| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/11/2009 10:56:51 AM | Woman,
Whew! As I have mentioned repeatedly til I'm blue in the face, I am always honest about what I am looking for. I have NEVER kept that info a secret. If I wanna fu** I let it be known, trust me. Where are you women coming up with this insane notion that I lie and "pretend" to be friends? Never happened.
Interesting that the battle lines get drawn here, male versus female, pretty clearly. The women try to find fault, the men generally defend, having been in these situations.
Stunning. | |
|
| |
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/11/2009 11:09:31 AM |
Actually, she wanted the house for her mother!
Then that is clearly wanting a provider first and (what's your name again?) guy second, if that's the case. I don't think that "Friends" = girls who string guys along or want a sugar daddy at all. It's a more open river of different types who choose that. However, I agree, you will probably find those types in the "Friends" category more often than not. Or something like Long Term with a "Friends First" clause in the beginning. But again, I'll say never assume they're that way because of that. They could easily be someone who's putting focus on getting to know someone first ("Friends First" + Long Term or Dating). | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/11/2009 11:24:52 AM | I've long seen the "love equatiion" as:
(sexual desire/sexual fulfillment) + (deep friendship/caring) = love.
friendship without sex = "just friends"
sex without caring = "just sex"
We all prioritize those differently. There are those who are focused only on sex, and would be content with "just sex". There are also those, who just want companionship and someone to do stuff with, and would be content with "just friends"
Then there are those, who are looking for a "complete" relationship, with both caring and sex, but who emphasize one before the other. For me, deep caring comes through the process of emotional bonding that lovers share. The women I've slept with since my divorce, all went on to be dating relationships of some length from 8 months to 4 years. On the other hand, while I've tried the "friends first" a time or two, that has never led to a complete relationship.
So, for me, I know that I'm incompatible with the "friends first" dating style, even when it is a woman, who envisions a full relationship "somewhere over the rainbow". If it's not passionate, fairly early on, I'll end up not wanting her as anything other than a friend, and that is not what I want in a relationship. | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/11/2009 11:38:03 AM | any PERSON that say friends ONLY means what they are saying. take it at face value. Be a friend. Everybody could use more friends in life. don't try to force what is not there.  | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/11/2009 12:33:05 PM | Atone,
I was NEVER told "friends only." You very skillfully avoid the issue of the "teaser friend." This is how women try to make the guy the bad guy.
In neither case did the women say 'friends only" and in fact in both cases CLAIMED to be looking for more. Both said that they were open to more, or I wouldn't have tried.
I might be a dumbass, but I'm not a TOTAL dumbass.
This is getting really tedious.
Every woman has a half baked criticism, makes up stuff I said or did, calls me a whiner, pretends that I faked it to try to get into the ladies' pants......where would I find the time for that kind of sh**? I already have a full time job.
It's ludicrous.
Women sure stick together!
Look, let's be honest here folks....dudes don't pull this kind of crap, at least not as much as women do. Now, the haters will come out in full force. But it's true. Dudes don't generally tell women that they're looking for "friends." Dudes are more upfront about it, and generally leave little doubt about what they're looking for, and bring a dozen roses to clarify. This is clearly a girl thing, and it's often misunderstood. That's all I'm sayin'.
Again, this has only happened to me a couple of times in three decades, so it isn't one of the burning issues of the 21st century. However, the women's reactions here really fascinate me, because they defend their gender no matter what. Also, the fact that I'm an older dude looking for a somewhat younger woman makes me an immediate lightning rod for all sorts of angry projections.
I'm not trying to crucify womankind here, but you have to admit that there is some truth to my observations. | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/11/2009 1:05:03 PM | Woman,
Whew! As I have mentioned repeatedly til I'm blue in the face, I am always honest about what I am looking for. I have NEVER kept that info a secret. If I wanna fu** I let it be known, trust me. Where are you women coming up with this insane notion that I lie and "pretend" to be friends? Never happened.
Interesting that the battle lines get drawn here, male versus female, pretty clearly. The women try to find fault, the men generally defend, having been in these situations.
Stunning.
