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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/3/2009 3:30:36 PM |
I don't think you have to be under the same roof to be committed of course but with the right person, I think that's what a lot of people want. With the right person you can live together or even be married and still have enough space for some autonomy.
Next time I live with someone though I'd honestly prefer my own bedroom and for him to have his.
Like some other suggestions in this thread, it sounds fine in theory, but I imagine that it's a suggestion that would not be well received by most woman, if a man were to suggest it. | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/3/2009 4:48:33 PM | I agree with Janet that it's not a sign of being needy to indicate that you're looking for marriage up front.
I'm finding there are two aspects that seem to have considerable impact on people entertaining the the thought of remarriage: the rise and acceptance of the fwb relationship, and the degree of cynicism which a prospective mate may harbor. In all likelihood, this is more a factor of the age group that I find myself in---many have had at least one kick at the can some a few more; sometimes with grisly results.
That said, it therefore in my opinion, makes no sense whatsoever to me to not state intentions in this regard so that everyone is clear from the start. From reading this thread, there are some determined folks that have become very acclimatized to their single state, and it would seem from what some have stated this would be unlikely to change with any partner--they're now entrenched.
Given what I'm looking for...a person like that would never work with me. I need someone who's still got a bit optimism toward having a long-term committed relationship with marriage as a possibility. Articulating this would then seem to be very important so that neither wastes the others' time. | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/3/2009 5:24:02 PM | I think only way living together can ruin the relationship if move in together after dating for less then a year and barely know each other and if doing it for the right reasons or not.
If you take the time to get to know each other and don't rush in to the move in together step, then should be alright.
Also, I think it's a good idea to live together before getting married... Cause if can't live together, can't handle seeing each other everyday and found out habits that don't like and he/she won't change... at least found out before spending all that money on a wedding and honey moon.. When married you will be living together, seeing each other everyday and what not.. pretty stupid to be married and live in to different places. | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/3/2009 5:43:24 PM | Wow! If every man is not checking out Sweetest's profile right now, I'd be seriously wondering... what's wrong with you?
An intelligent woman, absolutely beautiful and looking for a long-term relationship as well.
Heck, if I could find her in a "male form", I'd never look again. | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/3/2009 6:14:58 PM | pretty stupid to be married and live in to different places.
This reminds me of a funny story- a friends grandparents lived in rural Canada (New Brunswick) on a large farm. They raised their kids ( my friends parents) then after ward decided they didn't like living in the same house. Grandpa built a shack and moved in- one he could pull around the property on a sled and put it wherever he wanted. They stayed married and ate meals together as well.
It's crazy but - just when you think you heard everything- a innovative and unconventional solution. For those that remember- didn't Lucy and Rickie sleep in separate beds?
Could this be the "new" living style for the middle aged single? I remember being a kid- we had to share bedrooms- now a days every kid has to have his own- some with there own TV, computer and cellphone. Maybe we a turning into an isolationist society- emailing, texting, phone from our own domicile with limited contact with others.
Sounds kind of sad really - I hope a meet someone who stays old fashioned like me before this becomes the new norm.
Maybe LinL44 was right- time to shack up before the whole world goes to hell! | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/3/2009 8:37:44 PM |
pretty stupid to be married and live in to different places.
That thought seems awfully rigid to me. There was a thread, sometime back, about being married, but living in different places. There were some good stories about people who, for one reason or another, were forced to live apart during the week, and only had weekends. Many cited examples of good, functioning marriages. It's not the "ideal", perhaps, but sometimes career circumstances can force people to adapt to changing circumstances.
When you think about it, how much time do most people, with demanding jobs, actually have to share with a partner? I have, on a good night, 3 hours to call my own, and some nights less than that. It's emotionally healthy to have some time to decompress, and most of us have to eat dinner. So, is it really valid to say that those 2 hours a day are so critical, that one can't have a good relationship, when you have quality time from Friday night through Monday morning? | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/4/2009 3:29:28 PM | OP
You leave me thinking your just really busy with your career. Even at my age, when things got really busy with work- long hours ,stress and focusing on problems after work- a few things cropped up.
1. Being tired without realizing your a bit off and slowly burning down.
2. Not wanting to have to deal with relationship problems leading to your partner feeling like you don't spend enough time on her (like you did before) and therefore don't care.
