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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 1:17:36 PM | OK - how to put this nicely - there isn't a way. You weren't in a relationship. He was unavailable emotionally to you. He got physical gratification and that is why he is unavailable for anyhting else with you. Get someone who is truly available next time.
I don't mean to sound callous, because what he did was wrong, but you have to watch out for your own feelings and take it slower next time. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 1:25:12 PM |
He has moved into a rented place with a years lease, they have no children, he left her but she is very very upset about it. No one cheated as far as i know. Keep thinking if i can just hold on, he will want me and divorce her. Am still confused I'm sorry that you are hurting from having been played by a man who is still going through emotional upheaval, regarding the woman to whom he is still married... It would be much easier for him to return and try to work with his wife, than it would be to go ahead get divorced, to be with you.
If divorcing her was easy for him, he wouldn't be separated (still married), and dating you. Like others have said, this one is fairly easy to avoid... Stay away from married folks, of be willing/ready for this kind of pain. MC | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 1:35:16 PM | | When I separated and going through my divorce I to dated a man that was separated but he didn't get divorced as soon as I did so I broke off the relationship. Earlier this year he contacted me and he is finally divorced but we are only friends, still haven't been on a date, and I am not waiting around for him to ask me out either. I really doubt we will ever date but will remain friends. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 1:36:29 PM | The problem with women who enter into relationships with men who are already in relationships is they do this kind of denial dance where they don't think things all the way through.
For instance, OP, you said:
He has moved into a rented place with a years lease, they have no children, he left her but she is very very upset about it. No one cheated as far as i know. Keep thinking if i can just hold on, he will want me and divorce her. Am still confused
I suppose you believe he's being honest with you right?
He says something and you take him at his word?
But you must know, don't you, that he's being dishonest with his wife -- that he hasn't told her the truth about you, or about you at all?
Now if you admit this, then logically you have to ask yourself if he's telling you the whole truth?
I know -- a question like that sends you into panic because of the implications.
If he's been lying to me, then what has he been lying about?
Has he been lying about EVERYTHING?
Has he been lying about how he feels about me?
See, it's too scary.
So most women go back to the irrational, illogical, I believe this man who is a liar.
Or they convince themselves that he is not a liar - he just lies TO HER and he won't lie to ME because I'M SPECIAL.
Magical thinking, not based on anything real but honey, I understand.
It's very easy to text and screw someone twice a month -- it's a little fantasy side relationship that a man who is dishonest can play with while holding onto to his very real marriage. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 1:48:01 PM | My divorce was relatively quick and it took about 4 months since we filed for separation. I started dating a man during this stage. Our relationship didn't work out over the course of few months. However, it has nothing to do with me being emotionally unavailible, not ready or having a rebound boy. Unfortunately, he didn't have a purpose in life, had a lot of debts and things of that nature. I didn't feel to tell my ex husband about my new perspective dates and didn't epress any interest in how he was handling his personal life.
I am glad I dated that guy. I would be missing on so much If I had to wait for the divorce first, then take few years break and etc. I am glad I went back on track right away. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 1:51:14 PM | A very excellent example of why no one should date people who are separated.
To aleve your confusion and issues within your life - don't date married people. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 2:43:53 PM | And yet another reason not to date a married man.
You did know, didn't you?
Puuulease.
I would love to say I feel sorry for you.
You are an adult and should know better, unless he lied. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 2:52:35 PM | For the benefit of arguement - Let's just say the marriage is over.
Honey - he still needs time to heal. Jumping right into a relationship with you is still a bad idea. Even if his marriage is over, he has emotional baggage that will move in before he does.
You're relationship will be one sided at best and in the end - as soon as you have nutured his ego and put him back together - he will move on. Unless you are willing to go into a relationship with this man knowing that it won't last and that you are only here to 'fix' him for someone else to enjoy later. Then, you might want to think about finding a man who is emotionally stable and can give you the love you deserve. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 2:54:06 PM | Perhaps his wife has suggested they get back together and this has thrown him ?
This is could especially be true if they have kids.
It does seem a shame to break up a family unless absolutely necasary. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 2:56:32 PM | My take on this...you're going to waste a lot of time, effort and emotion on this guy for no reason. He clearly is is not ready for a relationship with you. He probably does care for you, but sounds like he still cares about his ex-wife.
