| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:03:19 AM | | Yes they do, but trust is more a reflection of our own personality than what the other person is. We all have a tendancy to project onto others our major traits and issues, traslated that means if we are trust worthy we trust others, if on the other hand we believe everyone is lying, it is because we lie. We all see ourselves as being normal, and like everyone else, so we assume that everyone else is like us. This is one of the reasons that so many personality test ask you questions about what you think the average person is like. Women that are trust worthy, trust, women that do not trust others do not mistrust because of experience, but because of who they are. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:25:18 AM | Right on Landra2
The thing about trust is that is shouldn't be given instantly, it should be earned.
Talk is cheap and people can say whatever they wish. But only time will prove if their words are true or not.
Yes trust has to be earned,it is very difficult when one puts them self out there, looking for someone who is trustworthy and a lot of qualities you want in a man and to find out it was all a lie, he can never be trusted.
I guess I always look for the good in people and place them on a pedistal where they don't belong.
I my self have come to believe that trust is dead, or maybe I am just finding the wrong kind of men..
After one has been lied to it is very difficult to trust again, my self I feel it is better to be alone than to live with someone you can't and never will trust..
There are some people who live by lies and don't even realize their telling them, They wouldn't know how to tell the truth if it hit them in the face... | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 7:31:16 AM |
Is trust dead?
I believe in a person until s/he gives me a reason not to. I believe in a person's good and bad nature - just like I believe that if I piss-off a scorpion, I will receive its poison, but if I respect its power, I may avoid it.
I do think trust should be earned, but that's not possible without some level of trust to being with. How can A earn B's trust if B doesn't allow A such a chance?
If trust was money, how can anyone earn it without first getting a job? And to get a job, does that too not require trust?
Part of the notion of "earning" or even "trust" is that of "exchange" and the notion of "exchange" is that of "give and take". For "earning" to take place, someone has to first give, and for that to happen, trust is often, if not always a prerequisite. It's the same with "taking" - after all, do we not teach children to not accept/take anything from strangers?
It follows then that trust is first given, not earned. To know how much to first give, that's wisdom.
So to answer your question, no, trust is not dead, otherwise, all of us will be dead. However, in the dating world, and in particular among women, as they have been trained from early on to mistrust men, trust is quickly disappearing.
Women that are trust worthy, trust, women that do not trust others do not mistrust because of experience, but because of who they are.
I think there is quite a lot of truth to that. Even those who mistrust or trust based on experience, have their own prejudice, for many remember bad experiences more often than good experiences. And if the opposite is true, the person's prejudice makes them naive. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 7:34:47 AM | Well .. I don't judge a whole gender based on the actions of one or even a few for that matter.
We are All individuals.
Trust is Not dead. I trust a number of people. Those who give me reason not to trust them - represent only themselves.
SOME men are fulla chit
SOME women are fulla chit
Focus on the ones who aren't fulla chit!
I like this:
I believe in a person until s/he gives me a reason not to. I believe in a person's good and bad nature - just like I believe that if I piss-off a scorpion, I will receive its poison, but if I respect its power, I may avoid it.
me too. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 7:53:09 AM | Rhetorically, who cares if trust is dead?
"Deeds, not Words." Laconic, and accurate.
Those who speak truly and act rightly do not have to explain themselves.
Rather than concerning yourself with whether such men are rare, just be one. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:17:34 AM | | Stop picking on me, you bully. Even the most righteous man can get lonely. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:21:55 AM | | So nicely said shell225. Very mature answer. C | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:24:39 AM | I wouldn't say trust is dead. We just have to be very careful of who we put our trust in.
Trust is a very fragile thing.
For example, if an honest man says he doesn't lie or that he has never cheated on a woman, can a woman believe the truth?
This is a good question. I suppose if a man told me that he has never cheated, I would probably for the most part believe him. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:33:18 AM | Trust is not dead...and yes, it has to be earned, but not by asking for it or expecting it.
Let's say we all start off on an even foot in the relationship...we don't REALLY know what to expect; but we know what we HOPE for as far as honesty, integrity, etc.
If one partner immediately shows insecurities, and doesn't get over them shortly, do you really want to do that dance for all time?...worrying about how everything you say or do can be taken the wrong way? How exhausting!
On the other end, if someone shows you who they are by what they say and do...BELIEVE them! whether you're seeing positive or negative.... | |
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Phan59
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Joined: 5/26/2009
Msg: 35 | |
| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:38:25 AM | | I like the, start with 100%/demerit system! | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:38:47 AM |
It follows then that trust is first given, not earned. To know how much to first give, that's wisdom.
Excellent point within a great post X-file - one that expands on Landra's "Trust should not be given instantly but must be earned."
