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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/25/2009 1:17:03 PM | Why is it that women have this preoccupation with thinking that just because a man is with you, in a relationship or married...that all of a sudden all eyes should be just on YOU?
Phht, big time.
Betcha he only had eyes for her when he was courting her and trying to win her heart. Let me twist your logic around. Why does a man only have eyes for his girl in the initial stages? Why does he lust after her over anyone else, in the intitial stages?
And once, he's won her heart, why do his eyes and lust stray??? It is emotionally hurtful to be with the one you love, noticing that he is drooling over another woman and not you.
I think my last two major relationships were with emotional man-childs. In the first year or two, their eyes were glommed on me. It made me feel like the most attractive, sexiest woman alive and I loved it! Somewhere, somehow they lost that lustful look for me and gained it for other women. I no longer felt like a sexy, attractive woman to them...and I was. I was an avid sexual partner and if anything I paid more and more attention to my appearance as their interest waned.
For instance, my ex BF was totally turned on in the beginning seeing me in overalls or flannel pyjamas. In time, even a black corset (and I looked GOOD in it) didn't raise the "angle". He loved me, I am sure, but I was familiar territory and was no longer his hot mamma.
I'll tell you one thing. Iffen I'm ever in a relationship again (that starts with a sexual basis) and he starts ogling other women more than me, I'm outta there. No sitting around wondering what's wrong with me. The wondering will be knowledge that there's something wrong with him! | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/25/2009 1:30:16 PM | Do you really think you alone can turn off thousands of years of genetic evolution that exists within your husband,
yourself,
and everyone else?
I kinda find this expectation a bit naive, and this is coming from a committment-guy.
I think if you have ANY fault it should be in HOW he observes other women.
If he's glancing and looking, while not staring or gawking at her ... who cares?
How can he NOT observe his surroundings, especially when someone who's designed to catch his attention, becomes visable?
But if he's making judgemental comments, openly sexually objectifying her, and blatantly ignoring your feelings .. then fine .. he's an insensitive ass.
Do you look and appreciate attractive men?
How about other women?
How about celebrities?
Is it only okay when your partner is not around?
Shouldn't they be the person your honest with and trust?
Does your husband embody the entirity of all your desires?
And if not ... then why should you?
I'd be concern about a man who ...
- Openly objectifies strange women.
Or
- Who never does it at all.
Everything in the middle is natural, for both genders.
and until MEN line-up at airports to scream and cry at Celebrities they've never met, but obsesse over due to their status and looks .... well .... should women really talk? | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/26/2009 10:04:19 AM | I am tired of women dressed like sluts.
Just what does a "slut" dress like???? I have a cousin whose happily married and has been for a long length of time and her husband loves for her to dress "less than conservative." She's NO slut. BUT, you'd probably think so. Augh I hate stereotypers. If you don't "approve" of how someone dresses, DON'T LOOK ~ pretty simple. - verygreeneyez
Thank you for that, verygreeneyez
I cannot believe that such a ridiculous idea as that (dressing like a slut), still exists in the 21st century. How utterly Neanderthal!
And how many men complain that after marriage, their wives no longer "make an effort to look good", for their man? Hypocritical much?
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And in response to the OP: There is a heck of a big difference between looking & staring. This man is very rude & inconsiderate. I know that many people believe that looking
while in a relationship is "normal". Personally, this is something I do not agree with. I think it's an indication that there are problems in the relationship. But that's just MY
opinion, based on me & my own personal experiences. The only time I find myself looking is either when I am single or when my relationship is in BIG trouble. And the only
man I have ever been involved with who was a real "looker", turned out to be a real jerk & a cheater.
Frau Blücher had some terrific advice:
Tell him that while you understand that it is natural to notice and give an admiring glance to an attractive individual, you feel very disrespected when he ogles other women?
Perhaps he doesn't realize how obnoxiously obvious he is being & that it is hurtful, disrespectful & wrong, to be treating you this way.
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I did find myself wondering about this:
I always love these types of questions from women who won't post a pic of themselves AND who have Prefer Not To Say for body type.
