| Why does contact fade?
Posted: 7/2/2009 4:00:40 PM | Allright people. some of you I agree with, some not. So here goes....
I think you would NOT have slept with him if he didn't give you the impression that there was a development of some type of relationship.
So, your radar is all ****ed up. Don't get mad at that comment.let me explain.If you take what a potential partner is saying at face value with no action to back it up, then the connection will always fade. And I mean always. A person can and will SAY whatever they need to to get what they want. It is MUCH MUCH harder for a person to act and show this so called feeling they have for you.
So, TEXTING,CALLING,EMAIL is easy and disconnected. ACTIONS SPEAK LOADER THAN WORDS. So very hard for a woman when that is a natural ability of ours. When we say something, we mean it and feel it. When a man means it he ACTS on it....... Are we getting it yet?
Sleep with who ever you want, as much as you want honey!!!! Just realize you are giving the ultimate to a man when you do so. I used to think that was soooo BS. But it is much harder for a man to connect with a woman than the opposite. It takes a while. When you give sex too quickly, it prevents the ability to SEE YOU, and WANT you. The climax is over for a man..so to speak.. Holding out is not a game. It gives time for him to see the other beautiful attributes that would be lost in the lust. | |
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| Why does contact fade?
Posted: 7/2/2009 4:25:14 PM | Ginny, aircraft mechanic! Holc crap, thats really cool. I remember when I worked in the airforce the AC guys used to say that if the fighter wouldn't shut off just throw a wrench in the engine intake. Kick ass job!!!!
Anyways, I think alot of young professional woman are dealing with this mixed message dating crap. I have fallen into it in the past as well. Your like, what happened? wtf? But the basics of attraction will NOT change no matter how developed our western society has become.
It's not an insult to either sex by any means, its just natural. Once a woman embraces being a WOMAN, I think she will relax and the best man will win her affections. NOT the other way around.
Let a man be a man | |
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| Why does contact fade?
Posted: 7/2/2009 4:37:57 PM |
I recently met this guy on this site, and we hit it off right away. He was texting me like crazy, until I finally slept with him. He still does text msg me, as well as msg me here in POF; but it's far more of a fine line now compared to when we first started to hang out. Here's something to think about.. If you meet and you seem to hit it off and he's thinking along the lines of wanting to get to know you for more than the physical.. he will not limit his contact to you to just POF email and text messaging.. He will actually call you on the phone to hear your voice and he will make plans with you.
If after you've met and particular if you've gotten physical and the contact is still going on through this site.. then most likely he is still looking and he will eventually find someone who he deems is better than you. Afterall ~ there is thousands to choose from and there's bound to be a BBD out there eventually.
I found that once I've met someone who REALLY wants there to be an US. Then his contact with me is never again through POF. He phones me.. Imagine.. just like in the old days before words on a screen meant so much to people yet mean sweet F. all in reality. I suppose the exception to that rule is if we're both interested in the forums.
Have you contacted him on occassion (like actually called him on that phone) or do you leave all the initiating up to him.. It has to be give and take.. if you find yourself always doing the initiating then that is just as one sided.
Don't beat yourself up op.. just appreciate it for what it was/is?.. but stop doing what you've always done if it isn't working the way you want it to. ~ First check how deep the water is before actually jumping in.
Live and learn and ..
Best
~ Wishes ~ | |
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| Why does contact fade?
Posted: 7/2/2009 4:42:23 PM |
It is MUCH MUCH harder for a person to act and show this so called feeling they have for you....
ACTIONS SPEAK LOADER THAN WORDS...
When a man means it he ACTS on it.......
I have a question...
How man can prove that he has feelings for you? What actions should he take? (Ex. Introduce you to his friends etc...) | |
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| Why does contact fade?
Posted: 7/2/2009 5:07:49 PM | Wow...I hope your little heart can take all of this breaking into pieces. You'd better stop and take a good look at what is really happening.
1. If a guyfish is initally hooked by "very possible sex" bait, he will work it until he gets what the lure offered. Then ...burp...he's gone. He was only on Level 1 - SEX
2. If a guyfish is initially hooked by interest in her...and if she also looks good, he will work it to see if there is possible sex, plus .....he will really enjoy doing so because he really digs her! Next thing, he's finding that she's in his head and he can't shake it.
