|
|
|
|
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/1/2009 6:17:36 PM | Hmmm reading through all these interesting posts I am so glad to see that there are so many self respecting men and women out there. Ten points. And of course I am also perfect in every way.
But at the end of the day, I don’t know, just thinking, if a man has a sweet tooth and can’t get a bit of crumpet at home, he may be tempted to look for a cake shop and find a bit of crumpet or perhaps a tart or two while he’s at it. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/1/2009 7:01:43 PM | I once studied plural marriage. That is where a man will marry two or three women. Here are some observations about cheating, from their point of view. I use this point of view simply because it is so clear.
1. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. The man knows this. Anything less is cheating... and selfish.
How this applies: If the man chooses wisely, and spends time developing the marraige and seeing that his wife expands herself, then he adds to the marraige and to her, and to himself. No reason to cheat, the marraige is dynamic, and always changing, always new and fresh.
2. To the man, he must, MUST choose wisely in who to bring into the marraige.
How it applies: A man with a three room apartment chooses a great dane simply becuase it is a huge, pretty dog. They will both suffer. Choosing the right women to marry requires forethought, clear planning, and goals. If she matches your goals, then you will have something great... if not, you will crowd her, or she you.
3. He will never marry a woman that cannot submit to leadership. He understands that the dynamics of a large household requier that someone be the leader, and that the leadership is a position of responsibility - not dictatorship. While the women may follow his lead (and must if they are to survive), he ultimately has to be resonsible to her when things go strange and scary.
How it applies: Even in monogamy, if there is a power struggle from day one, the marriage is already doomed. There must be a clear leader, and that leader will never be able to TAKE authority, it is given. Once given, it should not be taken back - becuase that as well will totally destroy a marriage. This applies to cheating because it is the foundation of unhappiness. When this element is dealt with, then nearly everything else will resolve itself.
4. A man may marry ten women, but they all know what is going on, precautions are taken, and the introduction into the family is carefully planned. She is given a place, responsibilities, and helped to transition into the new way of living. Each wife has her place, and relies on the others. It is a wonderfully free way to live, and when things go wrong, the famliy quickly adjusts and deals with it, giving everyone a very real sense of confidence.
How this applies: When two people are doing their own thing, but living in the same house, they are just sleeping together, and not really a family. Cheating comes along when the ties are stripped by disagreements and arguments and someone with nice muscles (or boobs) pops in and says all the thing the person wants to hear. Becuase there is no family structure, no connections, no real Family, it is easy to trick and draw them away.
Lastly...
5. A man with ten wives cheats, or a wife cheats. If she cheats and he does not deal with it quickly, then the cheater places everyone in the family in danger. STD's can infect everyone. HIV can kill the entire family and leave the kids parentless. If HE cheats, then he breaks trust with everyone and the family will fall apart. He has abandoned what he built, and betrayed the trust of the wives.
How the applies: Cheating is the one single thing that will destroy trust. As I said before, if he does not lead then the marriage is doomed. If any one of them cheat, it makes it nearly impossible to trust that person from that point on. Building a marraige is a real and tangable thing if done right. It takes tons of sweat, education, thought, and investment. It is really hard to put that kind of investment into someone that may just screw the neighbor and move along. I've seen it too many times.
So, cheating? Bad, really bad. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/1/2009 9:59:55 PM | 3. He will never marry a woman that cannot submit to leadership. He understands that the dynamics of a large household requier that someone be the leader, and that the leadership is a position of responsibility - not dictatorship. While the women may follow his lead (and must if they are to survive), he ultimately has to be resonsible to her when things go strange and scary.
How it applies: Even in monogamy, if there is a power struggle from day one, the marriage is already doomed. There must be a clear leader, and that leader will never be able to TAKE authority, it is given. Once given, it should not be taken back - becuase that as well will totally destroy a marriage. This applies to cheating because it is the foundation of unhappiness. When this element is dealt with, then nearly everything else will resolve itself.
And I think this point is definitely true. I will get blasted for this one........but it is how it is.
Most marriages have the problem of " too many chiefs, Not enough Indians".
I was equal to my husband in every way that mattered. However my husband believed that a woman was to be taken care of , cherished, loved, and respected.
