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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/11/2009 12:39:46 PM | It's like beating your head against a wall. For an hour you made it as simple as you could, laid all the options on the table, and what do you get? Vacant stares and mumbling.
I expect you are much more romantic than her as well, despite how people will judge you as needy. So either cool off and hook up every now and then, or continue with uncertainty.
What is wrong with an ultimatum? Well, if you want to keep "getting some", that would be inadvisable. Just play it cool. | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/11/2009 1:27:15 PM | Say what's wrong then OP... say you don't appreciate being left hanging, or don't like the lack of response... whatever is "what's wrong" for you.
My advise, if you choose to continue this, is to set this up differently right from the get-go:
She: "We're hanging out this Saturday"
You: "Great, When do you want to get together" (firm it up or leave it loose, but watch the left loose bit)
(later)
She: "I might be hanging with my friend instead, I'll let you know."
You: "That doesn't work for me; I'd love to hang out with you but don't want to be left hanging"
or
You: "OK, let me know by Friday if you want to hang out"
or
You: "That doesn't work for me; I'd love to hang out with you but don't want to be left hanging. Why don't you go make plans with your friends Saturday and let me know another time that would be good for us to get together".
If she doesn't let you know by the deadline, then you go to work, no big deal, right?
If you don't want to be flexible and be left hanging (which is fine), then don't get yourself into the situation in the first place.
I think (obviously) it is fine for someone two months in to a relationship to have no idea what it is and where it might be going... but I do NOT think anyone should ever be treated with disrespect. You've got a hand in this OP by setting up and/or agreeing to situations that don't work for you/aren't comfortable to you. So stop doing that. Because of how loosely you set these things up, you THEN get yourself into these situations of having to call her repeatedly because of the "excuse" that we sorta had these plans set up and I'm just trying to confirm them. It's f'd up. Call her once, no more than once... if she doesn't respond within a reasonable time period, get on with your life. She's got to be stepping up to the plate here... because it is you pushing/pushing, she doesn't have to, does she?
The issue is respect, not labels... you're not getting respect from her (is she a flake in all areas of her life?) but at least part of it is how you are setting things up. Do you see that?
Edit: OP, you're sounding awfully needy and desperate here. The more I read your follow-up posts the more I'm thinking you're not ready for a relationship. | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/11/2009 5:18:38 PM | AtreuAnon, I've been in your situation.
Please don't do this to yourself. If someone ever tells you "you don't deserve me", this means they don't want to be with you. TRUST ME. You are not "THE ONE" for her.
WALK AWAY, WALK A WAY, WALK AWAY!!
Actually no...RUN!!!
I'm serious, you need to END THIS NOW. Save yourself even more agony and LET IT GO. You deserve to have what you want, and this girl is only playing with you. She's playing with your emotions.
If you have ANY sense of dignity, self respect, or self esteem left inside of you, LEAVE HER.
Do NOT accept any less than what you want. | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/12/2009 6:23:58 PM | Well, she called me up from Federal Way.
Long story short....
she ended up dumping me. It took her about 2 mins. Like canceling an order for chicken nuggets at McDonalds (where she works). "Cancel that order of nuggets. I don't want it anymore."
*sigh*
I work the same shift as her tomorrow in Federal Way (no I don't work for McDonalds) and usually I drive her home at the end of our shifts. I'll do it one last time on purpose, though, because I need to get my keyboard and computer back.
I know you all told me so, and I know there is a lot I have learned from this....a lot. And I won't let this be a worthless experience if I can at least learn from it all.
But right now, it still feels sucky.
From now on, yeah, if someone says they don't deserve me, I will believe them for sure now. This is already strike three for me (the ex before this one said she didn't deserve me, then this gal said it to me, left, came back, said it to me again, and, duh, left again.)
Now I kinda wish I had ended like you all were telling me to, so it would have been on my terms, not hers, and I coulda walked away with some self-respect. But I snoozed on the opportunity. But, really, it's just cuz I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt. I had to remain true to my own character. But next time around, I'll know the signs for sure, and will go the other way from now on if the same thing happens with any future potentials.
Thanks everyone for your help. This has been a great learning experience for me.
I somehow feel at peace, for now. It just happened though, so I'm sure I'm still in shock and it'll hit me later. But thanks still, for everything. It's really helped me analyze what I've been doing wrong, and what I've been allowing the other person to get away with. I truly appreciate all your outside perspectives.
Thank you. | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/13/2009 9:44:30 AM | So she texts me this morning "I want to see you soon."
W - T - H?
and she's texting me all morning now. She JUST DUMPED ME yesterday, and now she wants to see me soon? Is she trying to accelerate us unnaturally to the "let's be friends stage" so soon after? She isn't even giving me time to get over being dumped! Or, gosh forbid, is she trying to get back together again like she did previously? Or is she just probing me to see if she still has me wrapped around her finger?
This is just plain stupid. I feel like a yo yo. I'm not even going to entertain a single text more. | |
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jbogie
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Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 82 | |
| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/13/2009 10:13:54 AM |
I stopped reading at this point:
Says she doesn't deserve me.
