| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 6:24:56 PM | | I don't think it's an issue of gender, you just want something you can't have. If he started calling you everyday and wanted to be around you 24/7 you'd eventually get trid of him. You're not a weak person, just weak minded. You're giving him way too much credit. Who says you have to tell him to stop contacting you? You can still be friends while you're trying to find Mr. Right. And once you find your ideal guy, kick his a$$ to the curb. Listen dear, its all a mind thing. Use him like he's trying use you. You're not commited to him. Nothing is stopping you from finding your ideal guy except you. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 6:45:40 PM | | I've done that in the past, when I had no self-esteem and thought I wasn't worthy of better. Then I got some good therapy, real therapy, several years of it, and you know what, it doesn't happen anymore. You keep doing it because you choose to, because it gets you attention and you get to feel sorry for yourself and you get all kinds of pats on your head from enablers and plus you don't have to really have a relationship, you don't have to be responsible, you just get to lust & lose & whine. When you get sick enough of yourself, you'll change, until then, all you seek here is more attention. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 7:01:54 PM | Let's get this straight. I am NOT feeling sorry for myself. I am simply trying to figure out why I am having trouble totally cutting him out of my life, when I know he isn't ever going to give me what I deserve.
That said, after reading all the feedback, I do realize that it's the sex that I don't want to give up. Plain and simple.
So, think I'll go make my own booty call now................ | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 7:04:46 PM | TIME OUT!!!!!
Shebop, you stated you are dating others, are you also having sex with them?
If you are, you are "using" them, aren't you? Since you want someone else?
And if you aren't, then you are using this guy until you find a better one, right?
"Using" can be applied so incorrectly.
Now, have you told this guy how you feel? Why don't you take HIM to dinner?
At least have him tell you that he thinks of you as a booty call before you dump him! | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 7:07:59 PM | Just found this nice subject in my free hour tonight. Had some fun. Yes, I am now at the same fishing boat! Still trying to figure out why.
Ok. Here is what I know. Girls of all ages, till you are a looking for a prince to come and make you happy, sorry, your expectations are high but the chances are low. As soon as you stop basing your happiness on a particular human (or non-human) object your chances will exponentially increase. Alas, guys, including myself, are not immune from this illusion. However, if you enjoy being in illusion (sometimes called love), then go ahead and cling to the guy you know by heart is the wrong one. At least there will be something to remember! | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 7:20:16 PM | Am dating others, but I draw the line at sleeping with multiple. If I got to the point of seeing someone else and we were going to go to the physical part of the relationship, I would have to stop seeing him.
I have told him how I feel and I keep getting the claim that he wants more than just sex. But it's just words, it's not being followed up with actions. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 7:29:52 PM |
I do realize that it's the sex that I don't want to give up. Plain and simple.
So, think I'll go make my own booty call now................
You go girl...  | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 7:30:15 PM |
So, knowing all this, why do I still hold on? Why am I not just telling him not to contact me anymore? Why do I keeping hoping that he will see how lucky he would be to have me, knowing that if he hasn't seen it already, he's not going to?
Because you don't want to admit what it is you really want and you want to blame him for it, so you can pretend you really want a relationship. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 7:43:06 PM | Well, I can honestly say I've never allowed myself to be a "booty-call" - knowing full well that "HE" was seeing someone else. I am not making a judgement on you though.
I think you have figured out since you kinda admitted it in one of your posts that it most likely is "the sex". I say "STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM". Of course it feels good to you when your doing it and you no-doubt feel close to him, probably even fantasizing that "THIS" time it will be different and HE will feel the "connection" too, changeing his mind about you.
Afterwards though - is a whole different story. You probably reflect on the sad fact that he doesn't take you anywhere and hardly calls. You know in your heart it was "just sex" -- how empty! You will continue to go round and round with your emotions & this issue until you DECIDE to stand up for yourself, take control, resolve that you will not settle for such crumbs anymore. Don't call him, refuse to see him (even though it will be hard), be open (emotionally) to others who you may not be giving a chance, but maybe better for you. Let this go! He is never going to all of a sudden "fall in love with you"! He is not the one.
I always think this way: whatever guy is ultimately meant for me "long term" will know right off the bat that I am SPECIAL, RARE, A GOOD WOMAN, and he will not want anyone else to have an opportunity to have me. Indifference is such a turn-off.
You are a very attractive woman - don't settle for this sh**. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 7:50:28 PM | Here are my $.02 on the subject..