I am not talking about taking care of me financially only ( I worked......he would have preferred I didn't have to ).
While he was off work because of an accident.........I sold real estate. He FIXED and brought my lunch to me EVERYDAY and sat and ate with me. He went with me to show houses, Open houses, ........cleaned the house while I worked, always surprising me with little notes on the mirror or a rose on my pillow.
He was a former AAA ballplayer, Union boss three terms at Firestone, 12 years in Air Force ( just in case anyone thinks he might have been a sissy). He was the most stubborn, bull headed man I have ever known. He stuck to what he believed in. He never pulled rank, but I believed and still do, that the man is the head of the household, that he is the covering for his wife and children. He never ever " bossed " me, but I submitted when there was a power struggle. The struggle was not worth hurting the love we shared. I often referred to him as my gentle boss.
If people were not always so intent on getting their OWN way, they might be surprised to find out how they are treated. I could never have ever picked a better example of a man to spend my life with. It was cut short because of his death, but I have said many times....and still mean....Even if he had not been my husband, I would have still thought he was one of the finest men to ever draw a breath.
Men STILL like to be men, they still like to know that a woman looks up to them, admires them. ....and loves them.
A man from Firestone told him one time after he got sick...better get better real fast...a woman a fiesty as she is will not be happy with a man that can't " perform"...... his wife had stepped out on him. Ray just simply replied.......".NOT MY WIFE.....I know who I married ......and who and what she is!!"
My husband was my hero...corny but true........and you shoulda seen how that
" puffed out his chest" and the pride he showed in me for being secure enough to let him know he was my life!!!
GIVE me a " boss' like that anytime!! | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/1/2009 11:04:09 PM | It's hard to realize but these are actually two completely separate issues.
Kids may get some benefit from the stability of him staying.
However the relationship if it's failed is not fair on the parents.
Alimony is about a father taking care of his kids.
People chose to take the risk of marrying and having kids knowing that sometimes things don't work out.
People build fortunes and lose fortunes.
Letting go of routine and convenience is hard sometimes but it's almost always better for all parties involved. Just think how stagnant your life would be in a situation like this...
Growth is not always painless...
Just my 2cents... | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/3/2009 6:46:16 AM | Ichi - bon,
It's very sad to hear of the loss of your husband,and it must be hard for you to hear some of the opinions on this forum because of your strong beliefs and very obvious unconditional love for him. I truly think you shuld be proud of yourself for high morals. I would love to believe that LOVE means you stay with that one person regardless of anything,but I dont. I even believe its possible to love more than one person at the same time. There are no "Rules" for this. Its not impossible to be in love with 2 different people for different reasons. We are all unique in our ways and beliefs. Someone said earlier,if your not happy then get out. If only it were that easy!! Like i said . .Everyone is different. And what someone may find easy to do,others may not. Sometimes we can be dreadfully unhappy but stick it out in the hope that the perrson you loved so much will go back to the way he used to,the person that made you buzz with excitment at the mere thought of them. Maybe this person will seek passion elsewhere until this happens. Not justifyiable . . .but understandable. I think anyway.
L xx | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/3/2009 8:32:39 AM | I have never ever said it was easy to leave. If you read my earlier posts, you will find the circumstances of leaving my first husband. He was millionaire......literally.......and I left to live in a rat infested house on the poor side of the city with two children....4 months and two years old.....no support........for a long time .and then only thirty five dollars a week.because he transferred all of his assets to his parents to keep from having to pay. I was still happier eating hot dogs, bread and gravy. Is this for everyone, no, but i am stubborn and bulheaded and can't pretend to live a lie. I just can't do it.
However if you or anyone still feels the want of having the one you are with to act as they used to..the effort has to be on both parts, and bringing a third person into it, never solves anything. I know what it feels like to be emotionally attached to someone else after you have been hurt so bad that you need to feel cared for by another...that someone else COULD want you, be sweet to you, all the other emotions. I am old, not dead.....and I am sure I experience as many emotions and pain as others. For all my bull-headness.I am very tenderhearted. I can get hurt very easy by someone I love.
