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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/25/2009 7:40:17 AM |
Do what you have to to minimize the damage now.
I am doing everything within my power legally at this time to do to minimize damage. I have a lawyer and consult regularly.
My lawyer is primarily a children's lawyer and a strong advocate for the rights of children. She has been my "voice of reason" when I needed her to be and she has a tremendous reputation in the legal profession here for her strong advocacy of children's rights. I did a lot of research before I picked her after having a really crappy lawyer the first time around. She is expensive as hell but I use her for consult only...I have prepared my own legal paperwork lately and she reviewed it once and will review it again before I file it. I represent myself until it goes into court, which I really don't think it will. His lawyer is an idiot...lol....and I can talk circles around her arguments but he thinks she is wonderful because she massages his ego. Mine doesn't massage my ego...sometimes she is brutal with me. That is a good lawyer.....
She's exhausted and sick all the time, has anxiety attacks, and is being treated for depression.
I am watching for these signs because I know what they mean....so far she is doing ok. She was a mess following the "incident" for a while, we all were. I got her into counselling and between those sessions and my parenting of her and her father not repeating the behaviour, she healed and I'm not sure she even remembers. We don't ever talk about it and I wouldn't bring it up to her ever.
On the issue of the story you shared (thank you btw),
That poor child....no child should ever go through that kind of obvious poor parenting skills and vengeful nature towards the other parent. I hope she can be free of that abusive situation soon and heal from it. Some people should never be parents or given access to that role..... | |
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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:47:35 AM | Get her away from him. He is an abuser, and has already begun to abuser her. He hurt your baby. Dont worry about being nice or fair to him, mama bear's dont play nice and fair when their cubs have been hurt. My worry would be that one day after years of abuse she will ask you "mom why didnt you stop it"?
March right into court and tell them he is an ABUSER and needs to0 stay away. No court in this world can force a mother to let a monster near her children.
Or as i said before, settle out of court.  | |
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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:52:56 AM | One thing I have learned about you over the years participating in the forums is that you are very skeptical of anything any woman has to say that is in any way negative against any man so I now take most of what you have to say to any woman with a grain of salt. I haven't ever read a single post of yours in defense of a woman or bring any man to task either so.....I do have my own opinion of you to which I am entitled
I support fathers rights, but even doing that I am just as skeptical of men and yes I do bring them to task also. I know it is hard for you to see with your blinders on, so see just a few links attached for you. Consistency is important, now we all have hot botten issues and equal rights for fathers is one for me, but I try and show consistency. If I see a man doing or saying something messed up I bring it up. I also tell male posters (single fathers) that unless there are major issues, visits with the bio mother is normaly a good thing and I take all post with a grain of salt, not just post from women. One link is close to your current thread, but it was started by a male poster, so I attached part of the message also.
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts11698960.aspx
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts12279895.aspx">http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts12279895.aspx
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts12279895.aspx">http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts12279895.aspx
""But it's been 8 years since the divorce. Let it go already!"
Coming from a poster that has something new to say about his ex every few days, I think you should let it go already. From you past posts about getting your girl in 14 min flat because she called you crying, to the support issues, I would have to say you have issues too and your ex likely has the same stories to tell about you. If you have done half the stuff you have posted about and the back and forth, it is clear your a problem. May be your ex is too, but start by fixing yourself. Mel, it's been 8 years, let it go man, let it go."
May be you too should let it go; you and your ex will likely never get allong, by not trying and limiting the talking, the child can continue see both of you and that is normaly the best thing. Because of the lack of consistency is your stories and postings this is the best advice I can give you. | |
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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/25/2009 10:10:02 AM | Hey there Itsallinthesoul,
I was going to call you but your not online on skype..
I think one thing that all shared parenting couples need to realise is:
When you start telling the ex how to raise your child, it is bound to cause conflict. Especially considering that you are separated because you don't agree on things.
Unfortunatelly when we share parent we have to trust that our ex's will do the right thing (this does not mean that you turn a blind eye or not tactfully keep track of whats going on in the other household) but, it does mean that you have to let your ex run his/her household how he/she see's fit. Of course this does not mean that you allow your child to be in an abusive relationship either.
