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| Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated
Posted: 7/2/2009 4:12:54 PM | | A lot of people just lie in general....say their divorced knowing they arent. some arent divorced but truly are seperated and dont see the big issue. i guess it depends on you...i do feel someone can be seperated and completely done with the marriage...i dont think men truly will settle down with someone right after getting done with a divorce because they havent had a chance to even relax and date and breathe....i think they just date to keep themselves occupied and because their lonely or horny....i would recommend letting them go until they get everything out of their system, you'll just end up with a broken heart and being dumped later on... | |
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| Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated
Posted: 7/2/2009 4:33:22 PM | OP isn't wrong for her feelings on the subject.
It's how she felt. No different than prefering tall over short or smart over dumb.
Everyone who's have a relationship here fall apart has their own view on what happened and what the aftermath was.
Some lie and some jump the gun a little. Wanting to go out and have companionship...but, seeing as divorces in many areas can be a slow and messy process they can find themselves in a soul-destroying limbo.
In some divorce cases, having a new BF/GF can help alleviate calls by the ex that you are stalking them. You not only have someone new in your life...but a witness.
Yes...relationships are messy.
Ending them often more so. | |
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| Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated
Posted: 7/2/2009 7:17:46 PM | I won't date someone who lists themselves as "separated". That means, they aren't completely done with that relationship yet, and if they aren't truly completely done, that can't really be ready to start a new one. The MUST be divorced, period. No exceptions.
But as far as guys listed themselves who are divorced when they are only separated, that's just kind of stupid because you're going to find out sooner or later what the real deal is. Better to be upfront about it because not all women have an issue with the separated listing. Kind of dumb to lie about it. | |
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| Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated
Posted: 7/2/2009 8:22:23 PM | I understand why people lie more than I understand why people are so quick to put a single label on a diverse group of people.
Divorced, separated, married are LEGAL definitions...they are not solely relationship definitions. The emotional connection in a marriage is often long gone before people reach the stage of separation, and in these cases, the people are often able to move on to new positive relationships.
Placing everyone who is separated into one category is quite ignorant actually. To think all these people are the same, have the same issues, and have the same degree of emotional stability shows a lack of cognitive thinking. If you cant find out the specifics of his or her relationship, and have to use a 'label' to deterimine their eligibility to date, you probably shouldnt be dating yourself due to latent emotional issues.
I have my status listed as married, and will keep it that way until I am divorced. I am not really here looking to start a serious relationship anyway, so I don't feel I am missing out on perspective 'dates' I have been through the stigma of 'separation' before, and I dont feel the need to explain myself again...my time will come | |
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| Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated
Posted: 7/2/2009 8:26:52 PM | | I don't think that someone who is separated for 5 months is ready for a relationship, so maybe he lied because, at some level, he knows others will perceive of him as unavailable and he is desperate to get into some type of romance. I agree that lying breaks any relationship. | |
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| Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated
Posted: 7/2/2009 8:47:51 PM | I don't think you're being too harsh.
I can't help you with the guys who willfully lie, but for those who might be a little fuzzy about "married." I am clear about not wanting to hear from "almost divorced" men. My profile has a little statement to that effect, so there's no misunderstanding!
Either you're married or you're not..I'm not unsympathetic, it's just that I deserve someone without that particular baggage.
Good luck! | |
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| Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated
Posted: 7/2/2009 9:20:14 PM | its the stigma with separated. girls start cussing me out cuz I have that on my profile and they act like I shouldn't even be on here until I'm divorced. People don't realize how long divorces take, alot easier getting married than divorced.
please, they don't take THAT long and why get involved with someone new when you haven't had closure in your marriage?? you really should end one relationship before starting another one. most people will not date separated and i'm one of them. most people who are separated are on the rebound and not looking for a serious relationship straight out of a marriage. maybe they should date other separated people and leave the truly single ones alone. | |
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| Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated
Posted: 7/2/2009 10:14:53 PM | I am probably really naive in all this, but here it goes. If a person has been married, is divorced, but there was no children, in the marriage, why can the person not say they are single, but must say divorced? I would call that being single. If a spouse has moved out, then can a person say they are single?
FWIW, I am legally married. Almost for 4 years, but will have papers filed before then. We have procrastinated for so long, our/my bad. My wife in her genius moment, thought that moving out of the house would bring us closer together? She moved out almost 3 years ago, and we are just now getting our papers filed. No lawyer as it is an amicable split, she can take what she wants, and I will cut my losses and chalk it up as a life lesson. I refer to myself as single. Her opinion of what I do, where I go, who I see matter not to me. I could fully understand that a woman would be upset at me misrepresenting myself. When we are legally divorced in hopefully 3-4 months, I will call myself as single, and believe I am truely honest, as there would be no further baggage from our marriage imo. | |
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| Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated
Posted: 7/2/2009 10:20:34 PM | | OP no I don't think you're being too harsh. I'm surprised there is a category for 'separated' on here, that is cheating on your spouse. I don't think people should be trying to get involved with others 'til their divorce is final. | |
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| Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated
Posted: 7/2/2009 10:55:35 PM | Well, I disagree that separated is necessarily cheating on your spouse... in most states its a required legal waiting period after people have already decided to split up! Unless you are very religious, but then, all marriages are forever in most religions, aren't they? So waiting for the papers to be signed is irrelevant in that situation...
