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| 8 years old, surely there is something that can be done
Posted: 7/3/2009 2:41:46 PM | I'm glad you guys understand the situation and or can relate because you are or have been in my shoes. I have often thought to just be very brutally truthful with the mom, but I KNOW it will affect our friendship and possibly end it.
I can't bare the thought of being the next person to just walk out of their lives with no explaination as to why, so trying to take my heart out of it is difficult, cause to me, that's really all that keeps me around her. I 'm not fooling myself into thinking that a month will change everything. I know it won't. And I do know it's going to take ALOT of effort from the parents.
Thank you all for all the advice, the thoughts, and suggestions. I think I need to have a meeting of the minds and really think this out. Because I know sooner or later I have to have "the talk" with her.
And package deal... the trailer point you made... I have asked myself that and my hubby and I have talked about it. It seems that enjoyment superceeds the actual needs. She feels she shows the kids love by what she has bought, done or sacrificed for them. When I tell her I think her daughter is looking for attention and amybe just needs to feel like the special one from time to time, she answers with a... "Trust me I spend alot of alone time with her, I take her to this activity, that activity, I joined such and such organization to be with her..." I really don't think she gets it, because her mom was cold towards her when she was growing up. She didn't know how to break the cycle, so she has continued it.
Times like this I wish I was a psychologist, or that I had the power to just shake some sense into her. | |
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| 8 years old, surely there is something that can be done
Posted: 7/3/2009 4:48:51 PM | | ^^^^^ One possible way to get to her would be to successfully have her daughter with you for a month or two with no episode of bad behavior or lying. Afterward, you can tell her that her daughter is fine with you and not with her, hence she might realize that the problem lies within the parenting rather than the parented...? | |
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| 8 years old, surely there is something that can be done
Posted: 7/3/2009 5:46:34 PM | http://www.emofree.com/Articles2/inner-child-eft.htm
If you can get the mom to look at EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique and start to tap on her stuff, the whole family can make progress.
One of the advantages about EFT is that you actually zoom in on the negative stuff, so that part is easy for most of us.
I also want to say how wonderful it is you are being there for the family. It's hard to break cycles like this, and it's also incredibly empowering and wonderful when we do. In the end it is up to each of us to choose which way we want to go, all we can do is try our best and respect each others choices. | |
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| 8 years old, surely there is something that can be done
Posted: 7/3/2009 8:08:53 PM | When I said keep your heart out of it I didn't mean not to care or walk away. I don't know if this makes any sense but I had to figure out with certain friends how to be there for them without getting emotionally sucked into the drama; similarly before we were able to get custody of my stepson years ago, I had to do his with him or drive myself insane because 150 miles away, my ability to help with school, etc. was very limited. I think the key is remembering that you have no control.
If you take her for the month, spend some time really talking to her, she will start to figure out that she can seek out from other adults what she doesn't get at home. I found people to mother me over the years, made a huge difference and is probably why I AM so connected to my kids. Sometimes I wish they would stop talking to me, at least for a day, lol.
Keep planting the seeds with mom, she could get her head out of her butt but I have encountered parents like this, have a few in my family, that think providing material things and spending time physically together even if the activity and real communication level is non-existent, IS being a good parent. She doesn't think she is doing anything that needs improving so until she sees the cause and effect, which she likely never will, she won't change.
You do what you can to make a connection with the girl, walk the tightrope of being a resource and not an escape hatch from the problems. You can show her at least occasionally that there is a different way to live and to relate to people. From there, the girl has to figure out which lessons she will keep; those that give her tools to live more positively or those of dysfunction. What you do can make a difference but only to a degree. Remember that and you can care without it being the gut wrenching type of thing. | |
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| 8 years old, surely there is something that can be done
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:29:31 AM | Before thinking about your friend, think about yourself and your family. The girl already has shown that she has no qualms about lying and stealing and that she has no remorse. Do you really want to expose your husband and yourself to a false abuse accusation? In the current it's-for-the-children weather, you will have your careers and lives ruined, your children taken away, perhaps jail, never mind if you're innocent.
In your attempt of helping your friend, you may destroy your own family. Is it worth the risk? | |
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| 8 years old, surely there is something that can be done
Posted: 7/4/2009 4:24:43 AM | Rock Hunter...
I have considered those options...
My first decision was to not allow the child to be here alone with my husband. I can't run the risk of her making up some twisted lie that might land him in hot water.
He is awesome with kids. I have had my niece stay with us a week, and my godson stay with us a week in his care. My family (including my kids) want to help this child. My kids actually told their dad and I that if my friends kids stayed with us they might learn what a "normal family" is like.
I know there is some risk... however, I am pretty confident that the change of pace, the love, attention and affection she will be surrounded with, will not give her any reason to make up any lies that may put us at any risk.
For as many issues as my friend may have with the children she has, we do have a track record of 22 years together. She knows how I am and trusts me with her children, there is no doubt in my mind about that. | |
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| 8 years old, surely there is something that can be done
Posted: 7/4/2009 3:42:30 PM | | OP, while I applaud you for wanting to help so much that you are considering taking this girl for the summer, I have to admit I don't think there is much you can do for this child. Her problems are already too severe, and they will not stop when she is with you. She needs professional help. See my previous post on this thread. | |
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| 8 years old, surely there is something that can be done
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:19:56 PM | Hi,
While I commend your offer of taking your friend's daughter for a month, it may only be a reprieve. I have worked as a Teacher's Assistant for a few years and this sounds to me more like a psychological issue. your friend's child may need to be assessed for a possible diagnosis from a child psychologist.
With a family history of Autism, this young girl may be suffering from another syndrome on the Autistic Spectrum. Girls and boys may display different symptoms of the same disorder. I am in no way qualified to give a diagnosis, but I do know that children will only display inappropriate behaviour around those that they trust implicitly. So while you may take your friends child for the month, you may not see any of the behaviour she displays at home or school. Or the opposite may happen as well, My only concern for you is that giving your friend some support, you could strain your friendship to the breaking point and her child will still need some help.
I would encourage your friend to have her child assessed by a child psychologist and follow the suggestions of the mental health specialists. At 8 years old, they may not know "why?" they do anything or not know how to tell. Also, they know if they tell you "why?" then they may get in more trouble. Ultimately, they need to find a way to impact this young girl in a positive manner that will teach her to listen to her conscience before she acts on her impulses.
As a single mother of a very active and challenging 7 year old, I can only say that consistency and positive reinforcement are the only ways. It will take time, there are no quick fixes, rules and consequences need to be the same for all in the home, but the severity of the consequences need to be age appropriate and immediate. | |
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