Still, if I was interested in trying to find the love and passion that was once with someone..........I lay myself out and tell them how I feel. Is that comfortable..hell no, does it lay me wide open for more hurt and possible ridicule....yes..........but if I harbour feelings I wish I had said, or questions.I live with that regret. I leave a relationship knowing that there was absolutely NO QUESTION of how I felt, how I done all I knew to do, and gave the other party the opportunity to have their say.
I still believe selfishness is the reason for cheating. Can a person be hurt enough to seek out someone else........yes...but have the decency to sever the relationship with the former.
It is not FAIR to ANYONE to be in a triangel.
I know not all on here believe in monagamy, but aside from them...how can you live with one and having sex with either both, or the one outside the relationship. I would think guilt would eat at your soul and mind. ( not talking about you , just a person in general)
I am really not trying to JUDGE anyone, although my opinions may make it feel that way.
I haven't walked in everyone elses's shoes..but where I HAVE been...I know .
I honestly feel the pain of those that live with someone they once loved, and are now either shut out, abused, or ignored....been there..........but happiness is only when you find it within yourself. Then you can be happy and bring that to another relationship. I was so blessed to have a man like Ray. I will never ever know why I had him...but this I do know...he was a miracle in my life....and I cherish his memory as I cherished him. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/3/2009 8:43:09 AM | How about wife did/does the same...works very hard all her marriage, at outside job and inside job (housework, cooking, laundry, errands, grocery shopping, children, taking care of the husband - waiting on him hand and foot, always loving and kind to him, and taking care of elder parents on both sides...PLUS plenty of intimacy with the husband at least every other night for the entire marriage, and TRUSTING him 100%? (well, not anymore!!!) And he STILL does it (cheating) 3x...before you find out?? How about that? Should SHE lose 1/2 of everything???
These guys (husbands) that tell you this, are full of s**t. Don't be a fool and believe them, I was a fool, to believe my husband, and so were the other 3 s***s to believe him. There are plenty more like all of us out there, just be careful. It is despicable.
~much wiser now | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/3/2009 8:43:22 AM | Im not sure what to say. I guess I envy you in a way. Its hard living a lie . .but you get used to it. Discussing,talking. . .over and over (been there done that). Explained reaons for unhappiness,been promised more effort and put in more effort myself. Nothing worked. Loss of confidence makes it so hard to walk away. So in love and so happy at one point . . .where and why did it all go wrong??? I even asked him and he said he couldn't see anything wrong with us. I cant understand how he couldn't sense the atmosphere. It was rife. Was he living a lie or could he genuinly not see a problem? Do women just over analyze everythin?? I never felt so confused in my life.
L x | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/3/2009 8:55:22 AM | [First of all, you can't believe half of what a cheater is telling you, and the other half is a lie. They ALL say "my wife won't give it up, so I'm getting it elsewhere." So no, I can't see their point as they don't have one.
And if the wife has given up her LIFE to stay home and raise HIS kids, then SORRY, but what is HIS is also HERS. There is not "his" money or "his" stuff. As far as I am concerned, she's worked just as hard as he has for all those years, so again, nope, not seeing any justification for cheating.]
HERE! HERE! MY FRIEND!!! YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!!! THANK YOU FOR SAYING IT SO SUCCINCTLY! | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/3/2009 9:07:02 AM | [Wow, hats off to you...Why do men get burned so badly? I can see child support, but alimony as well?? Perhaps I am a neive soul...I hafta say, if it were me, I am not sure how I would handle it. Never walked a mile in the shoe, can't say.]
You've never even been married let alone have to take care of 1, 2, 3, 4, God knows how many children, plus the husband, who is another child. Plus, later in life, add on his elderly parent and yours.
