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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/16/2009 8:41:33 PM |
I really think that women NEED to express to every man they WANT, that they don't NEED him for fvck all. See I think this is funny because my bf told me early on that he didn't want to hear me say I need him. I can say I need him to f^ck me, hold me, and things of that nature, but he had an ex that was anorexic. He couldn't help her. It was very frustrating to him from the sounds of it. But believe me, I don't let him forget I appreciate him and want him.
I think your kids always need their parents. I know I need certain qualities in a man. I am not needy. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/16/2009 8:55:31 PM | I guess it's too hard a concept for some...the difference between need and needy..and that one can be whole and their own person, and still, within a relationship, be part of that whole...and need each other...
Needing someone you love, in my opinion, is not saying dependent on them ,or unable to function without them...it is intra-dependent, not dependent...
Things just aren't that black and white...I am sooo self sufficient and independent...big whoop...I have to be...if I want to be a responsible adult...and since I live in a society that has pretty much demanded I be so...really didn't have a choice...but, I don't find it to be particularly admirable, or special...just doing what is the right thing to do...
I don't know...I think some women, and I was one of them, bought into this idea in a detrimental way...that being "equal" and independent meant not needing anyone, or , distancing ourselves from basic human emotions and the idea of men and women complimenting each other...not two wholes who live their lives separately and feel that they would be perfectly fine without that person in their lives..because they don't NEED anyone...how special is that?
No , I don't understand how to be truly intimate if I separate myself by virtue of needing to be "my own person"..in a relationship, in my opinion, I can be my own person and still acknowledge that the relationship "whole"...us together , is stronger than than either of us separately, and that strength is based on mutual need...not bad need, but good need.
I don't need anyone to validate me, support me financially, or any of the negatives that seem to be associated with that word...but, I do hope to one day be in a relationship where we need each other to make " our"whole closer and based on more than wanting a person because it's fun to have one as an aside...why would anyone want to be with someone who thought they were an option? One of many...
Besides..I have yet to meet one person that is so self confident, never with any self doubts, never needs the support of the one(s) who love them, and have no need for love , or to love. Not any non mentally ill ones, anyway...
For all the brave talk, we are, after all, human...and it would be arrogant of me to say that I am so put together, and so flawless, that I don't need anyone...and it wouldn't be true... | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/16/2009 10:15:17 PM |
Needing is a bad thing. Everyone should learn how not only to survive on their own but be happy on their own.
Wanting is a far better thing than needing. It's truer and much more flattering.
Needing isn't a bad thing, it is a human thing. Women don't need men in order to live as in just keeping breathing and to be able to feed, house and clothe themselves and men don't need women for those things, yet if we are honest we do need each other all the same.
I want both, I want a man that wants and needs me in his life. To me having a person in your life is more of an emotional need. That certain conection that can only happen between a man and a woman, and I don't mean sex. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/17/2009 4:55:58 AM |
Men and women actually do compliment each other quite nicely if the gender war stops at the door.....
And frankly, most of this crap that we are going on about goes out the door once we meet someone. Funny what lust and then love does to ya isn't it? | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/17/2009 10:25:26 AM |
Let me break it down a little deeper for ya Cap. First comes the want, then comes the love, then comes the "need"......if it is "need" only, do you really want to be with her?
When you are in love with someone, you don't want to imagine your life without them and son't we all grow a bit dependent on the relationship and our partner, or am I just weird?
You are not TOO weird, at all....
I think what a lot of women miss in the whole want/need discussion is that holding so tenaciously to WANT as the only real, valid, stance, they fail to see how many men see that position.
Many, even most, men see the statement, " I don't NEED a man, but I WANT a man," as the woman seeing the man in the same light as her desire for a new pair of shoes that will likely only be taken out of the closet once every two years or so, while the woman keeps shopping for other pairs of the latest marvelous footwear.
I, and many other men, don't WANT to be someone's accessory....
.... we'd much rather be trod on daily....
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/17/2009 10:29:18 AM | Itsallin did a good job of explaining why needing in the needy sense is not a good thing in post 405 and 413 clarified exactly how she sees needing someone factoring into a relationship.
