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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 10:00:51 PM | | This is exactly what I was thinking. He sounds a lot like my ex, who has been diagnosed with BPD. My ex wants a relationship with the right woman but because of BPD, he has the same dating patterns with everyone. Starts out full-throttle and can literally change in hours. We are just now getting to know each other for who we really are, it took almost 2 years for our friendship to develop to this level-and yes, it is still an on/off friendship. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 10:32:57 PM | | this could be many things, but its probably the one that will get me in trouble to say but what the hay. he probably is looking for a ltr but not with you, but he'll probably sleep with you till he finds the one he wants. this is just a theory of mine, but basically i think men are more realistic these days about what their capable of getting. a guy who is a 5 cant go to a bar and have a bunch of drunk horny women who are 7's and 8's trying to take us home. i think women get confused about their capabilities due to bars and nightclubs, and often dont grow out of being bounced around till they have a moment of self realization, which sometimes never happens. espescially with todays independent woman who is just as happy to be single and live the perpetuated bachelorret lifestyle. maybe i read to much into this and its your personality or something else, but being a guy i know every guy basically has 3 grades of women, those he would date, those he would f^@%, and those he would f#@$ as long as noone found out. i could give you the sugar coated version, but this is probably the one. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/8/2009 10:44:20 PM | Okay...
Lets break this down into terms most can understand...
Back in the day. Lets roll back the clock to 1970.
Doodlie doo. Doodlie doo. Doodlie doo. (Wayne's World reference)
McDonald's was known as the golden arches. A gazillion hamburgers served.
It was one of the few fast food restaurants at that time. Everyone loved it. Tasted like home. I was much younger then but I can honestly say the food was better.
Now?
There is one on every street corner. If not McDonald's, then one just like it. Chicken or beef... Tacos? It is still just meat.
You?
You gave your hamburgers away for free to the Ham-burgler.
Whimpy said... "I'll glady pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today."
Get it? | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/9/2009 6:07:57 AM | | You didn't do anything wrong. He probably just met somebody else or went back with an Ex or something. You're blaming yourself needlessly. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/9/2009 6:40:41 AM | OP, believe it or not, it's possible for two people to both want long term relationships, but not with each other. It's even possible for one of them to want a long term relationship with another person who does not feel the same way after a while. You aren't guaranteed to be free of risk just because you are looking for a long term relationship and you met someone who is also looking for a long term relationship.
At this point I'm going WTF...I did everything you asked me to do, jumped through every hoop you asked me to jump through to prove that I wanted to be with you. This is a two-two and half month period. My question is, what did I do wrong.
Your answer is contained in your question. You jumped through hoops to prove something. If you were a match, you would have done those things because doing them is what you would do naturally (and vice-versa), so neither of you would feel like what you were doing for the other was hoop jumping. You should have recognized you weren't a match and bailed out the first time you felt like you were jumping through a hoop to prove something. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/9/2009 6:41:43 AM | | Just because a relationship ends does *not* mean it failed. Every relationship has a beginning, and every one of them except the last one will have an ending. We're all pretty much looking for an LTR -- it's just that not every relationship works out to be one. It's up to us to decide how well those other relationships end. We can decide to keep the good memories to buoy us up and press on, or we can label them as failures and let them drag us a little lower each time. It's a choice. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/9/2009 6:47:48 AM | why do you give a croik what went wrong.. you are still a prisoner of what was. in what is.. you are living something that doesn't exist while giving yourself a good smashing over the brain stem doing it.. life moves along .. live it while it is happening caus it don't happen again.. kid..
The only thing going wrong now is that you need to begin to embrace your life ... your needs and your inner being and passion and move along.. you think hooting is only for the dumper... come on stop playing victim in your life and get out there and live.... cause dead comes quicker than you can count to a hundred.. never stop enjoying your life because you taught yourself to .. now unteach it and get into enjoying you .. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/9/2009 7:19:56 AM |
Just because a relationship ends does *not* mean it failed. Every relationship has a beginning, and every one of them except the last one will have an ending. We're all pretty much looking for an LTR -- it's just that not every relationship works out to be one
That, of course, is the real answer.