When you speak on the phone with each other, make it short and only speak about things that need to be spoken about. Try your best to avoid heated discussions about how to parent etc. If he asks for advice about something, then, think before you speak and be careful not to place blame etc. and only say what is absolutely necessary.
I have a great friendship with my ex and I learned fairly early in our separation that I needed to bite my tongue, especially if I was frustrated about something. We can freely talk about anything but, I rarely question her parenting skills even though they are questionable. But, when the need arises, I do voice my opinions for the benefit of my daughter. However, if I notice a reaction beginning or a change in body language I let it rest and raise the issue again on another day when moods are in check.
The best thing to do is to be the best parent you can and try not to let your rocky relationship with your ex interfere with that. Avoiding the confrontation will overtime create a more amicable relationship between you and him. It is obvious that you are both stubborn minded people and are both excellent at pushing each others buttons. The idea is to try and avoid the button pushing and end the conversations before they get heated, which can be difficult at times.
I know that you feel sometimes the need to hang up on him and I know that I really hate it when someone hangs up on me. You need to try and read his tones and body language a little better and end the conversation before the need to hang up arises. Even if it means you have to leave things unsaid. There is always another day you can raise an issue when you both are not angry with each other. This also gives you time to think about what needs to be said and what doesn't. Obviously when we are angry we say things that are unnecessary that ultimately cause a negative reaction. So to avoid this scenario is best.
You talk about "changing him". This is where many problems begin, when people try to change people. You will never change him by trying to make him change, he has to work it out and do it on his own.
I think one of the best sayings is:
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
(and no, I'm not an alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic, I just believe these are wise words for everyone to live by)
With the smacking thing, I know the story behind it and from what you have told me it appears as though he has seen where he was wrong with the incident a year or so ago. As far as the smack on the hand goes, many parents do it, and I don't think its worth getting into arguments about it as long as its only ever a smack on the hand. I also see the contradictory side of it that he is smacking her hand because she smacked him. Ironic ha, Its just like telling your child to not smoke while your having a fag yourself. But anyway, a smack on her hand isn't going to affect her in the long run. It may make her look at him differently if she isn't getting that sort of punishment from you.
Your daughter will eventually work things out for herself as she grows older and time passes but, as long as he is not physically abusing her, then, I don't think its anything to get overly worried about.
The best thing for your little sweetheart is to reduce the conflict between you and her dad any way you can. Either of you becoming frustrated and angry is not a good thing. You know what sets him off so avoid it or think of a tactful way to get your point across without having to 'flick the switch' and visa versa. He knows how to press your buttons so you need to restrain yourself from allowing your buttons to be pressed, even if it means ignoring some comments he makes..
ANyway, I'll talk to you soon.. take care.. | |
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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/25/2009 10:14:03 AM | there is some difficulty there in my opinion. My ex wife and i are civil to each other and we both love our kids very much. We do not use the kids as a weapon. we both share and are both an active part of thier lifes. now as for the power and control i am giving you a mans point of view. we will bully u to do what we want you to do. we will take every effort nessacary to get what we want when it comes to our kids. but its a battle that also if a woman stands up and says you aint gonna do this then we back down.
and on the physical abuse. i do corparlly discipline my children. not to the point of beating or leveing marks. I dont degrade my children or my ex wife. but a apanking wont hurt but hitting a child because they hit thats not good.
and remeber you are divorced. if he thinks you are a bad woman should it really matter. he dosent have any right both durin or after the marriage to degrade you in any way shape or form. he has no respect for you and i would just ignore the text messages and tell him when you can talk to me as an adult and treat me like a person i am not returning your texts. and if you continue when you or i pick up the child we will do it in a public place | |
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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/25/2009 2:13:06 PM | Itsallinthesoul,
I have so much to say about this situation that I wouldn't know where to start. But since this is quite a personal matter, and we have already spoke to each other directly on the phone, perhaps you could call me or email me somewhere during this weekend if you want to talk about it?
