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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 7:34:38 AM |
I agree, the wife, or should I say other half, works just as hard, 50/50, but in the end, we all know the men end up paying through the nose. It really is a sad thing.
OP - I know this is a little off topic, but I just couldn't pass this statement by without responding. Men do not always end up paying through the nose. While going through my divorce, my ex wanted to keep all the "assets" and stick me with all the "debt". Alot of expensive attorney fees later, which I ended up paying all, our divorce ended with selling all the assets, paying off all the debt and we both started out at zero again. Now getting child support from him (we had 4 kids together) was a whole other battle all over again. More expensive attorney fees, jail time for him and me working 2/3 jobs, doing whatever I could to continue taking care of "our" kids. Both parties work and contribute in a marriage, whether it be working a job outside the home, or working to maintain the home and kids. And no, I wasn't married to a dead beat either. Years of analyzing the whole marriage, talking with friends and finally him getting medical help and telling my kids he has a "mental" condition was what was the demise to our relationship. But that is a whole other topic. Men do not always end up paying through the nose. Divorce is sad and hard financially on both parties concerned, especially when there are kids involved. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 7:47:41 AM | Strange. My experience has been different, in that some men and women enable their friends to cheat, make excuses for them, and some don't.
I have seen that type also ..but me thinks the ones that enable their friends to cheat have in their mind justified their own cheating ...some people just have no morals
the ones I was talking about were women who would condemn a guy but justify a woman ...I have seen this too..even from my own wife ....and I called her on it and made her think ..and she admitted her bias ..
we had a couple ,friends ...we found out both of them were cheating .... my wife was talking about what a dog he was ,,and I pointed out she was cheating also and we didnt know who cheated first ...my wife said immediately that he drove her to it ...I said so she says ..he says the same thing about her ..but you take one cheaters word over another
my wife admited her bias ..and the couple are divorced ...with my wifes approval i dropped him as a friend ....my wife still is her friend ... and I bet still believes her ... I have not told my wife cause I dont see the point ..but I have since found out from a outside source that she was cheating from the start of their marriage ..long before he gave up and cheated ...I also havnt told my wife ..but her so called victim friend has made advances toward me ...which I easily declined...bet though if i did cheat with her and was caught ..somehow she would end up the victim..think
this is not the only case of this that I know about | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 8:53:07 AM | | If they are married, they can divorce and sell the house and split the proceeds. They can still do this even if just living together. If you want a secure, ongoing relationship, presumably you would have money of your own to put towards buying or renting another home, plus the cost of living. It's a plausible excuse, but still an excuse, and what sort of example does it set for young kids to find their Mum or Dad goes off and has sex someone else, cos children aren't stupid. They think that's what adults do, and the cycle continues! | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 9:09:48 AM | I have a zero tolerance when it comes to cheating in any shape or form.
If youre not happy with your life why stay with someone and continue cheating?
Youre going to destroy the trust of your family, the betrayal and youre depriving yourself to have your own freedom and happiness and stay for the sake of marriage.
Whats good of staying in one house if the intimacy isnt there anymore?
The best thing is just tell the truth that the passion isnt there anymore and seek a divorce.
I wont buy the reason about the possession that he would lose...he is going to loss it anyway if the wife found out that he "seeks" intimacy outside the marriage.
Whatever their reasons why they cheat its till not valid for me to stay marriage.
Get divorce and you can do whatever you want.End of the story.
For people who gone astrays in marriage:
LIFE IS SHORT GET A DIVORCE! | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 9:18:31 AM | There is no justification for cheating.
In a perfect world married couples would be honest and open about their sexual needs. They would be willing to come to compromises so that both are fulfilled. It would be something shared between two people in love as an expression and reaffirmation of that bond.
Sadly, all too often it becomes a bargaining chip, something to the fill the void of a different need, or a chore or duty....like mowing the lawn or folding laundry.
