|
|
|
|
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 11:31:08 AM | I don't think losing "half of everything HE has worked so hard for" is valid. Housewife/mother is not valueless, particularly if they are his kids she's born and raised. She loses half, as well. And, quite often the custodial parent (usually the woman) ends up poorer after the divorce than the non-custodial parent (usually male). The "I'll lose half of everything" claim makes the false assumption that he is entitled to everything he and his partner have accumulated _together_. I would not be interested in a man who held that mindset, or felt that material possessions were more important than living ethically.
Now, I don't think people should commit adultery, no matter what the reason. But I do think it takes two people to make a marriage work, and it also (almost always) takes two people to make the marriage fail. Marriage is a contract, mostly implied and is centered around the fact that the couple will have sex, and only with each other. I don't see that breaking one part of that contract by person A is any better or worse than breaking another part of the contract by person B. So, if a man's wife refuses intimacy, they've talked about it, gone to counseling, etc. and she simply is not interested - well, she's broken the contract first.
Under those circumstances, if his choice for adultery rather than ending the marraige were not financially motivated, I'd probably not hold it against him. If the man simply accepts his wife's lack of interest, and makes no effort to communicate his unhappiness and dissatisfaction, but moves directly to adultery - well, that'd be a "fail" in my opinin. Either way, I wouldn't date him, cause I'm looking for someone who is free to commit to me.
Btw, my opinion applies to both genders; I just went with the OPs scenario. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 11:50:12 AM |
Man has worked very hard for many years, nice house, kids, material possessions, etc, but has no intimacy at home. Chooses to stay in the marriage as he knows the alimony will crush him, she stays home, raises kids, and he will lose half of everything he has worked so hard for. So he seeks intimacy outside the marriage.
I am hearing this so often, as a single person, I ask, why do u stay? The above reply is what I hear.
I absolutely hate admitting this...BUT...I can actually see their point? Any opinions would be appreciated.
OP -- I can also see their point. Still doesn't justify the cheating though. Nothing ever will.
Yet this is the number one reason why I will not ever be getting married without a valid and concrete prenup in place first. All too many times I have heard similar tales such as the one you posted, and I imagined myself in that situation...that's when I realized that if there was a day that she decided that she was gonna turn off the intimacy tap, rather than stay and cheat (and hope not to get caught) because if I divorced her she'd ass rape me financially...I can get out of it at will and lose significantly less money, but not have to worry about cheating on her in the process.
Win-win in my books. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 12:08:21 PM |
I was looking at the entire picture re: losing everthing that has been worked for. I agree, the wife, or should I say other half, works just as hard, 50/50, but in the end, we all know the men end up paying through the nose. It really is a sad thing. Again, I don't condone cheating, I am just starting to open my mind and understand the reasons why it happens.
The reality of a man getting the worst in a divorce is true, in my experience.
My husband's ex, even there were no minor children involved, got lifetime alimony that at the time of their divorce left him with $40 a week. The jugdes comment was, "So, get a second job." Twenty-six years later, we are still supporting her. For most of our twenty-five year marriage, it has taken half of my paycheck to keep up her alimony. Even when both my husband and I were both out of work, (aviation couple) we still had to pay up or she sicced her lawyer on us. We're paying her extra every two weeks now to pay her back, with interest for when we couldn't pay.
She sold the house she got in the settlement for almost a half a mil and moved across the country so we couldn't prove she'd moved in with her boyfriend.
Now my husband is 65, she's retired on his social security, he's still working, and paying her.
The point of all this background is that I wouldn't leave him, although several of the posters have listed reasons why a man might justify cheating that apply in my case, because he couldn't survive financially. And I certainly couldn't ask him to support me. There is a lot more to this story, but not relevant to this thread.
Suffice it to say, every case is unique. And judgements made without all the facts are specious.
 
. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 12:23:16 PM | | There is no excuse for cheating and no justification for it either. I have heard guys say that as well, that he'll loose everything, blah, blah, but I don't buy it. Rather than cheat on his wife and degrade her and his family he should look within and work to resolve issues within himself that are driving him to seek companionship outside his marriage for it is the cheater with the problems. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 12:55:13 PM |
For once someone has the guts to present the reality of many men.
They want intimacy and do not get any..But they are demanded to be faithful!
A very astute observation.
