| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/9/2009 7:15:16 PM | oh yeah, and one more thing.....it's gonna take a lot more than a DATE for me to get to know anyone well enough before my kids are introduced to them, I am not looking for a "daddy stand in" to go to Canada's Wonderland with....it's about me, not them, where someone I'm dating is concerned.
So relax guys, it's only a date................breathe, k? | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/10/2009 1:16:32 PM | Well it's not a lot easier for a guy with his kids on his own. I get the "you need a mom for your kids all the time" !
Double standard ??
You bet there is . . . the Ontario leagel system is bias towards women and from a judges mouth " Sexual discrimination is alive and well in Ontario family courts and sorry but there is no judge in Ontario that will force a woman to to pay her support. The poor woman lost her kids ! "
Try and swallow that on your own !
Block him . . . . send a copy to the admin . . . forget it . . . no wonder he's alone . . . besides . . you know your better than that anyway. | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/10/2009 3:49:52 PM | I totally understand what you are meaning...Some guys assume that just because you are a single mother, that you are not worthy of a comitted relationship-just sex.
Or yes, that they assume that you are not financially independant and are really just looking for someone to take care of the bills.
Or that just because you have decided to date, that he is going to be their new daddy.
Or they say that they are cool with you having kids but really aren't.
I'm sure that there are some women who are like that, but not all and those men are missing out on what could be the best part of their lives... | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/10/2009 4:49:42 PM |
Someone care to explain why? I am curious as to know what the thought process is behind someone 18-24 wanting a child without getting married first.
They don't have the mental fortitude to understand the ramifications of their actions, especially the teen mothers. | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/10/2009 7:46:22 PM |
umm I was married and the two children were a result of the marriage, I left him due to abuse
Ok... this is the part I don't understand...
There are so many women who claim they left a guy due to abuse, but they still had kids with him... if there was abuse, why have his kids???? I don't understand this... Doesn't anyone get to know the guy well enough to see signs or warnings...?
I just don't understand how this happens? | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/10/2009 9:15:56 PM |
Ok... this is the part I don't understand...
There are so many women who claim they left a guy due to abuse, but they still had kids with him... if there was abuse, why have his kids???? I don't understand this... Doesn't anyone get to know the guy well enough to see signs or warnings...?
I just don't understand how this happens?
I know of two women who were beat up by their fiance's.... and they still married them. Coincidentally, it kind of ties in with the last post I made in another thread.... if they are aware of the abuse prior to having children they most likely feel they aren't worthy of having a better partner.
It's a self esteem issue. | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/10/2009 11:34:01 PM | Ok... this is the part I don't understand...
There are so many women who claim they left a guy due to abuse, but they still had kids with him... if there was abuse, why have his kids???? I don't understand this... Doesn't anyone get to know the guy well enough to see signs or warnings...?
I just don't understand how this happens?
I know of two women who were beat up by their fiance's.... and they still married them. Coincidentally, it kind of ties in with the last post I made in another thread.... if they are aware of the abuse prior to having children they most likely feel they aren't worthy of having a better partner.
It's a self esteem issue.
No matter where you go, there are always the "closet Psychologists" ready to attach a name to something..
self esteem issues? Is this the only reason women/men get into relationships with abusers? I don't think so!
And the other poster with the attitude,.. funny coming from someone who says they are "attached" and are just here for the forums.... then why no picture? must be afraid of being recognized... If its all just for the forums there should be no need to hide..
My point is don't judge what you don't know!!!! | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/11/2009 7:38:46 AM |
No matter where you go, there are always the "closet Psychologists" ready to attach a name to something..
self esteem issues? Is this the only reason women/men get into relationships with abusers? I don't think so!
Well, I'm not a psychologist by any menas. However, when I discuss things with coworkers who deal with abused, battered and mistreated women, most every time it comes back to these women thinking there are plausible reasons for men to mistreat them in that manner.
