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| | Justifying Cheating?Page 2 of 24 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24) | He could provide medical insurance after a divorce, he could provide a decent home and care for her as well. He is having his cake and eating it too. Cheating is cheating and there is no excuse for it, an the money excuse is the lamest one of all.
He needs to buck up, be a man, and be truthful with his wife and get divorce before he
seeks a relationship with another woman. That would be the moral thing to do.
Beth | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 12:03:06 AM | I wonder if the man spent far too much time nurturing his career and far too little time nurturing his marriage. Simply put, Happy women want to please and be pleased.
Of course it's easier to have an affair (a fresh emotional start) then face the results of what you've produced in your current marriage and work to repair the damage. But marriage isn't easy and taking the easy route lacks integrity and honor, IMO. | |
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776877
| | Joined: 10/13/2007
Msg: 28 | |
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 12:52:25 AM | It seems so easy to bash the guy here but I wonder how much the 'lack of intimacy' can be appreciated as a factor?
A male friend of mine has been totally 'cut off' for the last two or three years and yet she has had affairs here and there but he refuses to himself, he wants to keep things together for the kids sake. Another friend came home from work one day and his wife told him she was leaving him that second to go with a guy who she'd been having an affair with for over a year or more. Both of these guys would saw their legs off with a rusty spoon for their kids but the woman in both the cases I'm familiar with have far less involvement to put it kindly.
I can already hear the rumble of the defences being kicked up...'they must have done something to make the woman leave them....etc.', well if thats the case then perhaps the woman referred to in the original post has some responsibility too, is it just ALWAYS the guys fault? I don't think so. I'm not basing all my opinion on just a couple of friends but can you honestly believe that EVERYTHING can be put at the doorstep of just one partner? | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 1:07:41 AM | | It can't be justified. Period. I am going through second divorce due to cheating. I feel that I was compassionate, caring, did not smother, let them go out with their friends when they needed girls night out. I am not a yeller, drunk or physically abusive. The first marriage I believe it was about money. She was cheating with her boss who she kept saying was loaded. We were young and didn't have a lot at that time. the second I don't believe I actually got the "honest" answer. said she was lonely, but we did stuff together all the time from date night to going out with other couples to her having her girls nights which turned out to be when she was meeting the other guy. Broken heart X2. Stayed in the marriage because I loved her but the trust was gone and the marriage wasn't the same. It lasted another 4 years and now we arre going through divorce. We are still good friends. Best friends, but just can't make it work. I would have given her the moon and stars but apparently that wasn't enough. cheating can't be justified. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 2:51:11 AM | Aside from the chronic emotional handicapped, spouses cheat because needs are not getting met in the marriage and they aren't in love.
And not necessarily sexual needs. Money, companionship, conversation, affection, spouse keeping themselves attractive, etc.
I am the last guy to condone it, trust me, but you don't cheat on someone you are in love with, and it doesn't happen in good strong marriages. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 3:00:02 AM | Would love for you to sit across the table from her and listen to her side of the story...course her not knowing who you are.
Bet you would hate admitting you can see HER point.
LOL geesh I still can't believe a woman who has actually been TOLD of the wife would even consider....CONSIDER being with a man who will never be available to her except for a lay...here and there. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 3:15:18 AM | Try reading the original post forumnite. This is hypothetical and the reasoning that I hear as to why men cheat. I was questioning the validity. I am not considering anything with a married man.
I know full well that woman cheat just as much, that is not what I was asking. I was looking at the entire picture re: losing everthing that has been worked for. I agree, the wife, or should I say other half, works just as hard, 50/50, but in the end, we all know the men end up paying through the nose. It really is a sad thing. Again, I don't condone cheating, I am just starting to open my mind and understand the reasons why it happens.
It scares me right out of marriage. Sad but true. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 4:50:25 AM |
Man has worked very hard for many years, nice house, kids, material possessions, etc, but has no intimacy at home. Chooses to stay in the marriage as he knows the alimony will crush him, she stays home, raises kids, and he will lose half of everything he has worked so hard for.
FIRST of all she will also lose HALF of everything she has worked for. Maybe there is no intimacy because of him working very hard away from home and not being a family man or being there for family times. Maybe there is no intimacy because she has worked so very hard raising their children while he was never there.
There are always two sides to every story but one thing is for sure ...
People that build a home, family and such together are each entitled and have contributed to HALF AND BOTH LOSE HALF DURING A SPLIT.
But of course most people on POF feel that a stay at home mother is not worth shiit and most men feel that since they were the workers out side of the home that all the ASSETS belong to them and that the wife what ever she gets is TAKEN AWAY from them ... just allot more POF bullshiit.
So he seeks intimacy outside the marriage.