I do not condone cheating. However, these men are cheating with...............................WOMEN................who may also very well may be............CHEATERS | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 1:27:43 PM |
There is no excuse for cheating and no justification for it either. I have heard guys say that as well, that he'll loose everything, blah, blah, but I don't buy it. Rather than cheat on his wife and degrade her and his family he should look within and work to resolve issues within himself that are driving him to seek companionship outside his marriage for it is the cheater with the problems.
Having spent uncountable hours with couples in relationships in various states of destruction, I can unequivocally assert that it is NOT just the cheater with the problem (s).
It is rarely a one-sided issue. It's very easy to sit in judgment outside of the daily reality,of others it's quite another to endure living it.
A marital contract can be violated in a variety of ways and having a relationship outside of the marriage, whether or emotional, physical, or both is no more of a violation of the contract than any other agreement contained within that the two parties have included for the relationship that they negotiated.
There are a variety of excuses and reasons for the justification. No one is required to accept either. The only person who needs whatever justification is given is the one who acted on that justification. They do not need or necessarily desire any approval outside of their own.
Best,
ACP | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 1:39:12 PM | IT IS the cheater with the serious issues! How sad that you condone cheating. For me it's a definite dealbreaker! There is NO excuse for cheating whatsoever! | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 1:45:03 PM | | I dated someone a few years ago who lied to me and told me he was divorced. The truth came out after a few dates that he was married and he said that she lived in their home in Florida at least part of the year and he lived in their home in Georgia part of the year, but they also lived in their homes in Georgia and Florida together part of the year. He said he married her because it helped him out financially to do so, but that there was no sex and he wondered if she was not asexual or a lesbian. He had been married to someone before he was married to her who left him for a jerk, and the jerk divorced her when she was diagnosed with cancer and the man I dated took care of her when she was dying. He would not divorce the current wife due to what he would lose in the divorce. The man actually did not seem to understand why I did not want to date him and that I did not think his have his cake and eat it too philosophy was something I wanted to be a part of. What is odd in some ways is that he treated me better than any single man I have ever dated when I was seeing him and thought that he was divorced. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 2:14:59 PM | Oh my lord Ginny...
How is this even possible? I have absolutely zero comprehension of alimony. Why couldn't she get a job? Why is it a life long thing? Are the laws different in the USA?
My jaw literally dropped wide open while reading this. Please educate me!
I am never getting married...
WOW
I am very scared.... | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 3:30:00 PM | justwantone72
My point is that until you know BOTH sides of the story you can't really make an assessment of the situation.
Maybe he is just TELLING women that he has no intamacy. Maybe he is LYING. See he is already exposing himself as a cheat so to think he may be lying about his personal life with "her" is not something to ignore.
She could be giving him sex two or three nights a week but he needs more...maybe just some strange....and looking for women who will buy into his "story" that he will never leave his wife but he needs sex because she doesn't fullfill his "different woman" needs.
Until you hear the "other" side of the story you cannot possibly expect to know the truth and are only listening to a cheaters side...and remember his job is to convince you to take off your clothes, spread your legs, let him dive in.....then be gone without having to worry about you wanting more because the only thing he was clear about is that he will not be with you past the time that comes for him to be at home...with his wife.
So to all the women out there who wish to buy into that load of crap just know that you are only helping to perpetuate a lie. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 3:42:23 PM |
Man has worked very hard for many years, nice house, kids, material possessions, etc, but has no intimacy at home. Chooses to stay in the marriage as he knows the alimony will crush him, she stays home, raises kids, and he will lose half of everything he has worked so hard for. So he seeks intimacy outside the marriage.
I would imagine this same person also has some savings and the wherewithal to hire a really, really good attorney.
I would also imagine that the cost to this person would be much, much higher when they get caught. They always, always, always get caught. If the cost of losing half if too high, the cost of losing more because you have intentionally given grounds for a divorce is likely higher. Not only financially but socially as well and then factor in how it will effect the kids.
There are reasons that I can see infidelity being more acceptable. The whole, "I will lose too much" just isn't one of them, to me. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 4:09:44 PM | There is another side of cheating. I was told daily that he loved me, he always came up with excuses why we never had sex, his knee, back, wasn't feeling well. He told others that he was happy. We had sex about a week before he left to live with his girlfriend and within a month later he was engaged but it ended a month later.