He will do two things then. Intensify the sexual chase to keep it on his playing field...or do a "poofer"...If he does a "poofer" and you haven't had sex with him...then shrug and see what happens. If he likes you, he will be back. If he intensifies the sexual aspect...hold off until he recognizes that he cares for you and quits being scared. Then he'll have the patience of JOB because...well...he will do anything for you now...even wait until the golden moment.
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| Why does contact fade?
Posted: 7/2/2009 5:15:31 PM | | yes you shouldnt have slept with him for at least a couple months...NEVER SLEEP WITH THE MAN YOU CONSIDER LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL until you know he wants to be in a committed monagamous relationship and that takes time....its not that they arent interested, but you already gave him the most important thing u could give him. we all do it, but i learned that if u make him wait it will give u time to at least see if things are going to work out and trust me if he really likes you, he will respect ur wishes....men dont see sex the same way we do...they can sleep with u one day and move on the next...u wont find this out unless u get to know each other in different ways besides rolling around in the bed... | |
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| I swear....and every man I know agrees....
Posted: 7/2/2009 5:34:19 PM |
NEVER SLEEP WITH THE MAN YOU CONSIDER LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL until you know he wants to be in a committed monagamous relationship
...fails to understand this logic.
So...you fcuk a guy you don't care about...but if you really like the guy...you play games.
Whatever. This is why I have rules. Put out by the 3rd date. PERIOD. And yes, I posted it right here for everybody to read.
My wife? We had sex on the first date.
My last GF of 18 months? Sex on the first date.
Current GF? Sex on the first date.
Every woman I have ever been in a relationship with? Sex in 3 dates or less.
Have I ever had a "one night stand"? Well yes, as a matter of fact I have...and every time I did...that was apparently the choice of the woman involved. If I never want to see you again...I'm not gonna sleep with you in the first place. I'm not saying that we are gonna get married or whatever, but I wouldn't be sleeping with someone I wasn't interested in spending time with on some ongoing basis...
Like I said..whatever. Since apparently this seems to work so well for some of you ladies, feel free. Do whatcha feel.
At age 43, I am too old for "play nice and you can have the cookie" games...I expect SEX to be part of my adult non platonic relationships....period. | |
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| Why does contact fade?
Posted: 7/2/2009 5:40:54 PM | Lissa
Yes, Your example of introducing you to his friends is an example of a man acting on what he "says". But that doesn't seem to be the progression that the question of "why does the contact fade"is at.
Actions would refer to the follow through. If your dating intrest says that he would like to......"fill in the blank" then I feel he should actually act on it.
Such as
taking you out during the day. No late night meet up
Sharing and includingyou in his interests. Sports, work, hobbies, friends,family
Planning time in his schedule for you. NOT at 11pm or 2 am | |
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| I swear....and every man I know agrees....
Posted: 7/2/2009 5:42:22 PM | | i think everyone has had a one nite stand at some point in their life but if your smart and pick up quick, most men do bounce after a couple hits because they knew they werent interested in anything serious to begin with. Im sure there are those love stories where it lasted after screwing the first night but thats rare. All i am saying is if you dont sleep with someone the first night you spare yourself the feeling of feeling used when he doesnt call you anymore....if you give it a few months and wait to see if you even like him you may realize he wasnt for you anyway, so why sleep with him unless you just wanna get laid? | |
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| I swear....and every man I know agrees....
Posted: 7/2/2009 5:49:20 PM | | IFXP76.nailed it on the head. Once you figure it out....Then just do what you want honey. If you sleep with him too soon and he doesn't respond the way you want.. well then just move on or keep it real casual | |
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| I swear....and every man I know agrees....
Posted: 7/2/2009 5:58:58 PM | | putting out by the 3rd date is ridiculous....could this be why everyone is "your ex". if i went out with you knowing that there was some time clock that i had to sleep with you by, we wouldnt go out to begin with...you might as well find a tramp off the street. | |
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| I swear....and every man I know agrees....
