|
|
|
|
|
| |
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:23:33 AM | Well shebop, I think you just copied a page out of my book! lol.
So well written, I thought I wrote it! So, that tells you, your problem is a common one. I have the exact same problem. Why do we do it? It's the forbidden that creates the excitement, the challenge, makes you want him more. But.....you are right, if he really wanted a perm. relationship with you, you would know it. You have the right idea, to tell him not to contact you anymore, but you won't (I never did). Someone else will come along in your life that really will want that relationship, and when he does, this guy will be nothing more than a distant memory and you'll wonder why you wasted so much time thinking about him. My advice; don't be the booty call, you become the challenge. If you never hear from him again, then is he really worth it?
Good luck to you from someone who's been there, done that (more than once), will we ever learn? Probably not.
Take care | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 10:17:00 AM | Fshock, I must not post so late into the morning (night) because my reading comprehension goes way down.....
When you wrote this,
If you are referring to the situation the OP finds herself in, it is not always voluntary. She doesn't like and respect herself any less than you like and respect yourself.
I read it alllllllllllll wrong. I thought you implied the OP didn't like and respect herself.....my bad totally. Forgive me?  | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 10:27:54 AM | I read it alllllllllllll wrong. I thought you implied the OP didn't like and respect herself.....my bad totally. Forgive me?
Don't I always??? lol I just wish I could have that half hour back that I spent on answering the question!!! | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 11:03:40 AM | Why do we hang on to someone that we know in our heart really doesn't want us?
OP -- As Poster 2 pointed out, it's human nature to take the path of least resistance. Despite the "feeling" that he/she doesn't want you, they're still there...available to whatever extent. At least there's something tangible you can wrap your head around, where if you dump him/her then you're back to square one and looking and who knows how long that will take.
Path of least resistance.
You know the guy. The one who only contacts you once in awhile. The one who talks about the girl that he really fell for, but then dumped him for someone else. The one that you are just pretty darn sure is only out for a booty call, even though he says he's looking for more.
Yep. I know HER type very well. The one who contacts me whenever she is "bored". The one that is living with someone else but says that it's "not what you think". The indecisive one that doesn't know what she really wants, and she won't say anything about it if asked directly.
Yep. I know HER only too well.
Oh, he might be looking for more, but just not with you. If he was, you would hear from him nearly every day. YOU would be the girl that he is falling hard for, and any other girl before you would just be a distant memory. He would take you out to dinner or a movie, not just invite you over to his place. He wouldn't give you an excuse about being busy, as the reason for not getting in touch with you, because if he really wanted to be with you, he would make the time.
I still don't get how so many people associate interest with damn near stalkerish, Grade school "constant contact" principles? What the Hell is up with that? People have LIVES. Constant contact is for the needy/clingy.
And they don't have to spring for dinner and/or a movie when they can invite you over to their place. To expect or even demand more is just selfish self serving behavior. People get jaded too easy and expect the life of luxury and take for granted what time you DO spend together because it's not OUT doing something and wasting/spending money. They associate "quality time" with "amount spent". That's just got sad written all over it. If I was dating again I could give a fig if we never went ANYWHERE...as long as we were spending some time together, that's all that matters.
And again with the "excuse" about being busy...PEOPLE HAVE LIVES TO LIVE. Too bad that you're not at the top of their list of priorities. How very selfish to think you should be, and to declare anything less as an "excuse". Pat yourself on the back that because you're not at the top of the food chain it must be an "excuse" that he/she is busy.
Eesh. 
And this whole "if he really wanted to be with you, he would make the time" thing applies to when you have no other priorities in life that need tending to. Again falling back to people have lives to live. You need to wrap your head around that concept.
So, knowing all this, why do I still hold on? Why am I not just telling him not to contact me anymore? Why do I keeping hoping that he will see how lucky he would be to have me, knowing that if he hasn't seen it already, he's not going to?
Because OP, like most, you sit back and think that one day he/she may "change" or as someone else pointed out "see the light". This was clearly illustrated with the remark you made of "...hoping that he will see how lucky he would be...". You, like most, wait for this "change" or "awakening" to occur and the reality is, it likely won't happen at all. For you and your type that think like that, you may as well wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up first...
Above all else, remember that the only constant in this drama is YOU. Just the way you expressed your post the way you did tells me that this ain't the first time this has happened to you, and it likely won't be the last. Perhaps you should adjust your man picker a bit and start pursuing those that are available when you want them to be, and making the constant Grade school contact and who "sees" you right away instead of you pining away hoping he will one day.