Trust is ALWAYS given (even by those who believe it must be earned). The thing I ask people who are in the "trust is earned" camp is this: what type of evidence and actions are you specifically looking for, and over what time, before you will make the decision to give that person your trust? What I have found is most haven't thought it through. What that means is they are demanding another person live up to a set of criteria that neither one has defined nor can express. << That is an impossible way to live life because it has it organized to fail and pretty much is guaranteed to fail (there might be some who manage to blunder their way through the maze, but I figure that is more luck than anything). Plus, when looking for evidence, sometimes we find what we are looking for... the vigilance some bring to searching for evidence that the other is untrustworthy doesn't allow for much open discovery of who people are... taking into account that we are all a collection of (so-called) good and bad attributes.
Who we are is shaped by our experiences and the decisions we have made about ourselves and the gap between "the way life works " and how we think "the way life should work". It is true some may be projecting their own untrustworthiness, but there is another consideration some posters have neglected to mention with this: if life has consistently occurred bad, then what people trust is that it will always occur bad in the future. Projection in this case is not that they will DO the behaviours themselves; what they project is the certainty that others will consistently show these behaviours. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:55:46 AM |
Do anybody think some decent men may be getting rejected over misplaced distrust?
OP -- I think that a good lot of man AND women (yes they are included) get rejected due to irrational and carbon dated fears about trust that were put there by some ex. It happens to men and women alike, not just one or the other. Men get overlooked, and so do women.
In my mind, trust is a word that HAD meaning once upon a time but now has been overused to the degree that, much like the word love, has no flavor anymore. It's spoken so often that it has no taste left in it...like gum that's been chewed wayyyyyyyyyy too long. Further, I think trust in this context is overrated and non-existent. Trust in those cases is a fallacy.
But this is just my point of view.
And the number one reason why I don't trust anyone. Trust leads to betrayal. Belief leads to disbelief. One is easier to manage...so I just prefer to believe in someone. If they let me down, I find it easier to cope because I never trusted them anyways.
Because so many understand that trust is such a commonly used word and expressed interest from people, those that use and abuse take that into account when they try to pass themselves off as the "honest one". They very well may be, but the odds are long indeed especially in the field of relationships. So people put up walls that are damn near impossible to overcome. Others trust so easy it's almost ridiculous. Men and woman alike that fall for the first sly smile and carefully selected word and they trust immediately. Then they get burned...again.
Face it, trust ain't like it used to be. When my Grandpa was my age, a handshake was a deal and your word (yes, just your word) was your bond. No one needed paperwork or Lawyers or contracts or pinkie promises or whatever else. Trust meant something back in those days. You were only as good as your word. Fast forward to the here and now and unless it's signed in triplicate, and notarized and witnessed after being prepared by a $400/hr Lawyer...trust is just another buzzword used to make people feel better.
In the "me me me all about me" generation we now live in, it's almost impossible to spot the fake "honest" from the real mc coy. They're virtually indistinguishable. So by due course, why is it any surprise that men and women all over the globe are getting rejected over trust issues? This shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. Unless you've been living under a rock all your life.
JMO. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:57:14 AM | Trust isn't dead, but I would say it's on life support. The way we live now - electronically and geographically dispersed - means we don't have the checks and balances (like - Imma tell your mama you did that! Or, I saw you in that club with another woman/man) - that we used to. Also, church and community are not as integral. So, people revert to a natural state of eat or be eaten. After all, we are just animals at heart, with our own best interests (whatever that is perceived to be) as our first priority. That means lying, cheating, stealing, disrespecting - whatever. ME FIRST.
Personally, my last date lied on his profile and thought it was funny. Not a great start.
So, until we have a spiritual revolution, or some true leadership with integrity (see that latest governor to go down?) I will tread lightly. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 9:02:13 AM | Both male and female have issues with trust for whatever reason. They build a wall around themselves when it comes to this. Getting through that wall can be difficult.
Really what is being done is your taking out on someone else something that has been done to you by someone else and not everyone is alike.
Trusting someone, although it may be difficult should be done until that person gives you reason not to trust. Definately keep your eyes opened and watch for red flags, but dont be prejudice and judge everyone as untrustworthy. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 9:09:51 AM |
Do anybody think some decent men may be getting rejected over misplaced distrust?
I trust someone until they give me a reason not to trust them. Now, before someone comes up with some ridiculous scenario, such as “would you trust a skanky crack ho on the street to hold your baby while you ran into market to pick up a few sundries”, trusting someone does NOT mean you lose all your common sense. Do I think that there are PEOPLE (not “just men") who always have to PROVE themselves, even when they’ve done NOTHING to warrant mistrust or suspicion? I absolutely believe that there are MANY folks who make the innocent suitor pay for the sins of asshats past, but what me worry? If someone mistrusts me without ever getting to know me or when I have done nothing to belie their trust in me, then I take it to mean that they probably have some issues that they’re still dealing with; ergo, we’re not going to be a match. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 9:23:06 AM | Trust is certainly not dead or everyone would be alone. Trust is a personal thing and individual to the relationship.