It takes courage to make a change in our lives. Sometimes you just have to be fearless and trust your instincts, and take the plunge. You will survive and get beyond whatever hurt comes with it.
Relationships with great sex, last 2, 3 or even 10 times longer than they would have if the sex was not so hot, or not there at all. If all you are staying for is the sex, that will get old and in the meantime you are not making yourself emotionally available for someone who is the full package for you. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 7:52:07 PM |
stop treating every relationship like it is the last one you are going to have.
The corollary to this is:
Stop assuming you will never have better sex than what you are currently experiencing.
I’ve been where you are, shebop. When the best sex we’ve ever had is thrown into the mix and, to me, truly great sex is not that common, we will hold on like a child does to a toy she can’t have in the store. There are other stores with other toys and some will be even better than the toy she wants now. But the child is afraid if she lets it go, some one else will get it and she will be left with nothing and that no other toys will be as wonderful as this one.
It’s the same in relationships; even if their actions aren’t matching their words, we hold onto the great sex because we don’t want to give it up as we are afraid we will never experience this physical/emotional bonding again AND we don’t want anyone else to have the guy/girl we want. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 7:52:55 PM | | well i will have to say it sounds like the reason you hang on is because you have the fear of being alone and you crave the affection of a man that your not getting much as it is so your trying to hold on to what little your getting now but i will be thefirst to tell you it is no life to live you should be getting better and from what it sounds like you never going to get any more from him than your getting now cut it loose you can do better for your self | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 8:19:48 PM |
Why am I being so damn weak?
i would venture a wild guess that it has nothing to do at all w/being "weak", and everything to do w/the possibility that, deep down, you may not really be ready for what you think you want...?
i can only speak from my own experience...but i can identify and relate w/what you're talking about. i've learned that when you *really* get tired of the players, users, liars and emotionally unavailable gamers, you won't fall for their BS anymore.
when you're truly ready to hang up your single dancing shoes and open to meeting the man who knows what you're worth, you stop sabotaging yourself and settling for the bottom feeders. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 8:20:02 PM | | I was the same darn way with my last guy!!! So many times we broke up and got back together. Was the first time in my life I ever did that!!!! I do believe it's because we think they can be "them" again... I have a problem with people backing off and changing who they are once they are comfortable in the relationship. I believe people can be passionate about eachother 1, 2, 5, 10 yrs from now. You put into it, what you want out of it!! But definitely, it's because you think things will change. And you feel if you move onto the next person, the person previously before will change and be perfect for someone else. LOL ALWAYS happens to me. ughhhhhhhh now THAT is frustrating!!!!! | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 8:24:42 PM | I think you just hit it. Really good sex is tough to find, and I think I am worried that I won't find that again.
My biggest fear is to end up in a relationship with a great guy, but the sex is just so so.
Guess I'd rather not have the relationship, but have great sex.
Thanks for the input! | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 8:30:51 PM | HI Shebop
I understand this. I don't like it either. For me I will agree with Mr Reality..Something I wanted and couldn't have.
Also on top of that..it was a blow to my ego..What??? you don't want ME?????
That rejection, that feeling of loss, confusion..leads me to say inside my head.
Wait..I wasn't finished with you yet..But they are finished with me.
Acceptance of rejection, no connection,,no hope of this being the Right One.,,,
Then as we drag our feet, lower our head..and mumble to ourselves..Ok,,,I'll just have to start all over again with someone else....
And we do,,Its just a cycle of reality..some are more painful than others.
Lbiker | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/7/2009 11:58:10 PM |
shebop....you are allowed to have sex with a man and not fall in love with him and expect the relationship to be the "one". Give yourself the permission and be free of the social conditioning we receive growing up (some of us women) and you may be surprised how happy you can be just going with the flow of life instead of having a game plan. If he treats you well when you are together and you enjoy his company, why not just accept it for what it is while you keep your eyes open for the "one"?
She shouldn't be having sex with him though, because it wouldn't be fair to the child to be born into a situation like this, with no love or commitment between the parents. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 12:04:46 AM | For some people, it is hard to get over someone because of a chemical called oxytocin. This chemical gets released whenever the person of our affection is near us, and when we are apart we experience withdrawal.
Also, some people like the roller coaster of the ups and downs of the release of this chemical, as in, the person is near us, then they blow us off, then they are with us again, then they leave, and on and on and on.
Maybe this will help:
How to Ease the Physical Pain of Losing Love
The moment we fall in love, we become high. And then, vulnerable to a biochemical plummet bringing pain that is mild to extreme, even terrifying for many. We may have urges to act out of character and violate our usual code of conduct. This may mean intensely pursuing or suddenly leaving a partner, or even hurting ourselves. Managing withdrawal could prevent such actions.