Not being able to support their own drug/alcohol addiction is another reason for many to stay in such a relationship. Either way, low self esteem is a huge factor with this kind of behaviour.
As far as perception goes regarding single mothers, there are also misperceptions about those women who have never married and/or never had any children. But, as I said, they are misperceptions. Unfortunately, those who need to feel superior they will always place labels and generalisations on others - especially the opposite sex.
With that being said, I think the Ontario Family Court system has created a lot of problems regarding the perception of single mothers. | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/11/2009 8:22:31 AM |
self esteem issues? Is this the only reason women/men get into relationships with abusers? I don't think so!
Well, then if it's not issues with self-esteem that causes people to stay with someone abusing them, than what is it... they're just too stupid???? Hmmm
And the other poster with the attitude,.. funny coming from someone who says they are "attached" and are just here for the forums.... then why no picture? must be afraid of being recognized... If its all just for the forums there should be no need to hide..
Well, in my case, I don't have picture because I never came on here to pick up people... As for being recognized, these postings are not only on POF but you can Google them from anywhere else on the Internet...
That being said, I do discuss things about my relationship. I'm sure my G/F would prefer that I don't have my picture up and allow people that know us to know our business....and particularly HER business.
My point is don't judge what you don't know!!!!
Would this be coming from the same guy who was quoted as saying "And the other poster with the attitude,.. funny coming from someone who says they are "attached" and are just here for the forums.... then why no picture? must be afraid of being recognized... ". Was that not a judgment on your part....??????? | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/11/2009 3:18:15 PM |
Well, then if it's not issues with self-esteem that causes people to stay with someone abusing them, than what is it... they're just too stupid???? Hmmm
Hmmm... I have often asked myself the same question. WHY I chose the person I chose to have my child with. How was it possible on a sane and rational level that I got caught up in his lies and endured the emotional/mental and financial abuse I did? I am by no means from an abusive home, and I am educated. So tell me... how does a mature, educated, with no history of abuse individual end up with someone as such?
I think one needs to look at the abuser. They are very good at breaking a person down. Making them fearful, keeping them segregated from their friends, family and society (lest the truth come out.)
I don't know. Everyone has had a bad relationship at some point along the way or else we wouldn't be here. I don't believe it is fair to judge each and every person for what an outsider may deem a bad decision.
We are all here for a very short time.. why not enjoy this time.
Personally I strive to learn from the negative and grow from the positive. Yesterday is gone, today is happening right now and tomorrow, I can't wait to get up and begin! | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/11/2009 4:13:21 PM | I will admit, it was until the year 2001 that I realized from my own experience how huge of a stereotype people have against “single mothers” like in the screenplay “Alfie”. I’ve heard from both men and women that even though I seem to be great with children, that if there’s a breakup, it most likely will become all the more devastating to me. Even though I try my best to learn from my own experience… it’s seems also wise to learn the best I can from other people's experiences to avoid making the same mistake they did, but that too imposes a problem as we then become subconsciously prejudice in retrospect.
Story #??? (Sorry… I lost count, haha!)
> “Nick” meets “Jane” at a club.
> “Jane” let’s “Nick” know she has been very impressed with watching him dance all night.
> “Nick” is prompted to call sometime within the middle of the week
> “Nick” anxiously waits until Wednesday and they carry through quite a conversation
> 2 weeks later, “Jane” finally decides they should meet at a coffee spot nearby where she lives.
> “Jane” then tells “Nick” that she also has a daughter “Lily” by the age of 4 and that “Jane” feels very independent enough to still raise her properly
> “Nick” was soon quite convinced from what he had made fully aware to him
> To their surprise because they live very far from each other, both of them quickly find out that they have a really great friend in common, “Roger”
> “Roger” openly testifies that he tried to hook “Nick” up with his gorgeous sister, but “Nick” felt it would be rather odd like dating a family member.