The "you" in my post was collective. If I was talking to you, I would have addressed you...either with a quote or by saying "OP" before saying what I had to say. My point was to all the men who do this. I already read your post stating you don't - so I didn't direct my post to you (though you sure reacted strongly to it). | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/11/2009 1:38:10 PM | Ringo,
Dudes don't generally tell women that they're looking for "friends."
Well, I think they do somewhat, and 99% of the time it's either:
(a) Friends meaning I'm mildly attracted to you, so no-commitment, let's conveniently see each other, but not really date
(b) Friends meaning I'm not at all attracted to you really, but your circle of friends are really hot
With that said, guys don't tend to string girls along for attention, where a noticeable segment of women are willing to do that. Guys will use "friends" as lack of commitment (so will girls), or truly be real friends to get a foot in the door with attractive ones (so may girls too tho).
I think the women will pick apart your issues with some angst when you're not putting up any positives about women while criticizing and at the same time saying you like younger women. Liking younger women gets the same reaction from women 30+ yrs old, as shorter guys who hear women say they want tall guys. It's angst, which is why putting out some positives that you do like about women who -are- out there (for diplomacy) would probably prevent the "Band of Sisters" criticizing ya! ;) | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/12/2009 9:22:02 AM |
In the two cases(in what, 30 years of dating?) where I got the friend lecture, both times I was absolutely clear to the ladies involved regarding what I was looking for.
Yeah, but you didnt get a clear answer back. You got the 'maybe if we hang out, something will grow' response back. That is the point where I would back right off and and wish them good luck. I dont live in wishy washy land. It is clear...a yes or no to proceed romantically. Maybe's are not good enough. If someone is really interested in me and I him, there is no maybe. We proceed as romantic interests and get to know one another with that in mind. No tea parties, dinners and hanging out to 'see' if an attraction will build. It is either there at the onset, or not.
Never accept less than that. | |
|
| |
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/12/2009 12:06:11 PM | I continue to agree with Brown Eyed Woman's concept. As a human being, identify with what you can and can't deal with, and own it. If you only want things to become romantic and you're not getting a clear indication that they are, move on. Duh!
What'd y'all do, chase off the OP? He's left the building. | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/12/2009 12:12:27 PM | If a man has looking for "friends" in his profile, I wouldn't necessarily overlook him because of that alone. It would depend on the rest of his profile, any email correspondence I may have had, etc. to come to a decision of wanting to meet or not.
Maybe men say this as a way to appear not so much a horn dog.
And women maybe say this so as not appear too easy.
I've come to the conclusion I can't really tell jack until I meet them in person anyway. | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/13/2009 11:18:55 AM |
If a man has looking for "friends" in his profile, I wouldn't necessarily overlook him because of that alone. It would depend on the rest of his profile, any email correspondence I may have had, etc. to come to a decision of wanting to meet or not.
Maybe men say this as a way to appear not so much a horn dog.
Whatever someone puts down as the "Looking for"....will get misinterpreted or criticized. It reminds me of the Bob Dylan song "Rainy Day Women"..."they'll stone you when you're riding in your car......etc. " I woul not feel so all alone, everybody must get stoned.
It's when it's in the body of the profile, that it's worrisome. If a woman is saying "friends first"....that usually translates for me as someone who either has a low libido, or who wants to control the relationship with the granting or withholding of sexuality. | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/13/2009 2:56:42 PM |
If a man has looking for "friends" in his profile, I wouldn't necessarily overlook him because of that alone. It would depend on the rest of his profile, any email correspondence I may have had, etc. to come to a decision of wanting to meet or not.
Right on!!!  
I do my best to explain it in my profile. | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/13/2009 3:19:58 PM |
If a woman is saying "friends first"....that usually translates for me as someone who either has a low libido, or who wants to control the relationship with the granting or withholding of sexuality.
RenMan, you probably have your take on this based on your fear of a non-sexual relationship. But if you were to just take it at face value, friends first is sort of sweet.... and they may be trying to balance out the "looking for Long Term Relationship" so as not to appear too desperate or needy.