If you did, you would understand, after getting hardly any sleep once the children are born, and many, many times thereafter, that it is NOT the men that get burned, it is the women AND the children (sometimes, too, it is the wife that cheats, that is becoming more common with more and more women in the workforce now. )
As far as the alimony, it is fair, as is the child support. Many, many men do not pay either, they find ways to hide their money, they do ok, their ex-family is burned to death. BTW, when two people get married, usually, they discuss what will happen when they decide to start a family. Usually, they both agree, the wife will stay home with the children, best way to raise them, in a loving family. That is the initial "dream" between the husband and the wife. Sometimes, the agreement is for the husband to stay home instead. That is totally, totally fine, whatever works for both and the children. Either way, whomever was the home caregiver (and the work is 24/7, not 40/5, and the pay, is not in $$ for the homeworker...but in love units, kindness, caring and support to make a wonderful homelife for the husband and children, and themselves, hoping for well-adjusted people in this crazy world). What could be better than that. So, if things fail, then, whomever was the home caretaker, should get the alimony and continuation of healthcare, whether it is the husband or the wife, doesn't matter. They more than deserve it.
Please remember not to judge people unless you have walked a mile in their shoes. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/3/2009 9:07:05 AM | How about the theory . . ."Once is a mistake, Twice is a habbit"? We are all capable of making mistakes and until someone finds themselves in one of these situations i guess you can never know how you'd react. How about girl spends all her time and effort on man she loves dearly, then all of a sudden he changes. No explanation,just a change in how he acts. No kisses or cuddles,no romance or chat,yet she still loves him . .but seeks comfort in the arms of someone else to redeem her confidence? Is that just weak??
L x | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/3/2009 9:48:49 AM |
What it comes down to is that we don't 'need' sex - we 'want' sex. Many make the mistake, especially men, of saying "I need sex". But the only time we actually need it is in order to pro-create. I have spent years inbetween relationships being celibate, and did not die. Therefore sex is a want, a desire - not a need. So the excuse "I needed sex" doesn't really wash imo.
Abraham Maslow and his research would strongly disagree with your asserted opinion.
Best,
ACP | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/3/2009 10:22:18 AM |
Many make the mistake, especially men, of saying "I need sex".
Many make the mistake of downplaying the significance of how important sex is to emotional and physical well being.
But the only time we actually need it is in order to pro-create.
You mean it's a necessity to have sex to procreate.
I have spent years inbetween relationships being celibate, and did not die.
All that proves is that sex is not needed to survive, but to ascertain that your life was better off without a healthy sex life is quite arguable.
Therefore sex is a want, a desire - not a need.
So?
Wanting it is a bad thing? Is that wrong?
So the excuse "I needed sex" doesn't really wash imo.
You can call it an excuse all you like, but one does not need to justify one's want's, needs, and desires to anyone.
As it would never happen that I would marry anyone with whom I wouldn't have a sexual relationship with, the marriage would be in peril, not only should the sexual aspect disappear from the marriage, but the intimacy component as well.
I don't advocate "cheating" at all. I would not be so masochistic to stay in a loveless realtionship, let alone a marriage. I'd be gone. Whether she wanted a divorce or not.
The topic becomes loaded when there is what is legally termed as "constructive abandonment" at play. Whether it is premeditated or a consequence of something else, if no attempts are made to restore a healthy intimacy between the couple, IMO, all is fair in love and war.
There is a distinction in "stepping out" vs "betrayal", that should not be ignored when one partner is arbitrating the intimate aspect of a relationship, that it will come with consequences. There is no get out of jail free card IMO, for those who set their partners up for failure. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/3/2009 10:59:55 AM | [I wonder if the man spent far too much time nurturing his career and far too little time nurturing his marriage. Simply put, Happy women want to please and be pleased.
Of course it's easier to have an affair (a fresh emotional start) then face the results of what you've produced in your current marriage and work to repair the damage. But marriage isn't easy and taking the easy route lacks integrity and honor, IMO.]
Well said. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/3/2009 11:27:00 AM |
I wonder if the man spent far too much time nurturing his career and far too little time nurturing his marriage. Simply put, Happy women want to please and be pleased.
This pre-supposes that the woman is open to being pleased by her husband; some people (male and female) are permanently unhappy, and blame any handy partner for their unhappiness. If a man has done his best to nurture his marriage and his wife, respond appropriately to her needs and desires, and defined by her, and she is still unhappy and refuses intimacy, is he then obligated to destroy his life and his children's life by leaving? Why is her wrongdoing in terms of the marriage contract ignored in favor of punishing the one who tries, in good faith, to maintain intimacy but is rebuffed?
