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Posted: 7/2/2009 12:37:39 PM | | And you think they cannot think without you jump starting their brain by pointing out the obvious in an insulting manner? Why do you "want to make them think" if you "don't care if they learn or not"? (which you later contradicted, BTW, but I'm still convinced you do it just to be an a**hole) So they'll feel as badly about themselves as your posts imply your opinion of them is? As I intimated with my initial post regarding your style, perhaps you don't intend to be insulting but you are. It's one thing to ask someone if they have figured out or know what they can and should do differently in the future. It's quite another to practically say "WHY'D YOU DO THAT, YOU FREAKING MORON?!?!" Asking someone why they married or produced a child with a loser isn't helpful or productive. They probably fall asleep beside a squalling kid every night wondering the same freaking thing. | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 12:56:57 PM |
She didn't keep making the same mistakes....she made 4 different ones! Right windroper
Different as snowflakes. I learned how to not marry another one just like the other one. Mistakes are like Baskin Robbins... there are just so d*** many flavors to choose from. I'm so glad I'm not perfect cuz eating vanilla all the time would be soooo boring. My life may not be perfect but at least I've lived. | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 1:12:56 PM | I am really sick of everyone attacking anyone who says the obvious, blunt truth.
It seems every whining single mom about how unfair it all is and how it isn't her fault has somebody on here standing up and saying that she is being attacked.
First of all, if you don't want to be judged, don't talk about your actions and feelings to complete strangers. Not all of us are going to give you a hug and say, "You're so right, poor you." If you cannot cope with the fact that you are the reason you are where you are, then you will never move forward and mature past those decisions that landed you where you are. Until you can say, "I made a huge mistake, and it affected my life and those around me, what can I do to make better decisions moving forward?", you will continually make the same monumental mistakes.
If you can't admit you knowingly slept with someone without knowing them, or knowing they were someone that did drugs or some other reason that you say now they wouldn't make a good partner or parent then you should just be prepared to be badgered until you tell the truth or you can just walk away. It's best to admit it so you can move forward and actually do what you have to do now; be a good parent and set the best example for the child you are raising.
Secondly, if you really wants what is best for this child you will let her father be a part of her life, especially because he wants to be. You can be supportive of him by forcing him to get help. Drug addicts and alcoholics sometimes need pushing to treatment. You can tell him that if he really wants to be a father he needs to become a man and leave behind the things that you disapprove of. This is the same for you, anything you are doing now that is not in the interest of your child needs to stop. Otherwise he is going to put in your face what makes you as unfit to be a parent as he is.
You are the mother, he is the father. You both need to grow up and become responsible adults. If he chooses drugs, then he is making the choice to not be in his child's life, not you. | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 1:16:05 PM | | And I totally didn't mean that in any snide way windroper :) | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 2:07:14 PM | I totally understand and appreciate that, fab. No offense taken.  
Bos, I'm not defending the woman's actions. Her question was not "How do I avoid making the same mistake in the future?" so the insulting and judgmental question was off topic and inappropriate, and I'm tired of seeing so many threads being hijacked and taken south in the same manner by the same people. | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 2:26:20 PM | why are so many people here saying "she needs to see her father" im sorry but i wouldnt want my child to see a drugged up alcholic dad :/ no matter how much he begged and pleaded,
1. its unsafe
2. how do you kno that he's not gonna be drinkin/smokin pot around the child
3. if he is whats thr chance of you losing your child because you let him take her
so ok people feel free to attack me... but for you parents would you really want your kids to go to a father that you kno is doin that....? | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 2:43:20 PM |
Bos, I'm not defending the woman's actions. Her question was not "How do I avoid making the same mistake in the future?" so the insulting and judgmental question was off topic and inappropriate, and I'm tired of seeing so many threads being hijacked and taken south in the same manner by the same people.
I'm sorry, can you show me where that quote came from? I cannot seem to find it. | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 2:46:34 PM | yunalescaa:
It isn't black and white. She can give him an ultimatum. Obviously she was irresponsible and is giving herself the chance to be a good parent, why doesn't the sperm donor deserve the same chance? | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 2:53:44 PM | | It's not a quote in the sense that it is exactly what someone said. I placed the question in quotation marks because it is the grammatically correct thing to do... but it is very close to what you said in your post which I was responding to. She didn't ask how to avoid doing the same thing or making the same mistake in the future (which is what you intimated in defending a person's right to question her actions). She asked if she should allow the father to see the child. So the question was totally off topic and inappropriate. Do you get where I'm coming from now? | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 2:54:10 PM | You have a lawyer and you pay them to listen to what they say.