Again, you know NOTHING until you meet. If you happen to set the lady's spark, chances are that whole "friends first" thing is a distant memory to her asking you to come to her place for a nightcap  | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/13/2009 6:31:21 PM |
from janet4everMaybe men say this as a way to appear not so much a horn dog.
And women maybe say this so as not appear too easy.
I've come to the conclusion I can't really tell jack until I meet them in person anyway.
Well, imo your right, as it is was with alot of the teenages mentality, to get to score with the hotties or girls in general.
And the 4-f principal,find em,feel em fu*k em,and forget em, if they scored, or if they did not,the girls got the bad rap as if she did'nt give in, and she was called a pri*k teaser.
And to think is it still alive and well today with folks over 25,35,45,55, 65, on the fora!
and imo,I always love, when the bs's.............bs the bs's!
I need a shovel cuz it's getting pretty deep in here!  | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/13/2009 10:47:04 PM | Was reading this thread and i don't really want to derail it but I had a question that would maybe seem ok here. A lot of people talking about "friends" and all. If not then ignore it.
Have any of you had someone you were not attracted to from the very beginning become attractive to you after you had spent more time with them? I ended up becoming attracted to a woman that i had met in class that i would talk to and hang out with every once and awhile that ended up becoming attractive to me the more I got to know her. This was about three years ago and nothing came of it but I was just curious about the rest of you participating in this thread. It seems people in here are all or nothing within the first few minutes around a person and friendship can never grow into something more.
I might have miss read or missed something in the last 4 pages though.
Also, just curious but how lightly do you use the word friend? I mean if you meet someone and hangout with them a few times do you really mean it when you say you just want to be friends? I mean I must be odd, scratch that I know i'm odd, but the people I call friends are the men and women that I know would take a bullet for me. Everyone else is just an acquaintance. | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/13/2009 11:38:10 PM | actually... those hotties that have "befriended" you ARE looking for romance, love and sex... just not from you. They could be... but somewhere along the way, your actions arent making them feel attraction for you.
stop blaming them (attraction isnt something that is controlled or decided) and look a bit closer at yourself. You are obviously communicating that you are needy, too clingy or too wussy... although you might not be, its a very common malady a lot of guys suffer when in the presence of a woman he finds attractive.
the starting out as friends first thing is a bunch of horse shit... very rarely do these male-female "platonic" friendships ever erupt in full on romance. You might, in a drunken moment, share something physical or get a "pity f**K", but that's it.
Attraction either sparks or it doesnt. It is very, very difficult to ever ever get out of the "friends" category and turn it around... it can happen, but very seldom.
my suggestion:
dont waste your time... move on... however, work on yourself in ways THAT ARE GOOD FOR YOU... make a vow to stop making decisions and doing things with the hopes that you are impressing others (i.e. hot women you want to go to bed with)... time for you to take stock in yourself, be confident, relax and learn that it should be THEIR job to chase you... not the other way around.... trust me, things will change dramatically. | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/14/2009 12:44:59 AM |
I find it very hard to believe that they don't realize when one of their "friends" is madly in love or infatuated with them. Shows how good of a friend she is doesn't it? Even if a woman does know that her friend is attracted to her does that mean she is obligated to date him. If he is a true friend he would be able to accept being "just friends". I have had male friends who start out wanting to date me and have now come to value our "friendship only". I always like to start out as friends first and a lot of the time I find that I would rather be friends than in a romantic relationship with a guy but it is nothing done on purpose. I think it is really messed up when you get to know someone and decide that you only want to be friends and then they want nothing to do with you. | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/14/2009 5:39:21 AM |
Have any of you had someone you were not attracted to from the very beginning become attractive to you after you had spent more time with them? I ended up becoming attracted to a woman that i had met in class that i would talk to and hang out with every once and awhile that ended up becoming attractive to me the more I got to know her. This was about three years ago and nothing came of it but I was just curious about the rest of you participating in this thread. It seems people in here are all or nothing within the first few minutes around a person and friendship can never grow into something more.
With me, it's either there from the beginning or not. It seems that men more than women will develop an attraction over time. I'm sure some men don't and some women do - but the majority seems to be women know in 8 minutes, and men end up attracted to women they weren't even paying attention to over time.
