingrained as a true habit or part of her day.
Yannow, if it was something the kid wanted, she wouldn't forget. As far as the cat thing, pfft. You put the food in the bowl. This requires five minutes if you crawl on your belly from the food bin to the cat dish. My kids aren't morning people but you should see how they jump out of bed and get themselves ready lickety split when they have a field trip.
Kids are no good at doing regular chores like that, they need reminding! She's only 8 for christs sake and a pets welfare should always be the responsibilty of an adult. Just let her be a kid and praise her when she does something good
Please, please OP, do not listen to this. People shoveled this crap at me when the kids were small and like most parents doubting my parenting abilities I backed off holding them accountable among other things. Guess what, you do this and your kid will be frigging nightmare when they are teens. My kids current thing is to tell me well at least we aren't driking, smoking pot and having sex so they reason I should be happy they aren't totally screwed up and someday they might jump on the team bandwagon and do what they need to do in this house. Yeah, that's working for me, um no.
The young man that posted about wanting to do it is also correct. With my boys, they both like girls, they both play football and they both want sculpted abs, etc. Now my middle son naturally has those and yes we hate him but he is what I would describe as wiry, wants to bulk up. I noted about the hand edging he was supposed to do yesterday that in the olden days, guys had muscles because they actually did bona fide work to get them. Do the edging, your pecs, bicepts and yes those stomach muscles are going to be used and defined, helloooo. Plus you get a tan, it's win win even for the cat who seems to like to sit there with you like a dog when you are working in the yard. | |
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Posted: 6/24/2009 5:58:03 AM | Hahahahahahahahaha!
Plus you get a tan, it's win win even for the cat who seems to like to sit there with you like a dog when you are working in the yard.
I see the phenomenon of the Garden Supervisor Cat is not restricted merely to my yard. | |
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Posted: 6/24/2009 6:15:15 AM | All good advice, thanks. couple of things tho:
1) I dont mind the cat. It's outside. Not a problem. Where the problem lies is we made a deal, before we got the cat, that she would take care of it. To make sure she would take care of it, I tested her ability with a hamster first. She proved to me, with this hamster, that she could take care of it and she did. She fed it. cleaned the cage. Also, I wouldnt just get rid of the cat. I have already talked to a friend of mine who has a farm and takes in stray animals and she said if I needed her to take the cat, she would.
2) I do not think she is too young for chores. I think chores are good for any kid. I feel it teaches responsibility. And she does her chores. I may have to remind her a time or two, but she will do them. Sometimes she does them without whining and other times she whines about them.
3) there was an incident yesterday. I stopped by the babysitter's to pick her up (around 5pm). I sat there talking for a minute (we live across the street and she is my friend) and my child had brought over a big bag of chips from our house for her lunches for the week. she went to the counter and grabbed the bag of chips and started eating. I said, "Please put the chips up. We are going home in a minute to cook dinner." My child looked at me and said, "what are we having for dinner?" I said, " I dont know yet." She proceeds to eat more chips. I told her to put them away we were going home now to cook dinner. She said, "It's not my fault, you dont know what we are having for dinner and I am hungry now." And proceeds to eat chips again. I very calmly told her to put the bag of chips down again, and asked why it wasnt her fault when I told her to put the chips down and she didnt listen? She said she was hungry now and what if she didnt like what I was fixing for dinner. I told her, "it doesnt matter. If you dont like what I fix then you dont have to eat it, but you wont get anything else tonight. But, why dont we go home and you can help me make dinner. We left my friends house and walked home. And she had a ball helping cook dinner. After dinner, she cleaned her plate and put it in the sink. Tuesdays she does dishes. She went to go outside and I asked if she did her chore. She looked at the chore list and started doing the dishes, without complaining!! I went over, gave her a hug, said thank you, and I dried the dishes while she washed them. Then she went outside to play. I want my child to learn responsibility and teamwork. I dont mind helping her do her chores, like the dishes. Just like I wash her laundry and she puts her own clothes away.
