| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:32:41 AM | | That wouldnt bother me. Heck I know abled bodied people who are way less active then someone in a wheelchair. | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:53:18 AM | | If I could figure out how it would work. It would depend. Like, how would it work?? I think that if a person is in a wheelchair, they should educate people and share their condition with others. I think we all need to be really honest with each other. | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 6:27:40 AM | Will someone please answer my and texaswheels question please?
"People won't date someone in a 'chair but if someone they are with ends up in a 'chair they wouldn't leave them? What's the flippin' difference?"
I noticed that no one has been willing to answer this question.... Please answer it for both of us | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 6:44:05 AM | I don't know. I have never had anyone approach me that was interested in dating me that was in a wheelchair. I can't say off the top of my head that I would find it off putting if the guy was wonderful.
"People won't date someone in a 'chair but if someone they are with ends up in a 'chair they wouldn't leave them? What's the flippin' difference?"
I noticed that no one has been willing to answer this question.... Please answer it for both of us
The difference is that the love shared between two people already exists. It has been built on commonalities, attraction and the various other things that are in place when people fall in love. If you love someone who finds out they have a condition that is going to mean they will be in a wheelchair, or they get into an accident and are in a wheelchair as a result then it doesn't mean you fall out of love with them. The commitment has been made and love makes it worth working through it together.
Which is completely different than meeting someone who is already in a wheelchair that you have no personal feelings for one way or the other. | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 6:46:50 AM | I'll try Mike, but this is just my opinion and my experience. Mind you I wouldn't rule out anyone in a wheelchair, love comes in all sorts of packages. I first said it would depend on how independent the man was. On further reflection, I guess it would just depend on the man, period.
But to answer your question. I've worked in the nursing field for 20 years. I know what it's like to be a caretaker for some confined to a wheelchair. I'm leary of emotionally and physically taking on the challange, knowing full on what I might be getting into. That's why I qualified my answer in my first response, that's why I said it would depend on how independent the man in the wheelchair is. If the man is capable of taking care of his own activities of daily living, then I have no problems whatsoever. If I were to have to take on that responsibility, I'd rather not, I'm just emotionally and physically burned out.
On the other hand, if I were already in a relationship with someone not wheelchair bound who suddenly became wheelchair bound, those ties that bind are already there. I wouldn't walk away from someone just because their physical needs may have changed.
I hope that helps give you some perspective of what some may be thinking and I hope I didn't sound too insensitive. I'm truly not. I guess I'm just a bit selfish about my own needs sometimes. | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 7:00:22 AM | | Honestly? If I was attracted to, and loved that person, then I wouldn’t have a problem with it if they were pretty independent and weren’t looking for just a full time carer. If they were looking for a relationship and ALL that goes with that, then the wheelchair wouldn’t be a barrier. I’d have to move though; I have 4 steep steps down to my house… | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 7:52:25 AM | | Thank you for the answers :) I'm glad there are a few people that didnt completely avoid this question :) | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 10:08:15 AM | | I would consider it. We could still do most of the things I like together, like watch TV, go to movies or museums, most travel, etc. And I'm not into things where it would be a big problem, like dancing or camping. Plus I broke my ankle earlier this year and was in a wheelchair for a while, so I feel like I have more of an empathy for the situation. | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 10:20:20 AM | | Ted, people in wheelchairs can dance. There are several wheelchair dance groups in the country. People in wheelchairs can do pretty much anything that an AB person can do. We just have to find creative ways of doing them. | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 10:31:41 AM |
I would not consider dating that is already wheelchair bound. Too many limits on things we could do together. I would not dump a long term relationship if they became disabled
OP -- That answer echoes my own as well.
Sometimes a disability, be it mental or physical, can be a serious impairment to the activities that we could enjoy together. Now don't get me wrong, I've seen some disabled people that have more guts and spirit than even I possess on any given day, and seem like they can rule the world...but sooner or later reality will set in, and I'll realize that it's all well and good but I'd get it in short bursts at most but hardly sustainable. Not only that, and I'll approach the subject...*some* of the infirm have logs (not just chips) on their shoulders that they hide from the world with a happy face and pleasant words...but eventually you'll see their log for what it is, and that's just unattractive.