> “Jane” laughs… “Well I guess there’s no need to worry that Nick would ever cheat on me then”
> While watching TV in the company of her friends… “Nick” gets to meet her daughter for the first time who immediately sits right beside him
> “Jane” and her friends become truly amazed to see “Lily” not shy at all with “Nick”
> “Nick” suddenly senses there’s something wrong, but isn’t at all certain of what it might be so he decides to bring his friend “Kevin” around.
> “Kevin” laughs at “Nick” because “Jane” seems to be absolutely beautiful in every way… that he is very lucky to be in a relationship with her and shouldn’t feel so insecure.
> “Nick” thought “Kevin was right
> 3 months later, “Jane” has chosen to break up with “Nick” ONLY because he never asked to have sex with her.
> “Nick” said he always wanted to have sex with her since the moment they met, but wanted to wait until he got to know her as a person first and then wait until she was obviously in the mood
> “Jane” said she gave him several hints such as letting him give her a full body massage in her bikini while completely alone at her house.
> “Nick” then tells her that he was afraid it was to see if she could fully trust him
> “Jane” laughs and assures him that if she didn’t fully trust him, he wouldn’t be there to give her a massage like that
> “Nick” then asked to be given another chance
> “Jane” then explains that she wanted somebody who has a bit more of a lust to have sex with her
> “Lily” calls “Nick” two weeks later to tell him she, herself, misses him and wanted to know if he could be there soon.
> “Nick” asked how she got his number, and “Lily” says it’s on the phone.
> “Nick” tells “Lily” that her mom no longer wants him there any longer
> “Lily” begins bawling out at “Jane” for “Nick” to show up again.
> “Jane” took the phone away from “Lily” and has apologized to both of them.
> “Nick” became far more heartbroken than ever
> “Jane” then tells “Nick” that he’s just too nice for his own good, but thinks it’s simply a matter of opinion.
In short, sometimes we have to seek the truth for ourselves. | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/11/2009 4:40:10 PM |
I am by no means from an abusive home, and I am educated. So tell me... how does a mature, educated, with no history of abuse individual end up with someone as such?
Don't fool yourself into thinking your education should have prevented it from happening..... you're wrong. You're not from an abusive home so the first thing I would surmise is that you were unaware and gullable and probably overlooking obvious signs.
I think one needs to look at the abuser. They are very good at breaking a person down. Making them fearful, keeping them segregated from their friends, family and society (lest the truth come out.)
To a small degree, I'll agree with you. However, he was trained by you that his behaviour was acceptable - it probably became progressively worse as time went on.... until the breaking point arose.
I don't believe it is fair to judge each and every person for what an outsider may deem a bad decision
It's not so much about judging a person. In my opinion, it's more about not wanting the 'residue' brought into the next/new relationship. I don't judge people for what they've done nearly as much as I prefer to stay away from their 'residue'. | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/12/2009 9:51:58 PM |
I don't judge people for what they've done nearly as much as I prefer to stay away from their 'residue'.
not quite sure I get this, as we are all covered in residue, that is unless one is a newborn..
Thia so called residue is what makes us who we are. Hopefully most of us have taken the good, the bad and the ugly and used it to create ourselves in a more positive light.
To say one prefers to "stay away from residue" is like saying they are too "clean" for anyone, other than one who is "pure".
We need to embrace what makes us who we are, not condem it. | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/12/2009 10:31:54 PM | Geez Dance, I apologize on behalf of my gender for that jerk. That's just completely and unquestionably uncalled for.
For me, I have nothing but the utmost respect for single mothers. Seeing it from several friends who have kids, it's hard enough to be a parent with TWO people taking care of a little bundle of energy. When that job is cut in half to one person, it's near heroic to see someone soldier on.
For me, though, I realize that a single mother may not be seeking a father for their kids, but that HAS to play a role in the equation of dating. Dating a single mother isn't just coming into the world of one woman, but it's into the world of her family. The ideal situation when it comes to dating is (at least for me) finding someone to eventually marry. Which means it's a package deal.