So let's get this straight...you have poor self-image. My guess is you're more than a few pounds overweight...and you're not "comfortable in your own skin". - j!dub
But then I kept reading the thread & saw your response in post #18. Thank you for clearing up that mis-conception. Many married people who chat in the forums here, or are here
just to make friends, have no picture, to keep down the number of annoying emails 
OP, if you've been happily married for a year, did he show this sort of dis-respectful behaviour BEFORE you got married? Because if he did & you married him anyway, it's probably
not only too late, but also is partly your own fault, for not dealing with this issue much sooner. If it is something relatively new, I would say you either need to have a talk with him
about how it is damaging your relationship, get counselling, or get the heck out!
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I suppose because women I have been out with are attractive women, they haven't felt "threatened" that I might take a quick glance at the other people in the room. - RenaissanceMan1950
You are comparing apples & oranges, RenaissanceMan1950. There's a big difference between a "quick glance" & "staring". A quick glance shows that you noticed, but also shows
that you are capable of behaving properly in public, not embarrassing your partner with a rude, overt display of inappropriate behaviour. It also shows repect.
At 5'4" & 110 pounds, the OP is on the slender side of average (at least by Canadian standards) & she stated she does not have a body image problem, nor with her looks. I
suspect her insecurity is being CAUSED by her husbands dis-respectful behaviour.
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Andf all I can say in response to BigDaddyJinx's post:
Men have EYES. We LOOK. Yes, we even STARE. And guess what...if women didn't walk around in micro mini's, and stilettos, and their boobs pouring outta their tops chances are that would stop. Your issue ain't with the man, it's with your own kind. Start pointing fingers where they belong.
It's fairly typical to blame the women for the man's bad behaviour (she made me do it, your Honour!), but it's still BuLLSH*T!!
And I totally agree with Goodewitch, in post #40! It's about respect!! | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/26/2009 10:17:41 AM | The best way to deal with it is just to say "wow, she's hot, isn't she?".
Showing insecurities or anger will not help you in your marriage. | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/26/2009 10:50:35 AM | ^^^^ Uhm, that's likely to backfire, too. I mean, what if this causes them to discover they have entirely different tastes in women? Imagine the disappointment....
It's not like merely looking means he necessarily thinks she's a 10. He's looking to determine if she is one, which is rather unlikely seeing as how rare the 10's are.
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:44:22 PM | "Brain washing" ... why is it okay for women to make such generalized sexist statements and accusations, but if I man does anything of the sort, the mobs there to lynch for morality?
Or maybe you're mistaking emotionality and insecurity with natural instincts.
We are DESIGNED to notice each other.
We are a creature who reproduces.
Both sexes have developed complex and indepth rituals to draw the attention of their desired mates.
We are a society that accepts and promotes status, via looks and sexuality.
As a collective we willing breed and condition these social and natural aspects since childhood.
Does this excuse a lack of will power and tact? No .. but the idea that someone can't lose themselves EVER in a moment while admiring a stranger who happens to embody many attractive qualities, justifiably demonizes you and your gender?
When I notice a girl I'm interested in checking out another guy ... even if its a celebrity which irritates the hell out of me .. but hey .. women and double standards right? .... but when I notice, I don't cry, or whine, or hate the world, or start a cause ...
I observe, I learn and I adapt. What about that guy has caught her eye and what can I, her partner do to further enduce her desire and fulfillment without compromising my own beliefs?
LoL ... Welcome to the real world, it doesn't exist on ideals or hopes ... its practical, efficient and at times unfair. | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:46:46 PM | Tell him that you feel that he's too obvious about it.
Most guys will at least be understanding about it if you say, "I accept that you're going to look at other women, but damn, man... don't stare while I'm sitting right here!" | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:48:07 PM | Why do women speak like they're excused or immune o such conduct, behavior or choices?
heres the reality ... women have been allowed to forge and reinforce as many MALE stigma's and complaints as they want, no matter the obivious double standards, and uncchallenged out of the guilt of a sexist past.
The question should be ... why do PEOPLE seem do this ..........
and heres the truth .. despite all those fantasy you read, those walt disney movies you watched, and the old illusions of love and family from decades past....
You are all full of shit?
maybe?
"I want a funny guy with personality" = As long as he's physically attractive, makes good money, drives a car I like and makes my friends jealous.......
or at least thats what you settle on after you've be burned the first Prince, who you'll them probably cheat on with your friends husband after drinking to much wine lol. | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/27/2009 3:11:39 PM | Gnosis you said this
Does this excuse a lack of will power and tact? No .. but the idea that someone can't lose themselves EVER in a moment while admiring a stranger who happens to embody many attractive qualities, justifiably demonizes you and your gender?