She is relatively a good kid. But the whole "its not my fault" just gets under my skin for some reason. | |
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Posted: 6/24/2009 12:36:35 PM | I noticed someone said "well obviously everyone knows positive reenforcement is a good thing" but i can tell you right now that 90% of parents dont do it. In fact i figure most parents are bad parents. Bad in the sense that they end up having kids and just wing it. I would like to point out that kids cant choose their parents, its all the parents choice. They cant choose their family. They are stuck with whoever for 18 years. Alot of parents treat kids like the kids owe THEM something, i think thats a bunch of BS but whatever. Unfortunately most parents might have seen a magazine article or two about parenting or talked to their friends about it but its rare that they go pick up some books and put some deep thought into it like it counts.
packagedealx3 suggested some passive aggressive stuff and i would strongly advise against it. Unless you just want to teach your daughter how to be passive aggressive. The suggestion to Intentionally embarrass kids sounds like a great plan to make them hate you for the rest of your life.
Of course i hardly know anything on parenting and ive only read alittle bit so take this as a grain of salt. (and anything else you read on some forum)
If you do get a book i would suggest something that goes along the lines of treating your kid like you would treat an equal or another human being.
Even reading up on some psychology would be good. | |
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Posted: 6/24/2009 3:43:04 PM | | Not that im saying you dont treat your daughter like a human or anything but for example like the one poster suggested if you do all the laundry to simply not do it if your daughter does something you dont like. Now lets put this into a different perspective, if you were do that to a husband or even do that kind of behavior at work people would think you were crazy! Its obvious passive aggressive behavior and since when is something thats normally not acceptable, ok to do with your kids? Another crazy suggestion, going to school with your kids in pajama's when they do something you dont like? I wonder how that would fly if you did it to anyone above 18. I hate seeing all this talk about how to control kids, i would think you should give your kids as much freedom as possible. Its scary to see all the creative ways some people are coming up with to humiliate,terrify, and control their kids. Kids are very impressionable and i can only imagine the crazy problems they will have when they grow up. | |
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Posted: 6/24/2009 11:47:34 PM |
I see the phenomenon of the Garden Supervisor Cat is not restricted merely to my yard.
aaaah but I wonder if the kitchen and bathtime supervisor cat is just a welsh phenomenon ! | |
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Posted: 6/25/2009 9:07:07 PM | Next time she wants something and it's not stocked or available, tell her its not your fault and continue to apply this tasty little retort whenever appropriate until you can tell by the look on her face that she understands saying the words don't make it so!
Giving folks a good taste of their own medicine without a big fuss tends to give them something to think about besides themselves! | |
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Posted: 6/25/2009 10:06:25 PM | | For my kids, we use something called a "star chart" (well actually a flower chart). I hang a divided chart on the fridge with a spot for each childs name, and plenty of room under it. For each chore they do, or each time they help me out by doing extra, they get a star (I use a little flower ink stamper instead- or draw little stars- but the stamper is so much easier). Each time a child gets 100 stars, they get to do something special with mom as a reward (McDonalds). After each child gets 300 stars (all of them have to have 300), we take a little family trip somewhere (example:chuckee cheeses or a mini trip up north to see friends). My kids love chucky cheeses so there is always a big push to get everyone helping to earn their 300. This works well for homework also, as I will consider homework a chore, and good grades gives them extra stars also. I also will cross stars out for detentions and missing homework assignments, or back talk. | |
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Posted: 6/25/2009 10:44:06 PM | Quote: "Not that im saying you dont treat your daughter like a human or anything but for example like the one poster suggested if you do all the laundry to simply not do it if your daughter does something you dont like. Now lets put this into a different perspective, if you were do that to a husband or even do that kind of behavior at work people would think you were crazy! Its obvious passive aggressive behavior and since when is something thats normally not acceptable, ok to do with your kids? Another crazy suggestion, going to school with your kids in pajama's when they do something you dont like? I wonder how that would fly if you did it to anyone above 18. I hate seeing all this talk about how to control kids, i would think you should give your kids as much freedom as possible. Its scary to see all the creative ways some people are coming up with to humiliate,terrify, and control their kids. Kids are very impressionable and i can only imagine the crazy problems they will have when they grow up."
