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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/15/2009 2:07:38 PM | And I'm sure that this will bring the old "I won't settle" statement from somebody.It's always amusing that people who won't "settle" seem to forget that somebody is very likely "settling" for them.
To that I say I'd rather be single forever than have someone settle for me. What's the point? No one should settle - if you enjoy your own company, why have less of a good time just to pair off with someone (most likely because others think you should)? Someone who doesn't make your life worse or actually adds to the happiness it already is should be the only solution IF you're going to travel thru life with someone at all.
Like I stated earlier,it would be easier to live your life to best of your ability WITH somebody than it would be to make endless excuses of why being alone is better.
No one is alone - lots of people are single. Alone is having no friends, no family, no neighbors, coworkers, aquaintances, no strangers they might run into. It's essentially solitary confinement, and not many live that way outside prison.
Single does not = alone. Not by a long shot. Sounds nice and dramatic,tho.
Anyway, "single" is better than dating just anyone, or someone you're not happy with. Single MIGHT be better for some, and not great for others. Everyone is different about this. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/15/2009 2:45:59 PM | | Why does someone have to make an excuse why being alone is better? Last time I thought about making excuses for anything was when I left my parent's home which was a long time ago. People tend to make excuses for things when they mess up or don't do something they are supposed to. Maybe we who are alone are smart enough to know that we don't want to be in a mess or do things that we were not supposed to do. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/15/2009 2:52:16 PM | My mom and aunt swear by it being much better! They don't have to and I quote, "put up with men's shit." It always makes me laugh. They have been there and done that and have a wonderful life the way they are.
I live my life and don't need a man. I enjoy having a man in my life to share with; however, I have never had a man that I needed. I don't know why people say that wanting and needing are interchangeable. I have companionship without a man, but prefer to share with a man. And as I have said before, never had a man do crap for me around the house. Of course my children are different because I am their mother, but they certainly aren't the same as having a man in my life.
My boy friend came into my life when I wasn't dating. I made an exception for him after emailing with him for about a month. I wanted him in my life, but no need. I desire him, but don't need him. Humans do need love, but you don't have to have the love of a lover to live.
Get fired from a job and see how much they needed you. The business doesn't close. Your position is filled pretty darned fast now days either by others absorbing your job or they higher someone else. It isn't you that they need. They just need the job done. Some times the job is better once an employee is fired because he is impeding the work of others, making their lives miserable. I know that my life got better when I kicked my ex out...yeah, he was fired And not too amazingly there is less work with him gone. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/15/2009 3:43:35 PM | I wonder..If the quest is so elusive....when do you know it's over?
But we don't want 'a' man, we want 'the' man...the one with whom both our lives will be enriched. There might be considerably more than just one candidate,we aren't talking about dreaming the impossible dream or looking for a needle in a haystack here. Do you ever even give anyone a chance? Are you looking for the gleam of the needle or the sharpness...do both matter? What happen's if the gleam is masked by another shade? What if the sharpness is honed over time?
In short....are you cutting out the chaffe?....or are you cutting out the first cut along with the chaffe? Is the past effecting the ability to know the difference????I'd say that by the responses of many...men and women...that the past is a great indicator of what the future brings...Do you have it in you to break the cycle? | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/15/2009 3:53:31 PM |
Get fired from a job and see how much they needed you. The business doesn't close. Your position is filled pretty darned fast now days either by others absorbing your job or they higher someone else. It isn't you that they need. They just need the job done. Some times the job is better once an employee is fired because he is impeding the work of others, making their lives miserable. I know that my life got better when I kicked my ex out...yeah, he was fired And not too amazingly there is less work with him gone.
I think a piece of this is what might be disturbing under all of this discussion of want/need.
Are relationships so disposable today that you'll end up with your azz fired rather than finding someone who will be your partner through the fire?
Is someone who "only wants" you more or less likely to fire your azz??? (Mind you, I sure wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want me anymore than I'd want to be with someone who was needy. Finding the balance is key as always.)
(BTW, I'm not disagreeing with you about your point... just using it to leap off to the thought I was struck with whilst reading it). | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/15/2009 5:13:21 PM | I say pantaloons spake OP to your rational and here is the hows and why in wicked story format bereft of morals and with a modicum of sense - [providing thee look hard.
I took out my frequency measuring daffodil - of need/needed, and donned my tinfoil hat and communicated telepathically with said flower of daftness. Do we all need to be needed. And the answer that fluffy yellow flower of delight derived at was we all need to be needed. ..which is where i got lost and posed my next question what is love afore it demanded a feeding of manure.
