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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/10/2009 11:55:08 AM | OP, how is that relationship working for you? Are you happy, are you getting anything out of it? Is she the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Do you enjoy the daily episodes of a high school drama queen?
Just my opinion...let her go and never look back. | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/10/2009 12:08:01 PM | You need to listen to what she is saying as well as what she does. The not good enough for you, that either tells you that she will always keep that notion between you or that you will spend your time assuring her that she does have the worth to be with you.
You can enjoy it for what it's worth but it isn't going anywhere, period. If you enjoy her company and don't care whether it evolves to long term, keep seeing her. | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/10/2009 12:20:49 PM | A. so one vote for wait longer for a commitment.
B. couple of votes for put my foot down and remove myself and not let this cycle continue (and if she's serious about me, her actions will produce themselves)
C. and about a dozen or so votes for just bail completely because she's obviously not "the one."
I think I will let my decision simmer over the next couple of days, which will count for option A. Its not like I'm asking her to marry me. I just want her to verbally acknowledge that we are a couple....or not. We're SUPPOSED to spend time Saturday, but she may have plans she says. (She's always putting me off for some friends at the last minute).
If for some magic reason she doesn't do anything different on her own inthe next couple of days, I will opt for option B and put my foot down and just simply reiterate what I want, and if it doesn't match what she wants, then we can't hang out as an acting-couple anymore. (She also has my electric piano keyboard and my laptop. Should I take that opportunity to ask for them back? Or let her keep borrowing them as friends?) I'll give her up, cold turkey, and focus on my life. If she comes back on her own, I will ask her "so are you ready to be my GF?" and if she hesitates, I will just say "gotta go."
Option C will take care of itself, pretty much, if nothing different has happened by that time, then I will just go the other way and summon all willpower I have to not look back. *sigh* | |
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lauire
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Joined: 4/13/2009
Msg: 32 | |
| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/10/2009 12:53:15 PM | JanetForever hit it on the nail.. .....very good reason to agree with her and empower yourself -- she said it she is not good enough for you. Or set your man self up to be made the doormant....smile
I skimmed and then scrolled down your encylopedia defining the whole anthropology of your obsession for this one in billons fish girls in the sea....wondering if you would man up at the end of your post or let the sea of love make it okay to love as you do cause we sometimes we cant help who we love....
You have gotten some good feedback get sone thicker skin or something get it now....
Laurie | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/10/2009 2:07:02 PM |
(She also has my electric piano keyboard and my laptop. Should I take that opportunity to ask for them back? Or let her keep borrowing them as friends?)
Get them back first, she may not really want you whether she even knows what she wants or not, but some people will still be vindictive if you have the temerity to reject her.
Of course it is easier said than done, you like her, but you deserve someone who isn't jerking you around and she definitely is because she thinks you aren't going anywhere. | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/10/2009 2:47:04 PM |
I think I will let my decision simmer over the next couple of days, which will count for option A. Its not like I'm asking her to marry me. I just want her to verbally acknowledge that we are a couple....or not. We're SUPPOSED to spend time Saturday, but she may have plans she says. (She's always putting me off for some friends at the last minute).
You are such a weeney... at this point, kiddo, you deserve what you are gonna get. | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/10/2009 2:58:02 PM |
PLEASE DO NOT DELETE THIS POST yet! I need outside perspective!
OP, you just want to discuss this posting ad nauseum... and there's no reason to discuss it. She does not want a relationship with you, she just wants a doormat, she just wants attention, she just wants someone to adore her, she just wants someone who is her biggest fan. And that's you. Here's the outside perspective: MOVE ON MOVE ON MOVE ON MOVE ON MOVE ON MOVE ON
But of course you won't do that. You want to stay in this little "game" and continue to ask for "outside perspective" when you already know in your heart and in your brain that this relationship is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/10/2009 3:01:09 PM | Thats okay He can Do what he wants, In a few months he will be back on the forum Complaining about what a B* She was and how much she hurt him, But the Thing is He ALLOWED her to do it..So He wont get any Sympathy from me. All Imma Say is WE TOLD YOU SO! | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/10/2009 3:03:49 PM | Sidewinder said it .. and she has it .. right on target. Emotional blackmail is not a relationship.. it is a maybe we can have a relationship sometime .. and sometime never comes.. and you waste space and time.. and ultimately your heart to emptiness .. that is unnecessary .. for love is to be shared by those that desire .. it makes your molecules jump for the next time .. you see in them what they see in you .. it is true intimacy as an art form.
When someone cannot see you as endearing and refuses to present you to others as the most precious being that you have chosen to care for than that disservice is pain... Pain in a relationship because you cannot provide comfort when one is suffering is someone who sees.. I cannot fathom in moments of initiation to friends and family and acquaintences how she could treat you so cavalier. Just because someone choses to engage in a relationship does not mean they have evolved to see all that is. When she defines what she needs in a relationship with a man and positions to communicate and offer reciprocity then you have "us". | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/10/2009 3:17:45 PM |
My questions:
Should I just enjoy it for what it is? (we're a couple, but she won't acknowledge we are) In the back of my mind, though, I know this could be a set-up for disappointment for myself, in the long-run. because my heart is invested already. I want a LTR, not a temp thing.