Actually, I stopped doing my ex husbands laundry- and I don't consider my self crazy or passive aggressive- more along the lines of I was tired of doing it all, paying for it all, and getting zilch in help in return. I had a newborn that was ill and had surgery, plus I was working 50+ hours a week doing concrete work. We had a washer and dryer, but my ex refused to hook them up. AT first I went to the laundromat and did the laundry, but it was to difficult (he refused to help with the laundry and watching our son), so I started taking our clothes to my moms and washing them there. He screamed and told me he didn't want me washing his clothes at my moms, and to take them to the laundromat and wash them. I asked him numerous times meanwhile about hooking up our washer and dryer and he refused- so I stopped washing HIS clothes all together. He got ticked off, and came home from work one day ( he drove a honey wagon around a campground 30 hours a week) and said " You better start taking my clothes to wash them and I don't mean at your mothers house either. Ya know...."jims" wife knows her place in the house. She knows that if he comes home from work and the dishes aren't done, she'll have a few less dishes." Without batting an eye, I looked at him and said " okay, go ahead, rip up your clothes". He still refused to hook up the washer and dryer, but he started having his mommy wash his clothes after that. If the only way to get your point across is by looking like - in your words- a "crazy" person with "passive aggressive behavior ", so be it. It doesn't kill a child to do chores- no more than it would kill a husband to help out. It far from makes the wife/mom/dad/husband a crazy person. But I'll be proud to bear the name "nut case" if it will make you feel better. To the person who went to school in pajamas...KUDOS! | |
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Posted: 6/25/2009 11:06:53 PM | I am going through something similar, could it be that you aren't following through with your list of chores......I have noticed with my own that I would 'give in' and either do it myself or help him.....BUT I have since learned that CONSISTENCE is what makes HIM do what is expected. I simply just won't budge on my rules and he has come to just accept that. If he argues the fact I just say....'fine, thats YOUR decision not to do that but the consequences are....ie, no t.v. no play, whatever.....
GOOD LUCK............We ALL need it... | |
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Posted: 6/26/2009 5:55:46 AM | Thanks everyone. Again, she isnt a bad kid, just a little stubborn (like her momma). The past few days, she has been very good. She gets up in the morning, and before the sitter comes over, she is already dressed and doing her chores (without me telling her). She helped cook dinner over the past few days. Now, this morning was a tad difficult. she didnt want to get up or feed her cat or make her bed. she whined and comlained that she was tired (I let her stay up a little past nine so she could finish a chapter in her book). I said, ok, well you did stay up last night, I guess you can go to bed at 8 tonight. She didnt like that idea and preceded to whine that she didnt want to go to bed at 8. I just told her that 1)she needs her sleep and she will be in bed by 830 every night and 2)regardless if she is tired, her job (chores) are still to be done. And if she whines about doing them, then no allowance, but she would still do them anyway. So I said, "do you want to do your chores, not whine about them, and get your allowance; or do you want to whine about your chores, still do them anyway, and not get paid? Decision was hers. " She stopped whining right there and went to feed her cat and make her bed.
I imagine she will have her good days and bad days | |
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Posted: 6/26/2009 7:41:58 AM | "What in the world was his reason for not hooking up the washer and dryer?"
He just didn't feel like it/didn't want to. Basically lazy. Didn't want to spend his time doing that when he could be swimming at the campground, partying, or hanging with his friends and family. The smartest decision I ever made was to divorce him. | |
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Posted: 6/26/2009 9:17:56 AM | Thats a completely different situation. Im not suggesting that not doing the laundry is passive agressive. Its the particular situation. Let me post the definition as to clear things up a bit.
Passive-aggressive behavior is passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible. It is a defense mechanism, and (more often than not) only partly conscious. For example a worker when asked to organize a meeting might seemingly happily agree to do so, but will then take so long on each task in the process - offering excuses such as calls not being returned, or that the computer is too slow, or that things aren't ready when the meeting is due to start - that a colleague is forced to hurriedly complete the task, lest the meeting be postponed.
You stopped doing the laundry over issues with the laundry. The parenting that this person suggested was to stop doing the laundry in retalitation for something else unrelated that the kid did.
deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.
If a mother is known for doing the laundry for whatever reason.. and without talking to her kid or discussing it suddenly stops doing it because their kid dident do something like feed the cat, i would think that would be passive agressive.
passive-agressive is generally when someone dosent want to confront someone on something and yet still wants to punish them for it or "get them back". | |
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Posted: 6/26/2009 12:33:21 PM |
I noticed someone said "well obviously everyone knows positive reenforcement is a good thing" but i can tell you right now that 90% of parents dont do it. In fact i figure most parents are bad parents. Bad in the sense that they end up having kids and just wing it. I would like to point out that kids cant choose their parents, its all the parents choice.