If my guy is totally into me I know it. If he isn't I know that too. If he does something that breaks my trust it depends on the circumstances. None of us are perfect and temptations aren't rare. I had to let go of someone I loved because he couldn't stop doing the same thing even after he regreted it. I had to let go of someone I loved because he just couldn't give me all I needed so I didn't trust myself in that relationship.
But I don't hold a past relationship as a mesure to go by for new relationships. I'm not shopping for a generic man, only one who can love me and be loved by me. That takes trust and it certainly isn't dead. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 9:27:46 AM | I don't think it's necessarily a black or white issue.
Just as there are different levels of trust there are also different levels of issues that may receive different levels of trust from the other person.
If someone suggests for us to meet at restaurant xyz at a certain time and date, then I'll trust that he'll be there. If he were to say to meet him at the airport, because we'll take his learjet for dinner to Paris, then I wouldn't trust him. But if I've known him for a while and his history has proven that he's capable of doing it, then he's earned my trust to believe it.
Then there're different character traits that change trust levels. Let's say someone was involved with a person that constantly changed their mind. They were completely sincere when they said certain things, but later something else/more interesting came up and they changed their mind. So, the other person did trust their instincts and felt that the other person was trust worthy and believable, because they absolutely meant it at the time, and now they didn't.
I believe trust is earned, but I think there's a neutral ground in there that I like to meet people on. I take them on their word, but that doesn't mean that I'm gullible and would believe everything. So, my full trust isn't given. But in the meantime until there's a track record, I trust my intuition to show me when there're red flags and take each person as they come. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 9:31:31 AM | Ever tried dating a man who's Ex wife cheated on him???? Good luck with that relationship. It is not gender specific.
People that do not trust others will never trust you. No amount of convincing on your part will change that. It's like having a big black x running through your heart. Until they decide to let go or decide to change they never will. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:00:15 PM | | I'm sure there are lots of guys..and ladies..who end up paying the price for someone's past relationship crimes. Personally, I have some pretty big trust issues, courtesy of my last two long-term relationships, where I was cheated on and lied to. But even though I've been burned, I still give people the benefit of the doubt that they're honest and trustworthy until they give me a reason not to. I am just on the lookout for signs now, where I never was before. I prefer to remain hopeful that there are still guys who are honest and faithful. Funny thing is, both of those guys who cheated and lied to me were HUGELY jealous and always accusing me of cheating on them..when I've never, ever cheated on anyone in my life. I guess it's true that those who accuse are usually the ones doing the cheating. | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 7:56:30 PM | Trust makes men boring. You have to see many faces of a person before you can trust them. But communication skills make a difference.
A congruence between what people say and do is important.
Takes years to build trust and seconds to break it.
There are many forms of trust and I'm going to write an essay on it.
Once trust is broken, it's difficult to get back.
Trust is like character, a lot more easily kept than recovered | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:00:11 PM | Women find trustworthy men boring. They want danger. Either that or they want someone who can solve their child hood drama.
eg if their father was emotionally unavailable, they will seek out emotionally unavailable men and try to solve that drama in adulthood | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:07:56 PM | Gawd...
don't really need to read the OP or subsequent comment to make comment on this topic....
We're the what's happenin' now society...and don't care about trust...until!!!!we are really interested.....and then..having been hurt so many times...we are emotionally distant/unresponsive...that.....well...it just sucks......just sayin'
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:09:05 PM | Trust isn't dead, per se. I think it's aggravated by insecurities on both sides of the "gender" fence. There are still trustworthy people in the world. They have a greater work to do, because they have to climb uphill, against cynicism and pesstimism.
It's an unfair issue...and one that is so hard to tackle. I wouldn't say that people don't lie...I have..but not to the point where I should just be put out to pasture because of any thing I've said or done.
Well, to each their own. We don't live in a perfect world. Therefore, we should be able to accept the successes and failures of humanity alike. And, we should not put so much emphasis on believing that every person that comes into our lives is only capable of dissapointing us.
We need to give someone a chance.
Danz | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:11:22 PM | Once burnt twice shy...Trust is an intregable part of a healthy relationship, so we need trust to have a healthy relationship. I am also a realist and realise that we all have a little baggage we bring along with us and its how we deal with that baggage thats really important.
Untill someone undermines the trust in a realationship we have no real reason to not trust them...my 2 cents | |
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| Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:12:32 PM | in the words of yuel brenner in the 10 commandments: trust no woman. Or in my words trust no one.
you must be self sufficent. i look at trust and dependency on a person as a sign of weakness. trusting only yourself to do things is the only person who is not going to let you down. should you trust anyone? no. now are there honest people out there yes. but we have all lied because even a distortionof the truth is a lie.
i look for key words and phrase when talking to people. and the term i never lie, is the biggest lie that decives themselfs. (even little white lies are lies.) and a person who says i have never lied you have to wonder what the truth really is. I am totally open and honest yes that is true. no one is totally open and honest we all have skeletons we hide.
so to answer the question yes to a point honest loyal people do exist but only if they can admit they lie somtimes. | |
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