I agree with most of the posters here: verbal abuse is abuse and this is how your daughter will be raised if you let her with an abuser. Your ex seems to follow the exact, typical violence cycle. Both of you deserve better. | |
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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/25/2009 9:00:14 PM | I suggest you contact child protective services or a service for abused women and ask them for advice because his behaviour is effecting your child when it effects you - he's harassing you and it is not acceptible to allow him to behave this way.
My other piece of advice is that you need to turn his game back onto him. Don't give him any satisfaction when he picks on you. This comes naturally to me when someone is giving me a hard time. I tend to agonize over it until I recognize how to give them a taste of their own medicine. They really don't like that at all.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this every day!
edit - oh yeah, you can recommend to the court that he take anger management courses as well as parenting classes.
I did not read all the posts, but my roommate and his babymama have been through court for custody and CPS for BS - so you don't have to do this alone. CPS can be as much an aid to you as a nightmare to him.
good luck! | |
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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/25/2009 9:39:14 PM | You are a role model to your daughter. Take a stand and don't let him push you around. It sounds like not only you have been putting up with him, you daughter is too!
I have friends with abusive fathers that end up with abusive partners -- because that's what they saw! (Of course there are also those who refuse to be like their mothers...).
Use the law/court system to get him to lay off you. If you are honest and don't lie or exaggerate, there's nothing you should be ashamed of even though it will be a public record (because sometimes lawyers try to make you exaggerate so you'd win the case -- personal experience!) . BEST of luck to you and your daughter! | |
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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/25/2009 9:42:07 PM |
You Will Be Missed
Thoughts of you will cross our minds
Time and time again
Just as it does when anyone
Has lost a special friend
The memories that you leave behind
Will be looked back upon
The times we’d throw your ball
And watch you run across the lawn
You will be missed our fuzzy friend
As we bid you adieu
Our lives have all been truly blessed
To have had a friend like you | |
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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/25/2009 9:44:56 PM |
the second being child support (when his income doubled, we discussed it and he agreed he should pay and a few days later is calling me a gold digging biatch).
Why do either one of you have to pay child support when you both have your daughter for equal amounts of time? | |
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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/25/2009 10:19:38 PM | I am doing everything within my power legally at this time to do to minimize damage. I have a lawyer and consult regularly.
I could never parent effectively if I knew my ex could call CAS at anytime, could haul me into court anytime to decrease my time with my child, or whatever else might happen. I'm not saying you are wrong in any of this, I'm just telling you my own thoughts of being on the other end of it.
Also, unfortunately it seems like the two of you have the most opposite personalities, and your ex may find you extremely frustrating to deal with, because you think so differently from the way he thinks. Again, not saying there is anything wrong with the way you think.
Since you are trying to parent as if you were 2 people living together (married, or in some form of a committed relationship) I tried to imagine calling CAS on my husband if he spanked our daughter. I just cannot picture it. I can imagine flipping out a him for it, and demanding that he get counseling if he didn't realize it was wrong, until he realized his egregious error. I just cannot imagine calling in an outside agency like CAS. Again, not saying you were wrong at all for calling them when you did.
Anyway, just wanted to give another perspective. | |
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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/26/2009 7:46:31 AM | | Please tell me you took and saved pictures of the bruising. These will be invaluable should you have to go to court to get your custody redone. Okay, here is my opinion, take it as you may. My stbx husband was also mentally and emotionally abusive. He would blow up over nothing. A big part of my final decision to leave him was for our daughter (almost 2 now, and the smartest little thing that ever walked the earth!) I grew up in a household with my dad doing the same thing. Hell, I'm 25 years old and I still deal with my dad's attitude. The difference: I'm 25, I've learned to blow him off, came to cope with those demons long ago. The similarity: I still feel like a small child sometimes when he or my ex-husband starts yelling at me. I have irreversible damage from my childhood situation and my marriage combined.You do not want your daughter to live this way. The other posters are absolutely right. If he is mentally abusing you, it is only a matter of time before he starts in on her. I would seriously suggest a restraining order, for the sake of your health. Also, if you can get a restraining order, or a no contact order, you have the option of requiring him to take anger management classes. Best of luck. | |
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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/26/2009 12:20:57 PM | Never put up with anything that may influence your child in the long haul. If they know your not happy, or if they see any sign of abuse they will only think its ok.