Some of the things I read on these forums leave me with the feeling that some parents do not love their children unconditionally to the point that I would think they would.
Even reading up on some psychology would be good.
Especially to understand brain development, and to understand what a child at a certain age is capable of and not capable of, so that the child isn't being punished for something that they cannot possibly grasp. | |
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Posted: 6/26/2009 6:06:46 PM |
Especially to understand brain development, and to understand what a child at a certain age is capable of and not capable of, so that the child isn't being punished for something that they cannot possibly grasp.[/quote} I completely agree. I was watching the Steve Wilkos show (dont know why, its DEPRESSING) and a father was on there who DISCIPLINED his 8 month old baby. It was incredibly ridiculous, and the father had the impression that this INFANT knew right from wrong. This ignorance is probably what leads to shaken baby syndrome. It truly is sad, and I wish parents were required to take some parenting classes before children are born. I mean, sheesh, we have to take drivers ed to get a license but we can just raise children without having any training? I know for me, when I was pregnant I completely submerged myself into parenting books and subscribed to like 4 different parenting magazines!! I wish everyone was a bit more conscientious about child rearing but unfortunately some people just really dont care enough to bother with it.  | |
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Posted: 6/27/2009 4:10:54 PM | | To the person who said treat your child as an equal. Your child isn't equal to you, if they were they wouldn't need teaching, looking after and guidance. I'm all for children having responsibility. At 2 years old she had little jobs to do along side me. Like peel mushrooms or polish furniture. She will be my equal when she no longer needs looking after and that'll be the day i become her friend. Right now I'm mum. I always will be but will be her friend in a few years. That's how it should be. | |
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Posted: 6/27/2009 5:45:42 PM |
To the person who said treat your child as an equal. Your child isn't equal to you, if they were they wouldn't need teaching, looking after and guidance. I'm all for children having responsibility. At 2 years old she had little jobs to do along side me. Like peel mushrooms or polish furniture. She will be my equal when she no longer needs looking after and that'll be the day i become her friend. Right now I'm mum. I always will be but will be her friend in a few years. That's how it should be.
You had a two year old polishing furniture and peeling mushrooms? What was the child using to peel the mushrooms? | |
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Posted: 6/27/2009 6:02:07 PM | Stop asking her if she's fed the cat when it's obvious that she hasn't.
Call her over to the cat's dish and then ask her why you want to talk to her.
You have all night to stand patiently while she thinks of the reason.
"Uh...cuz I didn't feed the cat?"
"Yep; and now you don't eat until the cat eats." | |
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Posted: 6/28/2009 12:55:51 AM | | Futureshock. You sound shocked. Children like to help. When i was polishing i'd give her a polishing cloth and she'd do it along side me. When i was preparing dinner instead of sitting her in front of the television whilst i did it she'd sit at her little table in the kitchen and peel mushrooms(with her hands) and cut them up with her toddlers knife. 9 times out of 10 i wouldn't be using mushrooms but it would keep her occupied. | |
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Posted: 6/28/2009 11:26:52 AM |
peel mushrooms(with her hands) and cut them up with her toddlers knife. 9 times out of 10 i wouldn't be using mushrooms but it would keep her occupied.
Well I'm glad you clarified. My imagination ran away with me, lol! | |
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Posted: 6/29/2009 2:47:44 PM | My sister is all about making her kids responsible! She has a maid but, doesn't allow them to clean the kids rooms!
If They are supposed to clean there room an they don't she will take a garbage bag and put EVERYTHING that is on the floor in the garbage bag and it will disappear for a month! Threats don't work! You don't want to threaten! You want to take action.
Do you have a friend or family member that can take the cat for a week or two if she doesn't feed the cat? If so next time send the cat away and let her know if you bring it back it is HER responsibility. You will NOT remind her to feed or take care of it. If she doesn't feed the cat she should miss dinner! (hey we can all survive without dinner!)
Just be firm. Quit yelling (if your yelling) Talk to her like you would talk to a co-worker. She knows how to push your buttons. | |
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