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| Why do men assume all women are like thier ex?
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:08:12 AM | Why do men assume all women are like their ex?
Well first of all, not all men do, but those that do, do it for the same reason some women do...
Unresolved issues from the past relationships. These people have not dealt with what happened in a healthy way. Perhaps they haven't looked at how their own behaviour/choices played a role in what happened. Perhaps they are holding onto resentments...who knows really...
I have met some men like this and I just take the high road...away from them as quickly as possible. I am me, nobody else and I am unique as is every other person on the planet. I will not willingly pay a price that another woman should be paying.... | |
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| Why do men assume all women are like thier ex?
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:16:39 AM | I think a lot of times we tend to judge things by past experiences and that it's both genders who do that. Hurtful things especially are difficult to believe can be significantly different with someone new even though given the chance they can. Each and every person is unique and significant for themselves so giving them the benefit of the doubt and trusting that this new situation will work will give it a much better survival rate than automatically deeming it disaster based on past relationships. In fact the only way it can work is to treat it differently. The most important thing though is communication about prior hurt feelings so you know where the actions are stemming from. That way you can work through them.
Do you end the relationship or do you try to work through it? That depends on the person you're dealing with. What are their positives vs negatives? Are they worth the hard work it takes to resolve past hurts they're holding on to? Are they the type of person who will communicate with you to get to the root of the problem to resolve it so that neither party is holding things inside that can fester later on down the road? Do they lock doors or keep them open? Are they able to hear and do they try to understand the reason something is bothering you? Do you do the same?Are they capable of compromise?? Those are all important issues.
Personally I try as hard as I can to love, trust, hope, respect and have faith that the any relationship I'm in will survive and excell. Regardless of how they treat me back especially in the beginning, my goal is to show them the way it SHOULD be in a healthy loving relationship. Once I do that all I can hope for is that they see someone different in ME who way surpasses who they had before. That way they should eventually be able to let go of past resentments with an understanding that this relationship can be different if not held back by their past fears that it or I will turn out like their previous partner who hurt them.
Can they really move forward and put the past where it belongs? I believe so but not unless they really want to. One would hope they'd come to see and realize that the new relationship is different from the past ones and that the new person involved treats them differently/better than their prior partners did. Therefore that should hopefully make them willing to work at whatever it takes to make the new one a happy healthy relationship that lasts a lifetime. Of course that means they have to change by treating you differently/openly and not as if they're still with a prior partner who hurt them and they may not even realize they're doing that. IF you do your part to really show them that you possess the qualities needed to build a good solid loving relationship and they can't see it, and if they can't TRUST you that things won't be the same as in their past, and if they can't have faith that this love is something so different and rare, than they'll probably never see it in anyone else either. Talk things out, love from the heart, have compassion for the past, hope for the best.....and that's all any of us can do to give it the best shot.
FAITH, HOPE, and LOVE...............and the greatest of these is LOVE | |
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| Why do men assume all women are like thier ex?
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:17:03 AM | It does go both ways.
When I read a woman's description of the man she looking for on her profile,I can almost see her ex's face.
As a man,I have no problem dating a woman that is almost the complete opposite of the was I was with formerly.As long as she could put up w/ and I with her.
Women,it seems,are looking for a similar person to make different mistakes with,IMHO | |
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| Why do men assume all women are like thier ex?
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:25:52 AM | They don't..or they wouldn't be on a date with you.
When did "all Men" stopped getting married..I don't see a bunch of guys stuck in suspened animation,,just void.
No the men I have dated off of POF..only talked about the x to explain a certain siutation that we were discussing. It wasn't from heartache, despair,,stuck to her FOREVER>>>>>>bullsh##.
I have an x..part of my past..sometimes it comes up in the conversation,,not because I am stuck there..
Maybe your 3rd date won't discuss their x.
x files..couldn't agree with you more!!! Glad to hear you again...
Lbiker | |
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| Why do men assume all women are like thier ex?
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:35:42 AM | We don't assume you are like the ex, but when the new person tries to pull one, that the ex had pulled in the past, we use that experience to tell you don't go there or I'll pull the plug.
For instance, my ex used to handle the finances. Pay bills that sort of thing. What happened was that she let the credit cards to go out of hand. At one point I bought about 8 grant worth of computer equipment capable of doing video. I handed to her about 10 grant to pay for it. She hid it a card and used the money elsewhere. I know, I know. My fault. Out of that, I decided to never ever let a woman, or really anybody else, control my finances. That also includes keeping taps on how I use my money. So move forward to my current relationship. I don't have or will have a joint account. If she needs money, I'd give it to her, but she manages her own money and I manage mine. | |
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| Why do men assume all women are like thier ex?
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:47:00 AM | Some people deal with their issues and are able to move on; others find this hard and stay stuck by living in the past and blaming others...
This isn't a gender issue, it's part of human nature. | |
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| Why do men assume all women are like thier ex?
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:01:41 AM | In my Nice Guy days, I always told the naysayers, "But SHE is DIFFERENT" Well, she was never different. Every woman operates the way females do.
What tends to attract one woman is often attractive to the many. Yes, you ladies all have different tastes and interests, but you are all female, so it is best to look at the female within you.
ALL women want guys that are confident, humerous, tall (taller than them at least), ambitious, etc. etc. etc.
You could say something similiar about guys, that all guys want a girl that looks good in a bikini, is not psycho, doesn't have unrealistic expectations, etc. etc. I would applaud a woman dealt with what the 'many' guys are interested in.
For us, dearest Iqqi, it is a numbers game. We do not have the option of looking at you ladies individually at first. At the beginning, we must TREAT YOU ALL THE SAME. Because if we start changing our behavior for each individual, we end up back where we started, "But SHE is DIFFERENT!"