Hey there are millions of reasons to cheat ... millions of reasons to justify being lower than a snakes belly.
Always remember how poorly a mate treats their partner is the way you should be expected to be treated too. Just my opinion
OMO | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 4:54:58 AM | What the hell did she do sit on her assw all that time, never made dinner for him or the kids, didnt clean the house, didnt do his laundry, didnt do the shoping so they have something to eat. i am sure he didnt get all of by himslef he sucks in my book. The only thing he has a right to is refusing to pay alimony.
Now really look at it its is fair but every one is so dam greedy. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 5:45:43 AM | | 776877 I think your friend should have left his wife a long time ago, and I think he should have taken the kids with him. I hope he will go for custody of them now, that his wife has decided that her new lay is more important than her family. I don't think anyone is justified in cheating, man or woman. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 5:56:16 AM | What the hell did she do sit on her assw all that time, never made dinner for him or the kids, didnt clean the house, didnt do his laundry, didnt do the shoping so they have something to eat.
Where the heck did you get that? Sorry dude, but till you have done it, you dont' know what the hell you are talking about. A stay-at-home parent's job NEVER ends, it's 24/7. When you get to leave your job, you leave it there. A parent who is at home with small children is on call 24 hours a day, and they don't get a day off. EVER. No paid holidays, no days off, no vacation (going on vacation is just doing more of what you do at home, somewhere else.) A stay at home parent has to be a parent, a teacher, a nurse, a counselor, a maidservant, a cook, an emergency plumber, a personal shopper, a taxi driver, a landscaper, and a million other things I can't even think of right now. I'd like to see you PAY someone to do all that, on a 24/7 on-call basis.. You let me know how much it comes to.
If YOU had someone who did nothing but sit on her ass, then look at yourself, and ask yourself how much of your attitude played into her not wanting to do a thing for you. If you are not talking about your own experience, then who are you to decide what other people in other relationships do? I doubt you played much of a role in even raising your own kids, because if you did, you'd have some sense of what is involved in it.
Giving birth to your spawn ONE time, IMO, would have been worth half of whatever you could possibly be worth. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 5:58:19 AM | Onmyown...
That was wonderfully written and certainly sheds light on both sides.  | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:15:30 AM | I'd rather live in a ditch than spend time with my vagina being used by someone that wasn't into me.. they just suffer from keeping up with the Jones... and if you aren't nor ever were attracted to your mate then that will always be an issue .. money is deluding the truth ..
guys don't seek intimacy outside of the bedroom they are seeking the companionship and admiration that they once had when they coupled initially..
I always said my parents could go through anything as a couple anything.. all of the vows that people take to make it go.. it takes one hell of alot of courage to confront the truth .. and I am thankful that I was raised by courageous .. loving people .. there was no one in my mothers eyes above my father as a man .. and it showed in how he treated her .. it was something to see. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:18:43 AM | | Cheating is just delusional activity til the reality is dealt with .. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:22:38 AM | Like you, OP, I have come to understand "cheating". I used to think it was one of the most horrible offences in a relationship, and that you could not "love" someone if you cheated on them.
The most common circumstance I can understand a person cheating is when there is "no intimacy at home" ... or in the cases where a person has been cut off from sex (for whatever reason). I feel that the partner who is denying the other spouse sex is moreso to blame for the "cheating" in these cases.
And, yes, some people (usually the man) has alot to lose if he decides to seek sex outside the marriage ... or if he chooses to "abandon ship" and go for a divorce. It is a lose-lose situation either way for him. {But, it is not all about the monetary losses for some - some can't live without their children, and will not give the wife any grounds to take them from him}. I suspect there might be a few men anxiously awaiting their youngest child to turn 18...
There are strong people who can live forever without sex, but for those who can't or won't, I can't say I really blame them for cheating (if there are no other options).
Sexual relations are an important part of a marriage. When people say "I do", I don't think they are thinking that in a couple years their whole sex life will be over ... otherwise there would be a whole lot less "I do's"... | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:34:21 AM | So I have a friend who is obviously flawed. That his wife friend of which they have messed around with in the past together. However, him and this friend have a thing on the side as well. In fact, he told me the other day that this girl's parents think they are bf/gf. I was like what the hell is wrong with you and her. He told me he's not leaving his wife cause he's happy and he's happy with this other woman. Then he tells me he had a fling with this girls friend and a bunch of other women. What is wrong with this picture? I mean I am having a hard time being a friend to him because of his choices. I told him I want to be there with a camera when his wife finds out about the whole thing, he said to me oh she will be mad but wont do anything other than maybe leave him.
