| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 12:17:22 AM |
I am sorry...but I don't do this to myself.
I just couldn't....yech!
I guess that I like and respect myself too much.
If you are referring to the situation the OP finds herself in, it is not always voluntary. She doesn't like and respect herself any less than you like and respect yourself. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 12:20:07 AM | You are holding out and hoping for that "potential" that you have pictured in your mind.
It's your refusal to accept the person as they truly are and go from there.
Rather, you're falling in love with the "risk taker" and hoping to change him into something he's not.
By "risk taker", I'm clumping the "bad boys" in with the guys who have jobs where they place their life on the line daily( cops, firefighters, military, etc.)
We've all heard stories about someone falling in love with a person in uniform, then fearing that person won't come home one day. So the spouse tries to persuade the person in uniform to change occupation or switch to a desk job. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 12:30:59 AM |
If you are referring to the situation the OP finds herself in, it is not always voluntary. She doesn't like and respect herself any less than you like and respect yourself.
and you know this about this op how exactly? | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 12:37:50 AM | and you know this about this op how exactly?
Are you actually defending this post?
I am sorry...but I don't do this to myself.
I just couldn't....yech!
I guess that I like and respect myself too much.
Two reasons for my assesment of the OP:
1. Her own words/answers on this thread:
No, it's not a case of being afraid of not having someone. I'm actually dating quite a bit right now. I'm just afraid I'm not giving any of the other guys a fair shake since I can't get this guy out of my head.
And to the one who said it's about low self-esteem. It definitely is not that.
If it were either scenerio where I was afraid to be alone, or not happy with myself, I could understand the hanging on. But because neither is the case, I'm really stymied as to why I can't just forget him.
Hell, maybe it's just the sex......
Trust me, I have none of the "OMG we had sex, it must be love" BS going on.
I grew out of that fairy tale a looooooong time ago.
You, yourself, called her this:
Ah, a fellow enlightened woman.
More words of the OP:
Let's get this straight. I am NOT feeling sorry for myself. I am simply trying to figure out why I am having trouble totally cutting him out of my life, when I know he isn't ever going to give me what I deserve.
That said, after reading all the feedback, I do realize that it's the sex that I don't want to give up. Plain and simple.
So, think I'll go make my own booty call now................
Am dating others, but I draw the line at sleeping with multiple. If I got to the point of seeing someone else and we were going to go to the physical part of the relationship, I would have to stop seeing him.
I have told him how I feel and I keep getting the claim that he wants more than just sex. But it's just words, it's not being followed up with actions.
I think you just hit it. Really good sex is tough to find, and I think I am worried that I won't find that again.
My biggest fear is to end up in a relationship with a great guy, but the sex is just so so.
Guess I'd rather not have the relationship, but have great sex.
Thanks for the input!
More words from you:
I do realize that it's the sex that I don't want to give up. Plain and simple.
So, think I'll go make my own booty call now................ You go girl.
The 2nd reason is, these types of feelings are not always voluntary, and they have nothing to do with self respect. Emotions are controlled by biochemical interactions that we do not have total control over.
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 12:47:02 AM | oh come on. the line "he's just not that into you" has become too ridiculously popular since the book and ten times more so than since the movie.
but if a lot of people are honest with themselves, they will still keep hoping for it. the movie pissed me off for quite a while because it was based on the idea that there are hardly ever exceptions to the rule yet most of the characters ended up being exceptions.
every once in a thousand times, the guy will end up being an exception. THAT'S what keeps this kind of thing going. the same way people keep playing the lottery. only you yourself know the chances of coming out on top even 4$ worth, much less the 100$ million. no one else can say any differently. follow your heart because you don't wanna be sayin what if later. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 1:48:29 AM | ok, i know i will catch some flack for this but my advice date like a man and you wont get played like a b*tch, there i said it | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 2:12:20 AM |
Why do I keeping hoping that he will see how lucky he would be to have me, knowing that if he hasn't seen it already, he's not going to?
Because you haven't reached the 'right' stage yet? When you finally see yourself and believe in yourself that you are one damn good catch, then what he thinks won't matter anymore....It always starts from the inside and shines out.
Some people reach that stage after alot of pain, trial and error...but they reach it. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 5:50:29 AM | Wow! I had to jump right in to reply before I even had a chance to read the other responses, or to think about your question much - because I could have posted this exact same thing a couple of years ago! I mean, to the letter...EVERY D*MN WORD!
Sorry, I know that didn't add anything to the discussion, but I felt like I got hit in the gut with a sledgehammer when I read the OP. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 6:00:12 AM | OK, now I've read all the posts, and it just kept getting worse and worse! The relating, I mean....
I decided that my problem was simply that I was right smack in the middle of a state of limerence when the guy decided he was ready to call it quits. I knew deep inside that he *really* wasn't the one for me, but I wasn't ready to let go. I remember telling someone, several years ago, when he was moving out of state, "but I'm not finished yet!". He was confused, and then a little insulted, I think, but that's exactly the way I felt. I was ok with letting go...just not then...not until I was ready.