I do admit that I find it very hard to find women with an individuality. You must admit, that most women cannot stand to be alone. Many jump from boyfriend to boyfriend like a monkey through the vines, never letting go of one until she has a firm grip on another.
Many women, when alone, cease to exist. That is one very big difference between men and women, is men don't mind being alone. Tell a man you live alone, and they think its cool, you do whatever you want. Tell a woman you live alone and they think it is awful, that you must be an outcast of society or something.
-Pook | |
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| Why do men assume all women are like thier ex?
Posted: 7/3/2009 2:44:32 PM | This is something that goes both ways. IDK how many women on just these forums compare all men to there ex's and visa versa. It's very unfortunate that we must compare a entire gender based on a few bad apples(or even good apples) going both ways.
In a way your doing the same saying all men assume all women are like their ex's. You didn't put that in your title but your post assumes that. Even tough you put "two men on this site" you pretty much assume they all do. So your doing the same thing. Sorry to break that to you.
Best of luck to everyone  | |
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| Why do men assume all women are like thier ex?
Posted: 7/3/2009 8:06:54 PM | Its a stage if there are kids involve muti issues,some people have good or mature divorces. If you have a good exs you would nt understand this is something you would have to experiance.They never get rid of this if it was to bad, this site is full of married women, men too.Some men have to pay into there retirement constant mounthy reminder some end up broke, some never see there kids again or very little,or the Exs is on there doorstep everyday. Not so simple | |
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| Why do men assume all women are like thier ex?
Posted: 7/4/2009 3:25:46 PM | Gender aside we are all looking for an answer to the question. What stuff do I need to work on?
To this end we surround ourselves with the answers yet most of the time we refuse to see them.
One of the most powerful ways to learn is through relationships with each other, especially our closest relationships. Our partners best reflect where we are in our lives and how we really feel about ourselves. We generally only make small changes as we go along and therefore make only small changes in the partners we pick. This leads to the pattern posed in the OP’s question.
It’s only when we are in tune to this that we become able to make big changes in ourselves and pick better partners that do not so closely resemble the last partner. | |
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| Why do men assume all women are like thier ex?
Posted: 7/4/2009 5:09:31 PM | [Why do men assume all women are like their ex?]
I'm not going to win any points with the women on this, but here goes...
Men are wired so differently than women. It shouldn't have to be said, but sometimes the obvious needs to be stated. Most of the time, women do not appreciate the differences men bring to the table. I, for one, do.
Women can be brutal. They can become controlling, dismissive, and they can emasculate. I've not only seen it in action, but have witnessed the destruction in its wake. Furthermore, women tend to enjoy confrontation...men, not so much. If men and women could just embrace the fact that we are very different from each other and appreciate those differences, relationships would be so much sweeter...easier. Men think differently, act differently, have very different worries than women. Women...you don't need complete power and equality in a relationship. Giving a man final say once in a while is very sexy, and understanding that it might not be in his nature to call everyday (or whatever the pet peeve is) gives you bonus points for "getting" that. Men...many of us would like you to enter a new relationship with your past damage neatly compartmentalized where it belongs: dealt with, learned from, and buried. Constantly bringing up an ex is a huge no-no. Be optimistic and use fresh ears and eyes with your new girl!
This all comes from years of experience; witnessing couples (counseling setting) not taking the time to understand the basic differences in the sexes, lack of real communication, and not learning to speak each others love language.
Think about it. | |
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| Why do men assume all women are like thier ex?
Posted: 7/4/2009 6:14:56 PM | I think younger men can be particularly closed minded about women and how they behave. Because of their experiences? With mothers and gf's perhaps? Men these days do not have very good examples of what a "good" woman is.
It's my opinion we shouldn't blame the men.
We should be blaming the women.
If women made women behave in a more acceptable and better manner?
Then men wouldn't be treated so badly.
I also feel that this is just as true for men. If men held other men accountable for being dogs and losers? Then women wouldn't be abused and mistreated so often.
But men encourage other men to be "bad" boys, to act up and cheat when they have a good woman at home. They tease a man for being whipped or on a leash. etc.,
These behaviors have made being a good woman or being a good man - unlikely and challenging to find. | |
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| Why do men assume all women are like thier ex?
Posted: 7/4/2009 6:33:41 PM | Boy, you got those kind of guys, bright2morrows? Sorry to hear. Those guys do not represent all of us...or we would never attempt to have any relations with any woman. It's the same premise regarding women who think men want a woman just like our mothers. In some cases, yes, and others, no.
Personally speaking, differences in women constitute differences in future children, and/or family structures. It's up to me to figure out who best suits my desires, and vice versa. Now, if some would-be studs turn out to be duds because they're jilted, there's nothing you can do about that.
Granted when you began a new relationship you share your past relationship with your new partner, but is it really nessary to hold the new woman in your life responable for what your ex has done?
I'm puzzled by how you worded this question, typos aside. You don't share your past relationships with new partners. You can apply lessons learned from your past, but don't apply failures. Look to attach yourself to someone who can help you grow, not wilt.
By the way, women do this, too...and at a far more alarming rate.
Danz | |
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| Why do men assume all women are like thier ex?
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:49:01 AM | It seems to me you have made the same error yourself. You date two men, so all men must be the same way? Hey....call it a coincidence.
No one should blame all men (or all women) for what their ex did or did not do. There is very little that all men (or all women) have in common, especially when it comes to personality, behavior, or values. Expect something different with every person you meet.....because it will be different. All women are not the same and neither are all men the same. Everybody should already know that by now. | |
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