When someone says this to you, believe them. You instead chose not to and apparently are suffering from that decision.
Next time, you'll know better.
you got a hell of alot farther than i did. | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/14/2009 2:41:24 PM | did you text her asking if your saturday plans are still on? if you asked that and she didn't respond, then yes she is very disrespectful and is not only taking you for granted she is using you. sometimes absolute idiots can be very enchanting, sexy and engaging, but underneath they just aren't relationship material. most of us while in the dating arena bump into these types.
go get your stuff. then never return another text or message from her of any kind. it will drive her crazy.
and first thing each morning look in the mirror and say to yourself "i deserve so much better".
good luck! | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/16/2009 12:08:57 PM | ok, so, i go to get my stuff.
however, she springs me for a loop and says "I love you" to me, and says she's fallen for me and the barriers are finally down etc..
And for the next day and a half or two we are, a "couple" finally? again? or something?
Then suddenly she goes a-wall again. No replies, nothing.
Finally, yesterday evening, I finally get ahold of her.
Long story short: she dumped me again. This time, however, saying she actually does love me and wants to be with me but she has too much stress at home from some "friend's cousin" who is threatening to confront her about dating a guy like me (who is divorced and has two kids), and this guy has been harassing her all day about me.
So she loves me and wants to be with me, but this "friend's cousin" harassing her about me is too much stress on her so she can't be with me.
W-T-H?
ok, so, well, this is bizarro land now, as far as I can tell. I've never been dumped and rehashed so many times in less than one week by the same person over and over again.
So, yeah, this is completely stupid. Sadly I have to see her again on Sat and Sun because I work the same shifts as her. I really need my stuff back though.
I wouldn't be suprised if at some point she tries to get back together again.
But I'm not going for it anymore.
At all.
This is just INSANE.
I'll update to let you know if I at least got my piano keyboard and my laptop back. | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/16/2009 12:47:46 PM | Saying "I love you" just to keep my piano keyboard and laptop?
lol, wow, that's so funny....mostly because you're probably right, lol.
I wonder if I say "I love you" to random people if I can get free stuff from them too, lol.
Geeze, what a circus I let myself get shanghaied into. | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/16/2009 1:05:26 PM | | well my own story was my ex loved me but she wanted her damn room mate even more even though he is a cheater and a liar and is emotionally abusive i loved her alot and wanted to save her but she didn't want to be saved hell right now she hates me more than she hates him and all i do is try to expose him for what he is some women are just not right in that area i am a recovering used boyfriend who is that guy she releases her anger at him to it is extremely lame so as much as you may want to hang on to her don't i am learning that lesson my self in her universe she may actually hate you. you may be her worst enemy just because you are so great i know that doesn't make sense but i think you may of felt it once or twice especially when she won't talk to you | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/16/2009 1:20:52 PM | Your questions.....well...
You have the option of enjoying it for what it is...but you are not enjoying it for what it is.
You want it to be more than it is.....so...I think you would have to ask yourself if you are capable of doing just that? Just enjoying the time you spend with her.
You can give people all the time they want, but she has already given you some very Key information. She is fearful of a commitment...she 'may' be moving. She can't get too close..and...she doesn't deserve you. I think she likes you very much, but she either can't, or won't define it. A lot of people are like this. Sounds like she is a friend.
Take her words as a deal breaker? A deal breaker to what??? You already have a kinship, you want more...she doesn't. Nothing's been declared...so nothing can be broken.
As far as the 'L ' word goes, I have a couple of female friends who tell me that, and I tell them the same. It just means we care very much for one another, and honor the friendship. It doesn't imply that we want it to be anything other than what it is.
If 'YOU" can't see this person as a friend, then odds are great you will never see her as your Lover. Why throw the baby away with the bathwater?.....unless you are one of those who feels that they already have enough friends, and don't need any more.
regards
Kimbo | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/17/2009 1:17:05 AM | I believe you treat people the way you would like to be treated. So, give her a taste of her own medicine. Don't answer her text messages or if you do, tell her you got tired of waiting around for her to decide who she wants to hang out with and made other plans.
Then go do something you enjoy or join other friends who appreciate your company.
Quit being her puppet She is self centered, selfish, inconsiderate, rude and immature. Is that really someone you want to have a relationship with? | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/17/2009 6:00:08 AM | just run dude run. dont even bother asking for a definition. shes either playing you, or she seriously just doesnt like commitments at all. either way, your gonna get your heart broken. she needs to deal with her problems, with or without aid of some sort, ie. prescription drugs or counciling. either way she doesn't have her head on straight and will drag you down with her. | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/17/2009 8:53:54 AM | I'm sorry for what you're going through at such a young age in looking for a relationship.
Perhaps you should consider not WANTING one to work and be so....intense?
It appearred to me that while she might be "playing" a little bit, it sounded more to me as though she was into you - but not wanting to be smothered by spending time with you or in the relationship.
Perhaps you should back off and cool it a little bit? | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/17/2009 10:37:14 AM |
So she texts me this morning "I want to see you soon."