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:01:12 PM | After reading further, what I find amusing is
Or the fact that I gave into sex with him could be key? and other posters agreeing with this sort of phrase. What's with this "giving in" to having sex? Do you not have sex because you want to and you feel it is right? Like WTF??!! What were you "giving in" for if you didn't want to have sex in the first place? Are you using it as some form of bartering chip like if you give it out when you don't want to at that moment he'll maybe like you more and you can keep him around longer until you actually get to know him? If so, it's entirely the wrong attitude. So, yes, if you feel as though you're "giving in" that sounds more like you're giving up and couldn't be bothered with taking the time required to actually get to know someone well enough to even know if you'd actually like to have sex with them. On the other hand, if you want to have sex because you actually want to have sex and it's soon, so be it - it's not the end of the world but if this is what you consistently do and find the guys keep leaving you or losing interest, change the direction and be in charge of what you want without giving in. That's too close to sounding like selling yourself for an ulterior motive (a relationship) and it sounds hard up. I'm not calling you that but that's how it could possibly be perceived by those particular men you are letting yourself be involved with. With some women, that tactic is very transparent to some men and it's like a blip on their radar. | |
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| I swear....and every man I know agrees....
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:06:07 PM | The other thing to think about is....
Everyone on here has given the OP a different view... and yet most of if not all of us are on here and looking. If there was one right way to go about things there would be no need for dating sites, forums, and Ann Landers. We'd all have the Love Handbook and live in a Utopian society.
Whether you sleep with a guy on the first date or the 150th... a jerk is a jerk. You can play by all the rules... have a formal courtship... have a storybook wedding.....live a fairy tale..... and it's still no guarantee of happily ever after.
I have no idea how to put this lightly...but here goes....
If it's players you're trying to eliminate, this "make him wait" strategy will never work. A player will be out fooling around with every other piece of tail WHILE waiting for you to "give it up". For every game, test, and pitfall a woman has devised to weed out the good from the bad... the bad has a counter.
Sure you'll catch some of them, but you'll also weed out some good guys who either feel like you're not attracted to them "in that way" or guys who feel that playing games and using sex as leverage is not the best way to enter into a long term relationship. | |
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| I swear....and every man I know agrees....
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:08:36 PM | I'm surprised at how many women still haven't figured this out. If you give it up too quickly, and he starts to lose interest, then that's all he was looking for.
For a man to truly value you, have to WAIT on the sex. And I mean wait. Not a few days, not a few weeks, more like a few months. At least. Otherwise, you just become sex, and nothing else to them. (yes, I know, not all of them, but many of them) I speak from personal experience. Sex too soon, sabotages things. If they aren't willing to wait, then that's all they were after anyway, and they just weren't that into you after all.
WAIT on the sex. | |
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| I swear....and every man I know agrees....
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:11:49 PM | | the "make him wait" is not a strategy. its called common sense and yes if its players your trying to get rid of then it will work because he most likely wont stick around a couple months to wait to have sex. sex isnt something that a woman is obligated to give a man at any point if she doesnt want to. no you will never be able to tell if your relationship will last or not last no matter how long you wait but i can guarantee you, you will not have as many men coming in and out of your bed and never hearing from them again...its called respecting yourself and your emotions. save it for someone who deserves it. | |
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| I swear....and every man I know agrees....
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:13:58 PM |
putting out by the 3rd date is ridiculous....could this be why everyone is "your ex". if i went out with you knowing that there was some time clock that i had to sleep with you by, we wouldnt go out to begin with...you might as well find a tramp off the street Excuse me? There are thousands of women and men who wait until they're convinced that someone has fallen in love with them before having sex only to have it fall apart anyway.. Why do you think the term Serial Monogamy was coined. Some people have even been tri-married or in many l/t relationships who did wait.. does that make them more virtuous just because they waited???? Does that guarntee that the relationship will last forever???
Why do so many people equate having sex early as having the same meaning as screwing indiscrimantly with everyone you happen to meet. Not all people that don't wait for this ridiculous 90 day rule (or whatever) screw everyone who comes on to them. Obviously non-promiscuous people are discrimate in their choices the time-limit has nothing to do with whether someone is a "tramp" or not. | |
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| I swear....and every man I know agrees....