Of course it's easier to have an affair (a fresh emotional start) then face the results of what you've produced in your current marriage
In the vast majority of cases, it takes TWO people to create a marriage, however that marriage turns out. If one of the two people cheat, the other person almost always shares some responsibility. However, it's far easier to create a situation where cheating by your partner is almost inevitable and then cry "foul" rather than take responsibility for your own lack of effort. Rather than stating that the cheater should leave before looking elsewhere, maybe the onus should be on the one who declines intimacy with their partner to leave the marriage rather than expecting his/her partner to live a celibate life as well. After all, part of the vows imply sex as a right of marriage and if one person breaks that vow, then why wouldn't the rest of the contract become null and void as well? | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/3/2009 11:35:37 AM |
In the vast majority of cases, it takes TWO people to create a marriage, however that marriage turns out. If one of the two people cheat, the other person almost always shares some responsibility. However, it's far easier to create a situation where cheating by your partner is almost inevitable and then cry "foul" rather than take responsibility for lack of effort. Rather than stating that the cheater should leave before looking elsewhere, maybe the onus should be on the one who declines intimacy with their partner to leave the marriage rather than expecting his/her partner to live a celibate life as well. After all, part of the vows imply sex as a right of marriage and if one person breaks that vow, then why wouldn't the rest of the contract become null and void as well? - oh my god someone who can think outside the box, I'm going to faint, I salute you. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/3/2009 2:49:51 PM | lucylia,
Ijust peeked at your profile.hadn't looked before. You are such a young woman and very pretty. I can't imagine why you would not have confidence.......I never looked that good on my best day!!
I have a daughter a little older than you, so I have some inkling in to your feelings. Her husband was not giving her the attention she craved. A college professor came on to her. She did not have sex with him ( her husband was just her fiance at the time), but she did admit wanting him to kiss her when he made a pass. This haunted her for a long time and she even at one point considered not marrying...........her feelings were if she loved her fiance so much, how could she even be attracted to another man. Truth is she was not attracted to the other man, but the attention.
She told mebefore she married him that she felt she should tell him. My advice was NOT to. She had not done anything except be tempted. It would serve no purpose to hurt her soon to be husband by telling him. It was hers to deal with..not confessing and causing him to bear part of the pain.
She didn't and came to terms with it, but it took her awhile.
I don't really know what to think in your situation. We women do over analize sometimes and we love too much. I can try to tell you to get out more, exercise, blah, blah..all the standard answers..but we both know that when you are emotionally hurt..that follows you wherever you go. You can feel like a stranger in a crowd of people because your heart is focused on the problem.
Sometimes the remedy is within yourself. What he calls love and what you call love are the age old differences between men and women. We want wine, roses and undying love..............they want their friends, a beer , and sex when they want it.
I do KNOW that involving someone else and cheating only compounds the problem.
Your guilt will make it easier for you to allow him to take you for granted. You will feel you deserve it........and no one does. I hate that you are going thru this. Maybe if you are babying him too much, step back and let him miss some of the wonderful person you are. Human nature lets us take many things for granted. Maybe he needs showed, instead of told. Just thinking out loud. But you are much to young to be dealing with this.
Best wishes | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/3/2009 3:21:28 PM |
In the vast majority of cases, it takes TWO people to create a marriage, however that marriage turns out. If one of the two people cheat, the other person almost always shares some responsibility. However, it's far easier to create a situation where cheating by your partner is almost inevitable and then cry "foul" rather than take responsibility for your own lack of effort. Rather than stating that the cheater should leave before looking elsewhere, maybe the onus should be on the one who declines intimacy with their partner to leave the marriage rather than expecting his/her partner to live a celibate life as well. After all, part of the vows imply sex as a right of marriage and if one person breaks that vow, then why wouldn't the rest of the contract become null and void as well?
I just love seeing other women using logic! well said.  | |
|
| |
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/3/2009 10:15:05 PM |
Man has worked very hard for many years, nice house, kids, material possessions, etc, but has no intimacy at home. Chooses to stay in the marriage as he knows the alimony will crush him, she stays home, raises kids, and he will lose half of everything he has worked so hard for. So he seeks intimacy outside the marriage.