Okay, so you know such impulses do not excuse the bad manners and behaviour,.. so what the heck is the rest of your rant about then?
Seems irrelevant to me, and makes you look very bitter and disillusioned with the female population, so be it... all of us are less than ideal eh?
Honestly all this anthropologcal b*llocks about hard wiring, evolution and what not,.. look, why are we going back over? Men in time past as not so long ago as a bout 10 years it seems, didnt think that being obnoxios and ogling other women whilst out with a partner was just a natural thing.
They knew enough to keep impulse looking to a minimum. It disrespects the partner, . Yes, just like a girl fawning all over some celebrity dude when shes with you is disespectful to you too.
But people fawn over celebrities, men too, its just that their celebrity drool material usually has huge boobs and appears in porn..see what i'm getting at Gnosis? We all need to keep selfish , obnoxious behaviour that disrespects a partner to the absolute minimum.
Men are 'demonised' (strong wording of yours, but hey, I'll go with it) because theyre the worst offenders for staring and ogling in an obvious sexual mannedr at women, when out with a partner.Really, you think its insecurity on the part of a girlfreind to not like that? Or justifyied bloody annoyance at being blatantly disrespected in front of her face.
Come on lad, dont play all sociologcal with us.. it doesnt cut any ice in the real bloody world.
G. x | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/27/2009 3:16:40 PM |
Men have EYES. We LOOK. Yes, we even STARE. And guess what...if women didn't walk around in micro mini's, and stilettos, and their boobs pouring outta their tops chances are that would stop. Your issue ain't with the man, it's with your own kind. Start pointing fingers where they belong.
Blame your own kind.
So this is one rationale for women's modest dress in Islam: if women are not covered, they attract men's attention. So, rather than teach men to control themselves, women are taught to cover up. (And yes I know I know, men are expected to dress modestly too yet somehow that never means covering from head to toe as it does sometimes for women)
OP, tell your husband that it is inappropriate for him to stare/ogle women. A look, a glance, fine (and you will deal with whatever insecurities you have over that). Do not "just live with it." Deal with it. There is no excuse to justify one spouse continuing to do something that they know is hurtful to their partner!
I am tired of women dressed like sluts. Some women will dress like one and when you ever slightest look they will give you a dirty look and nasty remark. Frankly these kind of women don't impress me much. I may have looked because I do look at people, that doesn't mean I am horny about it. It would be nice to see women dress decent in the future. The hottest women I have seen didn't dress like sluts.
And I am so tired of men dressing like sluts, forcing me to stare at their tightly denim-wrapped packages, bulgin' biceps, ripped six packs. What's wrong with a nice three-piece suit? Or a dress uniform?  | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/27/2009 3:38:20 PM | | I can only speak from my experience but I know I can look at a woman and appreciate her beauty without lusting. I know most women will find that hard to believe but it is true. However, one cannot help but notice a woman's assets if she is advertising them. I find a beautiful smile and nice disposition much more appealing than any sexual vibes she might be trying to give off. | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/27/2009 3:44:10 PM |
How can I not let it bother me?
Help him out, point out good looking girls so he doesn't have to do all the work himself and can spend more time looking at you. Make it a game for the two of you, have fun with it. :) Don't forget to point out women and men that you find attractive.
Now if he's staring at women for extended time, I think that's rude. Few people like to be ogled - but if it's just a look, heck - means nothing.
JMO | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/27/2009 4:10:20 PM | ever wonder what would happen if you did the same thing. And how he would react... or maybe you can go and get the sexiest dress the sexiest heels and have the guy glance at you. how would he react..Just because ur with him doesn't mean you can't be a drop dead beautiful women. Sometime we forget..how to be sexy for our man. they love that. good luck | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/27/2009 4:45:50 PM | you can let it not bother you by slapping him and telling him its rude to stare!!
a quick glance is no biggy, it wouldnt bother me if my guy looked, but to stare like a creep is a little much. yuck! and if he knows it bothers you and he still does it, i think you have a bigger problem than him looking at other girls.
good luck. | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:34:33 PM | Wow Michaelann,
I feel like you read me completely! You are right I am not insecure, when I was single I always when on dates and I have always had boyfriends. AND you are right that his staring at other women in front of me is what is causing my insecurity. While we were dating he did look but lately he just stares for a longer period of time.