I really wouldn't care if a divorced person without kids is calling himself single... don't know what the difference is, but if you're sensitive about it, I don't find that very deceiving, as the legal status is the same, and connections with the ex are severed. Calling yourself single but really only separated, now, that's a problem, and very deceptive!
I think separation is legally separated, too, not just moving out... but someone who flips those around, I could see their point... not that I want to date someone who hasn't even filed, though!
Question for all the separateds who are so upset over this... what is the big deal? So you're not a big internet dating stud (or studette) for 6 months... no one is saying you shouldn't date, just some of chose not to date you, yet! Finish the process, let go of the past, and move on with it... I can't comprehend why someone would want to live in that limbo for years, personally, that just sounds so messed up!
Except for the one woman I read about who couldn't FIND her husband to serve him... that would be an exception, heck, she should call herself widowed after a PI can't find him! | |
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| Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated
Posted: 7/2/2009 10:58:59 PM |
.i dont think men truly will settle down with someone right after getting done with a divorce because they havent had a chance to even relax and date and breathe....i think they just date to keep themselves occupied and because their lonely or horny....i would recommend letting them go until they get everything out of their system, you'll just end up with a broken heart and being dumped later on...
Playing devil's advocate... couldn't the same thing be said for anyone breaking off any long term relationship? In theory, aren't we all 'rebounding' from our last long term relationship?  | |
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| Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated
Posted: 7/3/2009 4:52:45 AM |
Question for all the separateds who are so upset over this... what is the big deal? So you're not a big internet dating stud (or studette) for 6 months
I think the big deal is that so many people ASSume that someone who is separted still has emotional ties to their spouse, have too much baggage, or they are not really intending on getting divorced. With the exception of the latter, there is nothing different about someone who is divorced, and separated. Being separated is like waiting in line at the grocery store. You have your stuff, you know what your getting, you just need the recipt to make it yours on PAPER.
Personally, I would not want to date someone (regardless of my situation or status) who put blanket statments out there about separated people, lumping them into one category, without making a decision on the actual facts. To me it is no different than being racist, or having any other prejudice.
And FWIW, my first divorce took three years, not six months. This was AFTER the papers were filed. | |
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R2D2_1
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Joined: 3/25/2009
Msg: 38 | |
| Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated
Posted: 7/3/2009 6:54:46 AM | Divorced or separated and what affect that would have on dating someone is something everyone has to determine for themselves on a case by case basis, I guess. It wouldn't make any difference to me so long as the objective was to complete the divorce.
For me, a much bigger issue would be minor children because I won't remarry until I've lived with a person for a number of years. Many people have that attitude nowadays and I'm convinced they're correct. The court retains continuing jurisdiction over the parties until minor children reach the age of majority. Your divorce is not complete until those children are no longer minors. It is completely inappropriate for a boyfriend to sleep over or live with a mother with minor children present. When this happens, any father can object and the usual remedy is that after one warning, the mother would lose custody of the minor children to the father.
Courts are firm on this issue and it's well established in that live in boyfriends or overnight stays is not in the best interests of the minor children and not acceptable. I agree completely with the courts in this regard. Many custodial battles that were intially settled become quickly unsettled when this occurs and any father who objects when this occurs is on the right side of the law. | |
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| Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:45:39 AM |
And FWIW, my first divorce took three years, not six months. This was AFTER the papers were filed.
Ok, if it took so long, I have to ask why? I ASSume divorces take so long because they get messy... even if you are ready to move on, the ex isn't, or there is a big struggle over the kids, property, etc... am I wrong?
And, could you see why a single person might choose to want to wait to get involved with someone until after that stuff is done?
Or was it really peaches & cream friendly, and the three years was slow courts (which would be very strange to me, seems like if people are agreeable, they tend to get it done quickly)
Again, I'm not without sympathy, but just have been there, done that, don't want to do it again... seems reasonable to want to wait, to me. So thats what I choose to do.