This guy just totally anoyed me and I told him that when you make your bed you have to sleep in it. I actually dont know his wife, but if I did I am not sure I could keep my mouth shut. Its just pathetic the things that people do. I call it cowardess. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:44:44 AM | I find that, as I get older and see many more heartbreaking situations than I ever wanted, I also become more tolerant.
There was a time in my life I would have said sexual infidelity was not acceptable under any circumstances, but as more couples I know are being decimated by mind destroying diseases such as alzheimer's and senile dementia, I am coming to realize that I cannot apply the same criteria to every condition.
I don't date men who are married or otherwise in a committed relationship. IMEO, most of them are lying through their teeth. By the same token, I do not condemn every person that has extra-marital affairs. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:13:58 AM | | A cheater can justify just about any behavior and will always blame their spouse. His motivation is purely selfish. Intimacy and marriage are not about sex. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:26:14 AM | So let me get this right, it's ok to hurt the spouse by cheating on her because you dont' want to give her her 1/2 and pay her the alimony she is due?
Sorry, but I got out of my marriage when it was like that and I lost a lot financially. But I would rather do that than further damage someone else (including my children) for the sake of money. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:30:30 AM | OP
For once someone has the guts to present the reality of many men.
They want intimacy and do not get any..But they are demanded to be faithful!
I'm married and I have met few married man for emotional company and they shared this situation all the time. I feel if women do not want to offer intimacy to their husbands and want him to remain married to her....maybe they should agree to a blank check every so often so then it would not be cheating....
I cant justify cheating but I cant justify depriving your partner of what he should get from a wife or husband...
Im sorry if people dont agree/like my comment. I'm entitled to it and I reach my idea after being married for 20 years . | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:35:12 AM |
A cheater can justify just about any behavior and will always blame their spouse. His motivation is purely selfish. Intimacy and marriage are not about sex
CarolAnn,
Although I mostly agree with what you post in other threads....I want to think out loud and ask you.
Men need physical intimacy, they day dream about it, they need it to perform in life and it actually helps them stay healthy.
So tell me what is the justification for a perfectly healthy woman to deprive her husband of sex or love making the traditional way only because she lost interest?
The couple could still pretty much be in love with each other, but the man starts resenting the "closed bedroom"
What would be the man next step???? | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:35:14 AM |
Things are transient, they're a temporary amusement at best. I could, and would, gladly give up everything (my house, my cars, my whatever) for emotional contentment...a lasting serenity.
Best comment on the thread. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 10:14:00 AM | RosiaG, we all need intimacy, but we all don't need a Lexus or a 4 bedroom home.
My point is that his motivation for NOT leaving his marriage is financial and we as spectators only know what this hypothetical man is choosing to share with us. I imagine that deep down a women that sleeps with a married man know that he at best is a liar and a cheat but there is a good chance that everything he is telling you is pure crap.
A girl I used to work with was constantly getting hit on by a married male member of her gym. He told her his marriage was a sham, his wife slept in a seperate bedroom and he lacked intimacy but could not leave because of the children and his finances. She was actually considering the affair because she was so busy at work and at school that she did not have time for a real BF.
Imagine her surprise when she saw him and his wife holding hands (her 7-8 moths pregnant) walking through a local shopping mall. She walked right up to him and said "Wow Bob, considering how much you talk about your wife, I am amazed you did not mention she was pregnant!"
As to your other question, a healthy woman does not deny sex to her husband unless she is:
A-no longer feeling love from her husband
B-getting it elsewhere
for me it was knowing the marriage was over and he had stopped any attempt to participate in it. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 10:33:59 AM | Dear CarolAnn
Thanks for your gentle and pretty well founded response.
In my mind I was mostly imagining two lonely married people having an affair. Without the least intention to grab someone else spouse, just borrow it for a bit of happiness. never to get any material gain. Some kind of food for the spirit.
If I was single I never give a married man the time of the day.
I have a very damaged marriage and we are not intimate for the last 5 months at least.
Issues are not about sex. They are worse than that....disagreement in handling our eldest son troubles and at first his disciplining.
I have had friend that are married. We just share some happy times and mostly chat online and occasionally some more.
I know for a fact they state have no intimacy with their wives. One thing they never do is talk bad about their wife, they are best friends, even great roomates but for I guess reason of age, they have stopped their interest in love making.
This to me and them is not grounds for divorce. There could be genuine love, amazing friendship, respect ( of course not too much on the cheating spouse), but not the physical connection.
I am not condoning cheating, again....I know it is wrong, but sometimes it is hard to figure out another way.
I don't care for the material and my husband either...when we sometimes discuss separation...money is never the issue. He always tells me...take it all I can work again and start...I answer.....money is for the one that keeps the children. But then we are parents that gave too much ( error) to our children.
I just hope life was simpler....it is very hard at times, but then we should always look for light at the end of the tunnel. | |
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