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Posted: 7/5/2009 9:22:06 AM |
consider it lucky that I did something different with my experience, I never had an opportunity given to me, I had to fight and work hard for it all, any positive role models, I have absolutely no idea why I did so well at school or in my career, when none of my siblings did (I was the oldest child), I set a precedent in my family and I have absolutely no idea why I thought, and continue to think, differently from the rest of my family.....
I'm loathe to call it some kind of divine intervention, luck is the closest I can come to explaining why it was different for me.
Could be good genes, your drive who knows. I do think that childern have a certain personality or drive when they are born, it is up to the parents to encourage the positive traits.
Personal note: Nothing sweet, I'd love to talk to you outside of the boards, send me an email, here, and I will reply with my personal mail. | |
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Posted: 7/26/2009 7:10:58 PM | just so you all know, he met her, and she cried all the time...
He was happy tho, and he is kind a being good to her... so I guess it was worth the try, only god know how things will go on with him and the baby. | |
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Posted: 7/26/2009 7:33:15 PM | | Thanks for the update, it's nice to hear good news. | |
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Posted: 7/26/2009 9:00:44 PM | No, not until he gets it together. Tell him you will send him pics and letters about her if he wants.
she depends on you to keep her safe. do not let her down, you are all she has. | |
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Posted: 7/31/2009 6:53:37 PM | He loves her so much, is not even funny, he is working on himself, and things are better now... She still cries everytime wiht him, he works to much so she doesnt really know him yet, but he asks for her and worries... which i guess is all a mother ever wants from a ma like him...
I do take really good care of her... some of my friends have kids too and I have no idea how they can not care about their kids, Im wiht mine as much as i can, basically all day if posible. | |
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Posted: 7/31/2009 7:28:52 PM | | I think you need to catch some of us up on what's going on. | |
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Posted: 7/31/2009 8:20:19 PM | I have a 4 year old and an 8 month old, My children don't see there father and that is for the exact same reasons as your saying, alcoholic, drug user and abusive... I think that when you start asking the father for money that's when they start saying 'well if Im paying then I want to see the child, they probably don't even really care about the child its mostly about the money!!....I tell you what...I dont get a cent of child support because I dont want him saying he wants to see the kids when I know full well he doesn't care....and Ive managed with out his money for 4 years!!, so if i can do it, you sure can!!
I think the best thing is to just let sleeping DOGS lie, if he wants visitation then he will go to the courts himself if he truely cares, then you can file for child support then. Is he on the birth cert?? I file for an intervention order and got it with my daughters name on it, and it made it easier that he is not on the birth certificate!
If he truly does want to see his child for the RIGHT REASONS then I would say let him, but only under strict supervision, your daughters safety comes first. I think you can also make provisions that he is not allowed to drink or smoke prior to visit.
In the end you don't want a father who only disappoints his daughter by not calling or showing up when he's supposed to, all she need to know is that she is loved! | |
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Posted: 7/31/2009 9:39:52 PM |
I have a 4 year old and an 8 month old, My children don't see there father and that is for the exact same reasons as your saying, alcoholic, drug user and abusive...
Why did you want to have 2 children with a man like that? | |
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Posted: 7/31/2009 9:58:49 PM | Let's take this back to the OP's question.
Follow your lawyer's advice. That is what you pay him/her for. Your ex has proven himself to be an irresponsible loser. By his past actions, he is not to be trusted, nor given the benefit of the doubt at this time. If and when he starts paying support, quits using drungs, stops being abusive and immature, and starts proving that he has good intentions, then I would ask for supervised visitation and drug tests. If he does well after several years, and proves himself to be an active father, clean and free of drugs, then you can have the court reconsider the visitation.
The first order of business is always the safety and well-being of the child. Do not let your emotions or sympathy ever get in the way of your head. It is better to be safe than sorry, especially when you are holding the life and heart of your child in your hands. You don't get second chances when you are raising a baby. If he is willing to do the work and follow the guidelines the court sets out to see the child, then he really wants to be a father. If he doesn't, then he'll screw up before too long.
Be careful.
Beth | |
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Posted: 7/31/2009 11:10:31 PM | | tass I agree but she is taking care of this child, and she is the one who for that childs well bing is to see fit what is good for that child. End of story. she doesnt have to talk bad about the childs father, but it is her responsibilty to protect the kid, unless a court rules the father can see the child, thanl god for lawerys | |
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Posted: 8/6/2009 3:47:59 PM | So he saw her... after everything I alouded him to see her, I never had a father in my life so I believed maybe he could be at least that to her... Well I was wrong... We agreed on keeping it as a secret that he saw her. I actually believed he could keep the damn secret. Well he didnt and he screw me over. I was planning on going to Colombia (my home country) to see my family and spend her first christmas wiht them, now he is making the court take my pastport away so I cant go no where. He asked the court that I have to INFORM him of everything i do with or without the baby. He wants to know where i go, what i do, what school i go to, how many times a day we sleep or eat or go to the bathroom... he wants to know my address my phone number my postal code, he wants to know everything so he can come to my house anytime he feels like it and he wants me to work around his scheduale so he can see her and take her over night when he feels like it. He wants to take her every weekend and take her 3 times a week on the afternoons. This is so unfair! Ive being alone for everything and now he gets all the benefits he wants... I can not even go and see my family! because this man thinks he owns my life and her life!