And that's one reason lying is so bad, it takes away someone's choice in the matter, and lays the foundation for deception just to get what you want, without regarding for the other person. | |
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| Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:50:59 AM | | im normally a ghost reader on the forums but i had to respond to this one. i see alot of ppl make comments on their profiles about this particular subject. first and foremost a lie is never acceptable. secondly, id like to add that i am seperated and i put tht on my profile. and no it doesnt mean my x doesnt know about the situation and is going to b mad if im dating. i have been seperated for over 4 years. the reason i havent divorced.. plain and simple.. laziness. its a hassle. i have 3 children which we both are devoted to and dnt wnt the aggravation of custody, child support.. blah blah blah. its a financial setback and i just dont hate my x enough to drag both of us into an extended legal battle just so tht someone im dating can feel more comfortable with the situation. il honestly get divorced when i "feel" like it... or i want to get married again. my own parents were not legally divorced for 17 years. just like marriage is merely a piece of paper .. so is a divorce decree. it doesnot lessen the fact tht relationship did not work out. to b perfectly honest my x is one of my bestfriends and i consider him family and my loyalty to him is as such. we moved to arizona together as a married couple and he is truly the only family i have out here.. just because the romanCe died doesnot erase the fact tht he fathered my children and is quite literally "my blood", and any man tht believes in loyalty shld not only understand this but if they wanted to really be with me wld have to accept it. i do not believe tht i should have to hate my x in order to b in love w someone else. bottom line is for me.. seperated DOESNOT MEAN IM HIDING SOMETHING. | |
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| Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated
Posted: 7/3/2009 10:00:27 AM | But divorce doesn't have to mean you 'hate' your ex... it sounds like, if you (above poster) get along so well, it should make for a simple divorce, right?
Honestly, though, if I met a guy with your attitude, that would be reason enough not to date him. First, I dislike laziness. Second, I'm an attorney, and HATE loose ends... running around separated, not divorced, can made for some possible sticky situations in your life, legally (remember, a marriage creates a legal binding between you & your ex, involving your income, inheritance, the person to make decisions for you if you are ever incapacitated, etc... do you really want to leave this end floating in the breeze??) Third, to ignore how someone else that you might date might feel about you being still linked to your ex is selfish, IMO. Many people believe marriage is more than a 'piece of paper'... I laugh when people try to justify not getting divorced this way... obviously that 'piece of paper' meant SOMETHING to them at one time, just not now, when its convenient to forget about it!
Another reason I hear is 'I can't afford' it. Thats a matter of priorities... and if you really, truly, can't come up with the $325 filing fee (CA) you can always fill out in forma pauperis forms to let you proceed without paying... and, if money is that tight for you that you can't come up with $325, you're probably on the financial 'edge' too much for me to want to date, anyway.
Thought of something else that has happened a lot with me when I've dated separated guys... without fail, they ask ME for legal advice! Nothing more special than on a 2nd or 3rd date and hearing all the sordid details about their marriage! 
See, those are my reasons, above and beyond the whole 'if you are separated you aren't over her' type stuff... although that can often be the case as well!
Sure is complicated, isn't it? | |
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| Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated
Posted: 7/3/2009 10:32:49 AM | | OK this reeks of problems. NO ONE wins in a relationship such as these. The fact that he didn't tell you is one issue which speaks for it self. Another is the fact that hes not divorced and only be separated for 5 months. I never date guys who haven't been divorced for at least a year but I prefer 3-5 years. There is so much drama and guys have a bigger problem getting over the drama than women do. They never get over or take a very long time getting over the women who scorned him. Especially if hes to blaime and he won't admit it. I say this is your chance to change the pattern of meeting, dating married men. They are married no matter what they say because the feelings are still there. Get out NOW!!!!!!!! | |
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| Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:40:59 AM | This is a tough one. Yes, you're right, relationships are built on trust and the guy lied. On the other hand, there are so many complicated laws in each state, bifurcation being another case where someone is divorced and not divorced AND separated and not separated.
The problem I see, besides the deception, is mainly this: it is a fact, I think, that people who have not had their finalized divorce and people whose divorce is still fresh, the ink on it hasn't dried yet so to speak, are still going through various motions. Whether they are happy about their divorce or not doesn't matter. The fact is that they are on a sort of rebound. They are not actually free, and in my experience, a divorced person needs to feel free first before going into another long-term relationship.
Bifurcated judgments can also be a pain: they are usually due to serious disputes between the two former partners. And I don't know about you guys, but I would really like to know whether a guy I'm dating is really free to have a relationship. I also don't partitcularly want serious strife in my life where two former spouses perennially hate each other, especially when there are kids involved too! It's terrible. As a very good friend told me recently: "Dana, a divorced guy yes. Divorced with kids yes. But divorced with kids AND a custody/financial battle? NO!"
Sorry, guys, I know that some of you may be more willing to do this. I also understand it when people in unhappy situations wish to date. However, I should be the one making this decision about myself, not them! | |
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| Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated
Posted: 7/3/2009 12:07:26 PM | Most of us have fallen for that trap at least once!.....predicted next scene: "for the sake of the children I just have to go back with her".
Probable truth: wife had to go out of town to care for sick relative, or maybe a professional who actually works out of town at times.....or possibly she has been home all of the time and he is just totally dishonest!
Your projected future if you stay with this guy: A lot of sadness...your choice! YOU control your destiny girlfriend! | |
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