If you can cheat, you truly do not love the person you are with. Could you do it in front of them....watching the tears stream down their face? | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 10:51:16 AM |
If you can cheat, you truly do not love the person you are with
If you can divorce a person lying in a vegetative state knowing they will become wards of the state, then you have a heart made of cold stone. If you can remain celibate for years and years because the person you married is in a vegitative state, you are a candidate for sainthood. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 11:08:51 AM |
I'm not sure if it's my age or life experience or what my friends are going through, BUT, I am beginning to understand why people cheat. Any way you slice it, it isn't justifiable, however, is there any validity in this scenerio...
well ive only cheated once on my exwife, but thats not why we split . she was going through some issues(married to young trying to work some stuff out type stuff) and was coping by trying an alternative lifestyle and told me to. it still felt wrong to me.
i dont if there really is a justifiable reason to tell you the truth | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 12:44:11 PM | Pazoozoo- Well..... that's a pretty specific circumstance. And if there is no family for power of attorney or a Living Will to handle termination of life support...
I think it would be safe to say that just about anyone who has been in love would agree that if they were ever in that state they would understand if their spouse began relations with others. That's not cheating....
Personally, I have a Living Will drawn up and recommend everyone does so. And even if I didn't wish to have life support removed in that circumstance... I would want my wife to have a happy and fulfilled life. Not one squandered in a hospital waiting for me to pass. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 1:22:48 PM | There are numerous reasons why a woman will deprive her husband of the "physical intimacy he needs to feel loved". A woman will stay in a bad marriage too, to be able to raise her children without hardship, and to give them a better life with two paretns. But the love may be gone, and physical intimacy will follow. These are the things that need to be looked at, and dealt with. It isn't just a physical act for most women, there needs to be an emotional commitment, and both party's need to sustain this to maintain the physcial intimacy they BOTH need! | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 1:25:35 PM | post 113
"If you can divorce a person lying in a vegetative state knowing they will become wards of the state, then you have a heart made of cold stone. If you can remain celibate for years and years because the person you married is in a vegitative state, you are a candidate for sainthood."
hmmm..thought provoking..but where does the vow saying" in sickness and health"til death us part goes??? | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 1:28:03 PM | I don't think staying married "for the kids" is ever a good idea. I think it gives them a bad idea of what a loving relationship is... and so the cycle of abuse continues.
But I do agree... a relationship is like a symphony and communication is the conductor... it'll continue for a little while without the conductor... but sooner than later it will devolve into a chaotic mess. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 1:35:04 PM |
A woman will stay in a bad marriage too, to be able to raise her children without hardship, .
so she keeps him around just for the money ..right...he will be better off and you also if you dump him and take his money | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 2:02:42 PM |
hmmm..thought provoking..but where does the vow saying" in sickness and health"til death us part goes
Here is one version of a traditional wedding vow.
Do you GROOM'S NAME take BRIDE'S NAME to be your wife – to live together after God’s ordinance – in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon her your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her as long as you both shall live?
Traditional wedding vows, the ones that include "in sickness and in health", are derived from the Common Book of Prayer from the Anglican Church, not the Bible. The vows are essentially a contract made in public, with a number of provisions. As with most contracts, when one provision is not fulfilled, it makes the contract null and void.
If a person is being kept alive by artificial means (machines and feeding tubes) they are unable to fulfill their part of the contract (comfort, honor, and cherish), consequently, the fully functioning partner is no longer under obligation to continue with the contract (keeping yourself only unto him/her as long as you both shall live).
We might also want to remember that monogomy in a marriage is a fairly modern concept. If we go by the Christian Bible, there are numerous examples of polygamous marriages.
I think one of the best, and most famous examples is the horrible case of Terri Schiavo. I suppose there are those who would condemn her young husband for seeking female companionship, but most are not that cruel or indifferent to his situation. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 2:07:27 PM |
so she keeps him around just for the money ..right...he will be better off and you also if you dump him and take his money
It's actually "their" money.
