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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 10:48:46 AM |
He doesn't love me so he must be crazy seems like a valid diagnosis... (please pass the prozac) 
And the danger in that "approach" is that, in deciding that it was "all because he's bad", one avoids looking at him/herself and asking "what could I do differently in the future, so as to not repeat this experience?" | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 11:11:50 AM |
: I think Lil Brooker in msg 20 is right. You need to consider the fact that he may suffer from BPD.
There are very specific criteria for diagnosing BPD, or any personality disorder, laid out in the DSM-IV. A mental health professional, familiar with the disorder, would need to find that a person meets at least 7 of the 10 criteria to suggest a diagnosis.
Ren....it's 5 out of 9 criteria....not 7 out of 10.....geez..... | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 4:08:53 PM |
I think Lil Brooker in msg 20 is right. You need to consider the fact that he may suffer from BPD.
Even if the OPs subjective description is totally accurate, the only trait suggested is that he has some inconsistency of mood, or blows hot and cold.
There was no suggestion on any level of self-mutilation or attempted suicide, no suggestion of uncontrollable fits of rage, no suggestion of disassociate episodes, no suggestion of substance abuse, no suggestion of little or no sense of self-identity, no suggestion of intense mood swings, no suggestion of intense abandonment fears. and so on.
BPD is a serious disorder, and those who have been in relationships know what a living hell it can be. It trivializes the seriousness of the issue to do "from the hip" diagnoses of people who simply arent sure of their feelings in a romantic relationship, and "suggest" that they are BPD. In fact, it would be rare to have BPD show itself so early in a relationship.
It's hurtful, of course, but there's no reason to suggest mental or emotional illness.
I prefaced my post that it was a "long shot". However, it is worthwhile that the OP look up the disorder to see if she recognizes other traits that she didn't mention. It sounds like she is painfully bewildered and I've been in the same place. When someone directed me to investigate BPD, it helped me make sense out of the utter insensibility of my BPD relationship. I think it actually saved my mind.
The person who suggested BPD in my relationship, was on a discussion forum for bipolars. I am eternally grateful to her and will pay forward. EVERYTIME that I read something that *may* be BPD, I will give a heads up. I do this in gratitude.
And BTW, I think self-mutilation is an over-rated criteria of BPD. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 4:14:42 PM |
Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Why do we say "I love you" then drift away?
I think most people have good intentions, however there is no rule as to how long the same intentions will last. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 4:34:16 PM | edit
Went back and read some more .. :(
I wanted to make it work so bad. The kicker was when he told my parents he was falling in love with me. Was that the booze talking? I'd like to think not, but hmmmmmm.
Hun .. if you gotta ask .. ya know? Specially now he's out of the picture .. looks like maybe it was 'the booze talking'. Either way .. Let their Actions be what guides your heart - not those hollow drunk words..
booze sucks | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 5:02:45 PM |
BTW, I think self-mutilation is an over-rated criteria of BPD.
My comment wasn't really directed at you, LilBrooker, so much as a subsequent poster who said, I believe, that "he may well be BPD"
"Mine" was a "cutter", which she tried to hide, being a very "high functioning" BPD with a professional career (social worker, believe it or not). The thing about cutters is, it's the one trait that is an extremely strong symptom. There aren't very many other conditions that lead people to cut themselves, and the one that put the lie to her explanation that she was just PTSD.
You're right, though, just cuz someone isn't a cutter, does not rule out BPD.
In any case, my "take" on the OP was not to suspect a personality disorder. A bit immature, possibly, but someone who floated off on the wings of love into a fantasy world, that once reality set in, just wasn't that into it. It happens a lot with "hopeless romantics",especially younger people. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 5:14:36 PM | This fellow is pulling your string and playing yo-yo with you. He may be unclear about how he feels about you. He may be a commitment fobe. He may as one fellow stated be interested in a LTR but not with you. What I am interested in is why you are letting him pull the strings.? Why are you jumping through every hoop? Also the three month mark is often when one or the other will bail from a relationship. Ask yourself this, do you really want to be in a relationship with a fellow who texts you while you are away and breaks up with you ?
He has no b***s and no respect for you. Throw that big old ugly fish back in the pond and go fishing again. And next time move a little more slowly. Good luck.
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 8:26:16 PM |
In my opinion he created the walking on eggshell effect and fear of abandonment due to his actions, and even though she chose to give him the benefit of the doubt, the repercussions of that behavior would be felt by anybody who chose to do so.
Yeah, I get what you're saying. What I really hate is when someone triggers someone's abandonment issues by behaving dishonestly or in a shady manner and then accuses the person for their reaction, i.e. What is YOUR problem? WHATTTTTT are you making a big deal out of? WHHHHHY are you over-reacting? DON'T be so sensitive . . .