So erm to summarise, its always there irrespective of what people say, save cunning androids.
The frequency (for want of a better word) and amplitude varies from person to person. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/15/2009 6:38:03 PM | | ^^^^^Or she is tired supporting the man, walking on egg shells, kissing his butt, cleaning up after his lazy butt, watching him run around, calling being home with his own children baby sitting, yelling, screaming at said children, mental and verbal abuse etc. etc. I am sure many women have been there. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/15/2009 6:51:48 PM |
I took out my frequency measuring daffodil - of need/needed, and donned my tinfoil hat and communicated telepathically with said flower of daftness. Do we all need to be needed. And the answer that fluffy yellow flower of delight derived at was we all need to be needed. ..which is where i got lost and posed my next question what is love afore it demanded a feeding of manure.
So erm to summarise, its always there irrespective of what people say, save cunning androids.
Erm...better put it back on, because...what is...the fact that plants need manure? You didn't really provide much 'insight' but, glad to hear you did indeed don your tinfoil hat before asking said daffodil. And yes, I did "get" where you were trying to go with that. A-B, A-B.
 
Read for that: you just contradicted yourself in a way....if your answer was astute, then the 'donning the tinfoil helmet' comment refuted that fact before anyone really read it.
I'm not trying to debate the "need vs want" thing but....for everyone who says they "need" someone...what is it exactly that you *need* about them? I'm hardly a cynic, I'm just asking. Mainly because I still fail to see why the idea of WANTING someone in their lives, as opposed to NEEDING them, is such a dirty word/concept.
Some people are perfectly content being single. Does that mean they don't/wouldn't *want* to0 have someone to share their lives with? Nope, not by any means necessarily.
So why do so many say it's better to "need" someone in that instance??? Seriously, what is the difference, if so many are willing to put down those who don't "need"? | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/15/2009 7:07:09 PM |
Then, why are so many women seemingly unable to understand that the whole "need" vs "want" discussion is really, really annoying to most men, and just shut up about it?
Then maybe men should stop bringing it up. I don't need a man, I have children that can do some of the things I am not strong enough to do and I have male friends that can do things my kids and I cannot do.
I don't need a man to survive, I survived on my own when I was single, I would like a man to share my life with and if I have a man in my life he will be satisfying some of my needs. If I needed someone beyond that I wouldn't be a partner but some type of co-depend being like the fungus that requires the tree to stay alive. I guess I envision something more like two trees that wind up growing intertwined, both are living and functioning alone but are stronger because they have chosen to fuse.
I would be happier and would experience more joy with the right man in my life but my light isn't hidden under a bushel waiting for him to show up. Life's too short for me to wait to start living it with the man I need but I do hope to be living it well when the right man shows up. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/15/2009 7:14:42 PM |
Some people are perfectly content being single. Does that mean they don't/wouldn't *want* to0 have someone to share their lives with? Nope, not by any means necessarily.
I guess if they are "perfectly" content being single, they wouldn't or shouldn't want to have someone share their lives. The point is, (some/a few/many of) those who claim they are "perfectly" content, are on a dating website..."wanting" a relationship...doesn't sound quite "perfectly" content...at least, not to me.
Sooo, the question that needs to be answered (when/if asked) to persons who express interest, is why? Why, if you're perfectly content alone, would you/one be on a dating site? It just reeks of denial, narcissism, emotional strife, baggage, or whatever. If that isn't the case, they will be able to explain their *want* effectively to the person inquiring.
ETA regarding:
Or she is tired supporting the man, walking on egg shells, kissing his butt, cleaning up after his lazy butt, watching him run around, calling being home with his own children baby sitting, yelling, screaming at said children, mental and verbal abuse etc. etc. I am sure many women have been there.
And hopefully, she has the common sense and guts to leave an azzhole like you describe. But to paint every male in the world with that brush? Holy crap! So, say she does leave him...you're telling me she's going to go right back out there and need/want/desire another guy just like that? Ummm, I'm thinking that one is, on her!
~ds~ | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/15/2009 7:17:05 PM | | In my experience, most any female that expresses that she is perfectly happy without a man and doesn't need a man, has been a very miserable person to be around for any length of time. There is way more to this mentality and psychology then anyone here is discussing and I'm not going to be the one to open that can of poisonous worms... | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/15/2009 7:24:46 PM | It's not about being content to be single or in a relationship - it's about being content with yourself regardless of your status. It shouldn't define you.