I concur with both posts. I am independent and always have been. My mother was a schoolteacher so worked outside the home and was more independent than many of my friends' mothers growing up. If I can't do something or can't figure it out, I seek out help from a woman or a man depending on an issue, an example of how I do need people beyond my emotional needs that are met through family and friendship and also myself.
If someone asked me if I needed a man I would tell them no, but I would also tell them I would like one and I too would like to create the type of supportive relationship wherein we both grow somewhat dependent on each other but not in a dysfunctional way.
I personally like taking care of people and like people taking care of me but when you need it, I just don't think it is healthy (obviously illness/injury are different). If I cook for someone, it is not because I don't think he is capable of foraging for his own food just as he may take care of my car but he also realizes I can drive to Jiffy Lube too.
If someone shies away from me because he thinks I don't need him to do anything that is a shame because I would be happy to allow people to do many things for me that I am capable of doing myself because it would be because they want to do them in order to show that they care, duh. Why do women not get offended when a man has on his profile that he doesn't need a maid or a cook? Because we actually understand the point he is trying to make, that he may love a woman that will cook for him and wants to share in chores if cohabitation were ever to occur but he isn't looking for a woman to fulfill those needs because he is capable of doing them himself.
This commnt, this discussion, is only threatening if you have so little self-confidence that you don't think someone would want you unless they need you. At the same time, if a woman throws this out there or responds in a way that makes it a challenge, then I can understand why a man would be like, um no. Because her not needing is apparently defensive against some way she has been hurt in the past or bitter for having to be independent.
Many, even most, men see the statement, " I don't NEED a man, but I WANT a man," as the woman seeing the man in the same light as her desire for a new pair of shoes that will likely only be taken out of the closet once every two years or so, while the woman keeps shopping for other pairs of the latest marvelous footwear.
Valid point but why do these conversations even arise? I cannot imagine talking to someone and even making the comment that I don't need a man unless he has asked a question or somehow else caused me to feel like I needed to mention that I can function perfectly well myself but would like a man that I could eventually depend on and have problems seeing myself living without him.
Would the problem go away if we gave such an in-depth answer to the question? | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/17/2009 12:21:31 PM | Many ,even most men see the statement," I don't need a man ,but I want a man"as the woman seeing the man in the same light as her desire for a new pair of shoes that will likely only be taken out of the closet once every two years or so,while the woman keeps shopping for other pairs of the latest marvelous footwear.
capitano blaugh: YOU ARE FORGETTING THAT MEN HAVE NO COMPARISON TO SHOES AND WOMEN HAVE NO COMPARISON TO CARS!!! we are talking about FEELINGS HERE...
Women who NEEDS men, are weakling and their priority is their needs,>> financial support, whatever support, suppose that man can't meet the woman's need because he lose his job, his sexual function, etc.. what will happen ???
Woman who WANTS man is to treasure him, it is like a diamond jewelry , it is valuable and very meaningful to a woman, Of course he is much better than inanimate diamond ,whatever his quirk is because he is a precious human being, that will leap in to action ,, to help and support her.
Let's talk about LOVE here , if you want to share your life and experience to love and be loved then you want wo/man, to fulfill that inner void of belongness..
 P.S. I don't need a man ,but I want a man for a female and male love bonding that I belong to him and he belong to me. And I stand of what I said........ | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/17/2009 12:24:26 PM | | I`ve never taken a thing from a man, don`t need anything from a man, have never made any demands from a man or even requests, even dear old dad. Why in the he!! would I in the first place? Needing a man for anything, emotional, material, spiritual, from what I have seen is a futile waste of time. Why try to demand something when it isn`t given freely? Unless you resort to blackmail and coersion, a man doesn`t do a thing for women unless he wants to ,and there is something of value in it for him, a payoff, sex, an ego stroke, money, whatever. I`m not stupid,not any more. I know how guys think and how they are wired. Bottom line is,what is in it for them.So why would I NEED a man? The whole thing is plain stupid. I would never put any kind of trust or need on a man. In my life, I have NEVER met a man willing to fill any need I might have (besides sex) so why would I even go there? Total waste of time. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/17/2009 12:28:12 PM |
Needing isn't a bad thing, it is a human thing. Women don't need men in order to live as in just keeping breathing and to be able to feed, house and clothe themselves and men don't need women for those things, yet if we are honest we do need each other all the same.