If it's not working get out, if your lucky you can come to some kind of agreement that is benificial to your child.
If not, your child is better to be alone with you then be raised in an unhappy home. | |
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RNBN
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Joined: 4/12/2009
Msg: 64 | |
| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/26/2009 5:19:32 PM | | I fully understand exactly what you are saying. I myself am going thorough exactly what you are going through with one minor exception. My x will only see my son every other weekend (her choice) If you feel that your daughter has been physically abused you need to call child protection services. Recording conversations/emails will serve no purpose. A judge does not care about you or you x only the child. If you are not willing to call child protection services than cut him off. Do not speak to him/call him/email him. Find someone to drop off and pick up your child. That is what I am doing. I will no longer allow my x to abuse me. Be for you and your child, you owe it to yourself. Your child is better off not seeing conflict. We do not live in a perfect world and our children are capable, (with a loving caring parent) to grow to their full potential even with parents who do not communicate. When are you going to stop allowing the abuse to go on? You yourself have sated that you cannot change him so please for you and you child move on. I know it is hard. I myself feel a sense of shame/humiliation/failure at the end of my marriage but I understand that it was not my cause or my fault. I will live for my son and myself. | |
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RNBN
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Joined: 4/12/2009
Msg: 65 | |
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RNBN
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Joined: 4/12/2009
Msg: 66 | |
| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/26/2009 5:53:49 PM | | I loved your posts but as an educated man (valedictorian of my graduating class) don’t regurgitate someone else’s empirical analysis of a situation, formulate your own. You appear to be very passionate about this subject so please speak from the heart. Use your education to guide your thoughts and provide more than just quotes. People relate to life experience melded with education. Abused people need care not facts. | |
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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/26/2009 8:33:22 PM | To all Concerned,
I am the father of the 4 year old described in the post above. What you have read is one side of the story. Needless to say there is another. Suffice it to say the actual situation described is a wholly different one.
I am absolutely convinced that itsallinthesoul actually believes what she has posted here and therein lies the rub. How do two people raise a child together, yet apart, when they perceive reality in entirely different ways? I have been struggling with this issue for nearly 5 years now. I can guarantee you all there are no easy answers.
Let me give you some background. I am a university graduate and self employed working within the federal government.
To give you some context with what has not been told by itsallinthesoul is that I have been assaulted on no less than 3 occasions. Although I have never been harmed by these assaults they are troubling to me in so much as I would have been surely arrested and charged if I had committed those acts. I have been repeatedly threaten with court action, CAS involvement, and had police called on me a number of times for reasons the strain credulity. As is usually the case, itsallinthesoul will see her actions in a different light and offer an apology years later.
I have had to grin and bear all of this alone as I do not have a partner nor do I have family in this city. I will say that every passing year as our daughter gets older it gets a little easier and the incidents when they do happen are less severe. Early on, I acted a lot out of fear. Fear of itsallinthesoul's tales being believed by judges and the system, fear of being relegated to a weekend daddy with little or no influence over the person my daughter would become. That fear has now almost all gone away. Mostly because I have withstood itsallinthesoul's best efforts to marginalize me. It is truly amazing how much better life is when one does not have to live in fear. I should say at this point that there was an incident that itsallinthesoul referred to, that suggests I committed an act of violence against her. The truth is, that I only ever made contact with her in with a single finger, and it was in self defence and the police agreed. I truly hope that itsallinthesoul does not continue to use that unfortunate incident, not of my making, to claim she is in fear of violence from me.
itsallinthesoul and I are currently having difficulties again. It is my earnest hope that my response to this post will not inflame matters and make things worse. I could have gone into much more detail, but I don't have time for that. I just wanted to related hat there is another side to this story. All my efforts to achieve a lasting and just peace for all concerned have so far failed. My plan is to take things just one day at a a time and act honourably, and in a way that my daughter can be proud of. That said I am certainly not perfect nor am I a saint. I have acted badly at times for which I have apologized. My only defence is that after years of conflict, my capacity for diplomacy has at times been exhausted.