However, it runs counter to the notions of all those who need to bash men, who have invented all sorts of nefarious "reasons", from "married player", to "user", to emotionally disordered.
The POF fora are an amazing universe, where every man is "bad" for one reason or another.  | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/9/2009 7:37:30 AM | You let him dictate how the relationship would proceed, the brakes on, brakes off tells me you were waiting for him to tell you if he wanted you and everytime he came back you took him back.
Yes, because she had no choice, or felt she had none, if she wanted him in her life. He kept her on eggshells, once that pattern of abandonment is started, the fear is always there, which only perpetuates it.
What you've described sounds more like a man who was interested in having a good time than building a relationship.
All men and women want to have a good time. Nobody wants a relationship that isn't fun (from what I've been reading). That's the easy part. The hard part is caring enough about each other for the relationship to have substance, and that means willingness to go beyond the good times and fun.
You know, it's what he DOES that matters
Yes, and does NOT do.
You chose to focus on the good times rather than times he left you high and dry. Don't focus on the good times, don't focus on the bad times, focus on BOTH. Keep your eyes open. Accept the good and the bad so you can see clearly and stay grounded in reality.
Yep.
it's possible for two people to both want long term relationships, but not with each other. It's even possible for one of them to want a long term relationship with another person who does not feel the same way after a while. You aren't guaranteed to be free of risk just because you are looking for a long term relationship and you met someone who is also looking for a long term relationship.
I agree with this but I also agree, going so far as to tell her parents he's in love with their daughter, then vamoosing, sounds like there's a screw loose somewhere.
kicker was when he told my parents he was falling in love with me. Was that the booze talking? I'd like to think not, but hmmmmmm.
You imply he was under the influence when he told your parents this, and also that he broke up one time because he felt there was too much partying. When there's a lot of anxiety involved in a relationship, sometimes one or both parties do drink too much... | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/9/2009 7:42:58 AM |
then again the breaks come one. You're too much into partying, we are in a different place.
Sounds like he had reasons why he wasn't into you as much as he wanted to be. Just because a person wants an LTR, doesn't mean they are going to settle for the first thing that comes along. It does seem a bit strange that he told your parents he was falling for you though. (Maybe it WAS the alcohol talking as you said.) Maybe he was confused. I've had feelings for someone I knew was bad for me and walked away. It wasn't easy, but it was the right thing to do... For me. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/9/2009 8:00:01 AM | Where you are doing yourself a disservice is in wondering. He either found out he was not ready for a relationship or that no matter how he looked at it, a relationship with you was not the right fit. You want to know what you did wrong because you still want him, realize he is not the right guy for you and find someone who is. Your choice whether you see this as him doing you a favor or his hurting you when you didn't deserve it.
You are now free to look for the right guy, he isn't it. If you get past your hurt you will likely see many undesirable qualities in this man including his inability to know his own mind or his manipulative behavior to sustain the relationship for the sex. Either way it doesn't matter, find someone who is a better person and better suited to you. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/9/2009 8:06:07 AM | Unfortunately, the world is full of people like this. This type of person is non-committal, runs hot and cold and usually gets hot and heavy right away then backs way off or disappears. They claim not to want drama, but tend to create in every situation they are in.
You didn't do anything wrong except believe his BS. He was most likely seeing other women at the same time playing the same game with all of them. It's been my experience that people like this enjoy the ego boost of having people like yourself "jump through hoops" for the them. He wants to be friends with you, so he can keep you around and in the next week or month when he gets bored again or can't get laid, he'll start back up with the relationship BS with you. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/9/2009 8:16:35 AM | You both rushed the “getting to know you process”. From the gate, you both behaved the way a couple would if they already knew one another. As he began to actually get to know you, he began applying the brakes, because he was starting to suspect that you and he (for whatever reason) were a mismatch. It took him eight weeks or so to finally KNOW that you and he were not meant to be (it also probably took his nads eight weeks to descend and thus free up his throat, so he could actually TELL you that he’s not interested  ).