I can go on and on -- blech! | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 8:54:41 PM | | more often than not, men say they want LTR's because a they think it will improve their chances of having a relationship with a woman. some of us will say anything just to get the ball rolling. some women seem to make it a condition of whether or not they will talk to a guy. if you ask me, I say just start talking to some one you think you might like and see what it turns into. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 9:01:45 PM | | also, one should only do what they like to do. if one is beginning to know another, and beginning to care about what that other likes, and wants to endear him/her self to that other person, then maybe you do something you think that person might like. it's an educated guess. hopefully if you cared enough and paid enough attention, you guess right and did that thing in just the right way and you two found some harmony. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 9:02:45 PM |
more often than not, men say they want LTR's because a they think it will improve their chances of having a relationship with a woman. some of us will say anything just to get the ball rolling. some women seem to make it a condition of whether or not they will talk to a guy. if you ask me
In the "prime time" of dating, most of us just let things unfold. We dated, and fell in love, and while love, most of the time, doesn't last, sooner or later we met someone where love didn't fade out. So we married, had children, and raised families.
That's sort of the natural process. To want a LTR, and to know, instinctively, that it will come with the one person, with whom a whole lot of "todays" just string together, until it's a very natural thing to join lives, hoping it will last forever.
Somehow, though, there are those who think that they can determine if it will last "til death us do part", out of fear, that they'll never find "the one". Those who are controlled by their fears, tend to make that the priority, and become very controlling.
In any case, I don't know anyone, not one single example, of someone who found that relationship that leads to marriage, based on "calculation". It's emotion, influenced by wisdom, of course, but ultimately relationships are about feelings. Those who do find "it", are those who let it happen, rather than trying to control it. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 9:13:55 PM | | You did nothing wrong! Welcome to america! Now a days american men see marriage love relationships marriage ltr as a fate worse than death. Just look at popculture. They just don't care and don't want responsibility. But by the same token they wanna remain friends after its over so that they can think they own you and get some as a friends with benefits booty call. Truth of the matter is they just don't care about anyone but themselves and their pedros! | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 9:26:56 PM |
Now a days american men see marriage love relationships marriage ltr as a fate worse than death. Just look at popculture. They just don't care and don't want responsibility. But by the same token they wanna remain friends after its over so that they can think they own you and get some as a friends with benefits booty call. Truth of the matter is they just don't care about anyone but themselves and their pedros
Anyone trapped in her own negativity of anger and bitterness towards men, is not available to be loved in an emotionally healthy relationships? What is the point of coming onto a dating site, and making a post that demonizes the opposite sex? | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/10/2009 10:36:18 PM |
Yeah, I get what you're saying. What I really hate is when someone triggers someone's abandonment issues by behaving dishonestly or in a shady manner and then accuses the person for their reaction, i.e. What is YOUR problem? WHATTTTTT are you making a big deal out of? WHHHHHY are you over-reacting? DON'T be so sensitive . . .
I know what you're saying Ameerra, but people shouldn't get into relationships with they have issues that can be triggered at any time...sounds like a time bomb... | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/11/2009 12:32:34 AM | Ameera...
Couldn't have said it better!!!
Also, SassyBoricua, you hit the nail on the head.
OP. you did everything that most of the men on here say they want. No games, instant sex, pleasing personality, good job, nice looks, and it got you tossed...
I don't blame you for feeling confused....now you will begin the process of learning..
1. Do not become a FWB with him. You think you feel bad now? If you become one, you will eventually feel worse than what you do now. You will literally starve on the crumbs he throws you. Close the door on him.
2. A LTR takes quite awhile to develop. Think about it. How can you KNOW someone and who they really are in one day? How can you fall in love with a person, a stranger, in one day? Yes...you can have instant mutual attraction....but love takes longer because you yet have to find the things about him to love....and vice-versa for him.
3. You do not have to prove to any man that you want him. If he really wanted you to be his LTR, he would be there with bells on, whistles blowing and your happiness is his utmost concern.
4. Learn how women with solid gold self-esteem handle men, sex and relationships. I am talking about decent women and how successful they are with decent men. Look around you in the real live world.
(Any woman can have sex with any man...any day. You don't want to swim in that realm.)
Good Luck! | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/11/2009 7:06:27 AM | I'm 'hoping' to find a LTR .. maybe here, maybe there .. However - I do know that a Good, Healthy Long Term Relationship starts with both people being 'healthy' (emotionally) .. and whole - adults = 2 'complete' people. It takes those 2 people taking the Time to "Get to Know each other" .. to do things Together - and apart.
It takes time to 'know' IF he or she is 'the one' you want to be in that LTR with. Sometimes after getting acquainted 'enough' one or both parties know it isn't going to 'work out' .. bummer when it's only one person who wants out / one person who wants to keep it (whatever it is) going. Rare but nice when Both are on the same page, in the same book .. then the majic happens ..
I don't know this guy, so I'm not going to toss around labels like BPD ..  - IMO just because someone doesn't want 'me' doesn't mean they're cRaZy! and just because I don't see a future with 'you' doesn't make me CrAzY either ..
IF every man who wanted a LTR was a match for every woman who wants a LTR - we wouldn't be on dating sites and we wouldn't be ogling the produce manager! lol ..