With that being said, keep in mind that the courts will not allow you to take away the other parent's rights. It doesn't matter if it is a man or a woman. It would be like fleeing to another state and hiding your address.
You do state in another post that he has abused you, a drug user, and an all around not so good guy so you filed for Child support, Full custody, and a protective order. Those are all standard except for the protective order. Has he been arrested for abuse, arrested for drugs, arrested for threats, arrested for any other felonious activities? If not, none of that is going to fly in the court's eyes unless you have third party proof to back it up.
It's a very fine thread but you do not have the right to arbitrarily keep your child from the other parent. You have 18 years that you will have to provide access and information to for both of your child. Is it worth to argue symantecs or do you have proof that you are protecting your child. Remember, this is a long battle that will hurt you and it will continue and continue but will only hurt your child in the long run.
I agree with others but only in the context if he is abusive and a drug user to keep the child away for their safety. Other than that, you should not be keeping them away from him. How would you feel if it was the other way around? I am sure you knew he used drugs and were in the same environment as him. I am just being the devil's advocate here when it comes to keeping a child from their parent.
Sometimes people after being absent hate themselves for it and want to be involved. Sometimes they get scared when served with court papers. Sometimes there is a motive and sometimes there is not. | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 3:00:49 PM |
What kind of man in a stable relationship doesn't look after his pregnant wife/girlfriend?
futureshock, I can't help but think you've led a pretty sheltered life.
I guess it depends on your definition of stable. I was envisioning an ongoing relationship that produced two children, and everything was fine and stable except for the fact that while the woman was pregnant, the man ignored or didn't care for or didn't help out the woman. I just cannot understand why a man would do that.
When I was pregnant with both my kids in a stable relationship their father never looked after or cared for me either! I wonder if I should use that as an excuse to keep him out of their lives?
However, I can understand it happening in an unstable relationship, where the man reacts negatively to the pregnancy and leaves. He obviously wouldn't be looking after or caring for the woman in that case, since he either wasn't around or was objecting to the pregnancy.
sta·ble
2 /'ste?b?l/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [stey-buhl] Show IPA
–adjective, -bler, -blest.
1. not likely to fall or give way, as a structure, support, foundation, etc.; firm; steady.
2. able or likely to continue or last; firmly established; enduring or permanent: a stable government.
3. resistant to sudden change or deterioration: A stable economy is the aim of every government.
4. steadfast; not wavering or changeable, as in character or purpose; dependable.
5. not subject to emotional instability or illness; sane; mentally sound. | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 3:01:00 PM |
It's not a quote in the sense that it is exactly what someone said. I placed the question in quotation marks because it is the grammatically correct thing to do... but it is very close to what you said in your post which I was responding to. She didn't ask how to avoid doing the same thing or making the same mistake in the future (which is what you intimated in defending a person's right to question her actions). She asked if she should allow the father to see the child. So the question was totally off topic and inappropriate. Do you get where I'm coming from now?
What I said was "...what can I do to make better decisions moving forward?", but why it was taken out of context is what I find to be a tad perplexing. That aside, is she not asking for advice on how to make a decision? Is allowing or disallowing her child's father not a decision?
Why do you find yourself able to decide what is relevant or not to the poster, the readers or the thread?
While I can appreciate you find it to be unnecessary, I found it to be a good thought to bring to the discussion.
I hope you can get where I'm coming from now. | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 3:02:37 PM | Now I'm remembering why I almost left the POF forums....ah the inhumanity of some people who love to pull out that old "You are a bad person" card and toss it into the ring when someone asks for advice.
OP - This is the bed you two have made for your child which I'm sure right about now you are finding is somewhat uncomfortable. I agree, you are hitting him where it hurts him, his wallet.....so now he is hitting you where he knows it will hurt you in order to get even. I doubt he cares that much about his child if he has gone four months of her life not wanting to even see his child. Actions do tend to speak so much louder than words.