YOU keep picking these types of men that are unavailable to meet YOUR demands. Perhaps a change in tune may be what's needed then after all is said and done?
If you don't like it, take the path of most resistance and dump him like a hot rock. Go back to the pond, and change your picker to match your wants a little closer. Quit picking the ones that aren't available to meet your demands.
Just sayin'...........................
Why am I being so damn weak?
Because you are choosing to be that way. You see it in yourself but are doing nothing to change the outcome or course. You're not a victim...you're a volunteer.
 | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 12:10:57 PM | Sometimes things like this are out of our conscious control. See this site:
http://www.ehow.com/how_4734801_physical-pain-of-losing-love.html | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 12:41:53 PM | Op,
These are Wise words. You should heed them. Package Deal said:
than really admit that you are alone and learn to enjoy your own company, ergo the dating and obsessing about the one who doesn't want you. If you actually give one of these guys a chance, he might not want you either, and that would mean there is something wrong with you instead of the guy.
It truely is better to be alone than cling to something that wasn't there to begin with. Besides, how will you be able to meet that real guy who will feel ab0ut you the way you want someone to feel if you're hung up on this unattainable one? I suspect it's more the "image" of this guy you are so hung up on, not him.
You have Imagined an Image of him as the "Perfect Man" in your mind. In reality, he does not even come close. So you are thinking that you can somehow magically bridge the gap between Fantasy & Reality (Wishful Thinking...but a Fantasy that is somehow fueled by the Movies, Media, etc.) . You need to find someone that is just as crazy about you as you are about him. A healthy mutual relationship does not work with only one person in love. I doubt the OP is in love. She's in hope, or want. IMO it must be mutual to be love.
Good luck, dear, I wish you happiness.
.
Edited to add. I hadn't read the whole 5 pages, but went back and realized the best advice was way back at the beginning: .
Divagreen said
Op, an older friend told me this once a long time ago...sometimes I even follow it...stop treating every relationship like it is the last one you are going to have. | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 1:25:38 PM |
Yep. I know HER type very well. The one who contacts me whenever she is "bored". The one that is living with someone else but says that it's "not what you think". The indecisive one that doesn't know what she really wants, and she won't say anything about it if asked directly.
Yep. I know HER only too well.
Yep, as I think BDJ means ... its happened to all of us at one time or another.
Anyway my thoughts on this are, suffer the pain and move on. I have been there, and know only too well I was THE PERFECT WOMAN for that man, well I thought so anyway, and also thought in time he would see me that way too. Guess what it nearly happened too !!! *me dreaming*
That was the glue that kept me wanting him, those few crumbs he tossed my way to keep me near, but far enough away to not really be anything in his life.
It took me a long time to BELIEVE the words I spoke to my gal pals, ""Oh he is this and that and I know he is not good for me" but deep down inside I still dreamed of he and me. And those dreams were so clear that they could have become my reality.
Now I see it for what is was. We met, we did fall "in love" sort of. I stayed there, he didn't. Yes it hurt, the thought still hurts, but I accept the lesson I learned.
Here is what I learned ... love is real, love goes both ways. If you are on that one way street that is not love, that is just dreaming.
OMO
(Oh yea ... all those perfect people who lecture about the OP having low self-esteem and all that as if you are all so damn perfect, that sure does get tiresome on here. So many perfect people on POF no wonder it is so hard for those of us who are so lesser to find a SO. Weeding through the perfect POF bullshiiters) | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 5:05:08 PM | Why keep a grip on a smelly, rotten, messy apple, when all you have to do is drop it, and open your arms to a nice healthy one to drop in your hands?