+1
I want both, I want a man that wants and needs me in his life. To me having a person in your life is more of an emotional need. That certain conection that can only happen between a man and a woman, and I don't mean sex.
You are describing interdependence, which is the most stable of relationships.
Men are misinterpreting women who say this, that's what this is about.
No, it's men taking a phrase at "face value".
There are tactful ways to communicate an idea. A woman declaring to men that she is ostensibly hoping to meet, that they're not "needed" is alienating. It becomes a jeer, not a testimonial to her as a woman who isn't reliant on a man.
IMO, it would be about the same as a man putting the disclaimer in his profile that he doesn't "need" a woman for any domestic purposes, or emotional purposes, which would imply that all he really wants is to have sex with her.
That's why a lot of women find the original question to be odd. If it's in profiles or is in response to a question asked, it means "I can get along (mostly financially, partly emotionally) without a man in my life." The objective is to let men know that if we like you it's for YOU, not for what YOU PROVIDE/YOU HAVE.
I find it most odd that this is being used as a defense of what women might write in their profiles, and being absolutely persistent that the onus is on men to not find any offense to how the message is delivered, when men have been conditioned for years to be cautious and sensitive about how they word things to women, in order to not upset them......Methinks doth protest too much....
Anything that's communicated and requires this much dialogue to put in the proper context is obviously not a message that was communicated succinctly or very effectively.
Deal with it....
Putting a disclaimer boldy declaring what should be a given, in your profile, sends out a message beyond the words written.
Being self sufficient and independent (or any such banal declaration such as "honesty" ) should be demonstrated and not declared. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/17/2009 12:45:25 PM |
capitano blaugh: YOU ARE FORGETTING THAT MEN HAVE NO COMPARISON TO SHOES AND WOMEN HAVE NO COMPARISON TO CARS!!! we are talking about FEELINGS HERE...
Woman who WANTS man is to treasure him, it is like a diamond jewelry , it is valuable and very meaningful to a woman, Of course he is much better than inanimate diamond ...
Blaugh, blaugh, blaugh.....
.... next time, I'll use the jewellry analogy.....
And, now that you bring up the car analogy, young women ARE like brand new cars... they have that fantastic new, fresh feel, taste and smell.... then, there's the ones with 200.000 klicks on the odometer, which inevitably end up up on blocks in the back of the trailer park with rats and mice living in them...
And, love is far to relative for me.
Women love their shoes, their jewellry, their cheese-cake, their cars (of course), their gold fish, their pets, their kids, their girlfriends, their gay friends, their TV shows and they not only LOVE all of those things, they NEED them, but will keep THOSE things, but toss a perfectly good man on the refuse pile if he doesn't get her the thing she REALLY wants for Christmas....
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/17/2009 12:46:01 PM | A relationship should be icing on the cake, not necessity. No one should ever be needed.
A successful relationship comes from two people that are already whole and happy on their own who compliment one another. If either of them is somehow incomplete or needs the other one, the situation is unhealthy at best and doomed at worst.
If someone feels the need to be needed, they have some self-esteem issues they need to work out before they're going to be in a place where they can be a quality partner for anyone. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/17/2009 1:04:29 PM | [but will keep THOSE things, but toss a perfectly good man on the refuse pile if he doesn't get her the thing she REALLY wants for Christmas....]
I feel sorry for you.. perhaps you have not met a good woman in your life - just yet... well just to let you know, not all women are materialistic and shallow... widen your horizon and open your eyes and your mind so you could have a better understanding and view of the true essence of a woman. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/17/2009 1:06:01 PM |
I am more than willing to trod on you daily. I even want you, we will have to work on the needing part though.