See, this is what I was pointing out earlier---it is really, really stupid to sacrifice one's happiness by staying in a loveless, sexless marriage just to avoid sharing the money. While you are busy sacrificing, your mate may be busy planning on leaving you. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 2:10:21 PM | Unfortunately, money has insinuated itself into even the most intimate relationships. Men cheat because their spouse doesn't want to be intimate with them anymore and if they ask for a divorce, she gets half of everything, (they say). However, according to the law that is not true. If men challenged their spouse, they'd find that 'not putting out' is legally called abandonment. And yes ladies, she's in the wrong. He might be liable for child support after that, but no alimony. What's wrong with a lot of marriages is the wife. She wants all the perks of the union but doesn't want to do any of the work. Men cheat because they want to 'get some', and if they tell you they will lose half, they're full of crap. They just want U to put out and feel sorry for them. Now if the wife was being a 'sexy' wife, he wouldn't go chasing other women. She signed on with him and it's her responsibility to their union to
give him what he needs/wants. If he wanders because she won't, she's not keeping up her end of the bargain. Wake up call married ladies. If your husband can prove that you abandoned him sexually/emotionally before he cheated, you're SOL for alimony. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 2:20:16 PM |
where does the vow saying" in sickness and health"til death us part goes???
That speaks to "leaving", not adultery. Frankly, if I was in a vegetative state, or any other state that rendered me unable physically and mentally to participate in my marriage, I'd much rather he committed adultery while remaining married to me and caring for me, rather than divorcing me and dumpung me off at the nearest care facility to rot.
Although of course he could have the option of divorcing me and still caring for me sans marriage. But I'd still prefer the loyalty of staying married to me, even if he does seek emotional support and physical comfort elsewhere. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 2:35:24 PM | | I am NOT condoning cheating in a marriage or relationship, but it IS a two-way street and BOTH spouses should take measures to solve THEIR issues and problems as soon as they start to surface. The longer problems are left to linger, that is usually when the cheating & lies begin. In some cases, couples will try counseling to keep their marriage together. When sex is stopped, arguing is commonplace, and both parities start pointing the finger at each other, it is time to think about possibly moving on and dissolving the marriage. I personally think it is worse for the children to stay in a loveless marriage. This is unhealthy for EVERYONE! | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 2:49:00 PM | Society has not made it easy for men who desire sex. Marriage demands an impossible promise, that he will desire only his wife henceforth. Standing at the altar reciting her wedding vows, the bride may be utterly beautiful and sexy and desirable, and perhaps he thinks he can desire only her forever. But then what happens? She ages, gains weight, maybe loses interest in sex. Research has found that most wives are very well satisfied with the amount of sex in their marriage, while most husbands wish for substantially more than they get. The implication is that for many men, marriage means years and years of sexual frustration.
The man is told to respect his wife's wishes. When she does not want sex, he should not push her to engage in it. That sounds quite reasonable and decent. Unfortunately, given the well documented fact that women want sex less frequently than men, he is condemned to countless nights of helpless wishes for sex.
And that's assuming that he desires her. What is he supposed to feel when she becomes less attractive to him? We have all heard endless and sympathetic discussions about how hard it is for women to see beautiful female models depicted in the media, because ordinary women feel they cannot live up to those idealized images. But what about how hard those same images are on the men? How are they supposed to continue desiring only their wives when they constantly see countless images of slim and gorgeous women all around?
Mandatory divorce laws pull men apart from their families. If a man finds a woman who will have sex with him and wants to form a relationship, society puts obstacles in his path. He is told he cannot marry the new woman unless he divorces his previous wife first. One wife at a time, that's the rule: If you want a new one, you must first get rid of the previous one. There is some ambiguity as to whether the monogamy rule was designed for the benefit of men or of women, but regardless of its intent, its function is to force many men to choose between sex and family. We should not be surprised (though we may not approve) that some men choose sex.
Meanwhile, what's to hold them back? It is hard for me personally to imagine a man who does not love his children deeply, though I suspect such men do exist. Intuitively, my powers of empathy fail to make the case of a man casually abandoning his children. But I could imagine him deciding to leave them anyway, especially if he is in the grip of passionate love and sexual desire for someone other than his wife, and when he sees society requires him to leave his family in order to experience that love and sex.