I am hearing this so often, as a single person, I ask, why do u stay? The above reply is what I hear.
I absolutely hate admitting this...BUT...I can actually see their point? Any opinions would be appreciated.
I understand their point but I do not agree with it at all. I just have a hard time believe that if you want intimacy you can get it without having to step out. There seems to be so many options a married couple can explore with just to two of them that it's almost crazy. It seems that once a person makes up their mind that they want to cheat they say the want to make it work but they really don't. If you want something bad enough you'll find out how to make it work. Maybe there are some unresolved issues in the marriage that it holding back the intimacy? Maybe there's something wrong with the other spouse, personally. Maybe they're depressed about something that has nothing to do with you. One sign of depression is the lack of interest in the things you once enjoyed. Maybe they never enjoyed it, thus playing around with new positions/ideas between the two of you would sound like a great idea to help remedy that situation. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/3/2009 10:20:29 PM | Unless you're a stark raving maniac or a Ted bundy clone, there's no way to justify cheating. Good, honest people don't cheat on strangers much less on people they love and deeply care about.
In my POV, cheaters should end up with cheaters. And they should cheat on each other all their lives. That's how it would be justified.  | |
|
| |
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/4/2009 7:33:39 AM |
I just have a hard time believe that if you want intimacy you can get it without having to step out. There seems to be so many options a married couple can explore with just to two of them that it's almost crazy. It seems that once a person makes up their mind that they want to cheat they say the want to make it work but they really don't. If you want something bad enough you'll find out how to make it work.
Yes, and what if one of them just isn't interested. What if one of them just goes to bed at night, rolls over and goes to sleep? What if touching them or trying to get close to them results in a long-suffering sigh, and the few times when they'll ungraciously consent to have sex, they are so obviously disinterested it hurts more than if they'd just said no in the first place. What if all the little tips/hints on how to spice up the sex life, add romance to the relationship, understand your man/woman just don't work with that person. What if they say they aren't depressed, or they go to the dr (at your insistence) who also agrees that they aren't depressed and there is nothing physically wrong with them.
What if you've suggested counselling and they've said "I'm not going to counseling. Everything is fine with me; if you weren't so horny all the time there wouldn't be a problem" What if you've gone to counselling on your own, and done what you could to be the sensitive and loving mate everyone claims they want. What if after a couple of years of this, when you've finally said .. "I can't continue like this" they suddenly show interest in you and sex for a few weeks, then it all goes back to the way it was before.
What if after 5 more years of this you are now down to absolutely no sex, but there is nothing else noticeably wrong. Your partner's response continues to be "Everything is fine"; sex isn't that important anyway, how selfish of you to insist on having sex as part of this relationship". So the marriage functions, albeit without sex. There are no arguments as long as you don't bring up physical intimacy, the kids are happy and well-adjusted. You have a good lifestyle, with a circle of friends you enjoy. And each day that goes by, you die a little bit inside longing for that special touch and intimacy that somebody else decided you no longer needed.
You don't want to leave your family, your home, disrupt the kids, half the assets for them and for you. You've been told, point-blank, that a divorce would be fought tooth and nail, should you decide to go that route. You've been frightened by the stories you've heard and some of the things you've seen. You've decided you have no choice but to live like this until the kids are grown and out of the house, maybe another 10 to 15 years. Celibacy, within a marriage. Perhaps you drink a little more at night so that bedtime isn't quite so difficult.
And one day you meet a member of the opposite sex, you enjoy each other's company, and suddenly that empty, hurting spot you've felt inside you for so long feels some healing.
You end up having an affair, it's found out and boom! You're the villian of the piece. You end up in court, custody battles, lies and accusations. Your adultery is held up to family/friends and you are judged harshly for "betraying trust". Should you mention the lack of intimacy originating from your partner, and your years of trying to cope with it, you are told that doesn't matter, you should have tried harder, you should have left. A complete no-win situation.
Obviously, this isn't the way all relationships that lead to adultery go; some people do cheat just for the thrill and use the excuse that they aren't being treated "right" at home. But I think there are an awful lot of people who are sincere in the efforts they make at home, and find themselves stuck between a rock and a hard place, and end up committing adultery.