I later found out he cheated thoughout the marriage and I had caught him twice and filed for divorce with the last affair. His first wife, her family and their children and his family were supportive. I talked to his first wife and found out he cheated throughout their marriage so I would classify my ex as a Serial Cheater. He only married me to help him pay off his first wife. He got off scott free in this marriage without having to pay for his own taxes and he makes twice the amount I do. I got his credit back on track and now he has screwed up my credit. So NO, Men are not the only ones that get dumped on.
I recently saw one of my former co-workers and she was divorced last year finding out her husband cheated and he was remarried within a couple of months of their divorce and she is stuck with all of the bills too.
I hope one day he falls madly in love with someone and she dumps him. If he was a REAL MAN and was not happy with the marriage be man enough to get out of the marriage without cheating. I have no respect for cheaters both men and women. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 4:18:32 PM | Ginny......I have a female co-worker who is in the same boat as you......she works to help her husband pay the first wife.
My brother is married to a witch. A real witch. She is a horrid, shrill, materialistic, heartless, cold, envious nightmare.
He has two kids, one is special needs. He is a great Dad. He also works very hard and has a good income, and for this, he has a sexless life with this witch shrieking at him all the time. I am not exagerating.
But if he were to divorce, I agree that he needs to help take care of the witch. They have been married for twenty years and she did her part with the household and the children.
Right now he does not want to lose access to the kids.
If he is having an affair with someone (one woman only)whom he wants to be with in a few years I would be so grateful to God
that he has had just a little bit of affection in a torturous life.
So yes, I could justify if he had an affair. Which he isn't, that I know of.
If there were no kids, no, I could not justify it. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 4:51:38 PM | | There is no justification in cheating. I have never cheated on a woman and never will. Those are my morals and standards | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 4:58:47 PM | | Well there is one thing I can conclude after reading all the posts. Not every sit'n is the same, and there are many circumstances involving infidelity. Will never approve of it, but I can honestly say I have been educated/enlightened with the information provided. I appreciate everyones feedback. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:19:42 PM | I'll justify cheating.
My ex cheated on me on grounds of neglect on my intimacy. I was working hard to give her everything I promised her on our wedding. She felt lonely and we had 2 kids at the time so she found her way on the internet chat. She cheated once and got caught right away. This happened on our 5th year. I got hurt and recovered after 2 years.
The dark shadow she created had been lurking me and after another year I decided to loosen up. I opened up to her that I am not happy anymore with her since I feel that I don't trust her anymore. She said that she never did it again after that one incident.
Well, I bought her everything that she had wanted in life and she said that she's grateful for everything. I expressed that should she wait till I learn to cheat on her because I seem to be lacking this intimacy on a partner? And she said that I can do whatever I want as long as I don't leave her.
I found that awkward but what can I do. I met a girl in a business meeting and had an affair with her that lasted 6 months. Everytime I see this girl and come home, my ex would smell my hair like a motel scent. She ask me why my hair is wet and I replied that what she doesn't know won't hurt. Leave it as a puzzle since she's got a hint.
I stopped seeing this girl and just faced my life with her as a condemnation.
But like everyone else, I realized that I still have some remaining good years in me and time to move onto a divorce. I want to be happy again as well as her. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:34:16 PM | Man has worked very hard for many years, nice house, kids, material possessions, etc, but has no intimacy at home. Chooses to stay in the marriage as he knows the alimony will crush him, she stays home, raises kids, and he will lose half of everything he has worked so hard for. So he seeks intimacy outside the marriage.
The fact is, it is not HIS property; it is THEIR property. The lack of intimacy is not HER problem; it is THEIR problem.
The sooner he realizes this and accepts it, the easier life will be for him. When I wanted to leave my husband, I took time to come to terms with the fact that the nice lifestyle I enjoyed was going to be reduced dramatically. In the end, I cared more about my life than my money; I left.
This man could be making a serious miscalculation in his mercenary view of the situation. I mean, it stands to reason that SHE might be very unhappy as well. He could stay in this loveless marriage for years to come to avoid an equitable separation of THEIR funds, only to have his wife announce one fine day that SHE has decided to leave, and he will be forced to share....it's quite a gamble when you look at it that way.
There is no excuse for cheating.
I guess I have never been so afraid of losing my stuff, that I would lie or go against my internal beliefs in order to keep it.
I lived in a beautiful home in a very desirable neighborhood and drove a luxury foreign car when I was married. I now live in a much smaller condo, drive a used car with 100k miles on it and am the sole support of two great kids. I never cheated and do not regret 'downsizing' one bit. I kept my integrity and went on with my life when I knew the marriage was dead. It's no big deal or huge secret how to do it, you just move on and accept that nothing lasts forever.