What did you do wrong? IMO, you rushed the "getting to know you process". | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/9/2009 8:36:17 AM |
I started seeing a guy from here, that I thought was my match. From our first date, we were together every day/night, then one day, the brakes are on, so for a week or so, we just talked on the phone and didn't see each other. Then it goes back to the spending alot of time together, then again the breaks come one. You're too much into partying, we are in a different place. So, we're back to talking on the phone, seeing each other once in a while, then we're back to a good place...had one of the best weekends together we'd had, just really had a good time, he even ordered lingerie for me. I go away on business for a week, we stay in touch. The day before I come home, I get a text message, looking forward to seeing you, going to the market, gonna get what you like. Twenty four hours later, I get a phone call, when I'm 1,000 miles away, and get the you know...I've been thinking, I think we are in two different places, I just don't feel about you the way you do about me. I'm really sorry baby, I was going to wait until you got home, but just thought I'd do it.
At this point I'm going WTF...I did everything you asked me to do, jumped through every hoop you asked me to jump through to prove that I wanted to be with you. This is a two-two and half month period. My question is, what did I do wrong...he claims I did nothing, wants to be friends and still talk. Do you guys just say that stuff to ease your conscience? To this day, I still have no idea what went wrong, what I did, nothing. For those of you that want a LTR, and no head games....why don't you practice what you preach. Now I'm dealing with a broken heart and he's having a hoot. WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
OP: When you meet someone that you appear to "click" with - you're so elated that you do whatever it takes to please them (and somewhat losing your better judgement).
He was putting on his "brakes" way too many times and that was a "red flag". You don't "do whatever they ask of you, jump through every hoop they ask to jump through" to prove a thing. You aren't a show dog. You have to be more conscious of their actions, and make sure they correlate with their words.
This is the chance we all take - I'm sure most of us have had this type of experience. So you really didn't do a thing wrong. You are a woman who is seeking out a life partner, and unfortunately this man was not the one.
Best,
 | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/9/2009 8:41:04 AM | | I think Lil Brooker in msg 20 is right. You need to consider the fact that he may suffer from BPD. I have had experience with that in my last relationship and what you describe is very familiar to me. It doesn't make it any easier to handle, but at least you can stop blaming yourself. Just because he has a problem doesn't mean that you have done something wrong. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/9/2009 8:46:02 AM | | You made yourself to available to him. You teach people how to treat you. I would recommend dating more than one guy at a time. Take time to get to know them with out sex involved. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/9/2009 8:58:16 AM | Like the song, "So sad to belong to someone else, when the right one comes along."
That happens a lot, so take more time choosing your next one, and he may be a
keeper. Don't depend on someone else to make you happy. Happiness has to come from inside ourself. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/9/2009 11:37:31 PM |
You let him dictate how the relationship would proceed, the brakes on, brakes off tells me you were waiting for him to tell you if he wanted you and everytime he came back you took him back.
Yes, because she had no choice, or felt she had none, if she wanted him in her life. He kept her on eggshells, once that pattern of abandonment is started, the fear is always there, which only perpetuates it.
We always have a choice. If she felt she had none, she was wrong.
He didn't keep her on egg shells, she kept herself on egg shells. Maybe she didn't know better but now hopefully she knows.
If not, she will experience this again and again.
I'm aware of the pattern of abandonment, but it's ignorance that perpetuates the cycle; that and lack of self esteem. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 8:59:44 AM | | Yes, you're right, Ameera, I worded it wrong. I meant if she wanted him in her life at all, she really had no choice but to accept him under his terms. Of course, she had a choice to not have him in her life. In my opinion he created the walking on eggshell effect and fear of abandonment due to his actions, and even though she chose to give him the benefit of the doubt, the repercussions of that behavior would be felt by anybody who chose to do so. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 10:15:52 AM | I think I have LTR as my relationship goal too... but not with everyone I meet!
The first several months are the getting to know each other phase, not the commitment phase.
Next time, it might be you who pulls the plug.
It happens.