As I re-read the initial post by itsallinthesoul, I find it necessary to comment on the incident where I allegedly abused my daughter. I did spank her. I am not a spanker by nature and the incident felt ugly to me and within an hour informed itsallinthesoul about the incident in excruciating detail over the course of 45 minutes. Later that evening itsallinthesoul informed me that there was a bruise on our daughter's behind. Two days later I was under investigation by CAS and the police. The police dropped the case almost immediately and CAS persisted keeping an open file on me for over a year. So I guess this is what passes for child abuse in our society. I have my regrets about that incident but I am in no way an abuser of children.
So there you have it... a little taste of the other side of the story. I hope that upon reading this you do not think of me as the total uncaring ***hole described in this thread. I have tried counseling with itsallinthesoul on 2 occasions and both failed ending in anger and hostility.
Even though I am sitting in my air condition basement typing this post, I have broken out in a sweat as I contemplate clicking on the post button. I do not wish to make matters worse by openly contradicting itsallinthesoul's story, but here I am trying and hopefully succeeding at living without fear. It's only been less than a year since the last time the police rolled up on my driveway escorting itsallinthesoul for the purpose of delivering court documents because she claimed that she couldn't afford the $40 for a process server and told the police that the court documents (tax records) were extremely important and that she was in fear of physical harm from me if she had to deliver them alone.
I will sign off now on this note. I have not read the entirety of this thread and I am making no accusations but I hope all of you giver itsallinthesoul only the best and most thoughtful of advice and recommendations in moving forward. I do not plan to use this forum as a means of communication with itsallinthesoul and so do not plan on revisiting this thread.
Best of luck to you all... and have a great Canada Day!!
Otiss66
P.S. The question in the subject line "Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?"... the operative word there is "it". We both disagree as to what "it'" really is, but in my opinion, the answer is YES. Our daughter is turning out to be one hell of a fabulous little lady and I for one am not going to quit now. | |
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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/26/2009 9:13:53 PM |
Child support is not spousal support. Any increase in a parents wage should benefit the child. Children must always have the best that both parents have to offer.
Really? so how is it then possible for a single custodial parent to work part time while any ncp is required to work full time?
However, the Supreme Court has also made their comments on these issues. Justice Bastarache, writing for the Court in Francis v. Baker, states the following:
However, even though the Guidelines have their own stated objectives, they have not displaced the Divorce Act, which clearly dictates that maintenance of the children, rather than household equalisation or spousal support, is the objective of child support payments. Subsection 26.1(2) of the Act states that "The guidelines shall be based on the principle that spouses have a joint financial responsibility to maintain the children of the marriage in accordance with their relative abilities to contribute to the performance of that obligation" (emphasis added). While standard of living may be a consideration in assessing need, at a certain point, support payments will meet even a wealthy child's reasonable needs. In some cases, courts may conclude that the applicable Guideline figure is so in excess of the children's reasonable needs that it must be considered to be a functional wealth transfer to a parent or de facto spousal support.
Wealth transfer...would seem to suggest effectively spousal support...Yet the view does not even take into consideration the lack of legal obligation for the custodial parent to be working
And when in Canada a custodial parent is collecting spousal///sorry child support for
a child from the biological parent...and also cs from a step parent under loco laws...you still want to suggest it is not effectively spousal support?
A fair standard of support for children, within the context of divorce, should allow a relatively stable continuation of their lives — emotionally and financially
There is no consideration of the involvement of the support-paying parent in the children's lives, and no money left in the hands of the support-paying parent to provide the same consistent quality of life between the children's homes. The concept of child support only addresses the custodial parent. So a ncp who is left in a lessened finacial position is simply disregarded. But the custodial mothers of course simply talk about the myth of all men doing better after the separation.....and then talking about single mothers in poverty...refusing to discuss that many of those mothers would be a poverty case anyways....or the ncp is a poverty case as well.
But why dont we talk about shared or joint custody....or where there was a change from being a weekend parent to sharing 50/50 and the set off accounting method was deemed not acceptable by the Supreme Court of Canada..
Contino v. Leonelli-Contino
Where the standard sett odd amount was deemed unduly harsh or not recognising that the mothers fixed costs of her housing costs did not go down just because she was sharing the custody 50/50.....and that does not suggest spousal support?