So, my integrity would automatically start to think of not only what kind of a boyfriend or potential husband I could be for this woman, but also (if not more importantly) what kind of a father I would be for this kid or kids. I'd want to spend time with that said package deal, but at the same time, I would be apprehensive.
That apprehension to date a single mother is this: suppose that we date for awhile and things go well. But then, for whatever reason, things just don't work out (as dating situations do sometimes). Then, it's not just one broken heart, but two or more, since there's that time spent with the kids, too. Depending on the age of the kid(s), they might not understand that 'ol Nick isn't going to be their dad, after all, setting up a disappointment and maybe leaving them more apprehensive for the next guy that their mother dates.
I'm probably overthinking this way too much and I certainly hope I'm not going to earn the ire of women and/or single mothers on here by ranting about this so much. | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/13/2009 3:36:02 PM | A poster here a bit back mentioned something about single gals not dating in front of their kids, yet the Daddy has a g/f that they have met? Same thing pretty much happened to me on the very first visit he had with the kids. He advised he wouldn't intro his new lady but within the first 15 mins, sure nuff, there she was. Ladies cannot control the actions of their ex's, but can however, do their best to provide a proper environment from their end for their children. As far as hooking up and having children with an abuser? Sometimes in the beginning, the abuse is difficult to determine. Sometimes after the children and more responsibilities are there, the abuse excalates. Please do not browbeat these ladies/men. You do not know know each individual circumstance. It is one helluva cycle to be involved in. Working together to provide a more informed platform of assistance to those suffering it, should be our ultimate goal, not berating them.
OT: OP, to be on a dating site my friend, you have to have the HUGEST grain of salt you can muster. Do not let the ignorance of some, spoil your dating experience with others. I wish you well. | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/13/2009 4:21:46 PM |
To say one prefers to "stay away from residue" is like saying they are too "clean" for anyone, other than one who is "pure"
My reference to residue is about treating the next person(s) and/or relationship poorly because the bitterness has not subsided. Too often many tend to bring the past into the present relationship. One of the tell tale signs I notice is when a woman seems to get irritated very eaily and very quickly at anyone in her path.
There is a time when most of us haven't let go of the past while jumping into another relationship - that is what I am referring to. I understand that venting and anger is part of the healing process and it's quite normal. However, is it wise to begin a relationship with someone in that state of mind? My answer is "No."
I'm not judging her nor, am I putting myself on a pedestal. I'm of the opinion that this kind of person, given the state of mind they are in, is not the kind of person I would attempt a long term relationship with.
We need to embrace what makes us who we are, not condem it.
Her (or his) residue is what makes them who they are. It doesn't necessarily mean it's good for others to embrace it. Toxic personalities arn't that embraceable..... regardless of gender.
With that being said, I think the vast majority of single mothers do a great job - I know many. They are doing a way better than I am as a single father.
In the OP's case, she had to deal with a douchebag and she feels insulted. I don't blame her for feeling that way. But, she needs to understand that douchebags don't speak for the majority. | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/13/2009 6:09:39 PM | In regards to abuse.......
What some have to realize is that the abuse is a slow methodical process that wears on a person mentally and physically - taking the person to a breaking point where they feel they have lost all control of their own life and hence they become dependant on the abuser. It often takes a major episode to shake things to their foundation to allow the abused person to find a way to escape the abuse!
The abusers may take years to show their true colours and do it in subtle ways so they don't attract attention from the outside world. They are usually very charismatic and by all appearances seem to be the perfect partner. They are good at their game and manipulate in so many ways that anyone could be fooled into their game!
Before the abused person is aware of what is happening - they are already in love and yup children may now be in the picture.
It's not about intelligence - ignorance - blah blah blah - it's about being the object of a ruse that turns very ugly!