OP, maybe you're just not ready to let go yet...and if he goes before you're ready, it can take a long time to let go, since you gotta do it alone. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 6:04:18 AM | | Nah .. there is one exception... Johnny Deep.. last time I checked in with my parole officer he said that he has not lifted the restraining order.. and then the friggin jerk.. the p. officer.. would not wear the Depp mask I brought so .. I could get off.. ah oh well he don't sound like.. Johnny anyway .. time to get my rubber Deep Depp doll out of the closet and move David Carradines remains out... I hate lousy boners.. geesus I need to find some ... enter.. detainers... | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 7:08:52 AM | I know how you feel. My last boyfriend, who I was deeply in love with, lied to me repeatedly. He practically lived with me except for when he had his kids. Then he and the kids would stay at his house. He said he did not want to have his kids around someone unless he was really serious about them. I agreed with this. But come to find out he was lying about having his kids and instead he was going out with another woman. When I saw them together I felt sick. It was the worst feeling I ever had in my life.
It was not easy to let go, but I have found the trick is, you have to love yourself more. Even with all the bad things that have happened I still believe there is someone out there I am meant to be with. You have to let him go. There will be someone else. There always is. I always thought that he would see how good he had it. He was always telling me that I was the best woman he had ever known, but the truth is it was all a line. A way to keep stringing me along with he was making his moves on other women.
One day you will have enough. And on that day you will realize that you are worth more than he could ever give you. This is when you will start loving yourself. Be healthy. I mean heart healthy. Emotionally healthy. That's the only way to get over the jerk!! I did it. And now, I'm just waiting on Mr. Right to find me. He's out there, I know it!! | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 7:16:46 AM | | Many other posters have given good reasons and advice. Unrequited love can seem so tragically romantic, that it can be hard to give up for that reason too. OP, have you even told this guy how you feel and asked for more than he's giving? He may say no, which will hurt, but at least you'll be clear. Perhaps maintaining a little hope for change is better than giving up hope - but only then can you move on and actually find the love you want. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 7:22:39 AM | I don't know why. But I have been there, I think we all have at one point or another. The only "cure" for it is to just make a firm decision to STOP IT ALREADY and then DO IT. No turning back, no further contact, no even accepting contact from them. Clean break is the only way out of this.
And to address what the second poster said...you might be right, it's because we fear being alone and fear not being able to find someone else...BUT...the very act of hanging on to this person, in however minimal way,(even if only in our mind) is what is KEEPING us from finding someone new! I FINALLY figured that out! The hard way, of course! | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 7:48:27 AM | I chock it up to women like a$$holes. They like being lied to and treated like crap otherwise they would say stop this crap or I'm gone. When the man says "No honey, I like hurting you." that should be the sign to most people it's time to either stop lamenting your masochist tendencies or simply say "I'm up, find someone else to screw over." When I finally figured out my girlfriend was full of it years ago I let her go. She asked to stay, we had the "we can still be friends conversation." Years later she called me out of the blue. We set something up. I realized she hadn't changed. That was the last contact we had and that's been about ten years ago. Good riddance to bad rubbish and you ladies who do this need to adopt that mentality and stop letting these knuckle draggers drag you down (or "Drag you to Hell", whichever works best for you) and get on with finding guys who want to do right by a woman.
-Nate | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:02:11 AM | | I'd say your chances at winning the lottery are much higher than your changes of someone who sees you as a booty call ever falling in love with you. You've already shown this person that you will settle for much less and do not require any respect, so why on earth would they suddenly (or slowly) find you the person of their dreams? It's insanity and until you get sick enough of treating yourself with no respect, you will continue to wallow in the drama you've willingly put yourself into. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:22:28 AM | Hi Nate
Believe me I do agree with you. I don't feel this way on all men,,just a couple.
The problem with the attitude that you are talking about,,gets us into the Biatch categorie..You know the "nose in the air B" or "she thinks she is too good for me."
So it is alot like the men feel. No matter which direction we go,,it brings some kind of accusation with it.
So being honest about how we feel, to communicate,,will allow us to find that happy medium..Just with our inner self. And that is the only one that really matters..the others are too opininated. We are learning, and we are getting better..How do I know this??? I read the forums about how opiniated we females are  and how we are too good for some guys .
So hang in there..we are getting ready for you gentlemen!!!!!!!
Lbiker | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:26:09 AM | You know, Nate, I really think it's just waaaay too easy for a lot of guys to say. 'Women just like asssholes'. I really do. It's so untrue. Nobody really wants an imperfect assshole in their life, think about it.. Most of these things are said by men whose ladies have left them for what they perceive to be a man who is a real loser and abuser, even if he's not.. It's more an ego thing, a temporary spewing to make yourself feel better , or somehow justified and in control.
If you really take a hard look around, the women who are attracted to knuckle draggers are actually knucle draggers themselves. 