Also, just curious but how lightly do you use the word friend? I mean if you meet someone and hangout with them a few times do you really mean it when you say you just want to be friends? I mean I must be odd, scratch that I know i'm odd, but the people I call friends are the men and women that I know would take a bullet for me. Everyone else is just an acquaintance.
Right. Friend is pretty much means aquaintance unless you continue to hang out and can become good friends platonically. | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/15/2009 4:17:07 PM |
With me, it's either there from the beginning or not. It seems that men more than women will develop an attraction over time. I'm sure some men don't and some women do - but the majority seems to be women know in 8 minutes, and men end up attracted to women they weren't even paying attention to over time. With me, there might be an attraction in the very beginning but that does not mean I want to date them and I also know that physical attraction doesn't keep a relationship going very long. I need to be friends first before I know if I want to be with someone. Of course, it is not the same as my girlfriends but there are different kind of friendships. It is not taking advantage of anyone or anything because until I know we are out of the friend category I insist on paying my own way with everything we do so that I do not lead anyone on. When getting to know someone there might be some things about the person that you are not sure you want to deal with but given time you may learn that their positive qualities outweigh negatives. There are also people who you are not physically attracted to but if they are someone you come to love and accept you can become physically attracted to them. My ex is an example of this and we were together 6 years. My sister was also dating a man whom she wanted to stick in the friend category at first but what did she end up doing...she married him. So yeah I think you will find a difference in opinions on this subject but I think it also depends on what you are looking for in a relationship. | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/15/2009 10:09:43 PM |
"Friends first and always fun!" (Translation...let's have you spend lots of money entertaining me while I sleep with somebody else.)
don't spend money on them.
if you two were friends wouldn't it be dutch? perhaps i'm reading your thread incorrectly?
when i hang out with my guy friends i don't spend money on them unless it's the occasional round of shots and those are reciprocated. And when i hang out with my girl friends i don't spend money on them unless it's the occasional round of shots and those are reciprocated as well. | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/15/2009 10:46:31 PM | OP, I hear you complaining that you've been misunderstood, but your original post sounds bitter to me. I have been in the "friends" configuration many times and currently have several women "friends". If you don't want to be friends with them, or feel you're being slighted (or cuckolded) in some way, don't go for it - it's not for you. Here's a test - if you don't feel comfortable holding a friend's purse, don't go for this.
I've shared apartments with "friends", beds, hot-tubs, bathtubs AND it doesn't have to be sexual at all... in fact it's very exciting when it ISN'T sexual. There's a special bond that is available to you with these "friends" - a closeness that you won't find with your partner - no really.
We say we want our partner to be our best friend, but in reality, that never seems to work. A "friend" to talk to is a very good thing for guys to have. And let's face it... other guys aren't interested in our problems and if they are we start looking at them funny anyway - so it has to be a woman IF we actually want someone to talk to about stuff. Women make good friends.  | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/16/2009 7:09:45 AM |
With me, there might be an attraction in the very beginning but that does not mean I want to date them and I also know that physical attraction doesn't keep a relationship going very long. I need to be friends first before I know if I want to be with someone.
Naturally.
There are also people who you are not physically attracted to but if they are someone you come to love and accept you can become physically attracted to them. My ex is an example of this and we were together 6 years. My sister was also dating a man whom she wanted to stick in the friend category at first but what did she end up doing...she married him. So yeah I think you will find a difference in opinions on this subject but I think it also depends on what you are looking for in a relationship.
I agree that some women CAN do this - my point was many women can't. If it's not there initially, it never will be. I only WISH I could become physically attracted to men who are good for me over time if I am not at first. That'd be awfully convenient. Unfortunately, that's not the case. | |
|
| I think I have the friends thing figured out.
Posted: 7/16/2009 9:55:35 AM |
If it's not there initially, it never will be. I only WISH I could become physically attracted to men who are good for me over time if I am not at first. That'd be awfully convenient. Unfortunately, that's not the case. Yeah after the feelings were gone, I slowly remembered how un-attracted I was to him from the start anyway lol. On the upside, we are still friends. | |
|
Home
login 