I've been in a sitution close to yours, and I spent a year of my life really pouring my heart and emotion into it. In the end, he didn't end up with the ex-wife or me. I was the rebound, and he moved on to someone else. It's been a few years now, and it doesn't bother me except that I wasted a year of my life on this.
Leave him alone, ignore him and move on with your life. That's the only way to deal with this. More than likely, you're going to end up really hurt. Sorry, but that's just the way it is. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/6/2009 3:19:22 PM | OP, fact is, as everyone here has pointed out...you're seeing a married man.
THAT I know you "get".
Here's something you could consider doing,
since you seem hellbent that you even have a relationship.
Tell him when he's finally divorced to call you and perhaps
you can pick up where you left off when he was still married.
See what he says.
You say you see him about twice monthly and that's over nine
months? Not much, is it? And two hours isn't THAT far, so...
So, according to my calculations, at the most, you see him 4 days
out of 30/31 days per month? And that's if we're talking 2 weekends
**shakes head** Texting does not a relationship make.
Darlin', every day you sit ALONE, waiting on him to get a divorce,
is time you will never get back. And don't expect him to retract his
head outta his ass and be all good to go the day the divorce is final
(whenever that will be could be a while) because his head is still gonna
be covered in sh!t for a time.
Good luck. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/7/2009 9:10:31 PM | | time to get rid of him... | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/7/2009 11:05:05 PM | msg1.
Well don't be confused. He obviously is OP. Why are you allowing yourself to be?
He needs to be clear, decisive, and final in his decision to persue a new romantic relationship or patch things up with his old romantic whatever.
If clarity is what you may be seeking, this man is muddling about romantically. There are other options for romantic choices. Why waste your time, being unfulfilled?
More importantly: Why entertain that type of person? Especially when you need commitment. Obviously your fancy, OP, can't commit to you, can't clarify his thinking, and can't be decisive and live with those decisions. Both in decisively seperating himself from his "bad situation" and clearly choosing a new path.
In short a waste of time, untill he gets his head clear. Of note, its a waste of your time romantically in terms of commitment and fulfillment.
If those be your values, seek those out. If not, have fun. ;)
Good Luck!
9to9 | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/7/2009 11:28:40 PM | I tend to disagree with the whole stay away from separated people consensus - only because there are different degrees of separation. For example ... while I think this mans 9 months is not sufficient in terms of time to be away from such a deep commitment, but I think 2 years might be.
I mean there are people who are separated and will never be together again, nor do they wish to be, the divorce just hasnt been finalized because of whatever reason (maybe one is in singapore with a new lover, or one is wanting to keep the kids and the other is contesting, one couple I know never spoke to each other for three years but stayed married just so the kids could be on the husbands work benefits)
But I think if a man is telling you - point blank - that he is not able to think clearly with you in the picture for now - you should thank him for being honest and keep moving.
I must say I agree ONE HUNDRED PERCENT with AriesJade on page one of this thread. I am the type of woman who knows that while I am not the best woman on the planet I deserve to be treated well, without exception. I will NEVER wait for someone to DECIDE between myself and another woman - where there is any conflict in his mind whatsoever - that tells me immediately he isnt the man for me. His interest level in me isnt where I need it to be - and I would take care of that issue for him by removing myself from the equation.
My pride and self respect wouldnt allow me to do anything else.
I encourage you .. I beg you .. to read Aries Jade's response over and over again - heck print it out and tape it to the bathroom mirror and read it every morning!
Last, just because this man is conflicted right now it doesnt mean he doesnt want you - it means its not the right timing for you and him. If he wasnt under all the stuff he is under he probably would adore you ---- but thats an "if only..." in the real world he IS dealing with alot - which left no room for you, or anyone else for that matter. Leave him to it .. and carry on woman!
It could have been much worse, he could have played you like a fiddle and you still wouldnt know he is living at home and telling his wife who he was never leaving that the two days a month he sees you - he is out of town for work. Imagine how bad you would feel after a year of that mess to be told he is staying with his wife? Yes .. think about it ... and thank God for this blessing.