OP...Even if she labels your relationship has anything, it doesn't guarantee a thing....My advice is to ride that roller coaster for what it is, enjoy without wanting to know the outcome, this way there will be NO expectations, which means no PRESSURE....it took me a long long time to truly understand this, but I have learned to enjoy it for what it is without the labeling... | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/10/2009 3:28:14 PM | You're being played.
She is either married or has another interest.
Either way you are option 2 when she feels down.
Use her for sex and meet someone better. Once you do you'll forget about her very quickly.
She'll just go back to her main priority. | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/10/2009 4:03:59 PM | I was a commitment phobic sort when I first met my sweetie; I refused to be committed and I refused to be exclusive. While quite readily saying ultimately what I wanted was a loving, long term relationship, I wanted what we might have to evolve all on its own - either we would naturally grow together or naturally drift apart. I didn't want labels pushing or pulling us towards or away from anything.
Part of it stemmed from wanting to move into a relationship differently than I had in my past, (I had tended to become A Relationship too fast and then we related from Being In A Relationship rather than just relating and getting to know each other). Part of it was a concern about hurting him. My thinking there was as I could not predict the future, what if my feelings for him evolved, I pulled out of it and left him high and dry? I mean, one has feelings for someone, but will they stand the test of time? If you know how much it hurts, you try not to hurt someone else, and that can get you into some really stupid territory where you are being over-responsible and making decisions for other people.
My sweetie did a couple of things: He told me to quit worrying about whether he would get hurt or not and to properly leave it as his look-out. That it was his job, and although he hoped we would evolve into something quite extraordinary, he had been fine before he met me and would be fine after we split up. Whew, that was a relief! He accepted the no commitment/no exclusivity and didn't pressure me to declare myself or introduce him to friends and family. He took me at my word, which was I really like you but can't promise anything beyond today and he opted to enjoy each day we did have together without trying to insist there be another or that we conform to some structure or label.
It was very freeing and very loving of him to just let me BE. It eliminated any pressure for me and surprise, surprise, allowed me to feel my developing feelings for him without there being any attachments other than I really think you are an extraordinary person I am privileged to spend time with. Once I moved into the 'I love you' bit, he was gracious with the rushed disclaimer of "of course this is early days yet and feelings will evolve from now - either growing stronger or dissipating with time" (and thankfully doesn't tease me too much about that now).
You know her, if you think she is jerking you around, deal with that. Is she changing plans as a sort of "pocket of safety" or a lack of regard? Insist on respectful treatment regardless of the label. Can't see why you can't accept you're dating someone that in time may grow together or may grow apart - but of course I would feel that way, wouldn't I? LOL. I'd say if you can't accept your gf's reluctance to name something until she is more than sure of it, you'd best let her go. I'd be curious to see what might develop if you quit applying pressure to "seal the deal". | |
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| She DEFINED "you/us", get a grip/clue.
Posted: 7/10/2009 4:13:28 PM | OP, she told you. Listen, and believe her.
It won't turn out well if you have to convince her that she is reciprocally into you.
And all this stuff about (your) things....
don't try to "hold" her with them.
She's gone...just get back your things (if you can), and your self respect man.
Good luck...there is some bit of truth to all the postings...even the ones you exclude.
You asked her, she said it.
You asked us, we said it...
...are you listening? | |
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| She DEFINED you/us, get a grip/clue.
Posted: 7/10/2009 4:27:25 PM | What about Margo's input? And Arabian angel's. The part about just don't define it, remove all expectations, just enjoy it for what it is. maybe one day she'll come around, or if she doesn't, then she doesn't?
I'm listening to all sides right now. I have not taken any action yet. | |
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| She DEFINED you/us, get a grip/clue.
Posted: 7/10/2009 9:32:18 PM | | nope. if a woman isn't excited about getting together with you then you move on. there are many many women that would love to date a sincere guy like you. from what you have written she's already taking you for granted. follow plan B, be cool and distant and maybe just maybe she will see that she's missing out on a good guy and change her attitude. | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/10/2009 9:50:50 PM | My God! And I got lectured for not wanting to be friends with someone who was very similar.
Dude....GET THE FU** AWAY FROM THIS PERSON!!!!!
She's tearing your heart out. You deserve better.
She can't decide? FINE. LEAVE.
You're too nice and you're getting beat up.
I'm sorry, it shouldn't be this hard. There could be a million reasons for her waffling, and they might seem valid to her, but that doesn't help YOU. You're getting played.
She still wants to shop. So......you go back to shopping too. | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/10/2009 10:10:23 PM | | You sound confused. She is using you. Dump her. "You're too good for me" means "I don't want you". You explain to her that you don't want to be a "rebound guy"? You don't need to explain yourself. Grow a pair and dump her. Learn to have respect for yourself, then find someone who will appreciate that quality. | |
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| She DEFINED you/us, get a grip/clue.
Posted: 7/10/2009 10:26:23 PM |
What about Margo's input? And Arabian angel's. The part about just don't define it, remove all expectations, just enjoy it for what it is. maybe one day she'll come around, or if she doesn't, then she doesn't?
I'm listening to all sides right now. I have not taken any action yet.
AtreuAnon....You can ONLY ever change yourself, you know that, everyone knows that...Walking away like some have suggested may be a wise thing to do, but what about the lessons/experience that you would have gained by just going with the flow? How many people have labled relationships out of their OWN expectations, only to be let down when things didn't go their way? Who let them down?....The answer is, they let themselves down. | |
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