As tacky as this may sound, I see it like merchandise. If you have 2 identical pieces of merchandise on display, and both look the same but one has a warning on it that it has this problem and that issue...chances are that we'll all of us take the one without the warning. The one that "works" right out of the box. Now if sometime down the road, that merchandise breaks a bit and maybe even in the same ways that the warning mentioned for the other one, chances are we'll still use it in it's impaired state rather than spending more good money on a new one. It still works, just not as good.
So if they were disabled after we were already in a long term relationship, I could safely say I'd want to stick around despite it all. Certain exclusions apply of course, like if she ended up a vegetable with no prognosis for recovery, I can't imagine she'd want me to pine away at her motionless side for the rest of our lives. But if she was disabled I'd like to think I'd still be there because now there's been some manner of deep emotional commitment involved. Perhaps even kids or some such.
But in all fairness, I'd be the one that would take the "working" merchandise off the shelf and hope for the best that it'll be working perpetually.
JMO. | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 10:33:01 AM | I would consider dating a man in a wheelchair although it would depend on the man. I've known people who were wheelchair bound who lived full and active lives. They had great attitudes and then I've met those who take pity on themselves and complain all of the time about their situation. I'd go for a great attitude any time!
The concern I would have though, is that I'm an active person. I sail or fly or go bicycling every weekend. I have a sports car. I would hope that the man I met would understand that although we would spend as much time together as possible, there might be times that I'd want to pursue my other interests.
Sure, I'd give it a go! There aren't many great guys out there that give me the time of day, so why would I pass up the chance to meet one because of a wheelchair? | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 10:33:44 AM | | It's a maybe for with some depends. If he can take care of himself, little or very little needed help from someone else then ya maybe... If i was already dating him and something happen where he is in a wheelchair permenantly then I would stay with him still. | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 10:56:07 AM | | I'm sitting here just flabergasted at some of the responses on here. What is the flippin' difference between someone who is already in a 'chair and someone you are in a relationship with who gets into a situation where they are put in a 'chair? There's no difference at all. And those who are commenting saying that they wouldn't have anything to do with someone in a 'chair because they wouldn't be able to do things? Give me a break! These people obviously have never been around someone in a 'chair and seem to think that we are completely helpless and are unable to do ANYTHING. I have my own car, I go to school, YES I have worked.......a person in a 'chair can do ANYTHING any AB person can do and in a lot of instances better than any AB person. We just need to be given the chance to prove it and not be pre-judged. When I got my first job I had to go through a physical abilities test to prove I was able to do the job. I outdid AB people in most of the tests. You people also need to put yourselves in the situation of people in 'chairs. What if you have an accident and are put in a 'chair? Do you want people to write you off thinking that you are completely helpless and not worthy of love? It's no wonder I have days where I want to find the tallest bridge I can find and jump off! | |
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rhodax
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Joined: 6/11/2009
Msg: 64 | |
| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 11:09:14 AM | TXWheels,
Part of the problem with us ABAs is that we have little exposure to persons with disabilities. Without personal knowledge we humans tend to make assumptions about other people and lump people into classes. Your typical human will think of you as a disabled person, not a person with a disability - the order of identification being important. They see the disability first and generally don't get to the person part.
These same people, given exposure to people with disabilities, will change their perception and swap the identifications around. Person first, disability second.
Its not nice or fair but it is reality. Its also not limited to person's with disabilities but rather the normal response to anyone that is different from the norm.
What I found is that persons with disabilities that shove their disability in people's faces will turn others away from them. I've seen this happen several times and I understand its a sort of defense - if the ABA doesn't run away then they may open up and let the person shine through rather than the disability.