I'm happy to spend time with my friends or family - this doesn't mean when I'm not around them I'm miserable. When it comes to relationships, people suddenly look at that differently - but it's the same freaking deal. Can't people JUST be happy without it being questioned? In this day and age, I guess people have to provide a reason for happiness, it's too suspect to be happy with no motives.
How it's hard to understand that a woman who doesn't need a man (TO TAKE CARE OF HER, people keep forgetting that part) yet can be open to one being in her life is beyond me. If a woman doesn't expect a man to rescue or take care of her but sees him as a human being equal of her, how is this a bad thing?
Again, if you need to take care of a woman in order to define her as normal, well - let's say your problem is bigger than just "needing to be needed". Saying a woman should walk the earth alone if she doesn't need a man pretty much means you expect a woman to depend on you in order to be involved. Why does that have to be the case? | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/15/2009 7:38:50 PM |
Mainly because I still fail to see why the idea of WANTING someone in their lives, as opposed to NEEDING them, is such a dirty word/concept.
I like that I can still say I need a man in my life... more than a fear of being alone I have a fear of no longer being passionate about finding one.
Some people do get to the point where they shut down that need, and it probably comes from a lifetime of disappointment and residual anger. In most explanations of why a mate is not needed there is a story of pain attached.
I know love hurts. But to avoid loving to escape the pain would be unbearable. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/15/2009 8:43:40 PM | Can't believe I read this whole thread..lol..but, I did .. (needed a distraction...particularly bad day...re wants and needs...lol)
My own interpretation of "want" is it is transient and changes with the wind..today I wanted coffee..tomorrow I might want tea...and it is self centered in my opinion..it is about me and my whims....it also is no where near as strong an emotion as need. If I don't always get what I want...it's only mildly annoying..not getting what I need can be catastrophic...I need water, on the other hand...
I think some of the confusion still comes from the difference between "needy" and "need..needy is emotionally unhealthy and hard to live with..need is something we all have for many things..including love and human contact.
I also think that some women being so insistent on declaring they don't "need" a man is based, as others have said...on the fear that men will see them as needy or looking for someone to take care of them financially or being accused of being not emotionally healthy...
I admit to doing something really stupid on here...if enough posters and ones that I admire, keep insisting something I do, or believe is WRONG..I tend to get defensive and over react, or start questioning my value as a woman ( re: romance)...and not wanting to look bad to the opposite gender, especially those I like, I may take a more insistent stance to prove I am "ok"...valuable as a female in the dating/love sense. I think this happens with a lot of the hot button issues on here..on both sides. And in the rush to look "acceptable" maybe the underlying issues get clouded.
I have discovered that though I never lie when I post..I am not always entirely honest either , in the sense that I often post how I think I should be, or how I wish it were...not how I usually am, nor how I do adapt in real life , and am not nearly as rigid as I sound...while not wanting to deceive...ever...I do still have a self protection mechanism in place..which means I tend to post ideals, not realities...I think it has done me a disservice, and I have been misinterpreted...but, I am learning...
I am not afraid to admit I need love, and to give love...and specifically the love of a good man, and one to love back, would be great..this does not mean I couldn't live without it , I have...it means I don't want to. I do not mean being a relationship for a relationship's sake either...My last serious relationship was a long time ago...I see no reason to be in one that doesn't involve needing each other...because all the other stuff, as has been said...I can already do myself...and wanting isn't a big motivator...my wants change on a daily basis. They are fickle. Lots of men have wanted me only...short term...not satisfying.
But, because I know I have this need, I am in the dating world..online and off. I can be alone, I can support myself...blah, blah, blah...but, I'll admit it..I really don't like it. I am not unhappy...just not fulfilling all my potential...and wasting what I think is my greatest gift and asset...the ability to love someone and need them...and be half of a greater whole than myself..As fa que said..I also think I am much better in a relationship...less self centered, less inward, less complacent, more loving and giving...more "productive" for lack of a better word..at least in the sense of adding to someone specials life..having a bigger meaning than getting by and making do...
As others far wiser than me have said...needy isn't the same as need..and denying ones needs, especially vehemently or aggressively, does seem to imply a defense of some sort..or a fear..it is not a sin to to acknowledge any human need..and it isn't weak..it is actually harder to admit than to deny...because it means we aren't totally self sufficient , and are not an island unto ourselves...and maybe most of all, it means we do not have total control of our lives or what always happens in them..there are forces bigger than us...