Knowing cupid’s love-drug recipe, we may be able to land more softly after flying high.
Falling in love happens when our body stirs a cocktail of dopamine, norepinephrine, and phenylethylalamine (PEA). Six months to 3 years later if still bonding with our partner, we may withdraw from that cocktail while we inevitably switch to the stronger drug, endorphins; an addiction with longer term life ramifications. Throughout love, oxytocin provides great pleasure, while confidently telling us we belong with our partner no matter our compatibility.
How do we wean ourselves when we are cut off from the supply of love drugs temporarily or permanently, or when we know we must end our addiction to someone?
Difficulty: Easy
Instructions
Things You'll Need:
* Chocolate (75%, Valhrona, Cargill and Lindt.)
* Endorphins (exercise & laughter)
* Seretonin Foods (Can ease obsessive thinking)
* Popcorn (helps seretonin via enhanced tryptophan uptake)
* Vitamin B-6
* Magnesium
* ...
* Massage and Touch (raise seretonin)
* Romantic Movies
* Full Spectrum Light
* Exercise
* Distraction other than using substances.
* ...
* A Compassionate Doctor who can guide you to the following aids.
* ...
* PEA Supplements
* Phenylalanine
* Deprenyl
* Diazepam
1.
Step 1
---Ask Yourself if you have sudden "Love Drug" withdrawal---
This often resembles amphetamine withdrawal because PEA is an amphetamine: Depression, Agitation, Fatigue, Excessive sleeping, Increased appetite, and even Psychosis and Suicidal thoughts. If you think you do, professional help may be necessary as you heal.
We vary from one another in our sensitivity to PEA. High sensitivity or high levels can shape a "clingy" personality while a low supply can encourage the "dater". This helps explain why breakups are easier for some and harder for others.
2.
Step 2
----Get Perspective---
Consider that when one of a couple “withdraws”, he or she may actually be withdrawing from love drugs and seeking them outside of the relationship. When one of a couple begs, it could be that their partner/pusher stopped providing enough of the love drug ingredients. And, when someone grieves the death of a love partner, they have also lost the “other half” of some of their biochemical identity.
For tips on asking for space without sending your partner into sudden withdrawal and panic, see "How to Ask for Space and Stay Together" at http://www.ehow.com/how_4735416_ask-space-stay-together.html
3.
Step 3
---Figure out which stage of Love you are withdrawing from---
*The First Stage*
Euphoria. Flying high. PEA is a brain chemical that causes euphoria in early love. Two other chemicals combine with PEA for a brew of infatuation: Dopamine, and Norepinephrine. When we are cut off from this magic potion, withdrawal can lead to deep pain and life altering choices.
At any point in the love story, if romance ends abruptly, one could show signs of PEA withdrawal, which resemble those of amphetamine withdrawal. "Breaking up" can become "cracking up".
*WHAT TO DO*
See Step 5
4.
Step 4
---Figure out which stage of Love you are withdrawing from---
*The Second Stage*
This could occur approximately 6 months to 5 years later when the first stage love drugs gradually stop flooding the brain, bringing on withdrawal. Next, endorphins may move in if a couple stays bonded. Endorphins form an even stronger and longer addiction than the first stage. Consider this: The absence of endorphins is how distance makes the heart grow fonder in bonded couples. Some surviving partners even die of a"broken heart" when they mourn their lost partner, in long-standing relationships.
*WHAT TO DO*
How can you help the relationship develop into the second stage instead of ending abruptly, so as to minimize withdrawal? Intervention is key. At this stage, you can become hooked on endorphins before running after a new seduction to recapture PEA. Encourage the endorphins to flow by reading couples' self-help books, attending couples' workshops, seeing couples counselors, and using other bonding resources.
You can also consider supplementing first stage love drugs then weaning off of them, while building the endorphin bond.
Use caution though: As always, the oxytocin that has been there all along may be blurring your judgment and keeping you bonded in an unsafe or unhealthy relationship. It can be valuable to consider the opinions of counselors if you have any concerns.
5.
Step 5
---At either stage of love---
If you have symptoms of withdrawal, you can get the PEA back in your life to ease the withdrawal, you can assuage the cravings and wean gradually off of it in order to remain, grieve, or leave. See the listing of things needed.
See the tips and resources below.
http://www.ehow.com/how_4734801_physical-pain-of-losing-love.html
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