It's not what you did wrong -- don't give yourself that much credit (or control). | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 10:25:45 AM | many PEOPLE say LTR because they want to bait a decent person into their trap and throw you away like trash when the truth is that they are players AND will NOT have a LTR ******ever~~~~~NOT AT ALL~~~LTR is written in there as a lie to defraud us | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 10:31:53 AM |
What you've described sounds more like a man who was interested in having a good time than building a relationship.
You shouldn't BUILD relationships.
You should BUY relationships.
You should date people who are highly interested in you and everything you are about from the very beginning.
When you go to buy a car, you know what you want. If a car has a bunch of dumb features you don't care about, is extra expensive, or is an SUV when you wanted a sedan, you don't buy it. And you don't walk into the lot and fully customize the thing. You buy it as is, because that is what you want.
You should do the same with relationships. What's the point of building a relationship? You're taking someone not that interested in you, doesn't know much about you, and trying to mold them to do what you want them to do. You're artificially making someone interested in you who wasn't genuinely interested in you and your interests to start with. If you start negotiating things too soon, you just really aren't compatible, so a few months or years later why are you so SHOCKED that the facade vanishes and people get sick of compromising? Compromise is such a lot of crap usually anyway. The real goal is to create a win-win situation, not where both people have to give up something that they'll eventually start to resent anyway. Dating someone who likes most of what you like and talk about what you like to talk about and thinks about things largely the same things you like to think about IS the win-win situation. You are wasting time on people inherently not compatible with what you want to begin with and then wondering why things go to hell.
This building a relationship thing is one the things that is the biggest amount of bunk in popular relationship psychology. I'm going to stick with the women that instantly click with me and love to do every idea i come up with. Most of us have met a number of people we INSTANTLY were high interested in and vice versa. All relationships should start that way otherwise you're going to do your little mind games, psychological tricks, and changing yourself in order to compromise against what you really want in order to bump that other's interest level up and eventually you'll relax and the other's interest levels will taper back down. But a naturally sky high interest level to start with is FAR more likely to stay there for a long, long, long time.
This is why i don't date lukewarm women and recommend that men online date as i say. Quickly email, get number, set up date on phone, get off phone quickly, meet up, and lead like a MAN. If a woman doesn't naturally follow along with that because she thinks you look like an awesome guy who tingles her special parts WHO CARES because they're simply not interested enough in you or they'd do it. Women will crawl through landmines and under barbed wire fence to **** the right man. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 10:35:23 AM | I think Lil Brooker in msg 20 is right. You need to consider the fact that he may suffer from BPD.
There are very specific criteria for diagnosing BPD, or any personality disorder, laid out in the DSM-IV. A mental health professional, familiar with the disorder, would need to find that a person meets at least 7 of the 10 criteria to suggest a diagnosis.
Even if the OPs subjective description is totally accurate, the only trait suggested is that he has some inconsistency of mood, or blows hot and cold.
There was no suggestion on any level of self-mutilation or attempted suicide, no suggestion of uncontrollable fits of rage, no suggestion of disassociate episodes, no suggestion of substance abuse, no suggestion of little or no sense of self-identity, no suggestion of intense mood swings, no suggestion of intense abandonment fears. and so on.
BPD is a serious disorder, and those who have been in relationships know what a living hell it can be. It trivializes the seriousness of the issue to do "from the hip" diagnoses of people who simply arent sure of their feelings in a romantic relationship, and "suggest" that they are BPD. In fact, it would be rare to have BPD show itself so early in a relationship.
This is simply what it is, an example of someone who was quickly "into" someone, and then, as the initial infatuation started to wear off, had second thoughts. It's hurtful, of course, but there's no reason to suggest mental or emotional illness. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 10:38:09 AM |
It's hurtful, of course, but there's no reason to suggest mental or emotional illness.
He doesn't love me so he must be crazy seems like a valid diagnosis... (please pass the prozac)  | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 10:48:46 AM |
He doesn't love me so he must be crazy seems like a valid diagnosis... (please pass the prozac)
And the danger in that "approach" is that, in deciding that it was "all because he's bad", one avoids looking at him/herself and asking "what could I do differently in the future, so as to not repeat this experience?" | |
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