If a woman has finally made the 'escape' from that kind of relationship she should be commended - because she has shown that she has tremendous strength and ability to rise above anything!! | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/13/2009 6:23:54 PM |
What some have to realize is that the abuse is a slow methodical process
That's a generalisation.
I see just as many women enter into a relationship that has "abuse" written all over it before it even started. I'm speaking about theose guys who are violent drunks; get angry at others easily; grunt, snort or snap at people who are easy going and sociable. The list can go on. The signs are there but these women choose to cjntinue on with the relationship. The time I cringe most is when he is a jealous and insecure s.o.b. and these women accept the associated behaviour with these kinda guys.
I'll agree that some do make it a long drawn out agenda. But, it would be interesting to learn how many of these a-holes acted that way when these women did have a choice.
Anyways, on topic:
The OP needs to appreciate the goodness in men as opposed to taking note of the a-holes. For some reason there are a ton of threads about jerks but very few threads by women saying they had a great ex-husband. Contrarily, many women say they were a great wife - indicating they are a great ex.
*sigh* | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/21/2009 3:07:26 PM | | im thinking this is not a man,he must be lie about that as well. truly without women the world would not continue.this what ever he /she /drag doesnt belong on pof kick to the curb. thats all, be happy however you get there. | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/23/2009 12:30:34 AM | Interesting that you would call what sent you that message a man.
When driving cab I met plenty of single moms. The overwhelming majority - not all - were personable, hard working, wonderful people who worked hard to provide the best for their children. A few were being stalked by exes. I told many of them that I admired their determination and their sheer, raw courage. I stand by that.
A few weren't fit to look after sewer rats. Luckily there weren't many of them.
Since I don't have any information by which to evaluate you or any other on this site I assume, until shown otherwise, that you fall into the 95+% of good ones. | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/23/2009 7:18:51 AM | Some men NEVER get their messages returned and in turn become very bitter. Instead of keeping hope and keeping positive thoughts about finding a date, they let it get to them and act in a manner as such.
It does not excuse their behavior, but it's the only explination I can see. | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/24/2009 1:03:53 PM | | Single mothers, props to you! I think any man in his right mind treats them with respect. There is a down side though. Since single moms are so busy protecting their young from potential "evildoers", every man who dates them is an evildoer until proven otherwise. Which can't help things much. I don't envy you at all. | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/24/2009 3:32:52 PM | Whats this ?
Single mothers and how thier percieved ??
Look as for me your a single female !
Yes thats it your a single female looking for a mate .
No not many of us single men are looking at you single females with kids as any different then those with out kids.
Sure we men know your gonna be protective of your kids and that to me should be expected of you.
Heck we don't know if you want just a date once in a while or if your looking for more then just a date ! We can not read your minds and if your not willing to say then who knows??
As for me hey if we get along /like dating each other thats what counts.
As for the kids and them liking who mom dates they will either like him or not .
Stop worrying and go for it is all I can say ladies ! Can't get a date if your gonna hide & keep making excuses!! Hugs! | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/24/2009 6:52:54 PM | I didn't realize how lucky I was when dating when my children were young. All the men at one time said their favorite thing about me was that I was such a good mom. All included my 3 young boys in activities. All understood that my children had to come first. All thought I deserved some fun, pampering when I could find the time.
The stuff I read in here, just have to shake my head. | |
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| Single Mothers and how we are preceived on this site
Posted: 7/24/2009 7:38:34 PM |
I didn't realize how lucky I was when dating when my children were young. All the men at one time said their favorite thing about me was that I was such a good mom.
I can't recall reading a thread on such a topic. But, I think many men judge women based on the way they interact with their children. I also think many men judge women based on their attitude about being a mom. It's amazing how many women claim to be great moms and love being a mom while yelling at their child(ren) and then sit complaining about being a mother, throughout the evening.
What a confusing message. What a confusing woman.
Maybe dating a mom is the best way to go?
I have no issue with that. | |
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