I know that he finds me attractive and he tells me he loves me all the time, but it just gets under my skin when I catch him really staring. We live in Miami where women here are beautiful as well as the men. And some women do dress a little provacative but that is not an excuse. I notice other men don't stare in front of thier wives or g/f's.
This is a big fault that he has that I hate. I just wish that I didn't care so much. | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:38:11 PM | If your husband is not willing to listen to you when you tell him how much this bothers you, he is disrespecting you.
If he disrespects you over such a small and insignificant thing - more than likely he is not caring or considering your feelings or opinions about much larger and more significant things as well.
If the man you are married to doesn't respect you.
Doesn't listen to you when you tell him what he is doing hurts you or offends you.
What value does your marriage really have to him?
I know this sounds extreme but in my opinion, this is merely a small symptom of your husband's genuine lack of care about you at all.
I think his give a dammm is broke and you're not relevent to him at all.
Next time he does it - tell him he did it, walk away from him completely and disappear for 24 hours.
Maybe he'll get the message through his damm head then.
If not?
I guess you know where you rank in what matters most to him.
If you want to stay married to someone who cares so little about you?
That's your choice.
And yes, I also agree that you're probably insecure and immature as well....but for real? The guy should care and should respect you. | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/28/2009 1:41:59 PM |
If the man you are married to doesn't respect you.
Doesn't listen to you when you tell him what he is doing hurts you or offends you.
In other words, in the opinion of some women, when a woman tells a man to "jump", the only appropriate response is to ask her "how high, dear?"
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/28/2009 3:26:46 PM | Make a game of it: When you see a gorgeous gal.. point her out to him.. he'll appreciate it and after awhile you'll be desensitized to his appreciation of an attractive person. With any luck, he'll do the same for you and point you to a shirtless labourer with sun tanned musclezzzzz    | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/28/2009 3:33:25 PM | I'm sure there will be lots of explanations and theories, but something that bugs me that is not often brought up, is that just because someone is attractive, does not mean they want to be stared at by drooling people who have no self-control. Really, a person may dress up and go out and hope to be seen as attractive but that does not mean they expect to be your fantasy nor do they want to be the center of your sexual desires and they really don't want you rubbernecking while you are with someone else, they are not needy for your attention. I have two attractive daughters, I know they get so sick of this when they are minding their own business, they are not products.
Leering is disrespectful when one has not consented to your interest, thinking you have no control over your own actions, like you are nothing but an evolutionary action is disrespectful to those you are so busy drooling over. We all look when we see someone sexy or butt ugly, etc., but how we act shows our character, when you don't have any, don't use excuses about how you can't help it. How we treat others, how we act in situations, shows who & what we are. | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/28/2009 3:38:30 PM | | It is very disrespectful for a man or a woman to stare at someone while in the presence of their spouse/SO. Taking a glance is one thing but to watch them walk down the street or to turn for a better look is just down-right tacky and should not be done. | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/28/2009 3:43:12 PM | Oh, honey, he's married to you!!! Look too!!!
My continually finds it amusing that I point out beautiful women to him, and comment.Hey I am secure enough to recognise a good looking set of legs, or butt or whatever, it doesn't bother me a bit that someone else's butt is smaller than mine...my bf likes what he's got in me!
I look at guys too, but he pulls the 'I dunno, I'm a guy' line on me most of the time, and I get a good laugh out of it!
I don't care what lights the fire, as long as I'm always doin' the cookin'!
Beth | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/28/2009 3:57:29 PM | Oh and by the way, for the record, I agree with the other GoodeWitch, it is all about respect, and unless I am teasing or I bring it up, my beloved is respectful enough NOT to do it. There's a big difference in being with someone like my bf who I get a kick out of teasing, and some big oaf acting like he's starving for it every time a mini-skirt walks by.
It's all about your relationship and respect. If you looking too doesn't make him recognize what he is doing and buck up, then a good smack in the johnson will!
Beth | |
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| When your man checks out other girls
Posted: 6/28/2009 4:06:31 PM | Rather than try to let it not bother you pay attention to your feelings. They are there for a reason. Too often we try to change how we feel instead of listening to it. Your feelings are never "wrong". How can a feeling be wrong? It's there and there is a reason for it to be there.
Have you tried to calmly talk to him about it? He is hurting your feelings.
Let him know it. Say to him "When you stare so obviously at other women it makes me feel bad. Could you just glance at them and not make it so obvious when you look at other women?"
He should respect your feelings. | |
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