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:16:36 PM | ...fails to understand this logic.
So...you fcuk a guy you don't care about...but if you really like the guy...you play games.
I think that's the gist of it, yeah...
the "make him wait" is not a strategy.
That's bull..
Every woman I have ever been in a relationship with? Sex in 3 dates or less.
Honestly, I don't know how many "dates" it took in my LTR relationships. But I do know that when there was the right chemistry, things progressed very naturally towards being intimate, and there was no hesitation. They were as into me, as I was into them.
Have I ever had a "one night stand"?
I've never had a one night stand, actually.
At age 43, I am too old for "play nice and you can have the cookie" games...I expect SEX to be part of my adult non platonic relationships....period.
I'm totally with you on the concept of the whole " you can have my cookie" part.
I don't script anything when I meet someone new. Everyone is different. But you can get a feel for those who are reticent about intimacy, and being sexual.
And I've "held out" enough times for those to feel comfortable and secure enough to become sexual. Let's just say, I didn't mesh well with them, intimately or sexually..
As much as the "cookie givers" say they can sense "us", we can sense "them".
Simply best to move on to someone who you are on the same wavelength with, and have mutually strong desire for. | |
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| I swear....and every man I know agrees....
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:21:34 PM | But at this age, she should know the difference between her lusting after a guy and having true feelings. True feelings you find out everything you possibly can about the person you are seeing, lusting I don't see that happening. You are hopping into bed without knowing his mom's name, his dad's name, if he has been tested, how long it has been since he was in a relationship, etc.
Someone else said it, we all have been there and done that. We aren't perfect, just throwing our experiences and thoughts out. I don't see anyone calling her a tramp or anyone else, but to learn by it. Black and white doesn't necessarily sound how the writer intends it to. | |
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| I swear....and every man I know agrees....
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:27:22 PM | putting out by the 3rd date is ridiculous....could this be why everyone is "your ex". if i went out with you knowing that there was some time clock that i had to sleep with you by, we wouldnt go out to begin with...you might as well find a tramp off the street.
THAT IS WHAT I SAID....i wasnt calling her a "tramp". i was referring to the guy who said he expects his dates to put out by the 3rd date! If you think its ok for a guy to expect u to screw him by the 3rd date and you do it so he wont leave you then yes you are crazy....and yes i would feel u would be a tramp if you didnt have enough respect for yourself to sleep with someone who obviously doesnt have feelings for you. | |
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| I swear....and every man I know agrees....
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:42:47 PM | I hate calling my "sisters" sluts and such. We have enough enemies without slinging rocks at each other. For whatever reason, a woman decides to have sex with someone, STFW! That is their choice. As a woman, you know the mental repercussions that come with sex with a guy you barely know ("does he really like me, will he ever see me, again, does he think I am a whore, blah blah blah). Funny how no 1 ever wonders if the guy maybe thinking (shit, am I going to get Herpes, was I any good, will she want to see me again, blah blah blah). Having sex the first time you go out with someone most of the time is going to lead to nothing, or a case of THE CLAP. Sometimes though, it does lead to something more, but that's an unusual occurrence, and you have to work hard on it.  | |
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| Why does contact fade?
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:48:37 PM | Sadly some men are just after sex.
The poor woman falls in love with someone who doesnt love them.
Its a very common story.
From the mans side, he has probably been in a bad relationship and a expensive nasty divorce and doesnt really want to go back there. | |
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| Why does contact fade?
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:54:22 PM | I think in the end it'll all boil down to "natural selection".
Men who want a woman who holds out will end up with girls who do so.
And men and women who let the chips fall where they may will end up together. | |
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| I swear....and every man I know agrees....
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:57:27 PM |
If you think its ok for a guy to expect u to screw him by the 3rd date and you do it so he wont leave you then yes you are crazy....and yes i would feel u would be a tramp if you didnt have enough respect for yourself to sleep with someone who obviously doesnt have feelings for you. well obviously she wanted to and she felt the same attraction so she did. Anyone who puts out just because the guy says date 3 or I'm outta here is an idiot.. and not necessarily a promiscuous idiot either. | |
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