Totally agree, Carolann. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:38:42 PM |
I do not condone cheating. However, these men are cheating with...............................WOMEN................who may also very well may be............CHEATERS
Pirateheaven ^^^^^^
I have to agree with you.
My point here is that couple in affair would be both married people. Yes they are cheating, but yes they are just borrowing some happy times....no intention to steal anyone's husband /wife....
Just to steal some happy moments. In fact even if I get stoned here....sometimes the benefits of their extra happiness is given back to the families in the way of them being more tolerant and even more willing to agree and deal with issues that otherwise would drive them nuts.
If the affair is between one single and one married...that's is big trouble for the most part.
More than likely the free person will like to marry the attached person....and so on.
Honeyangel,
There is also no excuse for a spouse to fail to provide intimacy to their partner, or to fail to give emotional support. this not always is demanding a divorce situation and its addressed and not corrected...so whats your proposed solution???? | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:43:07 PM | I guess I have never been so afraid of losing my stuff, that I would lie or go against my internal beliefs in order to keep it.
I lived in a beautiful home in a very desirable neighborhood and drove a luxury foreign car when I was married. I now live in a much smaller condo, drive a used car with 100k miles on it and am the sole support of two great kids. I never cheated and do not regret 'downsizing' one bit. I kept my integrity and went on with my life when I knew the marriage was dead. It's no big deal or huge secret how to do it, you just move on and accept that nothing lasts forever. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:50:54 PM | Better run, I see stones coming! 
and somehow I do understand what you are saying Rosia, now who's got the balls!  | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:35:44 PM | If their spouse gives them PERMISSION (the spouse knows full well that the intimacy in the marriage is gone and said spouse is only there for a cushy home, or doesn't want to rock the boat for the kids' sake, or if said spouse is dying), it's not cheating.
Otherwise, suck it up and either stay in an unsatisfying marriage or suck it up and pay alimony in a divorce settlement. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:47:55 PM | | Gotta say no on the cheating here. Isn't there something at the beginning about 'sickness and health, good times and bad, forsaking all others?' And it crawls up my ass that people try to rationalize things with money - I'll loose this and we'll loose that. Tough - suck it up and if there is such a problem - better get to communicating fast. Sure, divorce and cheating are the easy ways to compound a bad situation, but they're for sissies. But that seems to be the way of things now - can't get off - cheat. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:59:49 PM | Well...quietly....I think it's a shame you think that makes sense.
It's not about the money.
Sex outside the marriage is not intimacy. Intimacy is not sex.
People cheat because they have an inability to face their fears.
Ask those particular people that give all those reasons what their therapist suggested about how they should go about living without sex while remaining faithful.
The percentage of people that actually were strong enough to use therapy to it's conclusion is minuscule.
People cheat because they are weak. And there is nothing wrong with weak, but there is something sad about not communicating with ones partner. Ask the next question to those that have strife in their marriage and at best - what people hear is "I tried." Then ask what that means. "Oh, therapy didn't work." is a common reply. People have to stay in therapy to face their fears, show there deepest level of vulnerability, really work together - that's hard stuff. People fail therapy, not the other way around.
Very immature thinking and truly sad stuff when people think there is justification for it. | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 9:02:27 PM | It's quite obvious any one that seeks to justify this behavior should never get married.
The only thing that separates those who will from those who wont cheat, is character.
I just hope they don't have any kids, but of course if love for their kids, and the consequences of this behavior were considered, they would never do it.
The last thing these people need is a "gentle" response. Which really is an insult, especially since many of us have struggled through the pains of a divorce
And I agree with the poster above who stated.."People cheat because they are weak" | |
|
| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 9:21:58 PM | | I'm all about therapy versus the easy way out. No justification to cheat - I've been on the downhill side of that and it hurts like hell. People do try to rationalize and justify such selfish behaviors, but again I have to refer back to the initial promise/contract about being faithful, forsaking all others, sickness and health and all that. It's sad how quickly those words loose all meaning in a society that has little, if any, notion of delayed gratification, when instant gratification is so much easier. But thinking it's okay to cheat because a spouse or partner cheated is just pathetic and sad. | |
|
|
| Page 3 of 19
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 |
|
Home
login 