Well, my darling GeishaDreamy, I'd love for you to trod my back, but despite the numerous requests I've made over the years, you have still not sent me pictures of your ass in a thong or fishnets avec garters, so all bets are off at this point.
I know you want me which is completely understandable, but I think we'll have to stick with URGES rather than NEEDS for the nonce.....
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/17/2009 1:10:54 PM |
I feel sorry for you..
Awww... gee, thanks.... pity has always been a useful ruse when I'm hitting on certain types of women....
perhaps you have not met a good woman in your life - just yet...
Say a little prayer for me tonight when you kneel down, would you, please? 
widen your horizon and open your eyes and your mind so you could have a better understanding and view of the true essence of a woman.
Oh, I've smelled the esssense many times and, despite the odd one who needed a shower, it's all good, thankyouverymuch....
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/17/2009 1:15:00 PM | | We need men who are able to discern the difference between a good woman and a user, and appreciate us who are good women and not users. Some men toss the perfectly good women onto the refuse pile when another one comes along who is better looking to him.....both sexes do the tossing game. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/17/2009 1:18:49 PM |
A relationship should be icing on the cake, not necessity.
This analogy always bugs me. A relationship should be some sweet, sickly, sugar laden, with over half of its calories from fat confectionary? Nope, I want a relationship that is the full meal deal... balanced and nutritious and much, much more substantial than a cake that half the time I'm going to say "oh tanks, but no, I'm already full.
If it is not necessity then what is it? Something to do as long as it is good and then you dispose of it? No wonder we have become such a disposable society.
A successful relationship comes from two people that are already whole and happy on their own who compliment one another. If either of them is somehow incomplete or needs the other one, the situation is unhealthy at best and doomed at worst.
^^ I largely agree with this part of your post, but you are confusing need with needy.
If someone feels the need to be needed, they have some self-esteem issues they need to work out before they're going to be in a place where they can be a quality partner for anyone.
Again, you are confusing needy people with people who recognize the basic human need to love and care for each other. In addition to needy people, an overly independent person who has difficulty accepting help from their partner has self esteem issues. People who are over-protected and afraid of losing themselves in a relationship have self-esteem issues. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/17/2009 2:23:00 PM | I have to say this: How realistic is it for women (or for anybody for that matter) to honestly think that they have enough going to get exactly what they are seeking?
I see women on here saying that they want this,and this, and that BEFORE they get into a relationship...but never why they deserve all of those things and whether or not THEY even possess those qualities.
It's likely that most of the women on here will go w/o a serious relationship until it's too late to enjoy it or will die alone.
Sorry to be so grim...but the levels of self-deception and self-delusion (if they do represent TRUE beliefs and not just "Internet chatter") are so high that almost no man will be good enough for some of the women on here.
And the few that are deemed "worthy" will either be gay...already have somebody or probably won't want somebody that presents themselves as being difficult.
Bottom line,IMHO, you make the most of the little time that you have.
If you choose to ,again IMHO, squander that time looking for somebody that doesn't exist...or won't want you...then you are truly doing yourself a disservice. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/17/2009 3:07:19 PM | Theres a huge difference between a "want" and a "need", which you dont differentiate. If a woman says she dosent "need" a man in her life, that gets my attention, what I listen for next is wether or not she "wants" a man in her life. If she "wants" a man in her life, but dosent "need" a man in her life then I would say she is at least emotionally healthy in that respect. Now if she says she dosent "want" a man in her life....then she dosent "want" a man in her life and she's probably not looking.....so the question becomes irrelevant because she wont find what she isnt looking for. Frankly, if she says she "needs" a man in her life.....I run like the house is on fire.....I cant fix her or help her in any way and she's probably not emotionally healthy. Conversely a woman that wants you in her life, probably thinks you contribute to her life in a positive way...not by fixing her.....just my 2 cents worth. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/17/2009 3:07:44 PM | Msg#342
I am a psychologist and To my knowledge there are no studies to indicate that women who "do not need a man" are emotionally unavailable. I imagine some are and some are not.