Don't blame a disability for lack of social contacts. If you let the person shine through and relegate the disability to the status of an inconvenience then you'll find that us ABAs will not only enjoy your company we will go out of our way to make your company possible. From there you're on your own when it comes to romance. I'm single too so its not like I know the secret behind romantic success! | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 1:22:08 PM | " What if you have an accident and are put in a 'chair? Do you want people to write you off thinking that you are completely helpless and not worthy of love?"
Amen to that texaswheels. Good point... Lets hear some opinions on the statement above please | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 2:06:46 PM | I would absolutely consider dating a man in a wheel chair.I had a very close friend who was in a wheelchair..I took him everyplace I went(I was married at that time)
People in wheelchairs can be as mean or loving as the rest of us -personally, it depends on the person who is taking that seat.
I used to tell my friend in wheelchair that he wasn't any better that the rest of us 'cause he had wheels under him. | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 3:20:07 PM | If I had a disability which was equally as bad then yeah.
Does that make me shallow? | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 4:23:51 PM | | I quess I am blindfolded to some kind of degree since I do not focus on people's colors or disabilities-I am totally focused on the person-believe me or not but we all have dissabilities to a certain degree-some inside ,some out. | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 4:49:33 PM | "People won't date someone in a 'chair but if someone they are with ends up in a 'chair they wouldn't leave them? What's the flippin' difference?"
I noticed that no one has been willing to answer this question.... Please answer it for both of us
You would think that the answer to this would be so incredibly crystal clear that no one with a fully functioning brain would require an answer. Apparently many people seem to require an answer to this as they are either half brained or they just don't like what they already know the answer is.I believe most people already know what the answer is and just don't like the answer.
Because once you are already in a relationship with someone you are invested in them. You have built a life with them,depending on how long you have been with them. You are already in love with them. Your life is now theirs and theirs is now yours.They are not a stranger.There are no feelings there yet when someone is an unknown stranger .I would compare it to house hunting. Would any reasonable normal person buy a house that requires MAJOR renovations and may very well be unfixable? Or would they go for the house that already is in good shape no major problems a little paint and decorations can't fix. Most normal people would go for the second option as most of us do not have the skills nor the money to flip the run down fixer upper. | |
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rhodax
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Joined: 6/11/2009
Msg: 70 | |
| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 5:03:48 PM | As of today its no longer hypothetical for me. I was on a date with a lady that uses a wheelchair. Actually, I've been working on getting her to go out for about a week.
Other than me feeling a bit awkward because I didn't know how much help to give her getting in and out of the car her disability was a non-issue. Had a nice breakfast (she insisted on paying because its my birthday today) then went to a park for a stroll and some talking. Had some ice cream and watched the kids playing in the water park. She was great company and I'm thinkin' there might be something there.
I just have to plan a bit better for the next date. Accessibility isn't something I've ever had to think about. Good thing we've got some pretty comprehensive building codes in BC. | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 5:23:24 PM | A wheelchair is just a tool that helps them get around. What matters is the person's acceptance of his disability. I would date someone in a wheelchair, if there were sparks when we met - why not.
For those of you that say you won't date someone in a wheelchair - how about if you met someone that was blind or deaf? Would you still NOT date them because they have a disability?
Curious to see the answers.
Candles | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 5:33:45 PM | Mike and Texaswheels
I would risk to say, what they mean...is they already have a relationship and people get disabled for whatever reason...they already love them....regardless, they will continue the deal. Its like " for better and for worse" kind of thing.
Now to start off dating an already disabled person its too much burden for them, if they have options to date non wheelchair people...they prefer the latter. At least they are being honest. its worse to say you could and then once you are in the relationship just quit because you cant handle.
The person is in wheelchair in both situations...the feelings are different, in 1st case already in love, in 2nd case...you don't even know them...
Like I stated previously....if I get genuine love I wouldn't think twice and date them. Only case I can't is when they are in wheelchair and they are totally disabled...like no hands, missing both legs...I'm too nervous and really would not be able to handle.