LICATIONS
The Court of Appeal has not considered the tax implications of a shared custody arrangement even though paragraph 9(c) would allow for this. By failing to do so, one could argue that the parent who is unable to claim certain credits has suffered unjustifiable discrimination. This results in unfair treatment of the child when he is living with that parent. The CCRA will not permit a parent who pays any child support during any part of the year to claim the “eligible dependant credit” (equivalent-to-spouse credit). With respect to the Child Tax Benefit, if the parties cannot agree on which parent should receive it, the CCRA will determine who in its view has primary responsibility for the child and make the payments to that person.[35] These two tax factors can have a significant effect in a section 9 situation and they ought to be considered.
FIXED COSTS
The Court expressed justifiable concern for the former sole custodial parent’s fixed costs not changing appreciably.[24] In the same paragraph, the Court expressed a child-centred approach when it stated: “the child should, so far as possible, enjoy a comparable standard of living in both households.”[25] But the thrust of the Court’s approach exhibited some degree of favouritism for the concerns of the former sole custodial parent in preference to the other parent. A court should be, I submit, equally solicitous of the other parent’s fixed costs as well. Should not those fixed costs be given equal weight at law under section 9? If the time is split 50-50, are not both parents equally custodial parents now? Does it really make that much difference if the time is 40 per cent or 50 per cent? It could be argued that the court is discriminating against an identifiable class of individuals here. Section 9 itself does not discriminate. The goal of trying to achieve a comparable standard of living for the child in both households does not in itself necessarily discriminate.[26] On the other hand, emphasizing only one parent’s fixed costs may indeed discriminate where a plain reading of section 9 itself simply does not afford any such advantage to one parent over the other.
Paul Millar and Anne H. Gauthier, “What Were They Thinking? The Development of Child Support Guidelines in Canada” (2002) 17(1) Canadian Journal of Law and Society 139, especially at p. 155: “…the legislated guidelines do not account for child-related costs for the non-custodial parent.”
Department of Justice Canada, Formula For the Table of Amounts Contained in the Federal Child Support Guidelines: A Technical Report (CSR- 1997-1E) (Child Support Team, December 1997). This obscure eight page publication is a must read. After not being publicly posted for many years, it is now available on the Department of Justice website at http://canada.justice.gc.ca/en/ps/sup/pub/reports/csr-1997-1.pdf.
Kyle Mitchell & Paul Henman, "Estimating the Costs of Contact for Non-resident Parents: a budget standards approach" (2001) 30 Journal of Social Policy 495.
always easy for a custodial parent to sit and hold out their hand and suggest it is in the best interest of the child...while the best interest might also be insuring that both parents are legislated to earn an income or be finacially stable?
But the I have never liked to take what i do not earn myself. I am capable of finacially supporting my children without holding up my ex to extort additional finacial resources.
But then educated people have different views based on different experiences AND different exposures to data! | |
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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/27/2009 5:32:33 AM | | The other side all ways nice to see. Makes it a bit harder to be the judge and juror. I wonder if any of the posted that put up comments earlier have changed their thoughts. I mean some had stuff about taking the law into ones own hands lol. The forums are not only one side, sometimes they are just BS. Here I see two people that don't like each other at all, but they both care about their child. Got to hope they can work it out. I think the best way for them to to that is to build a wall. I.E. limit their talking, together time, everything that they can limit they should. Who knows after a few years of only talking about pick-up or drop-off they might even be able to have a conversation about her third grade spelling test without it turning into a fight about who should have gone over the words with her better. Good luck you two. I mean that got a kid to bring up. Hope it works out. | |
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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/27/2009 6:22:40 AM | I wonder if any of the posted that put up comments earlier have changed their thoughts.
I am sticking with my assessment in my latest post before we heard the other side, because it was pretty much in line with what I thought he may have been feeling. I do see, however, that my initial feelings may have been wrong. | |
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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/27/2009 6:53:11 AM | When two parents are NOT under the same roof AND they have such vastly different parenting styles, this is the outcome. The passionate love for your child compounded with the passionate belief that your way is the right way (because it is instinctual) is a bomb waiting to explode.