We humans meet, we sometimes click .. for a bit .. and sometimes it just fizzles out .. doesn't really matter why .. but again - When someone can walk away from you - Let them go.
It might be hard to let go of that fantasy .. that coulda been .. but you owe it to yourself to do that . .. so you are Free for when 'Mr. Right for you' comes along...
good luck ..
oh .. p.s. - and what daisypetals said :) | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/11/2009 7:19:36 AM |
From our first date, we were together every day/night .....Here lies your mistake. You made yourself too available to him. You did not give him the chance to miss you and think about you because you were available whenever he needed you to be.
Too much too soon is never a good thing.
he even ordered lingerie for me. .....And what does that tell you?
The kicker was when he told my parents he was falling in love with me. Was that the booze talking? I'd like to think not, but hmmmmmm. .....I would say 'yep' twas the booze. Nice meal, nice company and parents to impress.....The next day doesn't really matter to a guy who isn't ALL that into you.
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/11/2009 8:35:00 AM | | I'm with forumfilly - re read ameera's post over and over. Instamacy. He probably does want long term - who doesn't - EVENTUALLY. That's how it gets long term. But it sounds like he was falling in love with the "you" he had built you up in his mind to be rather than the "you" you actually are. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/11/2009 9:11:42 AM |
My comment wasn't really directed at you, LilBrooker, so much as a subsequent poster who said, I believe, that "he may well be BPD"
"Mine" was a "cutter", which she tried to hide, being a very "high functioning" BPD with a professional career (social worker, believe it or not). The thing about cutters is, it's the one trait that is an extremely strong symptom. There aren't very many other conditions that lead people to cut themselves, and the one that put the lie to her explanation that she was just PTSD.
You're right, though, just cuz someone isn't a cutter, does not rule out BPD.
In any case, my "take" on the OP was not to suspect a personality disorder. A bit immature, possibly, but someone who floated off on the wings of love into a fantasy world, that once reality set in, just wasn't that into it. It happens a lot with "hopeless romantics",especially younger people.
Not all BPD are cutters...I don't cut. I know two BPD's who cut...both are MEN. If the cutting doesn't get out of hand, it releases unwanted pent up emotion, and then can be covered up, so no one has to be the wiser......men, and high functioners IMO make up the majority of cutters.
Now to LTR's....
Many years ago, people would date for a few years....maybe go through a few "girl/boyfriends" then settle down and get married. This enabled them to leave home, have sex whenever they wanted, and for the man, concentrate on his career, and for the woman, become a homemaker, and bear children......(under normal conditions)
NOW...the PLAN has kind of, but not entirely gone out the window for alot of people...not all people, but alot of people. Women are much more hardwired for LTR's than men, these days IMO. Men know there're lots of fish in the pond, but women are taught that she can only be with one fish, or she's a 'ho'. This creates confusion for both men and women.
The thing is....LTR can mean lots of things these days.....exclusivity, more committed than FWB, spending the weekends together, dinner, movie and sex on Wednesday night.....whatever you want LTR to mean.
Times have changed.....
And OP....if you have abandonment issues, you need to deal with them. Sorry, but it isn't up to him to "anticipate" your anxiety, it's up to you to get rid of the anxiety. Please stop making yourself sick over this stuff..... | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/11/2009 9:31:34 AM | | There are a lot of great comments regarding this question. My advise is first and foremost you have to be happy with who you are, true to yourself, make YOU happy first and the rest comes naturally. Don't be what he wants you to be. It really stinks because you seem to be a compassionate person and we(me included) tend to get taken advantage of, by men like him. Don't be so willing and able to be at his becon call. Be selfish but not to the point of being self center! Does that make sense! It has taken many heartaches to finally come to the conclusion that no one makes me as happy as I can make myself. Your are in charge of your own happiness. My best to you. | |
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| Why do men say LTR if they don't mean it?
Posted: 7/11/2009 9:32:12 AM | WOW cmdrfunk, are you serious?
You don't BUILD relationships?!
You BUY relationships?!
LOL
That post was like the worst advice I have ever read.
You speak of instantly "clicking" with someone. I'm sorry, but you're NOT going to like EVERYTHING about someone you're with. You're living in a fantasy world. The man I'm with right now...he's awesome...we like the same music, we like to do the same things, we have the same sense of humor (sarcastic), etc... but there are little things that I don't like about him, and I'm sure he doesn't like some things about me. Do you honestly believe that you're going to find someone who "matches" you on every level and nothing is wrong with this person? That's a bunch of mushy "soul-mate" hogwash! 
Being in a relationship is sometimes about compromising. Why? Because everything is NOT ABOUT YOU. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices, and do things you might not want to do, just to make the one you're with happy. It's the same with having a child. It's not about YOU anymore, but about making them happy. And yes, you have to "BUILD" a relationship. This does not mean forcing a square into a circle. This simply means that you get to know and trust one another over time, and you do what you can to make the other person happy.
There's a quote that I really like, can't recall who said it...
"The essence of true love is not finding a perfect lover but loving an imperfect person."
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