3. Some loss of libido and desire to pursue.
Do you see a time when this state of working will level off? This high motivation to work on something new and exciting is great but it can take its toll if it goes on too long.
First easy idea- make sure your getting enough sleep. Go to bed even when you don't feel tired. Shut off the alarm on the weekends. You may find that all of a sudden you feel more rested and able to deal with more extra curricular activities (relationships, sex).
Also sometimes its hard to get a woman to understand when your motivations turns to something else. If they are the type that are really demanding of your attention they can grow to resent this. If you can explain that the heavy work is a temporary phase and you will have more time later maybe they'll be more understanding and willing to wait. Or just don't have a relationship until the job is more settled. It's hard to start a new relationship with all the energy, attention and time it requires to get established when you have a lot of other things on your plate.
Men also tend to get very focused when they have a challenge in front of them, to the exclusion of all else sometimes. Women have trouble understanding this sometimes. Rather than let you get through it, they see it as you have a problem with them. If they'd just let you work through it, you come out of the cave satisfied with your success and be more available to them.
Again- just another phase of life. | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/4/2009 4:49:46 PM | Just for me, living together is not adivsable.
It just forces a lot of weird situations that agrivate, and take a lot of the fun out of a relationship.
It is much more pleasant to know you are choosing to spend time together.
Having to leave your own house to get away from them when you want to, or wishing they would leave when you need some time to yourself is just awful. | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/5/2009 4:38:11 PM |
sweetest--ll I was saying to you was that you choose backazzwards, IMO. You choose the body without even the face or personality being the most important. It is like choosing a car for the outside glitz which is in a reality a lemon. If you are choosing women for their body only, you are choosing sex over a relationship. It doesn't make any sense at all if you are really looking for love.
I think that's something that can be communicated very early on by saying something like, "if I were to meet the right woman, and we took the time to make sure the relationship is going to last, it would be great to marry again someday"...before you start to get involved.
Once it becomes one of those dreaded "relationship discussions", women tend to take it personally, and wonder "what's wrong with the relationship?"...and those endless "relationship discussions" tend to ruin the relationship.
So, yes, by all means state goals in the beginning, but then leave it alone until it's really time to consider marriage. For me, that's somewhere past the 1 year mark..closer to 2, before you can have some sense of certainty that you're ready to make that leap. | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/5/2009 4:49:02 PM | I like the idea of living together. I tried to convince my 18 year old daughter to do that instead of getting married. By living together, you have the "feeling" of being married without the legal and expensive complications if it doesn't work out.
I guess that may be considered a negative attitude, but it can also be construed as a protective view. I want to be as sure as I can get before I get married again. People can put up a front here and there. But if you live with them for at least two years, I don't think anyone can put up a front that long. | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/5/2009 5:15:23 PM | | I'm not sure I'll ever want to live with a man again after my last relationship. I've been lucky. With 1 very glaring exception (early in life), I've gone out with men who are basically good (if human, as we all are). But , the last relationship I had was very close, lasted for 5 years and very committed. We did not live together. It was the best relationship I have ever had by far & I've had pretty good ones. There was great balance between together time and personal space. The sex was amazing until the end, and even after, lol. Sorry that was probably tmi. But seriously, I broke up with him a year ago and it was for the right reasons and great for both of us...time to move on, especially for him embarking on a new journey in his life. But, it made me realize exactly what you said and I probably won't ever settle for less again =) You just have to both be on board with it. Obviously this won't work for everyone. | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/5/2009 5:31:01 PM | re: post #159..
Has anybody else gone to quote another poster, and ended up pasting in something from another thread? Oops....so this is to modify post #159, WITH the relevant part of post #152 from sweetest
That said, it therefore in my opinion, makes no sense whatsoever to me to not state intentions in this regard so that everyone is clear from the start. From reading this thread, there are some determined folks that have become very acclimatized to their single state, and it would seem from what some have stated this would be unlikely to change with any partner--they're now entrenched.
Given what I'm looking for...a person like that would never work with me. I need someone who's still got a bit optimism toward having a long-term committed relationship with marriage as a possibility. Articulating this would then seem to be very important so that neither wastes the others' time.