Ok lame annallogy but ya get the point? | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 5:14:02 PM | I still don't get how so many people associate interest with damn near stalkerish, Grade school "constant contact" principles? What the Hell is up with that? People have LIVES. Constant contact is for the needy/clingy. And they don't have to spring for dinner and/or a movie when they can invite you over to their place. To expect or even demand more is just selfish self serving behavior. People get jaded too easy and expect the life of luxury and take for granted what time you DO spend together because it's not OUT doing something and wasting/spending money. They associate "quality time" with "amount spent". That's just got sad written all over it. If I was dating again I could give a fig if we never went ANYWHERE...as long as we were spending some time together, that's all that matters. And again with the "excuse" about being busy...PEOPLE HAVE LIVES TO LIVE. Too bad that you're not at the top of their list of priorities. How very selfish to think you should be, and to declare anything less as an "excuse". Pat yourself on the back that because you're not at the top of the food chain it must be an "excuse" that he/she is busy. Eesh. And this whole "if he really wanted to be with you, he would make the time" thing applies to when you have no other priorities in life that need tending to. Again falling back to people have lives to live. You need to wrap your head around that concept. So, knowing all this, why do I still hold on? Why am I not just telling him not to contact me anymore? Why do I keeping hoping that he will see how lucky he would be to have me, knowing that if he hasn't seen it already, he's not going to? Because OP, like most, you sit back and think that one day he/she may "change" or as someone else pointed out "see the light". This was clearly illustrated with the remark you made of "...hoping that he will see how lucky he would be...". You, like most, wait for this "change" or "awakening" to occur and the reality is, it likely won't happen at all. For you and your type that think like that, you may as well wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up first... Above all else, remember that the only constant in this drama is YOU. Just the way you expressed your post the way you did tells me that this ain't the first time this has happened to you, and it likely won't be the last. Perhaps you should adjust your man picker a bit and start pursuing those that are available when you want them to be, and making the constant Grade school contact and who "sees" you right away instead of you pining away hoping he will one day. YOU keep picking these types of men that are unavailable to meet YOUR demands. Perhaps a change in tune may be what's needed then after all is said and done? If you don't like it, take the path of most resistance and dump him like a hot rock. Go back to the pond, and change your picker to match your wants a little closer. Quit picking the ones that aren't available to meet your demands. Just sayin'...........................
+1
It's nice when someone else comes in and does the heavy lifting....
Great post, BDJ. | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 5:21:44 PM | Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Because of being too insecure to handle rejection.
I'd give this very fine lady a muy grande' kudos for getting straight to the point , in only 8 little words....well done.!
Why keep a grip on a smelly, rotten, messy apple, when all you have to do is drop it, and open your arms to a nice healthy one to drop in your hands?
Ok lame annallogy but ya get the point?
I don't think it was 'that' lame of an analogy , Miska...I don't ...and it did get the point across , that's for sure! I think the part about opening your arms so a nice healthy one could just magically 'drop' into that safe warm embrace is a bit...ummm..how shall I say......dreamy & myopic though. folly, perhaps??
Sometimes, ya just gotta drop the apple, wipe the messy shIt on your pants, and walk away with class....just step away from the apple.......slowly now...you can do it. good one.
Kimbo | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 6:17:13 PM |
So ,knowing all this,why do I still hold on ? Why am I not just telling him not to contact me anymore? Why do I keep hoping that he will see * how lucky he would be to have me* knowing that if he hasn't seen it already,he's not going to?> Why am so damn weak ?<
I read the whole thread you posted and outline this .. How can you be sure that you think that he is lucky to have you ? Do you make him feel good when you are around him? *If he feels good on you ,he'd want you all the time by his side,*why do you think that some people are hooked to street drugs ? Because of what it gives them to feel good..
Here is a quote-- You can lead a horse to the water trough but you can't make it drink if it doesn't want to.
If things isn't working for us - We Can Change Our Mind At Anytime.
Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Not to all women who use their God given little Brain...
 | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 6:18:09 PM | Wow! Too insecure to handle rejection? It's funny how people on here will make such negative judgements about people.
Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate all the constructive comments that really made me think. So yes, there are some nice, helpful people on here as well.
I have no problems with rejection. I have learned that rejection is not a personal affront on me, anymore than my not being attracted to someone, means there is anything wrong with them. It is a simple fact that not every person is going to be attracted to everyone else.
I do think that in this situation, what I am dreading giving up is the sex. But I need to let myself believe that if I found great sex once, I can find it again. Hopefully next time with someone that actually wants to spend some time with me outside of the bedroom. | |
|
| |
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 6:30:46 PM | I have no problems with rejection. I have learned that rejection is not a personal affront on me, anymore than my not being attracted to someone, means there is anything wrong with them. It is a simple fact that not every person is going to be attracted to everyone else.
That's the proper perspective, and a great attitude.
I do think that in this situation, what I am dreading giving up is the sex.
You wouldn't be alone in that.
But I need to let myself believe that if I found great sex once, I can find it again.
Well, here's some good news then:
Great lovers are made, not born.... | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 6:35:55 PM | Read "Act like a Lady, Think like a Man", it will help.
One poster has it right, we (male and female) take the path of lest resistance. | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 6:36:00 PM | | Because human nature dictates that we want what we think we cant have. I had this happen to me already, and thats when I realized, they wernt the perfect guy that I had built up in my mind, I just wanted them because I couldnt have them. Just be a big girl and quit making a fool out of yourself over some guy who doesnt care about you. | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 6:46:27 PM | Msg 90.