W - T - H?
what, you've never experienced this pull push syndrome with some people. They want some part of you, perhaps even more than they are capable of handling, so they play a peek a boo game with texts, calls, words, whatever. It would be great if these folks could just make a decision, but, they can't.....so, it then must go to 'us' to make a decision....Usually, the decision I come to is..."It is what it is". ..and I'm just going about my life.....some days it's hard enough deciding what we need to do for ourselves, let alone trying to follow the bouncing ball of another's emotional rollercoaster.
This is just plain stupid. I feel like a yo yo. I'm not even going to entertain a single text more.
Yes you will . With all due respect, you seem to immature and unaware to do otherwise. Just stay close to your phone, chief, incase you get another incoming from this wing nut. aight?
Kimbo | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/17/2009 10:45:32 AM |
what, you've never experienced this pull push syndrome with some people. They want some part of you, perhaps even more than they are capable of handling, so they play a peek a boo game with texts, calls, words, whatever. It would be great if these folks could just make a decision, but, they can't.....so, it then must go to 'us' to make a decision....Usually, the decision I come to is..."It is what it is". ..and I'm just going about my life.....some days it's hard enough deciding what we need to do for ourselves, let alone trying to follow the bouncing ball of another's emotional rollercoaster.
amen! | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/23/2009 1:17:05 AM | Well, I stayed away from her successfully since last post.
And, as predicted, she tried to get me to see her again.
I took the opportunity to ask for my Keyboard and laptop back, nicely. I even bought a replacement piano keyboard to substitute for my expensive one she has (I bought it the last time she broke up w/me) just to show no hard feelings and to let her know I really do want to encourage her to continue with her music endeavors (she's just learning to play piano; I already know how to play, and was trying to teach her originally).
Guess what her reply was? You'll never guess. She started swearing at me (via text). Please note that I have NEVER even raised my voice to her ever, let alone sworn at her. Then she went on to say "sorry for hurting myself, fine u can have ur stuff back." Hurting herself? She tried to tell me she recently tried to commit suicide.... wow.
Long story short, her self-afflicting disease notwithstanding, she hasn't given my stuff back yet, even though I specifically asked when I can meet up with her to get it back. I've actually tried to stay amiable with her, even letting her angry episode pass because I just don't want to even start any more fires with her. She still works at one of my work locations, and I do not want to risk a confrontational "relationship" (as exes) so have agreed (by her request) to still be "friends".
But she STILL has my piano and my laptop. I fear I may never see them again without an explosive confrontation.
I NEVER saw this coming when I first laid my eyes on those beautiful big brown eyes of hers way back in May. Why am I always a sucker for those big brown eyes? Dag-nab-it. | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/23/2009 8:56:29 PM | shyte just got real!
that is it dude run like there is the apocalypse in sight!!!!
i had a girl like this she is not human she is a succubus trying to drain you of everything you have. remember she is not human now run!!!!!!!!! oh and change your number/block hers and sorry forget about your stuff unless you want the law involved thats what it will take. | |
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| Let go...Move on
Posted: 7/23/2009 9:58:07 PM | @emlamNsea...
Your shrink was a wise man.
It's very natural for us to think the reason why someone is not into us is all our fault, but through experience just as your shrink eluded to, you find that sometimes the person you're pursuing is damaged goods and they can't help but pull away from you because deep down they know it, too... or sometimes they don't know it but can't control themselves.
My Brother is damaged goods. He married a dream Woman; a wholesome, nice, beautiful, well-educated Woman that practically worshipped the ground he walked on and did anything and everything for him... then he dumped her for a nasty Woman who lived in a rundown part of town with a bunch of kids, no job and a mental history that would scare the beejesus out of Freddy Krueger.
To this day that poor lady probably thinks there is something wrong with her, but there wasn't and my brother himself said so, too. He says she was great, he just didn't love her and he doesn't know why. Of course, my Brother is a totally screwed up guy so in this regard his decision only makes perfect sense. | |
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| Let go...Move on
Posted: 7/23/2009 10:38:53 PM | | Here is a novel thought................you already know that she is a nut case right..? You already know that this is not going to work for you right..?....You already know that her word is no good right..?....You already know that when you ask for your stuff back that it will end in confortation right..? SOLUTION.........Leave her and leave your STUFF and do it now and never look back and never talk to this nut case again....Do you have the guts to do this..? | |
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| She WON'T DEFINE US...... how much MORE time should I give her?
Posted: 7/24/2009 4:30:38 AM |
Should I just enjoy it for what it is? (we're a couple, but she won't acknowledge we are) In the back of my mind, though, I know this could be a set-up for disappointment for myself, in the long-run. because my heart is invested already. I want a LTR, not a temp thing.
Should I give her more time in the meantime, with hope she may eventually acknowledge us?
Or should I take her non-answer as a deal-breaker and move on? (I don't want to be strung along if I'm just being used as temporary attention).
what the heck, OP. that was a long ass post! geeeeze!
you should dump her! you're just the guy she's hanging around with until a better guy comes along. that's why she hasn't defined the both of you and that's why she didn't introduce you to her family/friends!
tah dah!!!!!  | |
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