I think that's something that can be communicated very early on by saying something like, "if I were to meet the right woman, and we took the time to make sure the relationship is going to last, it would be great to marry again someday"...before you start to get involved.
Once it becomes one of those dreaded "relationship discussions", women tend to take it personally, and wonder "what's wrong with the relationship?"...and those endless "relationship discussions" tend to ruin the relationship.
So, yes, by all means state goals in the beginning, but then leave it alone until it's really time to consider marriage. For me, that's somewhere past the 1 year mark..closer to 2, before you can have some sense of certainty that you're ready to make that leap. | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/13/2009 12:49:08 PM | own room?
i want my own office and my own closet!
but i would like to sleep with them, unless they're sick and whining. then i'd just want to throw them a bone~ make them some soup, and let them sleep and sleep and sleep til they were all better. | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/13/2009 1:12:25 PM | When I have lived with someone, there was never a 24/7 aspect. Our work schedules took care of that, but it wasn't a real problem beyond the general and quite normal missing each other.
Why worry about what other people think of your relationship? If anyone is stupid enough to come to the conclusion that because you don't cohabitate with the guy you've been dating for a long time is just an FWB situation.. is it not obvious how limited their thinking is? | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/13/2009 3:27:52 PM |
Why worry about what other people think of your relationship? If anyone is stupid enough to come to the conclusion that because you don't cohabitate with the guy you've been dating for a long time is just an FWB situation.. is it not obvious how limited their thinking is?
I agree with the above. There seems to be some confusion and fuzziness about the terms FWB and BF/GF. An FWB can be as little as just as sex together and nothing else to having sex with a friend, do things together and be monogamous at that point in time. A boyfriend/girlfriend seems to start at monogamous, friendly relationship and to some implies is leading to marriage. I would think for FWB is more than just sex and a BF/BG is not a promise to marry - thats being engaged. FWB and GF/BF kind of overlap depending on the person.
I think individuals project their own wants into these terms a bit. The best thing is for those in the relationship define their own terms with statements rather than general labels. The only relationship well defined is married and that has been done for everyone by the legal community and church. As well, many marriages are not 24/7 with spouses travelling weeks at a time or working different shifts for work. But for different people at different times, the participants need to clarify where they stand- not others on the outside looking in. | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/13/2009 3:39:05 PM | I for one have no intentions of ever living with another man UNTIL I am at least engaged to him. I've done it before, and I did it too quickly. Next time I'm going to make sure I want to spend the rest of my life with someone and vise versa before I put myself into a situation where I am sharing assets such as a home (renting OR owning regardless).
That said, a lot of times guys think "she's already living with me so what's the point in marrying her?" and marriage is important to me, so I won't give that up until I've got a serious commitment. | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/13/2009 3:44:43 PM | | I agree with both of the above (El_Mariachi & truetemp1). For instance, there was some idiot on here that figured that he had it all figured out that because I don't live with the guy I've had a 4 1/2 year relationship with that I have all kinds of issues which must stem from a bad past relationship despite the fact that it was an amiacable split, and a personality that has an inaiblity to commit, despite having been told that my longest relationship was 35 years. I'm the one who's happy with my life and don't give a rat's azz what anyone else thinks, but it doesn't stop me from being amazed at the closed-mindedness of some who are constant pigeon-holers who figure what's right for them makes everyone else wrong. I like to refer to them as goober brained. | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/13/2009 6:29:31 PM | | Hell, whatever happened to not living together until you get married? I am not saying of course that this option is for everyone or even plausible for some people for whatever circumstances....but.... I don't think you need to be in any rush to move in with someone. I know so many people who move in together WAY too fast and it just ruins everything. I have taken Psychology courses that talk about how couples that cohabit prior to marriage have shorter marriages than couples who wait till they're married to move in together. | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/13/2009 8:37:56 PM | The two preceding threads from Chameleon and eternalsunshine88 are consistent with my POV, that living together, without marriage, is usually a bad idea.
Like Chameleon, I believe that people can have long term, committed, mutually satisfactory relationships, without living together. They may be "overnight visitors" on a somewhat regular basis, but they both know that there is a time to "go home" for a few days in between visits.. Such an arrangement doesn't invite in all the "living together" issues, that aren't relevant, when you aren't living together.