I have been through this. My ex husband and I, cycled thru all of these phases. It is the one element I was not prepared for when we split. I had read about it, but had no clue the actual consequences. Since my son turned 12 however, I dont try to call him, or accept his calls wanting to discuss issues surrounding our son. I politely say 'we always argue about this issue and if you need to tell me something or ask me a question send me an email', and I hang up. He was livid at first, but in time it just came to be, I never caved. You see, by then I had accepted the fact that we were NEVER going to agree on how our son should be raised. That is what broke us up in the first place. My son being 12 could tell me about what was happening anyways, and we would talk alot about it. If he called from dads and told me his Dad was grouchy, I would advise him to make sure he behaved and did his chores, so that dad would not take it out on him. I explained some people have a shorter fuse and when they explode it is not always about what is happening right there and then. I used these talks as a way to help him cope with these issues, as I would if he were telling me about troubles at school. Just coached him how to get through it as best as he could.
All I can say is, if you cannot manage this arrangment of keeping in touch without arguing etc...scale back to only written communication for a set period of time. One of you tell the other you will only respond via email, for 3 months. Then come back and slowly try once more. As soon as things get heated, one of you has to force that it go back to email. You may well never get out of emailing. That at least is better than showing the anger to your daughter.
If both of you really have her best interests at heart, than agree to disagree and keep all communication written only. (it also helps as people have selective memory, to have promises, decisions etc in writing) You may think it is confusing to her if you have seperate rules that dont mesh...but in reality, if you are each consistant in your individual rules, she will fall in line. Consistancy and knowing what to expect are more important. She will learn what to expect at each of your homes, no problem, And they CAN be different. Rules are different in every home she will go to anyways, visiting relatives, friends...she needs to learn how to cope with that anyways.
I never did get my ex to see things my way, and I certainly never saw his ways as good...but my son is now 16. We often talk about the differences between his parents, and I think what will happen is he will take what works for him, maybe the best of each parent, in bits and pieces. He has been exposed to 'more than one way to skin a cat' so to speak. I am hopeful that will actually help him in the long run.
I hope you two can just learn to live as you should, individually, and just love that child. Never mind what each parent does in thier own home. It will only drive you crazy. Let it go. Accept you cannot control it anyways. (unless it is abusive) Your child will comminicate with you how things go, you should each react by offering advice that will enable her to get along at the others home as much as you can. That is your job now.
Good luck! | |
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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/27/2009 7:08:35 AM | All that this post has convinced me of is that joint shared physical custody with the kid be shuffled back and forth weekly between two homes does not work. Two different philosophies, two different mindsets and one kid bearing the brunt of adult he said/she said pettiness and BS.
I don't want to lose what is mine so I become belligerent, angry and scared due to my 'fear'. It's a child, check your ego at the door, its not about 'your fear' its about what is best for the child. If you cannot keep your hands to yourself then perhaps the strain of parenthood is getting to be too much for you and you need to take a step back.
Your lack of friends and family close by leaves you with no support system which is why you are struggling.
Getting along with the Mother of your child is easy when you respect your boundaries and she respects yours. My simple advice is NEVER enter her home again wait outside for your child. Do not speak to her unless absolutely nessesary. | |
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| Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/27/2009 7:41:03 AM |
All that this post has convinced me of is that joint shared physical custody with the kid be shuffled back and forth weekly between two homes does not work. Two different philosophies, two different mindsets and one kid bearing the brunt of adult he said/she said pettiness and BS.
I don't want to lose what is mine so I become belligerent, angry and scared due to my 'fear'. It's a child, check your ego at the door, its not about 'your fear' its about what is best for the child.
You cannot tell another person not to feel an emotion. Emotions occur independent of conscious will.
If you cannot keep your hands to yourself then perhaps the strain of parenthood is getting to be too much for you and you need to take a step back.
He explained that one incident where he spanked his daughter and he knows that was wrong.
Your lack of friends and family close by leaves you with no support system which is why you are struggling.
Getting along with the Mother of your child is easy when you respect your boundaries and she respects yours. My simple advice is NEVER enter her home again wait outside for your child. Do not speak to her unless absolutely nessesary.
Good advice. | |
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