I shouldnt have never let him see her on the first place or talk to him.. I screwd myself over... | |
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Posted: 8/6/2009 4:07:29 PM | | You chose him to be the father so you have to live with the consequences. Now the courts will decide what is best for the child. | |
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Posted: 8/6/2009 4:32:32 PM | | Bottom-line is: You have an attorney and a court date. Do what your attorney has advised. Things may change in the future. For now, just do what you're being advised to do. If your child's father is harassing you about this, let your attorney know that too. | |
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Posted: 8/6/2009 5:02:15 PM | Goga, he can only ask that the courts make u provide your address to him, and ways of contacting the child. It is not any of his business what school u go to, who you date, etc. His only business is the child at hand and matters concerning her well being. He has no right to know what goes on in your personal life unless it is going to directly affect your daughter (i.e getting married, etc)
Your lawyer advised you to not let him see her because by letting him see her you acknowledged he is a good parent..Now you cannot turn around and say that he is not..Unless of course he is still doing drugs/whatnot, and if he is you may be asked why you let a person who you know does drugs be around your child. If he told you he quit and you believed him tell the courts that..
Custody agreements in general will state that neither parent is allowed to take a child out of state/country/whatever without permission from the other parent.
I'm sorry he screwed you over..I know your heart was in the right place..But from now on listen to your lawyer. Sounds like this guy is going to use whatever he can to try and control you or make you look bad in court. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2009 8:18:50 AM | He is trying hard... I now know why eh is doing all of this... he is hurt. We talked last night and he told me this was going to be fix and that he was sorry for everything stupid he was doing, but he was so hurt... God know if it is true., Im just going to keep my guards up.
Thank you all for the comments | |
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Posted: 8/7/2009 9:13:12 AM | Don't listen to the talk, look at the actions!!!
Yes , you are right, keep your guard up. Some people , when given an inch, will take a mile, really.
Actions speak louder then words!!!
You don't have to fix him, you are helping him more by having healthy boundaries yourself.
Wonder why I feel so strongly about this, haha. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2009 9:15:06 AM | Exactly, above poster.
You cannot trust this man farther than you can throw him. He is likely trying to get close to u again so he can try and get more on you to take you to court. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2009 2:55:59 PM | I firmly believe that both parents should be a part of a kid's life -- whether they are perfect, or not.
Now.. that doesn't mean you should leave them alone or let him take your daughter for the weekend by herself, especially since she doesn't 'know' him well enough yet and he is a drinker, etc. I wouldn't trust my son in that kind of environment!
But supervised visits can take place and even be beneficial for both of them. Maybe he's ready to start being a part of her life.. and he has every right to that!
Just remember YOU are her legal guardian and have the final say so as to where and when he takes her or sees her.
Try to work with him.. compromise can really work wonders!! | |
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Posted: 8/7/2009 3:07:54 PM | | Your lawyer is paid to do right by your child. You've given him chances, its time to stop being so lenient. | |
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Posted: 8/15/2009 10:14:33 AM | Babe, when I was a toddler my parents broke up, and divorced. My mother refused point blank to allow my father access to me. I spent fourteen years not knowing my fahter, and at 16, finally I met him. It reconcilled years of confusion and feeling like I was unwanted(my mother told me he didn't want to see me and didn't want me; not the case). My father and I now spend once a week with eachother trying desperately to catch u on the years we lost. Don't let this happen to youe baby.
At 4 months, visitations should be kept to 6 hours maximum at a time, as at this developmental stage the baby still thinks you and her are one entity. At 9 months, they realise that you aren't joined at the hip, and at this point, I'd extend the visits to overnight. keep the visits at this point for a while, until they are 14-15 months old, then extend it to fortnightly visits, for the weekend(which is the norm).
I had my daughter 9 months ago. Thanks to a parenting agency, I let my daughter's father see her fortnightly for the weekend(We have a civil agreement, and he has done the kid thing with his other daughter, who is five). I don't want my daughter to go through what I did, the feeling of lovelessness, and feeling alone. This may not be the case here, but in all fairness, bubs comes first. What would be best for the baby?
I hope this helps, hun | |
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Posted: 8/15/2009 10:20:24 AM | I would like to add that as this has become nastier by the sounds of it, then I suggest that you maybe think of asking the courts to provide him with supervised visits until he is proven to be capable as a father. Then unsupervised visitations can start.
Be strong, let the lawyer go into bat for you, and stop answering his calls, except to tell him that if he wishes to ask after his child, he can call at a specific time to talk ABOUT THE CHILD, NOTHING ELSE. Anything else is to be discussed between your lawyers, to keep the peace. again, hope this helps. | |
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