If I were you and you really don't want to have him around your child, remove your request to the courts now and do not seek child support from him. I have a feeling, he will once again disappear. | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 3:05:52 PM |
Now I'm remembering why I almost left the POF forums....ah the inhumanity of some people who love to pull out that old "You are a bad person" card and toss it into the ring when someone asks for advice.
Who called her a bad person? | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 3:15:30 PM |
Futureshock and mchurch, I just have to say this and I'll try to not be as offensive as y'all sometimes come off whether you intend to or not.
Everyone's experiences are not YOUR experiences. Also everyone does not think like you think. People make bad decisions and mistakes. They try to move forward in a relationship and make it better by doing things like having babies or they screw up their birth control and in the end that just makes it worse or involves an innocent child in a screwed up mess. It doesn't make them bad people and, hopefully, they learn and grow and get by in theis world. But your snide remarks about things in the past that cannot be changed don't bring a f***ing useful thing to the table. Give it a rest. Thank you.
If someone gave me an honest answer like that, I probably would give it a rest. But most people don't. They say things like, "My birth control failed so I had to have the baby." "I never wanted a baby with the loser but it just happened." or "He was wonderful until I got pregnant then he changed." All of these things invite challenges because they are clearly lacking in the truthful, full answer department.
On top of that, very rarely does anyone admit they made a mistake, They say things like "It was the best decision I could have made and I wouldn't have it any other way." Answers like that don't sit well, either. | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 3:34:03 PM | Ok, so then if her opening post had read something like....
"I have a 4 month old daughter who I've been taking care of on my own since she born. Her father was horrible to me and never cared for her. He denied her and never looked for her, he smokes marijuana and drinks all the time. When I was pregnant he never looked after me or helped me with anything. He kicked me out and treated me really badly. He never looked for the baby until I filed court paperwork. Now he wants to see her and I don't know if I should or not. My lawyer says no and my mom says no but I don't know what is the right thing to do.
I screwed up when I got involved with someone who smokes marijuana and drinks all the time and I realize that I am responsible in part for this situation. I'm struggling with this because he was someone I cared about alot and I know that there are some good qualities in him. Now that I'm a mother, this isn't just about me and him anymore and I don't want for our child to be hurt.
My question is, "Should I let him see her before the court day?" I'm young and don't have a lot of life experience so I really need some other opinions on this perhaps from people who have been where I am and have learned some things that might help me make this difficult decision."
If she had said it like that....would your responses really have been all that different? | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 3:50:05 PM |
If she had said it like that....would your responses really have been all that different?
The world may never know...
However, responses here are also based off others' posts and the subsequent posts by OP as well. Posts by those responding bluntly tend to get harder the longer the post continues to have people support the "it wasn't my fault" act.
This is no example to set for young girls. I was directed to a television show on ABC Family about teenagers, something like The Secret Life of an American Teenager. Not sure of the exact title. I was appalled by the comments and sheer volume of teenage mothers ages 12+ commenting about how it is irresponsible to give up a child for adoption or get an abortion, and how the younger you are the better mother you are. How did they get these opinions? Why is a 12 year old girl having sex at all, let alone unprotected sex?!
If nobody stands up and asks, "What in the world is wrong with this picture?", it is going to continue to get worse. | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 3:55:54 PM | I agree there is a problem with some teenage girls who aren't getting the right message but are they reading these posts on an adult dating site? Probably not, so the messages being delivered here are not reaching that audience........they are reaching the eyes of women in trouble because of decisions they made in the past.
Ask yourself this .... do these women scream of high self-esteem? | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 4:06:08 PM | Can these women not pass the information along? Can these women not talk to younger girls about how it was a mistake, and they made the best they could of what happened, but don't wish it upon anyone?
Why does it seem acceptable for them to say it was a wonderful miracle and they would never change a thing? I understand they love their child, nobody is questioning that but they still feel the need to say it. If there are teenage girls reading what they write here or anywhere else, or overhear what they say, they might as well draw up a billboard promoting underage sex and underage parenthood. | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 4:11:21 PM | bosox
maybe its not all black and white and fair enough she had a child with him, but that doesnt mean anything!
ok she said he was abusive to her - no matter what that is wrong, and whats stoppin him from bein abusive to the child? ok would you honestly give your children to a guy that was abusive alcholic druggy, even if it was the childs father?
coz i wouldnt no matter what! id rather my child be safe.
not just that but her own laywer said not to let him see the child! surly that must mean something about this guys character?
screw the father, they aint always needed in a childs life, and not one who would sooner sit on his backside and smoke pot all day | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 4:12:32 PM |
I screwed up when I got involved with someone who smokes marijuana and drinks all the time and I realize that I am responsible in part for this situation. I'm struggling with this because he was someone I cared about alot and I know that there are some good qualities in him. Now that I'm a mother, this isn't just about me and him anymore and I don't want for our child to be hurt.