I was in a relationship once, which was headed that way. I was lucky, though; I didn't have kids/lifestyle issues holding me there and left before I was actually tempted into cheating. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/4/2009 8:19:01 AM | Profiler has laid out a very realistic scenario; one that is probably more common than not...and while they're aren't a heck of a lot of new voices chiming in on this topic...it stands to reason that if cheating is as rampant as it is alleged to be and poff is really only a microcosm of society, that there are likely tons of people who could be weighing in here but who choose to lurk instead.
I've posted to this board that while I've never been a cheater I have been cheated on, and feel that the person who is withholding intimacy is culpable and often times more culpable than the cheater because they are violating the terms of the agreement between them. Monogamy or a monogamous relationship is an agreement that indicates that we will turn to each other, make ourselves available to each other exclusively for intimacy. When one violates those terms...in the manner as described above...that person should be held accountable.
Rather than stating that the cheater should leave before looking elsewhere, maybe the onus should be on the one who declines intimacy with their partner to leave the marriage rather than expecting his/her partner to live a celibate life as well. After all, part of the vows imply sex as a right of marriage and if one person breaks that vow, then why wouldn't the rest of the contract become null and void as well?
^^^I completely agree with this idea.
My pov is that once someone has violated the agreement or contract...then there is nothing to be foul of. That contract is nullified by that action---the person withholding broke the initial agreement. Therefore the person going outside of the marriage to find intimacy and what s/he is not getting cannot be cheating because there is no longer any agreement.
I know a person in the very scenario that profiler describes above. My friend's choice is to go outside of his marriage with his wife's tacit acknowledgment It's a situation that's existed for at least a decade. Efforts to fix what's not working have all failed. What is clear is that any attempt at divorcing this woman will be scathingly unreasonable, because while she is a reasonable woman on some things, she's made it abundantly clear that conceding to a divorce will simply not be one of them.
jmo | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/4/2009 8:26:34 AM |
Profiler has laid out a very realistic scenario; one that is probably more common than not...and while they're aren't a heck of a lot of new voices chiming in on this topic...it stands to reason that if cheating is as rampant as it is alleged to be and poff is really only a microcosm of society, that there are likely tons of people who could be weighing in here but who choose to lurk instead.
I've posted to this board that while I've never been a cheater I have been cheated on, and feel that the person who is withholding intimacy is culpable and often times more culpable than the cheater because they are violating the terms of the agreement between them. Monogamy or a monogamous relationship is an agreement that indicates that we will turn to each other, make ourselves available to each other exclusively for intimacy. When one violates those terms...in the manner as described above...that person should be held accountable.
Rather than stating that the cheater should leave before looking elsewhere, maybe the onus should be on the one who declines intimacy with their partner to leave the marriage rather than expecting his/her partner to live a celibate life as well. After all, part of the vows imply sex as a right of marriage and if one person breaks that vow, then why wouldn't the rest of the contract become null and void as well?
^^^I completely agree with this idea.
My pov is that once someone has violated the agreement or contract...then there is nothing to be foul of. That contract is nullified by that action---the person withholding broke the initial agreement. Therefore the person going outside of the marriage to find intimacy and what s/he is not getting cannot be cheating because there is no longer any agreement.
I know a person in the very scenario that profiler describes above. My friend's choice is to go outside of his marriage with his wife's tacit acknowledgment It's a situation that's existed for at least a decade. Efforts to fix what's not working have all failed. What is clear is that any attempt at divorcing this woman will be scathingly unreasonable, because while she is a reasonable woman on some things, she's made it abundantly clear that conceding to a divorce is simply not one of them.
jmo
If I knew you or you weren't in Ontario I'd swear that the friend you're referring to was me. I'd slept in the guest room for two years before moving out, sex is a fuzzy memory. Funny (strange) thing about my situation is that part of the EX imposed celibacy was during her peak years, she's 6 years younger than I. She did, and still does have at least one late night out a week (maybe she was scratching her itch).
My purpose of posting to yours, this is an extremely profound statement. Thank you for posting it.
G | |
|
|
| Page 15 of 19
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 |
|
Home
login 