Consider how hard the alternative choice must be for some men. Imagine a man whose wife long ago stopped wanting to have sex with him most of the time. Perhaps his desire for her diminished as well, as she stopped flirting with him or started nagging or simply added pounds and wrinkles with the years. He has found someone new, with whom the sex is great and the emotional connection is blossoming into love. We as a society ask him to turn his back on this promise of love and sex, out of obligation to his wife and children. He thinks he sees the opportunity to have great sex every day with the new woman (it is often thus in the beginning, and may well have been that way long ago with his wife), and we ask him to give that up forever. Some wives do not allow their husbands to watch pornography or masturbate, so choosing to stay with his family means giving up most or all sexual pleasure for the rest of his life.
A man who gives up love and sex to remain with his family might think he deserves credit and appreciation for this difficult choice and sacrifice. Sadly, he is not likely to get it in many cases. If he had an affair, he may be made to feel guilty for having it, rather than made to feel noble for electing to stay with his family in the end. I don't know whether the men think of this when they are pondering whether to stay or leave, but surely some must expect that their wives will be inducing guilt more than their lovers, for that is almost certainly what is happening right during the period when he is deciding. His wife may bring up the affair in future years, and he will always have to suffer the guilt over it. Or at least he may anticipate this even if it is not true. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 3:04:50 PM | Ok... Here’s the rules to the game.
1. Make sure she knows everything up front; be the same man to HER that you say you are to all the “other women”.
2. Let HER make the decision to keep you or throw you away. She may not want you after you have been intimate with another. And you should give her enough respect to at least be “honest” with her.
3. If it’s not about money then there should be NO PROBLEMS telling her about your bright idea to cheat …right?
4. Make sure she gets to have just as much fun as you do, if not more. She may just surprise you and was thinking the very same thing. Open relationshipS??? whatever floats your boat.
As for me? I will never agree with any one, man or woman cheating for whatever the reason is. If the marriage has gone to pot. The least you can do is tell her of your intentions. If you cheat you have to lie, if you lie what else will you lie about? You cant be trusted! And no I don’t want a man like that in my life for any reason!
OP "I can see why they cheat"????? Where is your self respect and dignity woman! | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 3:05:16 PM | Spider, while I've made it clear I agree that both parties in a marriage owe each other the marital due and that deprivation is just as much a "failure" of marriage vows as is cheating, I have to say I find much of what you say hogwash.
Men get fat, get wrinkles, and get lazy in the romance department, just as women do. Women are also presented with media pictures of attractive, virile, attentive and romantic men. Imagine how hard it is for women to look at her lazy, inattentive slob of a husband and think about getting it on with him, and then compare him with what she "could" have - a cross between James Bond and Don Juan. She might still be able to get that - if only she weren't stuck with her husband, who barely remembers her name and who thinks foreplay is taking his shorts off. Women are also stuck with the "one husband at a time: thats the rule" and I'm sure some of them find it just as limiting as some men. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 3:05:52 PM |
Standing at the altar reciting her wedding vows, the bride may be utterly beautiful and sexy and desirable, and perhaps he thinks he can desire only her forever
Meanwhile, Prince Charming has a bar code for hair, a beer belly, instead of jelly beans, keeps Viagra in a candy dish, and thinks "Ya wanna?" is foreplay.
There are lots of ways I can defend adultry, but the fact that she is less attractive or doesn't want to be a part of the sex olympics isn't one of them. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 3:08:22 PM | | Women don't also lose attraction for their husbands? I know a lot of married women who say they have a higher sex drive than their husbands. Pounds and wrinkles and nagging are the kiss of death? Men do not have a lot of things they do that irritate women along with the men gaining weight and having wrinkles? | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 3:38:29 PM | no way at all, can you justify cheating
people need to get in control of thier owns lives and sort themselves out to be honest | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 4:02:30 PM | It's obvious that we can't be attracted to the same person forever but men and women see sex in totally different ways. Most men do not need an emotional connection for sex yet it is how most men can and do express their love.
Women are content with the security that a marraige gives them and all too often focus their attention on children and most men can't handle this for too long or not at all.
I think that most women miss the romance more than the actual sex. | |
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| Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/2/2009 4:06:51 PM | | It’s why I will never get married again; as to the justification, who am I to judge. | |
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