That's Right. Women with a poor sense of self, or wanting so desperately to be loved, that they will take on any loser that comes down the road.
It happens with guys too.
Be aware of this.
In many ways, it's a society of hurt, damaged people who are used to , or accepting in some way of bad relationships, trying to make them seem better than they are.......either that...or, not having done the time out.the step back...and work on themselves to realize that it (Life and Love) doesn't have to be this way.
I've come to believe that people spend far too much time puking their particular brand of ShIt onto others, instead of taking stock of themselves, and doing whatever it takes to guide ourselves towards acceptance, love, and just being grateful for what it is that we 'do ' have.
It takes a bit of practice, but , I've been working for a time now on staying away from generalizations, name calling, and painting with a broad brush. It might make you feel OK and justified for a minit, but after you get that generalization stuff out, what really changes.?
Not much , I bet.
regards
Kimbo | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:29:10 AM | | I've definitely been there and done that so I'm just as guilty. It's as though your brain just goes into freefall. I said to one of my friends recently "Why didn't you let me know I was making such a prat of myself over ................ The reply "I did, but you were not in the right frame of mind to listen." I don't know the answer, but it's usually having too much spare time on your hands that makes you do things you'll regret later. lol | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:34:16 AM | | Because you would rather be alone with the guise of a boyfriend than really admit that you are alone and learn to enjoy your own company, ergo the dating and obsessing about the one who doesn't want you. If you actually give one of these guys a chance, he might not want you either, and that would mean there is something wrong with you instead of the guy. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:39:32 AM | | My opinion is if a man really likes u or want to meet u then he will make it happen right away. Time is very important and while he is taking his own sweet time we are being asked out by others. Do they not know this? So there chances get very slim. These guys always write me and want to meet me and tell me to call them and I do and they don't return my call for at least 2 days or more. I don't take guys like that serious. I think someone serious would return your call right away and the same day. You can't be weak. Just realize if he were interested he would be keeping in constant contact with u. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:40:28 AM | I think I can sum this up succinctly;
Because you are human!
Life is messy and confusing. Roll with it... question it (as you are)... but LEARN from it.
Concentrate on what you are doing right and put your energies into that. Fuk the rest.
We are human, we don't have all the answers, we sometimes just react... | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:41:25 AM | ps why is it posts like this always generate a tirade of "well, I would NEVER do that because I'm far too sensible and respect myself too much " responses from the self righteous brigade. " Now, please line up in an orderly fashion for your commendation certificates. My feeling is these kind of posters do so out of a kind of self promotion to prove they aren't some sort of unhinged bunny boiler cos this is, of course, a dating site. lol That's the more charitable explanation. Either that, or they do it because they're not very nice people who get a kick out rubbing the poor poster's nose in it good and proper! But then....even unhinged bunny boilers wouldn't admit to it, so maybe it's a case of those who protest too much.    | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:42:52 AM | Here's the deal. Attraction is not an option. What this guy is doing is exactly what other guys need to do. That is, not being clingy, calling you all the time, playing to your beckon call. Instead he allows you to miss him. He is perhaps ambivalent about the relationship, so you feel that it is YOU not him the one that has to work at it. While all the other guys working hard at getting you, don't get it. They will become girlfriends for all you care.
So what you are experiencing the the brutal reality of attraction. I have no advice to give you, but guys need to make a note and decide which one they want to be. The guy who is a girlfriend. The guy women cannot get out of their mind. | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:52:34 AM | Why? Because it's the way you're wired. I'll give you straight talk, OK? Please don't be offended. The best thing you can do is: move on. Seriously, go find someone that you really like who likes you just as much. Once he realizes his booty call has moved on, he'll do one of two things: 1) realize he likes you more than he thought he did and decide to pursue you as more than a booty call, or 2) he won't care and will move on too. Either way, you are doing what is best for you...you either end up with him or with someone else that you like. You moving on kicks both him and you off the fence.
Right now, you are following your emotions/instincts...follow your mind instead. We have superior intelligence compared to other animals (or most of us do!  )...use it! Our ability to think, our ability to change how we feel by changing our beliefs is what separates us from other animals that can only follow their instincts. Right now, you "believe" that if you show him what a wonderful girl you are, he'll get it and pursue you. That belief is inccorrect...change your belief (re-read what I wrote above), and you'll change how you feel.
HTH!
Gruuve | |
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| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:07:40 AM | I think of it as the Impossible Dream.
Many of us just wish for what we cannot have. Many of us are dreamers.
You have Imagined an Image of him as the "Perfect Man" in your mind. In reality, he does not even come close. So you are thinking that you can somehow magically bridge the gap between Fantasy & Reality (Wishful Thinking...but a Fantasy that is somehow fueled by the Movies, Media, etc.) . You need to find someone that is just as crazy about you as you are about him. A healthy mutual relationship does not work with only one person in love............................ Good luck on your journey. | |
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