So now we know the truth,you are seeking great sex for your own gratification,tsk,stk,,.. Men have two colored bottons to push, the red one is Baraboom,Baraboom,"thank you dahlin, that was great Ahhh! Mr. Wiener is happy!!! I'll call you, Don't call me.....
When a woman push the green botton,VOILA !! the men see you in a rose glasses, you are perfect than the Venus,they will adore,cherish, respect and love YOU.. Hmm,they will even take you home to meet Momma... And they 'll,want to spent the rest of their life with you .
This is how I dig about MEN.. I generalized it and I stand on what I said.
 | |
|
| |
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 7:08:08 PM | BigDaddyJinx, you have said a lot of things that ring true to me.
And again with the "excuse" about being busy...PEOPLE HAVE LIVES TO LIVE. Too bad that you're not at the top of their list of priorities. How very selfish to think you should be, and to declare anything less as an "excuse". Pat yourself on the back that because you're not at the top of the food chain it must be an "excuse" that he/she is busy.
I completely agree with this! I work full-time, go to school part-time, and have a teen age son. I also have other family commitments that are important to me. I understand that the guy I date has commitments to family, friends, and work as well. That commitment is part of what makes him who he is. If he didn't keep his promises to his family and friends, then I would not be able to trust him to keep his promises to me.
While we might not get together as often as I would like, he does make time in his busy schedule to spend time with me. We talk about any issues that come up, and both of us make the effort to listen and explain our side of the situation. While this might not work for everyone, it works for me! | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 7:09:30 PM | I lack self respect because I know he's not good for me? I lack self respect because I am not sitting at home pining away for what I can't have, and am actually out dating?
What part of I'm not sitting back and just waiting for him do some of you not get?
All I wanted to know is why we still think about the ones who aren't good for us, when we know they aren't. Wow! Guess some people aren't happy unless they are cutting someone else down. | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 7:39:30 PM | Msg98 .. shebop you don't need to validate yourself to anyone by asking a silly question
All I wanted to know is why we still think about the ones who aren't good for us,when we know they aren't.Wow guess some people aren't happy unless they are cutting someone else down. [/quote.] You put your self as slinging target of your thread Why do *we* women do this to ourselves? I can understand why some women feathers are ruffled for they don't think the way you do. If I were you and I want sympathy,I 'll go to the Bar and buy booze for every one until they are drunk, and if they don't conform of my diatribe and whines I'll smack them silly.............:  | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:08:20 PM |
Dang.. good question.. the more aloof a guy is sometimes.. the more attracted some women are... I think its because we're people pleasers... and want to make everyone happy.... at our expense...
Bingo.
One of the hardest things for us sometimes, is learning to detach better. Men seem to be better at this then us. (maybe not all, but most seem that way) They get less emotionally involved with women they sleep with, whereas for us, it's harder not to let emotions get in the way.
Detach and move on. If he's not into you, that's not going to change. Cut your losses. Spend more time and energy on someone who is truly into you, instead of wasting time on someone who will never be. | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:08:46 PM |
Why keep a grip on a smelly, rotten, messy apple, when all you have to do is drop it, and open your arms to a nice healthy one to drop in your hands?
Ok lame annallogy but ya get the point?
I don't think it was 'that' lame of an analogy , Miska...I don't ...and it did get the point across , that's for sure! I think the part about opening your arms so a nice healthy one could just magically 'drop' into that safe warm embrace is a bit...ummm..how shall I say......dreamy & myopic though. folly, perhaps??
Sometimes, ya just gotta drop the apple, wipe the messy shIt on your pants, and walk away with class....just step away from the apple.......slowly now...you can do it. good one.
Lmao Akimmbo I was trying to go for nice..................give me points for trying lol.Besides why wipe your hands on your pants? Wipe your hands on the ground, why ruin a nice pair of pants | |
|
| Why do we women do this to ourselves?
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:35:10 PM |
So, knowing all this, why do I still hold on? Why am I not just telling him not to contact me anymore? Why do I keeping hoping that he will see how lucky he would be to have me, knowing that if he hasn't seen it already, he's not going to?
perhapy you are a woman, who has her own life in her own hands and makes her own decisions.....I can not see any weakness in that, can you? If you say yes, then the society rules your life!!! | |
|
|
| Page 4 of 6
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 |
|
Home
login 