My dad got disabled at 38. I was not able to go to his room for too long before start crying. I thought this was too bad for him to see and I limited my visits, I regret it, but I was just to heartbroken and was too weak to avoid the tears...hope you understand. | |
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rhodax
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Joined: 6/11/2009
Msg: 73 | |
| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 5:40:40 PM | Candles said it well. You've got to accept your disability.
The lady I went on a date with Wowed me because she was outgoing, friendly, kind, made me laugh, is pretty (to me anyway), and had incredible eyes. She didn't throw her disability in my face or even kept it in her pocket as a second line of defense.
I should also say that I had a couple other women I could have asked for a date which I'm pretty sure would have accepted and that I think are awesome but I just didn't feel drawn to them in the same way.
Its up to you to attract people. If you don't do it then it won't happen. | |
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Icon3
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Joined: 6/16/2009
Msg: 74 | |
| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 6:08:41 PM | | I dont think I could...but its only because I am very active...I like to hike, climb montains, travel, play sports...most of which are things we couldnt enjoy doing together as a couple... | |
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| Would you ever consider?
Posted: 7/5/2009 7:39:23 PM |
I'm sitting here just flabergasted at some of the responses on here. What is the flippin' difference between someone who is already in a 'chair and someone you are in a relationship with who gets into a situation where they are put in a 'chair? There's no difference at all. And those who are commenting saying that they wouldn't have anything to do with someone in a 'chair because they wouldn't be able to do things? Give me a break! These people obviously have never been around someone in a 'chair and seem to think that we are completely helpless and are unable to do ANYTHING. I have my own car, I go to school, YES I have worked.......a person in a 'chair can do ANYTHING any AB person can do and in a lot of instances better than any AB person. We just need to be given the chance to prove it and not be pre-judged. When I got my first job I had to go through a physical abilities test to prove I was able to do the job. I outdid AB people in most of the tests. You people also need to put yourselves in the situation of people in 'chairs. What if you have an accident and are put in a 'chair? Do you want people to write you off thinking that you are completely helpless and not worthy of love? It's no wonder I have days where I want to find the tallest bridge I can find and jump off!
Wheels~...don't you see where this is going? Every time someone tries to explain their perception, you reject it immediately. But beyond that, take a look at your posting history...your profile. The reason you can't meet someone is not your wheelchair, it's your attittude...every pic you have is frowning...you speak negative in every post...I mean c'mon...tell me honestly, read your stuff...if that was a woman posting, would you be all over getting to know her?
We're not going to lie to you...disabled people make AB people uncomfortable...we don't know all the particulars of what happened in their life, but we do know that society has provided them the opportunity to accomodate for their disability...but you have to make the move that communicates attraction...fun...someone the AB person would like to get to know. And while we're on the subject...are you interested in girls that are in wheelchairs? Or perhaps not nearly as smart as you? Or with a far less than great physique?
We're not telling you that you are wrong...we're telling you how we feel.
The funny thing is...I read the OPie's chronicle as well as yours...you are both individuals...unique, but from his posts and profile, it's obvious he is much more positive about what good things can still happen in his life. The funny thing is, Wheels~, you eliminate opportunities for happiness before they can even find you...I noticed you're 42...and you have a filter for females 18-45...so in addition to pissing of the women that you would be interested (at age 42) in 18 y.o.'s...well, a lot of women are going to let out a big "ewwwwww"...you're better off to just say "Under 45"...which I'm curious why you have any filters at all...but then I realized...you are looking for a reason to complain.
And then this came along
I quess I am blindfolded to some kind of degree since I do not focus on people's colors or disabilities-I am totally focused on the person-believe me or not but we all have dissabilities to a certain degree-some inside ,some out.
Can we just stop tossing out the bullcrap cookies...the color, the disabilities...they are part of "the person"...let's not pretend that we didn't see or mentally process this factoid. Now, if you choose to date an alcoholic and ignore the alcoholism, its still there...guess what...that chair or color or anger issue or whatever doesn't go away just because you opt not to address it.
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