My question is, "Should I let him see her before the court day?" I'm young and don't have a lot of life experience so I really need some other opinions on this perhaps from people who have been where I am and have learned some things that might help me make this difficult decision."
If she had said it like that....would your responses really have been all that different?
I didn't respond directly to this op, but I can tell you a response like that would eliminate many questions like "Why did you have a baby with that guy."
The world may never know...
However, responses here are also based off others' posts and the subsequent posts by OP as well. Posts by those responding bluntly tend to get harder the longer the post continues to have people support the "it wasn't my fault" act.
This is no example to set for young girls. I was directed to a television show on ABC Family about teenagers, something like The Secret Life of an American Teenager. Not sure of the exact title. I was appalled by the comments and sheer volume of teenage mothers ages 12+ commenting about how it is irresponsible to give up a child for adoption or get an abortion, and how the younger you are the better mother you are. How did they get these opinions? Why is a 12 year old girl having sex at all, let alone unprotected sex?!
If nobody stands up and asks, "What in the world is wrong with this picture?", it is going to continue to get worse.
I agree there is a problem with some teenage girls who aren't getting the right message but are they reading these posts on an adult dating site? Probably not, so the messages being delivered here are not reaching that audience........they are reaching the eyes of women in trouble because of decisions they made in the past.
Ask yourself this .... do these women scream of high self-esteem?
I am reading an in-depth study right now on poor women who have become single mothers, almost all of whom began parenthood as young teens. For them, the issue, believe it or not, is not about low self esteem. Many of them have quite high self esteem, which is on reason they think they can be such great mothers even though they might only be 14 years old and live on welfare.
Many of them have babies because they want to have them. They have no aspirations of education or careers, etc. Being mothers gives them a sense of meaning. | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 4:15:32 PM | He wants to be a part of the child's life, you wouldn't give this man the option of changing, even though you were just as much in the wrong?
Why doesn't it mean anything that she had a child with him?
I would give the man an ultimatum. I would give him the opportunity to be something better than what he has been.
She's giving herself the opportunity to be a good parent, he should be allowed the same chance.
If he chooses not to change his behavior, then he is the one choosing not to be a father. | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 4:18:20 PM |
I am reading an in-depth study right now on poor women who have become single mothers, almost all of whom began parenthood as young teens. For them, the issue, believe it or not, is not about low self esteem. Many of them have quite high self esteem, which is on reason they think they can be such great mothers even though they might only be 14 years old and live on welfare.
Many of them have babies because they want to have them. They have no aspirations of education or careers, etc. Being mothers gives them a sense of meaning.
Does it mention anything about their environments or parents? I just wonder how a girl winds up thinking that she has nothing better to do than have sex and have a baby. | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 4:26:19 PM | hey, we dont kno the ins and outs of her story life do we?
fair enough she may have loved the guy at the time, but its like a guy he hits a woman - im sorry it'll never happen again, 2 weeks later he beats her up again some people cant change and drugs, and alchol aint just something you can say goodbye too
and giving herself the opportunity? she needs to listen to what her friends and family are saying. the lawyer too they've all said no! they aint saying that for the fun of it, there saying no because its gonna be a serious matter. if the court decides hes ok to see the kid thats up to them, but i say no dont let him see it until then | |
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Posted: 7/2/2009 4:35:54 PM | My mom told me I couldn't open a bank account. I decided to do it anyway and I found out she had stolen my identity. Not everyone has another's best interest in mind. My mom also told me to disappear from my daughter's dad, and he's never abused me or anything of the sort.
Some people can't change, some people can. Everyone should be allowed that opportunity.
I don't need to know the ins and outs of her life. She had unprotected sex with a drug addict and got pregnant. That is an irresponsible mistake she made, and by keeping the baby she is giving herself the chance to be a more responsible person and to be a good mother. | |
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