Good luck
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/7/2009 11:43:31 PM | | You validated him as a man sexually, his WIFE validates him as a man in all other aspects. You have the lesser validation points, sorry, JMO. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/8/2009 12:16:41 AM |
Keep thinking if i can just hold on, he will want me and divorce her. Am still confused
Twice a month???? Now he says he doesn't want to see you anymore?
I am sorry. He is not beating a path to your door.
It is as OutMind said in his post and usually separated men who are confused do find a nurturing and understand woman for the interim.
For your sake, please sit down and really be honest with yourself. Did he really show you that you were his one and only???
Good Luck.. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/8/2009 12:24:25 AM | Of course he wants you.............
When he's not busy wanting her!!!! | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/8/2009 7:42:06 AM | I agree with the seeing each other twice a month thing.....That's NOT a proper relationship unless he lives a few hundred miles from you.
MOST married or long term people will tell you that things are definately over with their ex and they will never return to their ex after they have cried on your shoulder. The thing is that they are not trying to convince YOU they are trying to convince THEMSELVES.....Your just an ear!
OMG, he has just text me and asked if i am ok. .....Your his Insurance and he's just making sure his policy hasn't expired.
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/8/2009 7:50:27 AM |
When a man tells you he has his head up his azz, believe him.
geesus .. we must have some dna.. connections.. sooo sooo true..... listen up gal
guys want what they can't have not what they can... get some distance between you and mister .. separated... distance makes the hate grow fonder.. and get a guy separated that will spend more time with you .. or tell him that .. say. you're hooked on phonics and now you are f'ckin the entire town of separated goons......
for the person that said " sorry she is in so much pain.. " she is bringing this affliction to herself okay.. as simple as using a ginsu thru either eye ball .... snap your snapper out of this billy beaver tale and go find another loser to start some other .. tripe with .. the site here is full of seamen waiting for a sub race.. with a sesame seed bun.. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:01:36 AM | | Divorced or separated men are nothing but trouble. Run from them. They are rejected by exwives for a reason. | |
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Dagaz!
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Joined: 5/11/2009
Msg: 71 | |
| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:17:20 AM | Aries Jade, msg 4, everything you said is very true and you gave excellent and wise advice. Way to go, girl. | |
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Dagaz!
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Joined: 5/11/2009
Msg: 72 | |
| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:18:35 AM | | To msg. 4, it is great advice for both men and women. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:41:08 AM | | He is still with his wife or had another date. If he wasn't with another woman he would of followed thru. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:02:45 AM | OK, when you hook up with a man during this stage of his life, how much he cares about you or anything else doesn't matter because his brains are like scrambled eggs. He clings to you because his world is falling apart and you provide a compassionate ear and the sex is something he isn't complaining about. When he actually physically separates or divorce proceedings are finally underway, he becomes overwhelmed and dives right back into whatever pain he thought he worked through, in many cases doesn't want the woman but doesn't want to face the failure of the marriage.
Should you manage to keep this man in your life, things won't get any better than they are today, ever. He will again get depressed, distant, etc. when the divorce is final, often not wanting to date anybody for a year. If you should survive that, he will come out the other side and whether it is associating you with all that pain or whatever, he won't want you anymore.
It doesn't matter whether he is really concerned for you or wants to make sure you don't talk to his wife, what kind of person are you, one with self-respect and who can recognize that you walked into this with open eyes and made choices and is not the type of person to try to make someone else miserable because that is what he did to you. He isn't the man you thought he was, simple, and you walk away without the same degree of hurt you are heaping upon yourself now.
Now, if that is how you want to live for the next year or more, keep wondering why. | |
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| Why, why, why
Posted: 7/8/2009 11:44:10 AM | I'm sorry for the way I'm about to respond to you...but I make it a point to tell it like it is...no sugar coating it...
You 'texted' each other...and saw each other TWICE a month... and you call THAT a relationship?
I just read your age in your profile...and didn't go any further... At first I thought you might have been a young and naive girl...but WOMAN....YOU ARE 40 YEARS OLD!!!
WHEN are you gonna learn your lesson?
DUMP him, DO NOT text him back...and go on fishing...Good luck!!!!  | |
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