Personally speaking if I did not want a man in my life I would not be on an internet dating site. I want and need companionship and to feel special to some other person. Being heterosexual the object of my affection will likely be a man. I am puzzled why a woman would put on her profile that she does not need a man except to put across that she does not need a man to look after her in a financial or material sense. It appears there are a lot of fellows out in the pond who are afraid of that. Perhaps it is just a matter of semantics. I do not need a man in my life to make me happy because I am already happy. I do not need a man in my life to pay my way because I earn a good living and can but the stuff I want and travel if I want etc. I can assure you that I am not emotionally unavailable. My occupation forbids it. I have to be in touch with my feelings and thoughts in order to be connected with my clients and I would certainly not withhold them from the man in my life. Also the original poster assumes that a woman needs a man in her life to be happy. Read the headline. All the negative talk on this post ( not from you) about feminists suggests that feminism is against men. My understanding of feminism is for the feminine in all beings. The feminine being sensitivity to feelings and our softer sides which both women and men have. It is not about destruction of the masculine it is about holding both parts as equally valuable. And it is about empowerment for both men and women. Radical feminists want to blame men for a lot of the inequalities in our culture. The culture does men a big disservice because they are discouraged from connecting with their emotional sides which can causes a lot of harm for both parties in any relationship. What I do not also get is why there needs to be the acrimony between men and women over a couple of words. I want/need to share my life with a special someone I hope he is out there somewhere. In the mean time I intend to go on living and being happy. | |
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| Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/17/2009 3:24:20 PM | No, it's men taking a phrase at "face value".
That's cool as long as men are ok with the fact that it will cause friction, or misunderstanding, or less dates.
There are tactful ways to communicate an idea. A woman declaring to men that she is ostensibly hoping to meet, that they're not "needed" is alienating. It becomes a jeer, not a testimonial to her as a woman who isn't reliant on a man.
It's only alienating if he takes it to be about him as a person. It's not. But how you take it is fine...it's your choice.
IMO, it would be about the same as a man putting the disclaimer in his profile that he doesn't "need" a woman for any domestic purposes, or emotional purposes, which would imply that all he really wants is to have sex with her.
Honestly, less women would be offended by that than you think. As most people should clean up after themselves and not look to others for emotional stability, I don't see a problem with it. You can say there's nothing left after domestic duties and drama but sex, but I disagree.
I find it most odd that this is being used as a defense of what women might write in their profiles, and being absolutely persistent that the onus is on men to not find any offense to how the message is delivered, when men have been conditioned for years to be cautious and sensitive about how they word things to women, in order to not upset them......Methinks doth protest too much....
Men have been worried what they say to women? Where exactly is that happening? And my point is that it means they aren't going to take advantage of you. Your taking offense to that might indicate you'd rather move her in and pay all her bills to feel useful. Again, you can take it how you want - it means what it means.
Anything that's communicated and requires this much dialogue to put in the proper context is obviously not a message that was communicated succinctly or very effectively.
Deal with it....
Men are not the masters of direct communication, so I don't see why they'd rather skip on dating (if that's what they want, anyway) than ASK what something means. Why don't I get offended when men say they don't need women? If I don't, why should a man? It's more than fair that I don't need a man to need me either, so it washes out.
Putting a disclaimer boldy declaring what should be a given, in your profile, sends out a message beyond the words written.
It's only a given to men because men never had it any other way.
Being self sufficient and independent (or any such banal declaration such as "honesty" ) should be demonstrated and not declared.
So should everything. Good luck waiting for everyone to act it and not declare it, especially around here.
A relationship should be icing on the cake, not necessity. No one should ever be needed.
A successful relationship comes from two people that are already whole and happy on their own who compliment one another. If either of them is somehow incomplete or needs the other one, the situation is unhealthy at best and doomed at worst.
If someone feels the need to be needed, they have some self-esteem issues they need to work out before they're going to be in a place where they can be a quality partner for anyone.
Exactly.
It's likely that most of the women on here will go w/o a serious relationship until it's too late to enjoy it or will die alone.
A worthless endeavor - we all die alone regardless. | |
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