In my opinion, anyway... | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/15/2009 8:52:35 PM |
I'm not trying to debate the "need vs want" thing but....for everyone who says they "need" someone...what is it exactly that you *need* about them? I'm hardly a cynic, I'm just asking. Mainly because I still fail to see why the idea of WANTING someone in their lives, as opposed to NEEDING them, is such a dirty word/concept.
Some people are perfectly content being single. Does that mean they don't/wouldn't *want* to0 have someone to share their lives with? Nope, not by any means necessarily.
So why do so many say it's better to "need" someone in that instance??? Seriously, what is the difference, if so many are willing to put down those who don't "need"?
How am I going to be succinct in this answer?, lol. For me it essentially boils down to:
* acknowledging a basic human need to love and be loved, to care and be cared for. The only relationship I am interested in is one where we fully share our lives and our love. Yes, most definitely I need that in a relationship.
* basic manners - I wouldn't think of telling a friend "I don't need you", nor would I imagine telling a potential friend I just met "I don't need you", nor would it cross my mind to tell a professional colleague "I don't need you". It seems, to me, kind of defeatist and ill-mannered to start off a potential relationship with someone by rudely telling them they will never have a vital place in your life. It's sort of akin to the philosophy on the forums of "if someone tells you they don't deserve you, believe them".
* Before I met my sweetie I didn't walk around telling people "I need a man in my life", so I wonder at the motivation to ensure people understand you don't need them? It seems to me it is often intended as a way of letting someone know you are healthy and happy with your life - so, if that's how you feel, why not say that? Some people ARE saying it because they don't need someone or a relationship and will never be able to fully share their lives in the way I would need my partner to. BTW, although I didn't walk around using the words "I need a man" I certainly did tell people how vital and important a relationship was to me, how much I did need to fully share my life with a special someone. << all things that spoke positively of how I envisioned the right man and I would share our lives together.
* In the forums, we often advise people not to list the negatives on their profile, to turn each one of them around into the positive expression of what you want in your life. Anything with a "don't" is a negative. When people have a hard, or *for some* a very hard time expressing positively the impact a relationship with the right person would have in their lives I just have to wonder why that is. It suggests an imbalance or a negative outlook or a lack of personal reflection or - dare I say it - issues. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/15/2009 9:00:56 PM |
I'm happy to spend time with my friends or family - this doesn't mean when I'm not around them I'm miserable.
And what if you didn't have friends and family? Can you say there's nothing they bring to your life that you don't need? You don't need their kinship, their companionship, or their love?
When it comes to relationships, people suddenly look at that differently - but it's the same freaking deal.
Indeed.
How it's hard to understand that a woman who doesn't need a man (TO TAKE CARE OF HER, people keep forgetting that part) yet can be open to one being in her life is beyond me.
Actually, I think that's the part people need to start forgetting because that's not what this is about. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/15/2009 9:04:17 PM | ItsMargo that makes sense. There are things that I need in a man, of course on top of my list was sanity. There are many quantities that I need a man to have before I would go out with him. Kimbo said this in another thread. I think it is true.
Desea atraer a la persona adecuada? Ser la persona adecuada.
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/16/2009 7:27:23 AM |
And what if you didn't have friends and family? Can you say there's nothing they bring to your life that you don't need? You don't need their kinship, their companionship, or their love?
There's a distinct difference between people who have been in my life for years, and people I've never met. So here we go again. To say you need someone in your life generally that you've never met is just weird. To say you grew to need someone who's been in your life for a long time makes more sense. I never said I didn't need specific people who have been there forever - what I said was that I am happy regardless of them being around me in the moment or not - my happiness isn't provided by them.
Actually, I think that's the part people need to start forgetting because that's not what this is about.
Men are misinterpreting women who say this, that's what this is about. That's why a lot of women find the original question to be odd. If it's in profiles or is in response to a question asked, it means "I can get along (mostly financially, partly emotionally) without a man in my life." The objective is to let men know that if we like you it's for YOU, not for what YOU PROVIDE/YOU HAVE.
Many men are taking this to be a declaration that women have banned anything with a penis from their lives. They can go on taking it that way, but it's going to be unproductive for em.
The only way a woman will need a man is when he's been around for years and she GROWS to need him specifically. To say with no man in your life that you need one is sort of declaring there's a void that you're not picky about filling. | |
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