Like eternalsunshine88, I think that living together invites a lot of challenges and stresses, that, without the legal committment of marriage, will often undermine the relationship itself. All I know is that I have had one marriage, that lasted 20 years, and 3 "live withs" that averaged one year after we moved in together. | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/13/2009 10:33:35 PM | I think that living together invites a lot of challenges and stresses, that, without the legal committment of marriage, will often undermine the relationship itself. All I know is that I have had one marriage, that lasted 20 years, and 3 "live withs" that averaged one year after we moved in together.
Fair enough, I suppose, but that wouldn't apply to people like me who don't "do" marriage. I simply don't believe in it (for me, of course). Never have, and never will.
I had one "live in" relationship that lasted 25 years. It wasn't challenging or stressful in the slightest. | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/13/2009 10:52:33 PM | I think it really depends on the person you're with. Living with my late husband was pretty tough, mostly because he was extremely messy and I'm pretty tidy. It drove me crazy, and most of our conflicts stemmed from that disparity. (I know it seems ridiculous to some, but I actually get depressed if I have to live in an untidy space). He was also a really gregarious person and talked a lot. I like being around people, but I really need space too. He never needed space; he needed people, so there was never any silence when he was around. He was a wonderful person, just not a good one for me to live with. After his death, I swore I would never live with another man.
Fast-forward: it's 2 and 1/2 years later, and I'm living with my new boyfriend, in his TRUCK. That's right- the sleeper on a semi. We don't have a permanent home of any kind, since we've put all of our stuff into storage to save money while we look for a new place in which to settle down. We've been doing this for 4 and 1/2 months, and it's wonderful! He's neater than I am, and really organized, so together, we make the best use of the space. Dividing up chores and responsibilities is effortless. Even though we really are together 24/7, we still give each other some space. As I type this, he's snoring up a storm in the twin-sized bunk. It's nice to get a chance to spread out every now and then, although spooning is wonderful. We talk a lot, but silences can be long and comfortable as well. I feel about a hundred times more relaxed than I did living by myself.
So, it really does depend on the person. That's not to say you shouldn't be with someone you can't live with. If you enjoy each other in every other way, keeping separate residences seems like the sensible thing to do.
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/16/2009 6:27:57 AM | If what I've been reading in other threads is true, I can't imagine why anyone in Canada would cohabitate, unless they marry. Especially true in cases, where men are paying child support, or she has children still at home.
That wasn't the oritiginal thought process in the OP, but if the law up there is as draconian as it sounds, one would think it would bring "living together" to a screeching halt. | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/16/2009 6:39:04 AM | | It's done roughly the opposite RenMan... while it has reduced the number of marriages (a trend in place ever since no-fault divorce was introduced) it has reinforced marriage as a religious ceremony. And I imagine it has significantly reduced the number of people who know each other for two months and decide "let's live together". I believe that is one of the real issues in your thread... people jumping their relationships towards living together prematurely, before they know each other really well. | |
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| Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 8/16/2009 8:45:20 AM |
I believe that is one of the real issues in your thread... people jumping their relationships towards living together prematurely, before they know each other really well.
Yes, that is part of the original point. There seem to be many who make the "judgment" that if you aren't quickly moving to living together, that it's not a "committed" relationship and is, therefore, "friends with benefits".
While I, personally, couldn't care less what other people think, that does seem to permeate the thinking of many women, so by the time you've been seeing someone for 6 months, there is often an "expectation" that you "should" be making plans to live together.
In my experience, if you move in together that soon, you invite in a whole bunch of "issues" that have nothing to do with the quality of the relationship, per se, but that are about adjusting to someone else in day to day life. Inevitably, that brings some friction, or resentment, or feelings of being "smothered" and an ever growing yearning for some personal space.
In the ideal, marriage somewhere down the road is a fine goal, it takes a lot longer than 6 months, or even a year, to have that degree of certainty.
It would seem that, in Canada, living together is almost the same thing, legally, as marrying. So, perhaps, it would be more difficult for Canadians to "get it", that living together, for many, in the United States is still a common practice, and for some indicates a "stage" or progression in the dating process that indicates "committment". | |
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